Feeling sad

julie26 · January 2008

Feeling sad

julie26 · January 2008

I really don't know if this is where I belong or not. I've posted here once or twice so I may sound like a broken record. I have been "stuck" and can't seem to move on. I was first dx in 2001 then had a recurrence in 2005. I went through a divorce after a 21 years marriage during the first cancer which was so devastating. It seems I just can't get over that and move on. I'm just not the same anymore. I miss the joy and passion I used to feel for life. You think I'd be grateful that I am still alive. I actually am and try to be positive. I am not depressed. I get up and function. I still laugh sometimes but I'm just not the same. I don't know how much of it's the divorce or cancer. Maybe it's a little of both. To be honest, I was so upset about the divorce, I never really thought about the cancer. I just did what I had to do. I can't believe that they both happened at the same time. I don't understand it. I know that I would have handled the cancer and treatments much differently had I not been going through the personal issues. I feel like I am wasting my life. I don't know how to snap out of this. I want to live again. I know there are so many women on this site that are dealing with much worse issues and I feel selfish even venting about this. I just don't want to feel this way anymore. I want to let go and move on I just don't know how. Thank you so much for listening. I guess I needed to vent.

wallan · January 2008

Kelly:

I am glad you came and vented. HUGS to you. You have had a very difficult few years, it sounds like.

This site is great for support and venting. Believe me. Have you thought about talking to a counselor about your pain and grief over the divorce? It may help.

And you won't be the same after all that. Of course not. You have a new normal now. And it takes time to adjust to that.

HUGs to you again.

My heart goes out to you.

Wendy A

FEB · January 2008

God bless you Kelly! This thing is hard enough to deal with without a divorce on top of it. You must be a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. I am determined not to let this ruin my life. Look deep inside and follow your heart. What in your wildest dreams have you always wanted to do? When you figure it out, go for it! I love to travel, and my husband never takes the time off, so I have decided that if he does not want to go with me, I will go with a friend. Life is too short to not enjoy it. Plus, since you seem to have been through this a while ago, maybe you can can comment more. I bet your experiences will really help others. Isn't that the best thing about being a woman? We are there for each other. As the mother of boys, I feel sorry that guys just do not have each other the way woman do.

Put you face in the sun and feel the love! (unless of course, you have all clouds and might get 8 inches of snow today like us, then you will have to wait til tomorrow. Remember Scarlet, "Tomorrow is another day!"

Linda

TerryNY · January 2008

Kelly, you've been through a lot in the past few years and my suggestion would be to try counseling. Has clinical depression been ruled out by a doctor?

Having experienced two major life altering events at the same time, it's no wonder you're feeling lost!

Do you have a family or friend support system in place? I hope you can take some steps towards finding peace and honestly, there is no shame in having to take meds in time of need.

Please come back and let us know how you're doing.

Harley44 · January 2008

Kelly,

{HUGS} I feel for you! You have been through SO much in the past few years!

I think we all get a little bit depressed when we are dx'd with bc... but, with your divorce and all the other personal problems you must be dealing with right now, maybe you will need some more help to get you back to feeling normal again. I agree with the others, when they say that maybe it's time to talk to a counselor or therapist for some help in feeling better.

There definitely IS a new NORMAL for us after bc... life is NEVER the same after BC! I am now trying to find the new ME... I don't recognize the face that I see in the mirror... after losing my hair, it has come in all gray and weird... I don't know who this woman is...

But, I will try to get to know her better.

Good Luck!! Keep me posted on your progress...

Thinking of you, and keeping you in my prayers,

Harley

gsg · January 2008

They say misery loves company and I'm where you are, Kelly. Breast cancer changed me and not for the better. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, but I don't. I just wanted you to know you are not alone. This seems to be a normal occurrence...some sort of post-traumatic stress disorder. Some days are better than others. I'm pretty good at hiding this from those around me and I hope at some point to get back to living life again...until that happens, I'm basically just dealing with my new life and trying to avoid all mirrors.

LittleFlower · January 2008

kelly,

gee don't feel selfish! if you can't vent here, then where??

So cancer alone is tough enough, but when life still throws you other curve balls it can really set you back. i am with you, i'm glad for a second chance (i hope anyways) but the fear still brings me down too. So unfortunately life IS different than it was before, it's a new life now. i'm still trying to adjust, unfortunately for me i'm trying to live my life like i did precancer, and that's not working so well. Treatment and life circumstances take their toll. I guess my advice to you would be: consider a mild dose of an antidepressant, you might find a little more joy in life like you once did, and you DESERVE IT for all you've come through. FOCUS ON YOU, i can't really give any advice re: divorce, i'm only a newlywed myself, but maybe seek counselling re: all the recent changes. I know i was very resistent to seek help, but life is tough (tougher for some than others) and take every bit of help that's offered, cause it is not worth struggling through!!!

Littleflower

Harsch · January 2008

KellyM:

If there was ever a forum of people who truly care - this is it, it has helped me more than I can tell you. You had a really tough go and I am in the middle of chemo and I can't even imagine a divorce, so I am not sure if HUGS are good enough to send to you. You have been a very brave woman, and as woman "courage" is something I believe is built into us. But please keep talking and I am always willing to listen, sometime just putting it in words makes a difference. I couldn't bring myself to join a support group, so this is my support group and I couldn't ask for a nicer/kinder group of people. I just asked my mother in law about your situation and she said "just keep talking" talk and talk and keep writing us, there are people that truly care.

For a start, I wish you this one day full of total joy, because it is out there, take that leap of faith when you are ready and keep writing us. Instead of hugs I am sending you my compassion.

