Forgive and Forget

All in all I think you're taking the right way.

Sometimes we can harbor little resentments against people we don't have to see or will never see again, but not with family.

Without actually knowing her I would guess that this isn't the first obnoxious thing she's ever said to you -- most likely totally clueless about how obnoxious it sounds to you.  So just chalk it up, forgive her, and move on!  

Linda, there have been many women on this board that have been hurt by words and/or actions of ignorant/stupid people.  I think you have started a good thread. 

I don't believe anyone said anything bad that actually hurt me.  Or did anything really bad or stupid.  I'm lucky.  And I don't hold any grudge/s for anyone who never offered a hand.  I don't want anyone to do something for me that they don't want to do... from their heart.

Where I would have been hurt is if my dh and daughters did something that was hurtful.  Well, dh could have done a few more things that were sensitive.  But, he was there for everything, took care of my drains, cooked meals, yada yada..LOL  My girls were my rock.  Their caring a love showed through in a time I needed it the most.  Not all Moms are so lucky.

So, I just thank God for see me through this difficult journey.  And I'll pray they he'll get me through another journey if I should ever HAVE go  there.  ()

Shirley

Hello to all.

It is so right - to forgive.

Also, it is very hard.

Because I know now what to expect.

Also I'm trying to be sensitive to people and think before I'm talking.

"It sounds like your MIL was trying to be helpful the way most people are when we're dealing with cancer. There's no manual for folks to know how to say what we need to hear when we need to hear it."

O, this is so trye! I can't say better.

I am so sorry for the loss of your brother and the time you could have had together.

Thanks, Ginger.

Sorry if I made this thread all about me - it's not!  The irony is that I was reading the thread and thinking about my brother, when I looked at the date and realized it was the one-year anniversary of his death.  I knew vaguely that it was this week sometime, but I had not planned on making special note of the day in my mind.

Then this thread grabbed me and I realized I needed to take a moment and remember him and pray that he is at peace.

Keep up the comments about forgiveness.  But I don't want this to turn into a thread about me.

hugs,

I finally forgave my father for abandoning his family when we were children and not keeping in good contact. He wanted his family back when he was diagnosed with Cancer, but I was rigid. I regret that now many years later. I've forgiven him, now if I could just forgive me.

Hazel

I also want to thank you for starting this thread and yes, maybe just writing these things down will make a difference. I know that forgiveness is the correct thing to do and I am working really hard to forgive a very dear cousin, we were like best friends. We did everything together - cottages at the lake, traveled, etc. and when I had my surgery she stopped coming to visit and then after I started chemo she started sending me emails one right after another on how I had brought this BC on myself through my thinking and how trying to work on appearances, etc. etc. She even sent me a powerpoint presentation on how I had brought this on by the wrong way of thinking, wearing makeup, keeping a clean house, etc. etc. - honestly it just didn't stop for about a month.  She kept saying it was for my own good and I have truly tried to understand her way of thinking, but like my BC Buddy said - we don't bring this on ourselves, BC can find its own way to our bodies.  I know if I let this go and forgive, it would be so much easier to find peace and I can only change myself and no one else.  I can usually shake things off and I am angry at myself for holding on to this hurt.

I am sorry for all of you who have had hurtful things said or done to you.  This journey is hard enough without others adding to the pain.

Harsch,

I had the exact same experience from my best friend, although without the powerpoint presentations and emails.  I was even quoted which book the info came from and sent the book as a reference!  Well ... the first time she said this to me, I was so shocked, I retorted I didn't believe that for one second and said it was nonsense.  Forgiving is the easy part.  Easy to forgive ignorance. Forgetting is another story and something we will never do.  This is what I have done.  I remember it now in the same context that I forgave it. An ignorant comment by someone who has absolutely no knowledge of breast cancer.  (I didn't either when I got it.)  Actually, now, almost a year later, I have to chuckle about it.  Are we still best friends.  Not really, we drifted apart, but still talk once month.  But because of my comment to her, down the road, she did take the time to ask me exactly what my tx was like, etc.  She didn't change her views, they are personal FOR HER.  And I won't try to change her.  I pray to God she never has to experience this. 

In the big picture, breast cancer is still perceived as the "curable" "no big deal" cancer.  Until you get it or are affected by it.  Incredibly sad, but true.

We can forgive ignorance, but not forget it ... that's what leads to change ... in my opinion.

