Do you feel guilty? and some good news!

Options
phoenix9873
phoenix9873 Member Posts: 35
edited June 2014 in Life After Breast Cancer
Do you feel guilty? and some good news!
· Share on FacebookShare on Twitter

Comments

  • phoenix9873
    phoenix9873 Member Posts: 35
    edited January 2008

    I have recently had a good friend, who helped me through my treatments, die from their own fight with cancer. This was his third time with cancer and he was in his 70's. I told him the last time we talked at the hospital, during one of his feeling better stages, that if it were me and I was at his stage in life, I wouldn't be making myself sick with chemo. He told me that if he got any sicker he was going to stop because we both knew he had a better place, without suffering and pain with God. When he died I was sad but I also felt relief for him to not be suffering anymore. I am 34 yrs old with two beautiful girls 7 and 9, this is why I fought to live. I don't want my kids to grow up without family. That being said, I found out yesterday that my uncle has cancer throughout his entire body, bones, organs, everywhere, and they say he only has days, days to live, he only found out last week that he was sick. He went to the doctor for pain in his ribs. Now, instead of just wishing he doesn't suffer to much from the pain he is, I also feel guilty for winning my fight with cancer. He doesn't even have a chance to fight. I am not sure why I am feeling guilty now and not before, maybe because my friend had a chance to make his peace or something. I just know this hit me out of the blue, so has anyone else felt this way? Also, anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with this new twist I seem to be suffering from.

    Plus on a brighter side, I just went through my first set of test, mammo, us and cancer markers and I am still clean, this time last year I was just starting treatment. God has blessed me beyond words and I look forward to the day I can walk against this disease in his name.

    I would also like to thank you ladies for you support and prayers, I can't begin to tell you what it has meant to me that you guys are here for me. I would not be where I am emotionally and spiritually without this wonderful family we have here.  You have eased my fears and lifted my up when I was down, I only hope I can help some else in the same way one day.

    YOU LADIES ARE TRULY BEAUTIFUL IN MY EYES.

    God Bless, phoenix9873 

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • wishiwere
    wishiwere Member Posts: 3,793
    edited January 2008

    Guilt is a funny thing when it comes to the heart.  You can wish your dear uncle had gotten in sooner so he had time to fight, but I'm sure in his own heart, he is thinking that thank heavens it is him and not you (with your young family) to be getting this news.

    One thing I was thankful with my fathers cancer and death, was that right near that time, a good childhood friend in our neighborhood lost their father to a sudden death from heart attack.  No good-byes, no I love you's.  I remember thinking how lucky we were to have dad around and to know he was going to die, b/c it gave us time to say our good byes.


    I will keep your uncle in my prayers (and your dear friend who passed).  {{{hugs}}} for you sorrow and please, don't feel guilty that you have your life to live with your family.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • caaclark
    caaclark Member Posts: 936
    edited January 2008

    Phoenix-

    I can really relate.  I recently had a friend (the person that really helped me get through treatment) die of BC.  She was stage II, then it recurred as stage I.  It came back a third time and she was stage IV.  I figured she would be around for at least years but it ended up that she died 6 weeks later.  She was only 40 and has a little boy in my middle daughter's class.

    Like you, I am stage III.  She had such a better prognosis than me initially so I just don't get it.  I can't say I feel guilty but I feel something like guilt.  It is an emotion that I don't really have a name for.  She died on Jan 4th and last week it really hit me hard.  It hit me when I found out but I think some time has to go by before we can really process it psychologically.

    I have come to realize what I have read so often on this site.  It really is a crap shoot.  I am sure your friend (and my friend) would not want us to feel guilty. 

    About your follow-up tests-Yeah!!!  That's what we like to hear.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • mke
    mke Member Posts: 584
    edited January 2008

    Glad to hear about your clean bill of health.

    I understand about the sort of guilt, or as Carol put it "something like guilt".  I had it too, still do kind of.  When I started the last round I had 3 friends with cancer and we sort of shared stories in the trenches so to speak.  One by one they died and I just kept getting better. 

    To me it is sort of like getting the best grade on an essay when you know yours is no better than others, maybe worse.  There was nothing I did to earn or deserve getting better and there was nothing they did to deserve dying.  It just happened that way.  That "something like guilt" feeling I have is my futile attempt to have the senseless make sense.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter

Categories