What can I expect - As death approaches

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reginaOH
reginaOH Member Posts: 4

I am stage 4 with mets to lungs and have decided to end tx when this cycle completes because they are no longer keeping the tumor cells under control. 

Although, I am comfortable with the thought of death, I am in no hurry for it to arrive..

It is my hope that the end stages of my life are done with grace and in such a way that would help my family and me in the process. Having some idea as to what to expect would help me in the end of life process that I know is unavoidable.

I have some things already in place like advance directive , do not resuscitate (DNR-CC)  and spoke to hospice.  I also have a wonderful relationship with God so know that I will have the strength to handle anything that comes my way.

Please Help !!!  I know it is a prophetic question ...Yet it would be a comfort to know what to expect and over what possible time line. 

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Comments

  • 2timer
    2timer Member Posts: 590
    edited September 2007

    I don't know how to help you with your questions.  I just want to say that I am sorry that you are going through this.  I would think that hospice could give you some answers.  When you say "what to expect", what exactly do you mean?  The physical part?  How will your body behave during this period?  Emotional/mental issues?  The more specific you are about what you want to know the more helpful the responses will be.  f

    Are you sure you want to stop treatment?  Just because the treatment you are currently on isn't working doesn't mean that something else won't work.  There are many, many treatment options out there and it might be a good idea to try them.  What does your doctor say?  Please don't give up it there is still a chance that something might work!

    Again, I am so sorry that you are going through this.

  • anitas
    anitas Member Posts: 1
    edited September 2007

    I can only share my experience with death, hope it will be of some help to you.

    My sister died last Nov. Hospice wasn't involved because she wasn't ready to stop treatment. Physically her body was ready ( it had thoroughly spread throughout her liver,whites of eyes were yellow, skin jaundiced...) but mentally she wasn't ready.

    She died 5 days after her last chemo treatment. She did not want to go to a hospital, so I promised we would do our best for her at home. We had her pain meds to administer whenever needed.  When talking to her doctor he said that liver failure was one of the most "euphoric" ways to die.  He walked me through what would happen... how the body slowly shuts down, she'd be asleep more than awake, eventually in a coma and then die.

    You're involving hospice will be a tremendous help to your family, as is your ability to even talk about death.

    I still wonder if we did enough for my sister, if we could have helped her more. I can tell you that her dying was peaceful and perfect, if that makes any sense at all. My mom laid on the bed singing a lullabye, my dad sat on a chair next to her and I was sitting on the bed telling her she was loved.

    I slept in that room on the floor for about a week before she died.  The window was always open, but I never noticed a breeze before that night.  An hour or so before she died a breeze came through and I remember thinking, "Mikey's here for you sis" He was by son's best friend but had died the previous year from a brain tumor.  She died on his 21st birthday and I believe they were celebrating that night in heaven. I really do believe that we are helped in our death, I guess that's why I added that last piece.

    Dealing with one's own death must be difficult, but if you can do it, as someone left behind I would have found comfort in knowing that you had made peace with dying. Having some kind of prearranged funeral plans would have made it easier for her young adult children who were now left with no parent.

    I hope this makes sense and in my effort to be helpful hope that I have offended no one.  Dying is a personal matter and I only meant to share my experience.

    Peace and blessings to you.

  • lvtwoqlt
    lvtwoqlt Member Posts: 6,162
    edited September 2007

    A good friend of mine from the local support group is in the last stages now. Her sister in-law is living at her home to take care of her now. She also has Hospice coming in several times a day to help. She is under alot of sedation to control the pain.

    The support group is taking meals in to her once a week along with the teachers from the local high school where she taught.

    I also was with my aunt when she died from complications from ovarian cancer in 1978, she just fell asleep.

    I hope you will find peace in your life.

    Sheila

  • Jellydonut
    Jellydonut Member Posts: 1,043
    edited January 2009

    Hi Regina,

    My thoughts are with you as you're going through this emotionally painful time.

    There are a few books about death that I'll recommend:

    "How We Die" by Dr. Sherwin Nuland (caution:  this book is not for everyone--it's very descriptive).  Be aware that this book was written in 1994 and the treatments are somewhat outdated.

    "Peaceful Dying" (sorry, forget the author's name)

    "Last Rights" by Stephen Kiernan

    Now go out and enjoy the rest of your life, or as my friend would say, "go and be wonderful".

    Blessings to you.

