Trying to Move Beyond, but can't...

Hi Laura:  I understand how you feel I went in with a breast lump that they ignored for almost two years as I got sicker and sicker and I'm furious about it still, I've decided to take them to court. I just don't want it to happen to anyone else again by that doctor and the specialist she sent me to. They all just shrugged if off to anxiety, which made me anxious so thats how I'm going to deal with it. I don't really care if I win or lose but I just want them to never treat another women the way they treated me.  I hope it brings me some closure because your nagging thought is the same thing I'm feel everyday and it has to stop because it's not helping me. I need to be positive not always have this in the back of my mind.  I really hope you can fiquire out how to step forward through this. I think what gets me so much is that they took away my strength for so long and actually made me think I was just a worry wort. Good luck XPearl

Laura,

I understand exactly how you feel.  I was very fortunate or lucky to have had really good doctors and surgeons.  Had I had a gyno who said lets watch my lump for 6 months, I would be dead.  And I would have probably accepted that because he was the "doctor".

I realized going thru treatment that you have to take responsibility for your care and ask questions and push doctors for answers.  And I thought I was getting really good at that.  I questioned my onc several times on why I wasn't getting any scans. In May I was dx'd with congestive heart failure/cardiomyopathy from the chemo and the cardiologist cannot believe my onc didn't do muga scans or echos with the chemo.

Since then I have been totally angry at myself for not insisting on scans from my onc!  I'm thinking it should have been HIS responsibility but  somehow find that I'm beating myself up like it is my fault because I have heart damage!

I don't know where you draw the line.  I am not a doctor or nurse.  However, I'm beginning to feel like we are somehow expected to research conditions/problems so that we can ensure our doctors are providing "thorough" care.

My own onc appeared to be following the guidelines and standards in all other aspects of my treatment.  He just never ordered mugas or echos....and I still keep wondering how the hell I missed knowing that should have been done!

Debbie

Hi Laura:



I had a lump similar size

guess a bit smaller

at the beginning



My GP missed it

and the Mammo missed it

On my gut feeling, I went to

a surgeon.. who found it



Yes, I was very angry

and asking WHY is this happening?
to myself



However, then I had surgery,

chemo/rads.. to go through

and knew only so much energy

to move forward

I chose to let it go



Could comment more but won't



When you start suing people

costs big bucks and you have to

be pretty sure



I am approaching eight years

and very grateful



Doctors are not Gods

they make mistakes (not that it should happen)



I had a doctor make a mistake

with my pet as well

said a lump was fine





I often say:

It ain't the hill

I want to Die ON



so many other things

and no one knows how

much time we have

for certain



Sending out good thoughts for you

My primary, a woman, examined me in February, and then I had to wait until June for mammogram.  I actually noticed a slight lump myself and pointed it out to technicians.  But mammogram and sonogram didn't pick it up.  i was told to return in six months but my husband insisted I go get it checked out right away, and thank goodness he did, as it was DCIS and IDC.  However, when I went back to my primary for surgical clearance (and we both knew that I had cancer) she still couldn't feel it.  Said it felt like normal tissue.  it's possible that your tumor grew very quickly.  I've read of that happening with some women.  But it's also possible that the exam was sloppy and too quick--I've read of that as well. I have other things that I find difficult to move beyond. I think we probably all have, as there's always some negligence in our care--we have so much of it with surgery, chemo, radiation, hormone therapy, etc.!  I understand how you feel.  Have you have spoken about it to your gyn? That might help you and might make him/her more vigilant in the future.

(((Laura)))

I'm so sorry you're in pain over this..... 

I occasionally think about how I had annual mammograms for 15 years and 'only' 3 months after my annual gyne exam and mammogram the lump was palpable to my then-lover. It grew very quickly (IMO) from something only palpable to something quite visible (I'm A/B cup). Well, WTF??? As it turned out, my tumor was 'only' 1.2cm but it seemed much larger to me.

My point (if I have one?) is that you never know what is lurking/growing and cancer can grow slowly or quickly. Maybe no one made a mistake or maybe everyone made a mistake? I never do monthly breast exams. I KNOW I should, but I don't.

Laura, call me anytime.

Since I'd had a hyst. in my 30's I need no gyn.  My pcp had me on HRT for menopause.

I finally went to a gyn to discuss stopping HRT in'02, on  a Monday.  Had been getting mammos for 9 years and watching microcals in my right breast.

Had the WORST vaginal and breast exam in history from this gyn (barely touched me) and went for my yearly mammo 4 days later.  Wound up with a 1.9cm. lesion diagnosed on mammo and confirmed on US in my LEFT one.

