I Can't Breathe

Anonymous · January 2008

I Can't Breathe

Anonymous · January 2008

The past few days have been so very difficult for me. I have been crying and I'm so very ANGRY. I have been yelling at Stacey for the past few days and I am so DAMN MAD that she is not here with me.

I can't seem to get past this. I can't tell you how much I miss her and all the times that we spent together has been weighing on me like a ton of bricks.

I check my f**ken email every morning in hopes that this is all a bad dream and her name will appear in my inbox just as it has for the past 5 years but but then I open my email and I am so heartbroken because her name isn't there. I have been avoiding her mother because it hurts too much. Every time she calls I just let it go to voice mail because I don't want her to hear me cry.

I long to talk to her and every breath I take hurts so much. I feeel like one giant tear. How do I do this????? How can I possibly let her go.

nosurrender · January 2008

Pepper, I am so sorry you are hurting so badly.

I think the first year after we lose someone so close to us is the hardest because it is the year of "firsts"- first birthday without them, first holiday without them.... you just had your first Christmas without Stacey and holidays are rough even if you haven't suffered such a loss.

I lost my dear friend Fran to bc on October 12, 2006. There are STILL TIMES I pick up the phone to call her and tell her about something.

I wish there was something I could say or do for you to help ease your pain. This is so hard and so incredibly unfair. I can understand it being hard to talk to her mom because you were so strong for her but who was strong for you and helped you through that time?

Is there someone you can talk to? Maybe a grief counselor? You have my email address and if you EVER want to talk to me I am here for you. I understand how you are feeling, I wish I could hug you right now.

You were such an incredible friend to Stacey- she lives on in your heart forever.

Love,

g

LisaSDCA · January 2008

Does it help at all to know that I know that feeling? That belief, bone-deep, that this cannot have happened? That tightness in the throat, that pain behind the eyes that just doesn't go away. The injustice, the loss.

I had to believe she was still there, I just couldn't talk to her. After a while she began appearing in my dreams. She is always healthy in my dreams. They are a small blessing.

It's okay to let her momma hear you cry. Her mom may be the only other person who will understand your anger at this senseless loss.

I cry with you.

Lisa

Little-G · January 2008

pepper,

My sister past away 2 years ago. I can feel the pain you're going thru and I understand where its coming from. My niece avoided talking to my mom after my sister died, also, because she couldn't bear the pain. But I think the pain just got worse for both of them because of that. I think Lisa's advise is good. Talk to her mom. It's OK for you to cry and miss her. I bet somewhere in that conversation you will also talk about what made her such a great woman, and I bet it will bring a smile to both your faces. Her mom is probably feeling an enormous amount of pain too. How good would it be to talk to someone who loved her like you did? And share a happy memory! I am so sorry for your loss and what you're going thru. I wish I could give you a great big hug.

g

NoH8 · January 2008

At this point you've put yourself in the "one down" position in any relationship you might have left with her and that usually doesn't turn out very well. You have given her so much power over you and what you can't change. It sucks to lose someone who hasn't been there the way you thought she would be. It hurts so much and most of us have probably been there in some way or another. I've been the email watcher, the one waiting for the phone ring and it's not a good place to be. It also played a number on my self esteem.

Even though you miss her, this is HER LOSS in the long run. You can try to move past this hurt by changing your thinking. Rather than hoping and expecting an email, tell yourself, that you know she isn't going to have sent you something. When you get to the point where you're not waiting for that email, you won't feel as continually hurt every time you log on-- like allowing a scab to form and heal rather than peeling it off every day. Even if you don't want to let go of the hope, you're better off because if she does email it will be a pleasant surprise.

I can totally understand the anger and you have every right to feel it. If you can turn some of that anger around and "reframe" your thinking (look at it in a different light) maybe part of that anger is that she is not the person you thought she was or need. Unfortunately, people aren't necessarily what we want or need just because that's our desire (been there done that). When I look at a relationship with this one woman I used to be close to, if I'm really really honest with myself, I was asking too much from her. I asked for what I needed from her (emotionally) rather than what she could give me. In the end I was pissed off at her failings and glad to no longer be friends, so this was different than your situation, but looking back on the anger it was mostly about my expectations that she could be want I wanted her to-- not her lack of ability to do so.

Hope this helps a little.