  • gsg
    gsg Member Posts: 3,386
    edited September 2007

    I am so very sorry you have faced such a difficult choice, Regina.   I helped to care for my stepfather who died in April from renal cell carcinoma...it had spread to his lungs.  I don't know if breast cancer mets are exactly the same as RCC mets.  I found that his last couple weeks did closely mirror what is described on this mayo clinic website.

    http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/cancer/CA00048

    He was mentally cognizant until his last hour of life.  We were able to have wonderful talks and to say everything.  He took care of me last year when I was going through breast cancer treatment and I'm thankful I was able to give back to him by caring for him. 

    He had all of his business affairs in order...had put the vehicles in my mother's name, etc, had all important papers in one lockbox; i.e., will, marriage certificate, birth certificate, CD's, had planned his funeral.  He even told mom to order 15 death certificates.  He was preceded in death by his first wife, so he had experience.  Talking about his death certificate was extremely difficult for us to hear, but he was right.  We've used almost all of them.

    Hospice will be invaluable to both you and your family.  They taught us how to care for him in the best way possible, with grace, dignity, and comfort until the end.

    God bless you, Regina.

    Patrice

  • stacey2930
    stacey2930 Member Posts: 210
    edited September 2007

    Hi Regina,

         I am a nurse so I have seen death many times and it's something we all will face one day and its something we dont like to think about until we are faced with our own mortality. I believe it is so important to have people we love present at that time. I remember years ago I was working in ICU and a young prisioner was admitted and was dying. He didnt have any family members there. As he was dying he was fully aware of what was happening, I remember walking in his room he looked up at me and held out his hand. At that moment I reached out my hand to his and shortly after he died. Nothing mattered at that time just showing love and compassion to another human being.I have also witnessed my fathers death from lung cancer. I remember how he held on until my son was there to tell him goodbye he was in a coma up until that time but the power of love kept him alive until he knew my son was there. I look at death as a new journey, it would be nice if someone on the other side could give us a hint of what we have to look forward to but I guess that is what faith is all about. Regina I wish you peace. For all of us I hope that when our time comes to leave this world we are surrounded by people we love and who love us. God will be there for you now and always>  Stacey

  • Hattie
    Hattie Member Posts: 414
    edited September 2007

    Dying is a lot like being born. I don't remember fearing birth, so that gives me some peace with the dying process. Your body takes over and I think you are helped on your journey to what is next. Hospice can help with pain meds and with your loved ones. No need to worry that you have taken care of everything -- ask your loved ones to take turns being with you and doing what gives you pleasure--reading to you, singing, massaging, joking, telling stories, or just laying with you.



    No one wants to take this next step--life is great--but we all have to. I have lost several friends who actually had some beautiful and peaceful last days. Somehow, they got themselves ready for their transition.



    I am thinking of you.

    Take care,

    --Hattie

  • badboob67
    badboob67 Member Posts: 2,780
    edited September 2007

    Regina,

    You are where I think I will be someday. I think those of us with mets have these questions running as an undercurrent more often than not. I remember reading somewhere (i thought it was here on this site) a very helpful post by a hospice worker about the dying process. It talked about signs that death is imminent. There will be more sleeping than waking, less responsiveness, and changes in appearance/skin color.

    I think it is truly a shame that our society keeps the dying process cloaked in secrecy. Those of us that may die from our cancers could be comforted by more information.

    I am glad that you have your faith. I will be sending you prayers.

    I am so sorry I don't have any more helpful information for you. Perhaps your hospice nurses can help you get the information you need.

    ((((HUGS)))) and prayers,

    Diane 

  • Bimmer
    Bimmer Member Posts: 248
    edited September 2007

    We think that Diane is approaching the end to her life.

    We have said everything that needs to be said. It helped her, I think to donate her body to The University Of Washington School of Medicine, the transportation is all arranged as well.

  • TenderIsOurMight
    TenderIsOurMight Member Posts: 4,493
    edited March 2008

    Bimmer,



    I am so sorry, I hope Diane passes in peace and you have a shoulder waiting to lean on. What a contribution to young physicians, donating one's body. They will respect her in her death, and learn from her so as to contribute to human life. I hope to do the same some day.



    I have started a new thread for the two of you, Bimmer. To mourn with you, and ensure your post does not get "swallowed". I copied your words, I trust you don't mind.



    My heart is heavier today,

    Tender

  • reginaOH
    reginaOH Member Posts: 4
    edited September 2007
    Oh my, what a comfort you have been to me ... I so thank you.
    I am not only awed by the supportive thoughts you shared but by the fact that you took the time to lovingly respond to someone you never met.


    Funny how the Lord works and provides the perfect encouragement in the proper time! . Your responses reminded me that the POWER of LOVE and PEACE can defeat any anxiety and fears that I could created in my imagination.

