Starting Chemo in September?? where are you ladies

Pax I have been looking at the picture for a while now here is what comes at me first:

"Within the emptiness/loneliness there is something laughing at our pain secretly having reached its goal of bringing us down( the clown with the half face) it is in a different dimension or plane so we can not see it but it is real, it seems like it even is saying 'look see what I did ? Isnt that impressive ?' as if it is boasting to someone about its masterpiece of a mess.

My old self which was sexy and beautiful.. but ruthless-with no heart is ripping the 'new me' apart, choking the 'present me' trying to break my newly developing spine, core.
My old self is 'extinct' 'dead'even 'fake'  but it is not aware of it, and is not letting 'present me' thrive,come alive,emerge, be born.. constantly wounding the 'new me'.

'The new' me is getting stronger thriving despite all these. it has immense healing powers and has unwavering strength. It is also understanding towards the 'old me' tolerating the abuse coming from it, as this abuse is making the 'new me' even stronger. There is even a little understanding/empathy coming from the new to the old.

The old me is turning away from the light, as the new me is facing towards the light"

I'm getting really irritated.  My car still sits in the driveway.  I have to get up early every morning to drive bf over to his friends to catch a ride.  Now the alternator is going out in his truck.  Which means I am stuck home today with no working vehicle AGAIN.  He's picking an alternator up and probably putting it in tonight.  But I want him to fix my f#&ing car.  I'm to the point where I'm willing to spent the $1000 to get it fixed myself.  But it will cost $300 if I wait.  I HATE THIS!!!!!  I have no ride to tx and a snow storm is coming during the night tonight.  WTF 

Hey everyone!

Paxton, I am so sorry you're having car troubles again-- that truly stinks to high heaven!  It seems when it rains, it pours.  Did you get the snowstorm?  Try to hang in there. Maybe you could draw a picture of your car problems.  If I had your talent, I'd be drawing all the time-- you're awesome at that!  

Tri, I truly hope your surgery went well.  Please let us know how you are doing, ok?  And I too am still gaining weight.  I swear I am so sick of worrying about it.  I am terrified that it will cause the cancer to come back, as I read in that article here on bc.org, but yet I just keep eating stuff I don't need.  At least I am eating more vegetables and fruits, but also still downing the cheesy popcorn and any other crunchy stuff I can find.  I am miserable and my pants are getting way too tight.  I too am eating stuff I haven't had in years... maybe our bodies just are needing something right now...  hang in there!

Marietta, how are the rads going?  Overall, how do you feel with rads compared with chemo?  I dread the whole routine.  I just wish I knew what my schedule is going to be.  I have my next Herceptin on Feb. 25, and that is supposed to be my first radiation tx, but haven't heard anything definite from the rad onc's office.  

I thought I'd post a new pic of the grandson. It's hard to believe he's a month old!  I'm craving his hugs really bad!  I will get to see him and his family on the 23rd, and I can't wait!!!

Marietta,

I'm glad to hear you're feeling very well and better w/rads than w/chemo.  That gives me hope.  Some people have told me rads are worse than chemo, but I don't see how. I am feeling almost like my old self again (except the hair!) and I am really surprised at how different I feel now than when I was on chemo.  I am hoping to get more stamina back soon. I feel great during the day, but by the time I get home from work and get supper, I'm spent.  But it's much better than before...

I wish you the best of luck on your job interview!  What kind of position are you applying for?  I bet you'll ace it!  Let us know how it goes!

Hugs,

Mary Jo

Tri: hope your surgery continues to go well.  I was awake for all the surgeries I've had so far except the SND.  I felt so hungover from the anesthesia.  So drink lots of water and hope you feel better soon.  Glad things are coming along. 

I talked to the dr all the way through my lumpectomy.  They brought me in to the OR and then made me sit there and wait until dr was done with the surgery he was doing.  It was my first surgery so I was nearly coming unglued.  The nurse even asked after looking at me if I would be able to do it.  I saw a radio in the corner and made her turn it on while I did deep breathing.  Once they gave me the drugs it was all cool .  They said I'd fall asleep or not remember, but I talked the whole time.  I talked to the surgeon about how we both have teeth that are really close together and it sucks getting flossed at the dentist.  All of a sudden I saw the mass he was taking out and yelled, "holy shit thats HUGE.  Isn't that going to leave a giant crater in my boob ?"  I can about imagine how stoned I sounded, too.  Gosh that seems so long ago. 

Marietta: that's awesome you're applying for a new job.  I hope it goes well.  Glad you're hitting the booster section of rads.  I'm not exactly sure where I'm at from missing tx's.  I was suppose to see dr on wed when I missed.  I thought I'd just see him yesterday but nobody said a word so I have no clue.  I thought I was having like 5 boosts and I know I'm real close to being done with the regular.  How's the itching. 

