Still working on acceptance

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Luckysmom
Luckysmom Member Posts: 49
edited June 2014 in Life After Breast Cancer
Still working on acceptance
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  • Luckysmom
    Luckysmom Member Posts: 49
    edited December 2007

    I have not been on for awhile; I am realizing that there is a part of me that is still in denial over the whole bc ordeal of 2006 and when things pop up, I feel that same overwheming fear that I had back when I was first diagnosed. My treatments ended in November 2006 and so far, so good. My mammos have been clear; I joined weight watchers to lose the weight I gained back when my tastebuds returned post chemo; I'm back in the swing of life. But every so often something hits me out of left field. Today I went to get a haircut and the hairdresser kept harping on the fact that my hair is so thin (it used to be quite thick and curly before it all fell out!). I left there feeling very upset and it was much deeper than simply the fact that she had horrible customer service skills.

    Is anyone else feeling like this? Is this making any sense to you? Thanks!

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited December 2007

    Brigitte....To be smacked in the face with one's own mortality so abruptly and unexpectedly while we're busy having a fairly carefree life is bound to have severe reverberations for a long time afterwards. It's a feeling we never knew...that feeling we first experienced when we heard those chilling words...."You have cancer" and it's unrealistic to expect yourself to be able to quickly forget the terror those words brought. So little flashes of this and that remind us, over & over. And things like thinning hair just seem so damn unfair.....because they are.

    You make absolute and total sense to me....and probably to every woman here who reads your words. Hang in there. I'm told that the fear and anger diminish after a time.

    ~Marin

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  • mke
    mke Member Posts: 584
    edited December 2007

    It's hard to accept that we aren't all we once were.

    BUT when we do it is powerful.  I say what I am and why I am that way.  I can't wear fancy shoes anymore, my feet are like a couple lumps of sensetive clay.  My hair is now a force of nature, my boss calls it the office chia pet and I laugh - what else can I do - she's right.

    Your hairdresser deserves a good bitchslapping, and you deserve a new hairdresser.  To be fair, most don't know how to deal with post chemo hair - find one that does. 

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  • Luckysmom
    Luckysmom Member Posts: 49
    edited December 2007

    Thank you for understanding. It's comforting to know that I'm not alone with these feelings; this board has been wonderful through my entire journey because I always find the compassion and empathy that I need.

    Something I realized the more I thought about this is that I still think of myself as a cancer victim, rather than a cancer survivor. The best thing, I think, is for me to start reaching out to help other women who are dealing with breast cancer.

    Every time I visit my oncologist, I pass by the chemo center where I had my treatment. So far, I have avoided it because of the memories of the experience. Maybe it's time to stop avoiding and instead reach out and offer to sit with other women during their chemo treatments or whatever else might help someone who is facing what I've been through. As the new year approaches, it's a time for reflecting as well as setting goals for moving forward. We'll see; I will keep you posted.

    Another thing I'd like to do is get back on these boards and help other newbies to this experience; I remember how devastated and confused I was, and this board helped me immensely.

    Thank you again.

    Brigitte

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  • iodine
    iodine Member Posts: 4,289
    edited December 2007

    Boy, do we know where you're comming from.  I'm 5 years out and doing great now that I can walk and don't feel 97.

    But----last year I **again** tried to find a bra.  All my previous efforts had been worthless, even at $89, but I tried again after 2 years of wearing a leisure bra, it was the only one that "fit'.

    I left, got in the car and cried. 

    Haven't done that in a while.  It Does get better.  I relate it to mourning the loss of a loved one---the Me who was innocent and thought she'd live forever. 

    I did that for years after my Mom died.,  go fine until something set me off, and I'd cry.  Not often, and not as painful as it was in the beginning, but still---

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  • Hopeful5
    Hopeful5 Member Posts: 1
    edited December 2007

    Hey everyone,

    You guys have really helped me.  My feelings are too much to even try to key into this page.  I have been sooo confused.  My husband isn't feeling me, imagination runs crazy....my prayer is God please help my attitude before its too late.  Attitude is everything!! I have been trying to stay positive.  I am almost 4 years out from a DCIS diagnosis.  I stopped taking Tamoxifen last year, because it was affecting my ovaries and uterine wall.  Doc advised that I start taking it again.  Concerned.  Considering reconstruction.  Had my right breast removed...but thinking about getting the other removed and and both reconstructed.  Just bought a house...determined to not let the disease, fear, and uncertainty stop me in my dreams and goals.  No longer a renter, now a homeowner, but oddly it doesn't matter to me now.  My health matters.  Things don't matter.  My priorities have definitely changed.  My husband is going through mid-life crisis.  Money and money making ideas are always on his mind. I guess that is how he is coping with my illness.  I have been ok, thank God, feeling kind of out of sorts, taking Xanax for anxiety.  When I run out of that I take my son's left over pain meds.  I really don't want to be doing this.  I need to be calmer.  When will I be calm again? 