    Receiving this prayer independently from the posting is another wonderful example of how God has come to my rescue and how He can help others like me just by asking.

    •  
      • Be at peace. Do not look forward in fear to the changes of life; rather look to them with full hope as they arise. God, whose very own you are, will deliver you from out of them. He has kept you until now, and He will lead you safely through all things; and when you cannot stand it, God will bury you in His arms.
        ---
        Do not fear what may happen tomorrow; the same everlasting Father who cares for you today will take care of you then and every day. He will either shield you from suffering, or will give you unfailing strength to bear it.
        ---
        Be at peace, and put aside all anxious thoughts and imagination.

    ---St. Francis de Sales 1567 - 1622


    Thank you , Thank you , Thank you ...
    and want to let you know that I am actively enjoying the journey and not just waiting for the destination to arrive.

    I pray that you may also receive the gifts of love and peace.

    Regina

  • Ter
    Ter Member Posts: 357
    edited October 2007

    dear  Regina,

    There is a very good book, that I have read, and many others too have read it. Its called "Dying Well".  Its the best book I have read on dying ever.  At this moment, the author is at the tip of my tounge but its later than late and I just cant think of it...but please buy it and read it....it has many true stories about this man who is a doctor "hospice" doc, and each chapter is another story about another patient.  Each is so different, but its excellent.  Please get it quickly as there are so many good/yea and sad stories in it, but it helped me, and as a matter of fact there was a story named Terry, spelt different than mine, but her story was so much me, it was like reading about my own life and how it is right now.

    Bless you and may comfort overwhelm you at this time.

    Ter

    PS:

     
  • Ter
    Ter Member Posts: 357
    edited October 2007

    dear  Regina,

    There is a very good book, that I have read, and many others too have read it. Its called "Dying Well".  Its the best book I have read on dying ever.  At this moment, the author is at the tip of my tounge but its later than late and I just cant think of it...but please buy it and read it....it has many true stories about this man who is a doctor "hospice" doc, and each chapter is another story about another patient.  Each is so different, but its excellent.  Please get it quickly as there are so many good/yea and sad stories in it, but it helped me, and as a matter of fact there was a story named Terry, spelt different than mine, but her story was so much me, it was like reading about my own life and how it is right now.

    Bless you and may comfort overwhelm you at this time.

    Ter

    PS:  If you had read many of my old post and even some recent, I use to try to keep humor in my life.  NOW, its harder, but an ole cliche' once read "She who laughs.........................last!

     
  • goldenpony
    goldenpony Member Posts: 13
    edited October 2007

    A really good friend of mine sent this to me and it just touched my heart....I hope it will yours too.

    There was a young woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and had been given three months to live. So as she was getting her things "in order," she contacted her pastor and had him come to her house to discuss certain aspects of her final wishes. She told him which songs she wanted sung at the service, what scriptures she would like read, and what outfit she wanted to be buried in.

    Everything was in order and the pastor was preparing to leave when the young woman suddenly remembered something very important to her. "There's one more thing," she said excitedly.

    "What's that?" came the pastor's reply.

    "This is very important," the young woman continued.
    "I want to be buried with a fork in my right hand."

    The pastor stood looking at the young woman, not knowing quite what to say.

    "That surprises you, doesn't it?" the young woman asked.

    "Well, to be honest, I'm puzzled by the request," said the pastor.

    The young woman explained. "My grandmother once told me this story, and from there on out, I have always done so. I have also, always tried to pass along its message to those I love and those who are in need of encouragement.

    'In all my years of attending church socials and potluck dinners, I always remember that when the dishes of the main course were being cleared, someone would inevitably lean over and say, 'Keep your fork' It was my favorite part because I knew that something better was coming ... like velvety chocolate cake or deep-dish apple pie. Something wonderful, and with substance!' So, I just want people to see me there in that casket with a fork in my hand and I want them to wonder "What's with the fork?". Then I want you to tell them: "Keep your fork .. the best is yet to come." The pastor's eyes welled up with tears of joy as he hugged the young woman good-bye.

    He knew this would be one of the last times he would see her before her death. But he also knew that the young woman had a better grasp of heaven than he did.
    She had a better grasp of what heaven would be like than many people twice her age, with twice as much experience and knowledge. She KNEW that something better was coming.

    At the funeral people were walking by the young woman's casket and they saw the pretty dress she was wearing and the fork placed in her right hand. Over and over, the pastor heard the question "What's with the fork?" And over and over he smiled. During his message, the pastor told the people of the conversation he had with the young woman shortly before she died. He also told them about the fork and about what it symbolized to her.