Anonymous · January 2008

PRA ... Stacey didn't move away, she passed away. Otherwise that was good advice.

NoH8 · January 2008

OMG-- I am so sorry-- I thought Stacey was a friend who turned away from her after cancer-- I must have been confusing her with someone else. I am sooooooo sorry.

shokk · January 2008

Pepper do you think this is the way Stacey would want you to be living your life now??????? I remember Stacey from when I first came to the boards......old post from her and pictures from the walk in CA (?)...........I know ya'll were the best of friends and still are...........you sound like you have guilt survival syndrome.........its natural to morn the lost of your best friend........there does come a point to honor her you must start living again.........maybe it would help you if you did some things in Stacey's name..........something she loved or was important to her............raising money for bc research for her particular type of bc or raising money or dedicated some time to improve a favorite park or place ya'll both loved..........Pepper I don't think Stacey would want you to be frozen in time not able to move on from losing her.............she loved life too much..............and she loved you too...........she would want you to live not only your life but finish living life for her as well.....................Shokk

AnneW · January 2008

Pepper, dear one, you are grieving the loss of your best friend. Your sister. There is no timetable on grief.

Stacey's mom is exactly who you need right now. And I'm sure she needs you, too. If you can't handle a phone call, maybe you should see her in person. And hug her tight.

In the meantime, consider grief counseling. You're not only missing Stacey, you're dealing (underneath it all) with your own cancer issues. Live, Pepper. For Stacey. For us. But mostly, for YOU.

Thanks for sharing this pain with us. We are soooo here for you!

Hugs and more,

Anne

djd · January 2008

Pepper - I think you should call Stacey's mom and express your grief. She wants to talk to you because it will help her remember how important Stacey was to you and so many others. It will do wonders for both of you, I bet.

hugs,

Anonymous · January 2008

I have no advice except that I agree with the other ladies. I think Stacey's mom NEEDS to talk to you. I think you would also benefit from talking to her. I think crying TOGETHER would help heal the huge wound that you are carrying. Just try talking to her.

I wish there was something we could do to take away your hurt. All we can do is pray for you and "give" you {{{{{{{{big hugs.}}}}}}}}

Shirley

Anonymous · January 2008

Pepper girl, I'm so sorry for your unrelenting pain. You really have endured more than anyone should have to in these past few years and, especially, lately. Keep venting here, but if you think it might help, try to see a counselor who specializes in grief. It could help to get an "unbiased" perspective.

Love ya, girl.....hang in there.

~Marin

lexi4 · January 2008

Pepper,

I am sorry for your sadness. I don't know exactly what you are going through. I do like what Shokk said. Live like Stacey would want you to. Be happy and silly. I also think speaking w/ Stacey's mom would be a good idea. It would make Stacey happy I am sure.

Please know that I am thinking of you and wish I was there to hold you as you cry. It will get better Pepper. Hold on.

Lexi

denisa · January 2008

it must be very difficult for you, as someone close. i hope you can find some peace with this.

((( ))) a hug

Anonymous · January 2008

Pepper - I'm so sorry...I hope someday soon, you will reach a point where you will find comfort in your memories.

KariLynn · January 2008

Pepper, sending a hug and a prayer that you can move to a place of acceptance and peace.

Kari

junie · January 2008

Dear Pepper--you're having to deal with too many griefs just now. You need a little more "thyme" !! If you can't talk to Stacey's mom on the phone, send her a "Thinking about you card" and write to her that you are still grieving deeply.....she will understand. I lost a dear friend to bc several years ago--I could only keep in touch with her mom by writing to her. It worked for me and she didn't feel like I was ignoring her. Big hugggssssss to you!

junie

DebbieB · January 2008

Pepper,

I never had the pleasure of meeting Stacey in person but I too feel the loss. She was always the first to offer support. I keep waiting to see a post from "Sunshine" telling yet another person that a dx of bc was not a death sentence! And yet it was just that for her. It's not fair but then nothing about this damn disease is. It is so hard to understand why some people survive and others don't. It just doesn't make sense.

Maybe you could post a picture of Stacey and some of your favorite memories of her under the remembrance section.

Pepper, I just hope that your grief is quickly replaced with peace and the happy memories that you share of Stacey.

Debbie

maryannecb · January 2008

Lots of great advice here Pepper.Stacey 's friendship meant so much to you. I am sorry for your continued sense of loss. I do hope that at some point you can find a way to speak with her memory.