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited December 2007

    Lucky's mom .... I had a lady ask me last year why I cut my hair so short?!!  HELLO?!  #1, how did she know if I liked it or not?!  #2, why would someone ask that?  Or my dad last year commented on my waistline! Finally, I let him have not so politely that with the chemo, the ongoing herceptin treatment, the joint pain, the hormonal treatment that my daughter was lucky to have a fat mom instead of a dead mom. He has never commented on my weight again.  I don't accept this weight, though, and it's hard because I am trying to shed the 20lbs and get back into my jeans but I, too, realize that it may not happen.

    So, I now shop at Lane Bryant, where they tried to tell me that nothing would fit.  Mostly, they were right, too short pants that were too big around the butt and waist. Cannot find a top at all.  BUT they have a new thing called FIT RIGHT pants and I am a RED, size ONE!! I love my new pants. I feel like the old me instead of trying to find one that sort of fits and wearing a belt or buying elastic banded pants!

    My daughter matters more than ever and so does time spent with her. I really have a good time more than ever now. The only time I get melancholy is when I think that my time with her will be cut short and I won't be there to see her grow up into the wonderful woman I see behind her eyes.

    I don't see work as the place to be, never did. I really would love to find a small little house, part time job and be a mommy full time. But then, how would I send her to college? Or heaven forbid: live for 40 more years!!!  LOL Tongue out

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  • TenderIsOurMight
    TenderIsOurMight Member Posts: 4,493
    edited March 2008



    Hopeful 5,



    We hear you, and you're right on target. Attitude matters, priorities change, men often work harder to channel their frustration, fear lingers...



    Welcome to this board, I noticed it's your first post here. I'm glad you have found common words, thoughts and actions as this is so needed in the sister and brotherhood of breast cancer.



    Congratulations on making it through treatment, thinking of what you want re, reconstruction or prophylactic etc....I had both, spread out over many years. It takes time, one learns patience more from it being imposed on you than by wish.



    Anyways, come back and post some more. We'd love to hear from you.



    Luckysmom,



    On this New Year's Eve, I must admit, you're on my mind. I posted elsewhere to you, as your fighting spirit is clear and I feel this will take you that extra mile. Please know how very much I will pray daily that your treatment gives you excellent results with the guiding hands of your doctors.



    Tender

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  • logical
    logical Member Posts: 10
    edited January 2008

    Hi all,

    I finished my treatment in October 2006 and I'm still struggling to accept this so it helps to know others feel the same way.  I usually put up a good front.  Actually I found this board soon after treatment and I've lurked for a while.  My husband thinks it's bad for me to read here but I get so much from hearing from others going through the same thing. 

    I have my hair back but oh boy have I put on weight.  And I have a mammogram next week.  Not looking forward to it. What if! What if!

    This year, I must work on my attitude.

    logical

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  • iodine
    iodine Member Posts: 4,289
    edited January 2008

    My dh used to make remarks about me staying on the boards and I even waited till he went to bed to come here.

    I finally stood up for me and decided I was comming here for ME, not for him and he could stuff it.  No more guilt trips.

    They just don't get it and mine thought that I was just wallowing in "cancer land" and not moving beyond. 

    As I've said before, very little volunteer work is avaible around here and I feel i do mine on the boards--besides learning a lot and feeling supported too.

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  • Bliz
    Bliz Member Posts: 507
    edited January 2008

    Acceptance has been very hard for me too.  I was diagnosed June 2007.  I too, thought I would live forever and must have taken a lot of smug satisfaction in my previously excellent health.  Well, that came crashing down. 

    It is an adjustment for sure.  Praying for acceptance can help, even though I am not a traditional religious type. 

    Some days it just seems a shame to waste any more time being stressed or freaked out about it.  Keeping moving really seems to help also. Giving less time to dwell. 

    And there seem to be some good benefits like getting our priorities straight and not wasting any more time denying our own needs and importance in life.

    Stage1/Grade1/no nodes/Er+/Her-/.9mm/lupect/5 day rads/IDC

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited January 2008

    BLIZ, I think I thought if I didn't live to be 80 something, I'd die in a car crash or something ....  I didn't think cancer.  Yes, I was shocked that my life became my primary issue so early in life.  Now that it's happened, I still get scared (alot) but life is now primary issue ... sometimes the if I live, but now it's mostly HOW I live.

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  • Bliz
    Bliz Member Posts: 507
    edited January 2008

    I ended up "wasting" about 10 days of my annual vacation/"sabbatical", dealing with the emotional issues of BC.  I guess I never had time to really let it soak in.  Plus, I didnt tell a lot of people up north because of my insurance issues.

    It has been great to be away from the docs and hospital atmosphere.  Part of me wants to never go back to that environment, even for a check up.  It all seems so negative and stressful, even though I like all my docs.

    I am still debating natural treatments since I have had no luck with arimidex or femera.

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