    The pastor told the people how he could not stop thinking about the fork and told them that they probably would not be able to stop thinking about it either.
    He was right.

    So the next time you reach down for your fork, let it remind you ever so gently, that the best is yet to come.

    Friends are a very rare jewel, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear, they share a word of praise, and they always want to open their hearts to us.

    Show your friends how much you care. Remember to always be there for them, even when you need them more. For you never know when it may be their time to "Keep your fork."

    Cherish the time you have, and the memories you share. Being friends with someone is not an opportunity but a sweet responsibility. 

      And keep your fork!!!

  • faithandfifty
    faithandfifty Member Posts: 10,007
    edited October 2007

    My dear Regina. What a pleasure to come to your home & visit yesterday..... to laugh, to cry, to hug, to share. Thanks for listening to my story and for sharing yours. I LOVED seeing all of your heart felt projects -- they were an inspiration, more than you realize! Your talent, capability and insight are a treasure beyond measure.

    I know that you'll receive the strength and understanding you seek. We have a generous and grace-filled God watching over us thru this journey.... sending us angels of mercy, quotations, books, metaphors, tea and new friends to encourage us -- hold us up and inspire us.

    Thank you for sharing your strength and courage. Thank you for sharing your questions and concerns. Thank you for your example of walking your talk. Know that you shine brightly. I need you to help me thru these next chapters, so take a deep breath and listen for the healing of your broken places.

    Grace, courage, strength and peace in each day as it presents itself.

  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited October 2007

    Dearest Regina,

               While I've only been here a yr and I'm sorry I haven't gotten to know you personally, I can add some words of comfort.  

               I have lost 3 friends, a cousin and an aunt to cancer. My husband, my sil, and I all have it, so someday we will be where you are. I should be so lucky to be so graceful about it as you are. I know that each and everyone was at complete peace. Hospice was a great comfort to them and to the families, none of them were in pain. As death grew near, they were mostly sleeping all the time, with brief periods of conciousness. I had a conversation with my dear friend 3 days before she passed. She said she was sending me all my "bc bears" that I had sent her so they would give me some comfort  and that the pain meds were good, she was feeling sleepy and ready to meet her Lord. She had brain mets and was practically incoherent most days in the past months, but for a wk. before she passed she had a "clearing" of sorts and remembered everything. She was an amazing, strong woman of deep faith, such as you are. I think this way, that it is our faith that gets us through things, our strength, our dreams and hopes. I wish you peace from pain and a smooth transistion home.

        God Bless you and keep you always..

        Love, Peachy

  • faithandfifty
    faithandfifty Member Posts: 10,007
    edited January 2008

    Regina: I just want you to know that I'm thinking of you and sending prayers on your behalf.

  • Sierra
    Sierra Member Posts: 1,638
    edited January 2008





    Dear Regina:



    I have not been to this thread for a long

    time



    but reading today



    just wrap my arms around you

    and envelope you with love

    even though I have not met you



    Thank you to all here who have

    made such beautiful and meaningful

    posts







    Very sadly,







    Sierra

  • Friendle
    Friendle Member Posts: 1
    edited January 2008

    My first post, though I've been lurking for a couple of months on behalf of my mom. While your responses were meant for Regina--and I send my own very best wishes, positive thoughts, and healing energy to you, Regina--you've brought me comfort as well. Mom (Phoebe) is 83 and has a 20+ years history of cancer. She's led a wonderful life despite her cancer, and she's nearing the end with the same grace, faith, and dignity she's always shown the world. As I've come to "know" you through your posts, I've brought you all into my thoughts and prayers. I'd be most appreciative if you strong and beautiful women would do the same for my mom. God bless.

  • hollyann
    hollyann Member Posts: 2,992
    edited January 2008

    Friendle,  We would be happy to include your mother in our prayers.  And you as well.  Good luck to you and your wonderful mother. 

  • faithandfifty
    faithandfifty Member Posts: 10,007
    edited January 2008

    Dear friend & mommy..... welcome to the boards..... thank you for posting your thoughts and reactions to the stream unfurling here on behalf of our beloved Regina. Now that we know of your mom's health we can add her to our prayers.

    It is uplifing to hear of her long-term, successful and spirit filled life.

    What a treasure for you. What an example for us.

    The sentiments expressed here by so many, are indeed an uplift for all who are able to read along.

    Regina..... love & prayers.

  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited February 2008

    This was spam...

  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited February 2008

    This was spam...

  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited January 2008

    Sending you peace, love and prayers!  Thinking of you, regina.