I lost a great friend to BC at age 35, she had battled for 6 years. When I was diagnosed three years ago, I so missed her as I knew she would have helped me. But I still remember her courage and zest for life and have tried to emulate that. I that way she is still with me as a guide.

Fists up!

Mary-Anne

Anonymous · January 2008

I want to thank all of you for the support that you've given me. I have been seeing a Grief Therapist since the lost of my granddaughter two years ago.

I wish I could say that it's helped but it hasn't and I'm trying to make the best of this situation.

I've been crying for weeks on end now and my heart aches so much. I'm barely hanging on right now. All of the losses that I've had this past year has just now hit me - like a GIANT slap in the face..

Your words of encouragement keep me going!

TheShopMama · January 2008

My dear Pepper,

How my heart echoes your sentiments! I lost my mother in 2005 and my 19 year old son in 2006. Sometimes the pain consumes us.

I had to see a doctor and take antidepressants. Something I didn't want to do, but that i found was helpful in my situation. I don't have any words to console you although I wish I did. But I hope it helps to know that I do feel like I understand. And I am here for you if you want someone to talk with. Pam

AnneW · January 2008

Hang on, Pepper. Slap back. Journal like mad, perhaps. It could be cathartic.

Are you on an antidepressant? If not, consider it for a while. Sounds like you've got a major depression going. You've been through so incredibly much over the past years, it would be a wonder if your brain chemistry was normal!

Don't let go of life, Pepper. You have a place in it. I know things appear dark, but your soul is actually a shining light.

Love and hugs,

Anne

Anonymous · January 2008

I'm going to call Stacey's mother tonight. I can't avoid her for the rest of my life and maybe, just maybe, hearing her voice (which sounds so much like Stacey's) will give me some peace.

Anonymous · January 2008

Good for you, Pepper! And I just bet that you will make her day. Smile

Shirley

Mizsissy · January 2008

Pepper,

I saw your post and I just don't know what to say. I've been there; I know how awful it is to lose someone is so much a part of you, so much part of your LIFE that you don't know how to go on. But you can, and you never have to give Stacey up. She is always a part of you.

Try to speak to her...she may answer and she may not. If she doesn't answer it's because she's moved on, but she's waiting for you, when it's your turn. That means she's now at peace. She may come to you in a dream. But if she's at peace, then you can be at peace too. You can move on until it is time.

Take care and be strong.

Mizsissy

iodine · January 2008

so glad you are going to call her mom.

Anonymous · January 2008

I couldn't do it. I was going to call last night and I chicken'd out. What the hell is wrong with me????

73gr · January 2008

Pepper, just call her mother... maybe she needs to hear you!!!! don't be affraid to express your feelings and cry.... it could be makes you feel better by expressing your grief to her mother... maybe she needs it too.... maybe she needs you too....

here in greece, on the funerals... OMG it's like an ancient greek tragedy.... people crying and breaking their clothes and hairs, condemning mr. cancer that took their beloved one away.... but they express their feelings... their anger.... and that makes them, maybe.... feel better.... Call her mother... she needs you...and you need her.... my prayers and positive thoughts are with you

DebbieB · January 2008

Pepper,

You have been in my thoughts and I do understand how you feel because I just lost one of my best friends last month. It is tough and it feels like a part of you is lost with them forever.

But....think about this...you knew Stacey better than the rest of us ....what would she want you to do? Would she want you to stay in contact with her mother? I do know she would not want you to be in this much pain. There is no doubt in my mind that Stacey is in heaven now looking down on us. Wouldn't she want you to remember the great times you shared? I think she would be trying to throw snowballs or something at you to cheer you up! Just think about what Stacey would be saying to you at this moment!

You are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope the pain in your heart is quickly replaced with peace and happy memories!

Hugs, Debbie

Anonymous · January 2008

I don't know what else to say, Pepper, except the gals here are right. Think of this...you're not calling Stacey's mom for YOU, but you are calling her for HER. She obviously wants to hear from you or she would not call. And think about what's going on in her mind...why hasn't Pepper called me? Don't do this for yourself. Do it for Stacey's mom AND Stacey.

I know it must be hard for you to do, but you CAN do it.

Hugs,

Shirley

I Can't Breathe

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