MJ:  Your grandbaby is such a honey .  It is hard to believe its been a month.  That's crazy.  It really doesn't seem that long. 

I'm sure you'll do great with rads.  A lot of times you don't feel any different and the redness doesn't come until toward the end.  I had days where I'd get home and be so tired and just felt weird.  But then I'd be back to feeling fine. 

I get emotional sometimes.  I don't know if thats related to rads or just slowly moving back into "normal" life and not feeling very good about how I look and where I go from here, etc.  I exercised 5 days a week for 6 weeks and ate pretty decent and didn't lose a pound or fit in my clothes better .  That's been very frustrating.  And then to have gray hair growing back.  Its just overwhelming at times.  I still have my appt in early march to get the genetic test results.  And then to decide when to go back to work and if I'll go back to my old job or look for one closer . 

And no my car still isn't fixed .  I liked your idea about holding out in the sex dept, tri, but he can go wayyy longer than I can so that wouldn't really work.  I suppose I could tell him I'm going to jump on him and rip his clothes off every night until he fixes the car.  That could really work . 

Well, have a good weekend!!!

Had to share this with you gals.

So.. the National Breast Cancer Marathon in Jacksonville was my carrot all throughout chemo and I trained slugging the miles only to have my exhange surgery to be scheduled on Thursday the 14th( the event is on the17th). could not delay the surgery cause my rads are waiting on it.

Managed to talk the dh into driving me there on Saturday(with my PS's ok) to spectate and support my friends and family who were doing the event even though I could not do it. It was tiring but exhilirating at the same time...There were 8 first timers in my group !!!

and it seems like we were on the local news with mydaughter !!

http://wm.wtlv.gannett.edgestreams.net/news/2008-02-17/grayson6pm.wmv

Aylin.

Thanks for sharing that Tri! I got a little teary watching it, I just wanted to hug the man that lost his wife. Good for him for being out there and supporting everyone. You look great! And it is neat to put a voice and face and words together. Your daughter is adorable. I hope you are taking things easy today and healing quickly!

MaryJo, I have a second interview today. But I'm pretty sure I've got the job. My friend is on the board of the ice rink assocation here (we don't actually have an ice rink, they are trying to raise money to build one) and she recommended me for one of two paid positions, Campaign administrator. I met with the campaign coordinator and that went really well. I'm meeting one of the other board members today...but it's just a formality. I have 12 years experience in the non-profit sector and am good at raising money so it's a great fit. I would be working 20 hours a week and can do most of it from home. So I'm very excited about that, especially since I don't want have to put Chris in daycare and camps all summer when school is out. They are really supportive of my BC situation too, so that helps. I will say a prayer for your co-worker, that is so sad!

Pax I sure hope your car is getting fixed right now!!

Oh I'm still here.  That news clip of your marathon was pretty cool.  Glad you were able to go.  Sure hope your surgery outcome gets fixed. 

I don't know why I was awake during the lumpectomy.  I was awake during the port surgery, too.  He didn't numb me up enough and I yelled from under the sheet.  And it hurt like hell when he was pushing it in.  But they won't take it out for 2 years. 

Don't think I'll get my car fixed for awhile.  We just can't get out of this cold weather and blowing snow spell.  Its kind of nice using the truck so I know I can get out of the driveway and won't get stuck along the way.  It suppose to be -35 tonight.  I'm really tired of this.

I didn't go to rads yesterday or today because of the burns.  I see dr tomorrow.  I have 2 reg tx's which I could probably just bite the bullet and do, but then I have 5 more boosts and the SND scar is one of the burned areas.  This is going to suck.   

Congrats, Marietta!!!

Me again! Here's one of my very favorite photos--my daughter Jenny (mom of my new grandson), my son Andy and me at Andy's wedding rehearsal, Nov. 2006.  I love this pic because we were a threesome for so long and it brings back wonderful memories!  (funny thing about this photo is that's their dad (my ex) in the background, white shirt and my now-hubby took the picture!  He claims he lacks in photog skills, bless his sweet heart!  MJ

awww, that pic of your son-in-law and mason is absolutely sweet.  I like your other pics, too.  Its nice to see more of each other and the people in our lives. 

I saw the dr and a specialist today and they said no way on treatments for now.  I have to go back Monday and see if I'm healed enough.  This blows.  I'm glad not to be getting more radiation while burned but I'm so close to being done and it keeps getting pressed back.  Guess I'll survive a little longer. Ho Hum!!

Tri the only thing I have been using during rads is good old aquaphor...It has worked really well for me. I feel so bad when I hear how badly people are getting burned as I have done really well so far. Since having a 3 day weekend and now doing the boost (which is a much smaller area) my rash is starting to dry up and clear up...still itchy though.

Yesterday I asked my rad tech if I could start using regular deoderant on the left side now since the radiation doesn't hit my pit anymore and she said "yes, please..." we both cracked up laughing. I just love my techs, they are really fun and sweet.