Anonymous · January 2008

Kelly...I don't know alot, but I do know that telling yourself to snap out of it and get positive doesn't do a thing except make you feel guiltier and worse. All of the posters have had great suggestions and I'd say you should try any that appeals to you. I found, though, that the only things that helped me begin to realize joy again were time, exercise and drugs. I simply put one foot in front of the other, vented when I needed to, exercised alot (that's just me...I'm extremely physical), and took an antidepressant that the doctor prescribed to help me with the insomnia caused by taking Aromasin.

Hang in there, Kelly, and keep coming here to vent whenever you need to.

~Marin

paige-allyson · January 2008

Kelly- A lot of good advice here. I agree with Marin re: telling yourself to snap out of it. It just doesn't help to do that. You want to feel better and you can't, right? It's like having the flu and telling yourself to get out there and go to work or go to the gym. Depression can be very, very subtle. I really did not recognize my depression for what it was for a long time. After cancer I started on an antidepressant and it made a huge difference. Wish I'd done it 10 years ago. I was "functioning" and seemed on the outside to be doing well but inside I had many of the feelings you describe. It is a great relief to not feel like that anymore and to feel like I am really living my life the best I can every day. For me exercise and good sleep help too. As far as people having worse issues- you can always find someone in a worse situation- for the person who's lost one leg there's also a person who's lost both plus an arm (or whatever). It's helpful if one can find some comfort in this but not beneficial or realistic at all if it's used to basically tell yourself to "suck it up."

In my case I am glad I wasn't diagnosed with mets right off the bat but I was/am not too thrilled with the stage III dx. If someone told me "Just be glad you're not stage IV, what are you whining about" I'd think I'd give them a good slug. I'd probably be pretty upset if I had stage I bc too- initially this looked like the scenario and I was freaking out. Enough of my rambling- I'm sure you get the point. Be kind to yourself because having a bc diagnosis (or two) is really a downer- no two ways about it. That said, you deserve to enjoy each and every day and there are ways to make this possibility more likely. Allyson

kajo · January 2008

Kelly,

Your situation sounds so familar. This divorce has got to be dealt with, the hurt, the anger.

The pages of your life that were filled with your marriage, dreams, so much. It's like that part of your life never exisited, yet it did! And it was important to you, all the memories, the good times, the sad times and who do you remember your life with? It's like being lost and can't find exactly what is going to fill the void that was left. Now your faced with a blank page and wondering what to put on it.? Lost, afraid. If you have a friend that can keep a confidence, ask them to accompany you to a therapist. I was married for 23 years. I have been remarried for 6. He is wonderful, but I have been on guard and waiting for it to happen again. I have been seeing a therapist and it has helped. Most, All, of the work is going to come from you. And it is hard, but it can be done. I waited a long time to ask for help, but I'm really glad I did.

Go for it Kelly! Make the move, take the step, its ok. Actually, you already made a move by coming here. You are not alone.

Kajo

iodine · February 2008

My dear Kelly, I have little to add to the wonderful words above and am here just to add that you are heard, understood and accepted with valid thoughts and concerns.

Your weight of grief must be so heavy, I hope you will allow us to help you carry a bit of it with you.

I, too, hope you will seek a good counselor and begin to find the you that you want to be and the joy you deserve in life.

((hugs))

KariLynn · February 2008

Kelly,

You've been through a lot - I agree with everyone who suggested seeing a counselor (and find one who can prescribe drugs!) You can function and still be depressed and there are things that can help.

Never feel bad for sharing your feeling - just because some might have it worse doesn't mean you weren't dealt a shitty hand. Don't diminish your feelings.

Take care,

Kari

Anonymous · February 2008

I have no further advice. I agree with the women here. You must do what is best for you. You must have felt like you were climbing a mountain with all you have endured.

Hugs,

Shirley

candie1971 · February 2008

Kelly, I certainly can't add much more because the posts before mine have said it all. I wish you peace,love and good days. Keep coming here to talk, we will always be here for you.

Hugs and prayers,

Candie

gsg · February 2008

Kelly, I just bumped an old thread of mine for you (I can't get my act together and I don't know why). It might at least make you laugh and see you are absolutely not alone in your feelings. Lots of women here posted the humorous side of "us no longer being us."

also, i didn't mention in my previous post that I am sorry about your marriage. To have one traumatic event, bc, is so hard...to have two happening at the same time is horrendous. It makes it that much harder to regain your footing.

Take care-

Patrice (gsg)

paige-allyson · February 2008

Patrice- I know it was for Kelly's benefit but I gotta thank you for bumping up your old thread. I totally relate and am really enjoying it. Fortunately I am part way out of the "looks like my house was ransacked" phase (I finished radiation on 12/18) and am in the "how cool is this, I've discovered the flylady" phase. I do notice that I have lost my taste for "stuff" hope this continues.

Kelly- I didn't comment on your divorce- that and the bc at the same time...I can't even imagine. Taking good care of yourself (like you did already by starting the thread) and a good support system (here, elsewhere) can help too. Allyson

gsg · February 2008

allyson: i'm glad you're enjoying the thread and kudos to you for making progress! Someday I hope to be where you are...it gives me a goal.

iodine · February 2008

If you choose to seek counseling, a recommendation for meds can be addressed by your primary care doc to write the scripts. That's what I did when I was seeing a psychologist.

marlegal · February 2008

Kel, I don't look at boards often, but will check my "personal" email file. If you want to talk, and it sounds like you do, leave your phone # and I'll call you back. If you don't want to do that, know that it gets better - much better - with time.

Many hugs to you

Feeling sad

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