Bren

Great thread! I only have one that stands out in my mind (I'm lucky in the friend dept I guess, and I'm a contractor, so I don't have to deal with idiot co-workers) and it is about the person I considered to be my best friend. She insisted on driving up from CT to take me to chemo. I really didn't need her to, but it was something SHE needed to do to make HER feel better about my bc, so I said fine. She sat there during chemo, with this stricken look on her face, at times literally covering her mouth with her hand in horror - um, not helpful to me or to the other women in my quad. (I was in the chairs at that point, it was only my 2nd chemo, hadn't lost my hair yet, which made it so much easier on her LOL) When my fabuolous chemo nurse Deidre came to inject the red devil, she added some audio to the look of horror, something along the lines of, "oh my God, oh jeez, look at that, look at the color of that, I don't know Col, that just not right, oh my God", um, again, not helpful, not comforting, and really made me want to punch her in the face. We get home and she proceeds to go on and on and on about how horrifying it was to my then fiance (let's not even discuss him, I am not at the forgive and forget stage with him yet ) When I was nauseaus and throwing up, even on the anti-nausea meds, the one thing I could eat was american chop suey, but it had to be the way my mom made it you know? I was still on my chemo high, and really just wanted to make the damn chop suey myself (you remember how feeling like a normal person was kind of critical to feeling better?) but she insisted. Again, she needed to "help me" so she could feel better. Despite telling her many times that there wasn't enough water in the pot (think thick, starchy, gunky pasta), that she needed to cook the onions and peppers first, until they were really soft, before adding the meat, that she needed to drain the meat and veggies really well, she refused to listen, saying, "I think I know how to cook chop suey!" The entire pot was disgusting, not only could I not eat it, it added to my nausea when I tried. I have never been so happy to see someone leave! We drifted apart, she stopped calling, because as she put it, "she didn't know what to say to me" and "didn't feel comfortable telling me about her petty problems when I had cancer", despite the fact that I told her, I'm still me, I'm not just cancer, and I want to hear about normal things. Long after my tx ended, and I was back to "normal" (ha!) with the rest of my friends, I still wasn't talking much to her. The person that I used to talk to literally every single day, now I would always get her voicemail, and she rarely called me back. Many times, I would call and it would be busy (yes, she lives in the stone age and doesn't have call waiting!) and then 5 minutes later I would call and it would go to voicemail. It broke my heart. But you know what? This summer I called her, and I was really honest with her, and I told her that I missed her and I missed our friendship. It was a hard conversation, and she didn't exactly react the way I would have liked, she downplayed her behavior a lot, and sort of threw it on me, and said I was the one that wasn't calling her. Whatever, we decided to try to get back what we once had. It's been slow going, but we are on the right track. And I'm glad I did it, because in my heart, as much as her behavior hurt me, I always knew that it was because it was so very painful for her to have this happen to me, and that she had a lot of guilt about it (she smokes, she drinks regularly, and probably too much, she's always been the "bad girl" to my "good girl")

Whoa! I had no idea that was all inside me still to that extent. It was great to get it out, and you know what, I think I'm going to give her a call right now.

Yes, forgiving, and moving on, is good for you!

Linda,

This is a fantastic topic.   I think one of the things I come to realize going thru bc treatment was that we never know what tomorrow holds for us and holding grudges and letting hurts eat at us doesn't make us feel better.  I'm getting very selfish with my energy. 

I'm still trying very hard to forgive my sister.  Right after I was dx'd she decided she didn't know what to say so she didn't say anything for 10 months!  I'm not sure I'll every understand how you do that.  Problem is I just can't forget it and it's been 6 years.  I'm not sure whether that is just as difficult as the forgiveness. 

Debbie

I was fortunate to have a wonderful, close, supportive network of family and friends during treatment.   The few "hurtful" instances, I wrote off to ignorance--like one day at work, a co-worker started commenting on my new hair cut--loudly, in front of many people.   She was sincere in her compliments but I just wanted her to shut up!  I was bald and wearing a wig.   I sent her an e-mail explaining my new hair cut and that shut her up.   And, I did receive a few comments along the lines of, well if you have to have cancer cancer breast cancer is the best one to have...grrrrrrrrrr

But, what is now sticking in my craw is the fact that all my friends and some family have this pollyanna attitude--"ok--you've had cancer, you've been treated, you're finished, you're ok--why aren't you your old energetic hyper self??"

Sorry guys--having cancer, having chemo, having radiation--it took a lot out of me and I am never going to be back to where I was.   I accept that.   They have no concept of the follow-up terror I go through, nor the constant fear of recurrence that is never far away.   And, they have no concept of the fatigue I had during treatment that continues to a lesser degree now.  Nor of the lingering mild depression I have because my life was totally ripped apart and changed.

I hope that none of them ever have to walk in our shoes, but unless that happens, some of them will never "get it".

I just try to educate them when I can and pray that they don't ever really "get it".

junie