Mary JO I love your pics. I wish I could figure out to upload some of mine. Pax mentioned a way to do it a while back, but I really am not that techie, soooo...it never happened.

Hang in there, Pax! You'll be done with this soon. I know you must be frustrated.

I start my new job today...a little nervous!!

Check in with you all later.

Marietta 

Tri please do not panic! My tumor markers went up the whole time I was on chemo...It truly can be a side effect of the chemo. Mine finally went down and and was like whew! Please keep us posted and I will pray for great results from your blood test.

Hang in there girl!! 

Marietta 

Tri, please don't be upset about the markers!  While I was still having chemo, I asked the nurse practitioner if they would do tumor marker tests on me, and she said no, that the results are so often so very unreliable and variable that they do not do tumor marker tests on their early stage breast cancer patients (Tri, that would mean you, too!) even after treatments are done.  And like Marietta said, chemo makes them go all out of whack anyway.  I was even told that tumor markers can fluctuate and appear to be high even in healthy people that have never had cancer. 

So, Tri, just focus on how aggressive you are fighting the bc with the treatments you are getting.  (I would tell you not to be worry, but I am a big worrier too and that would be like "the pot calling the kettle black"-- that's an old southern saying) BTW, if I were you, I would request that the cost of the marker test be written off and your insurance not charged for it, since it was the doctor's mistake.  That happened to me right before I started chemo-- they did a CA-125 tumor marker test for ovarian cancer (where that came from, I don't know!), and it came back a 4, which I was told was very good, but since it was ordered by mistake, they wiped it off the books and didn't bill my insurance.  It might affect future test coverage if they don't bill that against your insurance.

And no, Tri, you are NOT acting illogically-- heck far, anything related to BC is scary stuff to deal with! Just hang in there and don't beat yourself up for not hearing the "message" as clearly as you feel you should.  Here's how you have helped me:  all the while, I have been depressed and hating myself for not taking better care of myself, maintaining a lower weight and exercising more, because I feel that all the self-neglect is what caused me to have breast cancer.  BUT, I look at ladies like you, very healthy and fit and working hard at it every day, eating very well, and still bc has affected your life.  So, in a nutshell, I think "anyone, no matter what shape or size or fitness level, can be affected by this stinking thing called breast cancer.  And I admire you so much, because you are such a remarkable lady and have stuck with your fitness efforts as best you could during all your surgeries and treatments, and YES, with utmost GRACE!  And thank you for reminding us that good does come out of bad!  SO, sweet lady, you are such an inspiration to me and to all of us and I thank you for it!!!!  How's that for a message?

Hugs to you and the rest of the ladies that are left on the Sept. chemo thread-- you've all helped me so much! 

Mary Jo 

Thanks Mary Jo you are so kind I will savor that message forever ! I just was not expecting to get a test result that day and it was blurted out matter-of-factly so I was not prepared. I am hoping it is just my blood freaking out from all the chemo(it was on the day of the my last 8th treatment) , but will probably know more next week when I get the result of the new one that they drew yesterday 6 weeks after my last chemo. I need to hear the word NED ( No evidence of disease) so bad.  I have been doing my homework like all of you, suffering ... I do not think I could have tried any harder. But I understand that no matter what we do the results are not guaranteed, we can only do our best to help with the good outcome and wait for it to happen not losing faith.  I still can not help but think that some higher power is wanting me to really let go and stop being the control freak I am ( for example if I had not asked for the blood test I would not have been freaked out today )

And I also feel guilty that I am putting my fiance ( husband) through this he will not leave my side will not go with his buddies I am afraid he will get burned out too. 

You really made me laugh, when you said that I made you feel good by demonstrating that if the bc will hit it will hit no matter what lifestyle preventions you take. I have a related thought which I think of as really mean that I will share now : When I see all those overweight people, eating their delicious Whoppers and smoking their cigarettes carelessly I get sooooo mad that they are doing fine and I had to go through this ! See this is the other side of it. Oh well..

No Pax since you do not have tx and you will saving some $$ by having the brother fix the car for a plane ticket I definitely think that you should not sit out there,  I think you should come over to camp on my sofa bed.. think about it.. I am sitting by the pool and it is 82%...  my mom does not come until march14th, and the room is available ! ( of course you have to come unarmed cause I happen to like the ducks that come to the pond in front of us )

 I put that book in my wish list in amazon.

I think I am bouncing back, adapting... have to put on lots of makeup tho to cover the puffy eyes.  .

Now why do I feel like I am the mouse in a cat&mouse game ? Getting cornered again just as I thought I found a little hole that I am safe in ? Now I feel like I am in a smaller hole my comfort zone has decreased further but will try to be happy and enjoy my new state somehow.

Starting thinking about juicing on the alternative treatments thread.

Aylin .. : still a bit off balance trying to stabilize, ground after yesterday.