    Hugs,

    Beth (Aus)

  • dash
    dash Member Posts: 766
    edited January 2008

    Dear Regina,

    I lost one of my dearest friends from a rare gallbladder cancer recently. It was a very agressive type of cancer and she wasn't given any hope from the start of her short journey. We had known each other about 10 years prior to either of us getting cancer and we enjoyed going on long beach walks together. In recent months, we had talked about death several times as 2 friends might who each have cancer. Our conversations included our fear of pain and pity from our loved ones. Our last walk together was one I'll never forget and I really treasure the memory. A month later she called in hospice and was hooked up to a morphine pump because she was in pain. I saw her soon after hospice came in and she was eating and comfortable, sitting in her lounge chair, out of pain. A week later, still in her lounge chair, not eating but comfortable enough to have a lot of visitors and show off pics of her grandchildren(she was decades older than me but we were sisters at heart) The week after, she was in a hospital bed in her livingroom, asked me if I had seen the most recent pictures, told me it made her sad that she couldn't read her bible as the morphine affected her already poor eyesight but otherwise she was very peaceful and she said she had no pain. A few days later, she was very tired but she would open her eyes every few minutes to search me out and give me a beautiful, it's-ok kind of smile. I never saw such peace and it gave me great comfort and I just loved her all the more. I told her hospice worker about one of our beach walks when someone handed me a fresh caught flounder which Jeanne and I thought was dead and how, when I felt its heart beating, I ran into the ocean to let it go free. The hospice worker laughed and said--oh, you're the one who did that--she always talks about you. I guess my friend spent some of her last days thinking and speaking of happy memories. That was such a comfort to know. The next week, her daughter stayed home from work and didn't allow visitors. My friend was gone a few days after that.  I'll always remember her wisdom, strong faith and strength and the peace and love of her last days.

    Hugs and hopeful prayers for you! 

  • lbmt
    lbmt Member Posts: 80
    edited January 2008

    regina,

     your faith,,will hold you up,,

    i worked in hospice for years,and those who had a strong faith

    just slipped away peacefully,,they will give you morphine as the

    time goes on,,it will make you sleep alot, and help you with the

    pain,and keep you comfortable, and let your family stay there in

    prayer with you,,then you will be in Jesus arms,

    may the Lord bring you much comfort, and guide you,,

    hugs, and prayers,,lbmt

  • slonedeb
    slonedeb Member Posts: 562
    edited February 2008

    my dear regina know you are loved here and you have sisters here i to am approaching the end of my fight  and these storys have realy helped me alot thanks to all you dear women faith its good to see you i havent been in chat for a while dear friend i miss talking to you and kbug i hope you best regina on your journey and some where along the way we will meet in that place they call heaven i hope i have made peace with god so i can join all our dear sisters there  i love all of you  debslone from ky

  • faithandfifty
    faithandfifty Member Posts: 10,007
    edited January 2008

    Regina and slonedeb and each and everyone contributing to this thread with encouragement: thank you.

    Last week I found a short new thought that has brought me much comfort and support.

    "Other people feel this." It's a suggested 'meditation' from Pema Chodron. Realizing that we are not alone, that other people feel these same feelings and emotions has been like watching a large life raft being inflated before my eyes.

    Regina: you are not alone. Other people feel this. We're so glad that you've reached out by opening this thread. So many have benefitted by the shared knowledge and experience here.

    slonedeb: i always have you in my prayers.... for strength, for courage, for understanding. blessings to you my friend.

  • dreamwriter
    dreamwriter Member Posts: 3,255
    edited February 2008

    Hi my name is Regina but call me dreamwriter as there already is another Regina on this thread.  I am in Canada.  Fortunately there are lots of things available to me, including hospice and palliative doctors, nurses and therapists.  I am stable right now, so I do not know how long my life will be from here.  I am at the space where I realize that work had taken over my life and now that I am not working, I lack that drive and miss the activity.  I am looking for things I can do (I have lymphedema in my good hand) .  I am Stage 4, so I do know that death will come - just not when.  I have bone mets and they are treated with drugs.  What do I do now?  How do I fill my time until I am bedridden?  I do not dread death.  They have told me that it may be gentle - like drifting off to sleep or sudden with a heart attack.  But it will be in the nearish future.

    dreamwriter

  • faithandfifty
    faithandfifty Member Posts: 10,007
    edited February 2008

    dreamwriter/regina II,

    write down quotations that have brought you comfort, books that have been insightful, recipes that are tasty........ start writing a book for those of us who will follow you.

    teach us. show us the road.

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