I'd never felt it either, so I guess I can't blame him too much, I kinda laugh about it at times. He sent me home that day with a New Testiment bible and religious readings. The exam was so lousy--but he did send me a very religious get well card! 

Guess with a doc like that --- you need all the help;you can get from God, cause the doc sucks.

Hi Laura,

I certainly understand your anger and upset over your situation. I just had my first post tx mammo and everything was fine. My surgeon said come back in 3 months.  I thought that was strange, because I had been told it was every six months.  When I got home I reread my path report out of curiosity.  I was treated for IDC, and there on the path report was a notation of LCIS, multifocal in the 10 x 4 x 2 cm section of tissue that was removed on my lumpectomy.  NO ONE HAS YET TO MENTION THIS TO ME.  Guess I better bring up how we're going to deal with this on my next visit in March!!  Makes me wonder if I chose the best option with lumpectomy.

About being able to resolve the past with answers, explanations, etc., to be able to move beyond. My experience in many major life changing and life-altering events was that with or without answers, it didn't change what was and is, and I struggled with that.  For some, I have never received the answer. For another, I didn't understand the answer and why it happened, and it hurt me deeply.  The only thing that helped me was TIME.  I obsessed about the answers for months and months and months.  Sometimes there just is no explanation for human behavior and certainly in the medical field when they took an oath to DO NO HARM. 

The worse part for me was finding a way to be able to trust again ... people in general and certainly the healthcare providers we entrusted our lives to. 

I have to believe now that most doctors and nurses do care.  My rad onc and his staff were kind, but total goofballs. My surgeon is busy, but why haven't we talked about the findings on my path report from last March.  Thank god my new PCP is on the ball and has my back.  I'll discuss this with her as well in March. 

Finally, like Nicki said ILC is really sneaky and tends to grow in sheets or tubes as opposed to a lump and can hide.  Still 3.9 cm is a lot to hide from!!

I hope you are able to resolve your past medical treatment. Maybe a little face to face time with those doc's who did such a lousy job in the past wouldn't hurt.  They need to know they better step up in the future and remember it could be their wives on that examining table.

Please keep writing and let us know how and what you're going to do.

love,

Bren

Laura, sweetie, you are one of the strongest, most supportive sisters on this site.  Your nagging doubts and upset with your doc are totally understandable.  I think you remember what I went thru trying to talk my surgeon in doing the proph mast on the good side.  I still have anger at him when I think about it.  Yes, of course, I could find another surgeon to remove it and I did, but the GALL of that first guy to just tell me "no" about something that is life threatening just eats at me sometime.    I think all of us understand where you are coming from.  AND we know we should let it go, but that is easier said than done!  Love ya girlfriend.  Marsha

HI,

That is the horrible randomness of BC. Nosurrender had alternating Mammos and MRIs every 6 months and yet developed a Ilc with positive nodes. It does make one less confident. Then this year we learned that the chemo combo of  Adria and Taxol may not be effective for most ER + women. I have become even more cynical about cancer treatment and my late DH was an oncologist.Beth

I thought of another suggestion (short of suing) if you think you've not gotten the *best* treatment by a physician .... write a letter to their practice/hospital/state AMA board, outlining the mistreatment and/or explaining why you switched docs.

I was having annual ultra sounds watching a cyst.  During my Aug. 2007 ultra sound the 2 cm breast cancer was found.  The doctor brought me into the office and showed me the ultra sound from the year before.  We could see the cyst, but there was no sign of the cancer that was now showing up.  I think he was as shocked as I was.  Had an MRI and found there was also cancer in the left breast that had never shown up on mamo or ultra sound.  After having a double mastectomy discovered there was an additional tumor that hadn't even shown up on MRI.  What I finally ended up with when all was said and done:  2 cm tumor, 4mm tumor and 3 positive lymph nodes on right and 1.7 cm tumor with 5 positive lymph nodes on left.  I have no idea how all this happened when I was having yearly mamos as well as yearly ultra sounds, but it did.  I just thank GOD everyday that it was finally found.  I know that it is very difficult to understand how in this day and time things like this happen, but sadly they do.  Sometimes everyone can be doing everything correctly and it still isn't enough.  I am not saying that there are not cases out there that need to go to court, such as Snowydays, but for the most part sucky things just happen and it is not because someone didn't care enough to find what was going on.  In a perfect world all the correct things would be done and everyone would live happily ever after.  Unfortunately we aren't in a perfect world and we are all doing, including most doctors, the best we humanly can.

God bless all of you all.

Keep laughing,

Jenny