Thanks for the shoulders to cry on

I wanted to thank everyone for their responses to my last post.  I do appreciate it.  Over the past 7 years, I have gone to counseling and tried different antidepressants.  I dont' think I'm depressed like I was at the beginning.  Going through the divorce and the first cancer at the same time really threw me for a loop.  I just wish I felt emotionally and physically like I did before all this happened.  I know this is not a divorce board but sometimes I feel like the divorce was my fault.  We had a great relationship for 13 years then I couldn't get pregnant.  We ended up going through 3 years of very grueling infertility treatments.  It took a toll on our marriage and finances.  I became very moody during that time.  I'm sure it was from all the hormones and fertility drugs.  Things just changed after that and never got better.  I'm not trying to feel sorry for myself but I was really trying to let go and move on.  About a year after the first cancer, I had a complete hysterectomy.  Then 2 years later I had a recurrence of the cancer. I  just feel I've never really had a chance to heal from one thing before something else hit.  I was so distraught over the divorce, I never really dealt with the cancer emotionally.  I also find it hard to deal with the body changes. Although I am glad to have hair, it came back very frizzy & curly (both times).  What bothers me the most is the weight gain.  I was 113 lbs. when I was first diagnosed. I am now 130.  I have managed to lose some weight but it's so frustrating.  That extra weight is a lot on a small frame.  I really gained through my waist.  I look like I'm 6 mos. pregnant.  I'm sure the hysterectomy contributed to that.  It's so hard to find clothes that fit and are comfortable.  I never had that problem before. I am finally sleeping better after years of not being able to sleep. I am grateful for that.  I just really miss the joy I used to feel. I still feel joy but I guess I just don't have the passion for life that I used to. I feel I am so selfish for feeling this way. I've lost many friends to BC and have a friend right now that probably only has weeks to live. I'm sure she would love to have my life.  I try not to be negative even though it may not sound like it. I don't know why I had to go through infertility then divorce and cancer.  Okay, to show I still have a sense of humor buried deep down, the infertility treatments did work.  I know have a LOVELY 13 year old son that knows everything and thinks his mother is so lame!!! Thanks again for listening to me whine.