Jan 2008--Ain't it Great?

OK, so I got as far as the shower...and poem formed as I gazed upon my body in the mirror, so I had to honor its existence.





1/2/08



Ode to My Body



The dictionary states

the whole

is the sum of ALL of its

p a r t s.

I do not think I should be able to argue with that,

for that is true,

isn’t it?

However,

I want to argue!

Does that hold true for humans,

more specifically

for me?

If parts are removed, then

does it follow,

I am not whole?



Others have argued

the whole

is GREATER than

the sum of its

p a r t s,

and as I look at myself…

my physical vessel…

newly battle scarred

and looking

nothing

like its former self did

just twenty-eight days ago,

I want to kiss whomever said that,

for I wholeheartedly agree.



Two…

horizontal scars

run across each mound

of discolored flesh from underarm to sternum.

Signs of previous biopsies,

and each suture still visible,

yet, not there, dissolved,

are stretched tightly over

expanders,

that have yet to reach

their potential glory,

meant to begin the reconstruction

of my formally lethal breasts.



Beneath each mound,

close to the rib cage,

and off slightly to the side,

though not exactly in the same spot,

(symmetry isn’t the goal)

lie small scars still struggling to heal,

where long tubes once

drained lymph and other fluids

needing to escape the trauma.



Just above where my right shoulder,

if moved forward

would crease,

is a thin diagonal incision,

where a port has been placed,

threaded into my blood stream,

easily felt

round and hard

just beneath the skin.



A port…

an interesting term,

for it denotes safety in a storm,

but I fear my storm has yet to begin...

its formation is lurking

in a ferocious mix of chemicals

to be fed into the mouth of this port

sending a man-made tornado into my body.



No,

my body looks

nothing

like it used to

just twenty-eight days ago,

and I rejoice in its abtract art-like visage,

and in its resilience,

for I now see

how much GREATER

I am

than the sum

of my parts.



Here's to all of you...battle scarred warrior princesses...

Your SIS (Sister In Survival)

Kimberly

Hi Ladies,

Lj13  Thank you for the warning on honey I will ask tomorrow. I got my picc line today, my arm is sore pain meds are wearing off. I got my script filled for Emend and Decodron. They want me to start it tomorrow. I will have my first chemo treatment tomorrow. I did find out we should not take vitamen B17, it's not a recognized vitamen. I don't think I ever taken that one. It's harmful to you when you are on chemo. Good wishes to everyone starting chemo this week, I'll also get the Aloxi for nausea too. Hope everyone is feeling well.

Take care SheShe

Hi Girls!  Hope everyone that started chemo today is doing OK.  I had a very busy day.  PT/OT said I am doing great after my exchange Dec. 14 and gave me the boot!  That's progress.  Saw my dentist to get cleaned before I start chemo, no problems as of now.  Saw my therapist-- she loves the name of our group and said this is a great idea.  We already knew that though, huh?  Then I went bra shopping (I've been wearing bra-shelf camisoles since my mastectomy in October, the PS gave me the go-ahead at my post-exchange visit to wear bras again)!  So much fun after all this nasty cancer stuff.  And the "girls" look great!  I went to Victoria's Secret and was pleasantly surprised to find I finally for the first time in my life fill out a cup!  Yay!  I used to be an almost A, now, thanks to PS, I can wear a 36-38B or 36C, depending on the style-- I of course bought the Cs!  So when anyone goes shopping after reconstruction... the VS Ipex series work great for implants.  I got 2 other types at VS also but can't remember the names.  I'll look and post later if anyone will be shopping, or just remind me when you do.  Anyway, it was a great time and very "uplifting"-- hahaha!!  I know you guys probably could care less about my boob size, but.. who else would appreciate this stuff???

I gotta run.  Back to work tomorrow after the holidays.  Just for 6 days, then I'm off again.  Myabe we should make a list of who's doing what type of chemo and when they start/started?  I know, I'm so Type A!  But I'm having a hard time remembering and I don't want to forget anyone.  See ya all tomoroow JJs!

Hello fellow Jewels,

Vettegal, you scared the holy living "..it" out of me, I havn't refered to my negative nodes as positive.  Once I continued reading I was utterly relieved.  I'm estatic for you and your dh.  Good things are definitely worth waiting for!!!!   Did I read that you went back to work today too?  Your a tough cookie, I just made it back to work today and feel it in the arm pit tonight.  I think my shirt under the sweatshirt is too form fitting and rubs on the inner arm. 

I signed up today for my cocktail of choice, CMF x 6 mo.  To celebrate I'm having a glass of wine tonight.  Figure I'll have a nipper or two until the weekend, then I'll be in purification mode!!! 

Kimberly, you cease to amaze me!

KathyL - I like the idea of a posting list, I too am getting all screwed up looking at the various threads.

Anyone not liking the poking feeling with the port, I havn't used it yet but got a prescription for Emela cream, I guess you put it on about an hour before infusion time for some numbing action.  Hope it works, I'm such a wimp.

So glad to hear from those of you that are feeling atleast a little better as time goes on.  They'll be a few more of us on that ride soon,

Carol

Golfer--My heart sunk too when I read Vettegal's post about her nodes!  I had to read on to realize like you did that she meant her nodes were clear.  Thank goodness.

Dana: Hi.  So sorry to hear about the start of your journey and the fact that you've joined the sisterhood of BC.  I highly doubt that at stage 3 with positive nodes you will escape doing chemo-- sorry.  But I KNOW things are different since your brother did it, so it should not be the same experience.  And I'll bet that BC drugs are not the same as lung cancer drugs.  This website is a great support, so you should continue to check it out, read info you find here, and ask questions.  If you happen to start chemo in January, keep coming to this group-- if I have to say it (modestly) I think we are a great group and are so supportive to everyone-- you'll get through this is you have to unfortunately join the Jan. chemo group.

Vettegal ~ Yippeeee for you! I'm so glad you got some great news!

Kimberly ~ You read my mind - and you put it so eloquently!

D1 ~ how are you doing??

Well, I have a little over an hour before I leave for my first chemo treatment (CAF). I'm not too concerned about the actual act of getting the chemo -- it's wondering what side effects will follow that is making me crazy!! My dh and son went to Walgreens last night and stocked up on everything I've written down from reading all of your posts - Smart Mouth, Colace, etc.....  I think I'm ready for whatever comes, but it's still unnerving not knowing!

I hope you all have a great day! I'll check in later and let you know how things are going.

Julie

OK, maybe over the weekend I'll try to make a list of all our names, when we start/started chemo and what we're each doing for how long.  So if everyone could just do a roll call for me, I'll start taking notes!

D1, I'd take on half your pain from the Neulasta if you'd take some of my inappetance ... what do you say? Really hon, I'd take it on for nothing if we could barter with pain credits. I can't believe it hasn't bothered me.

Camazur, you said "I am so overwhelmed right now. And scared. This is becoming too real for me. I think I'm still in denial.
You all sound so brave. I am such a chicken"

I feel overwhelmed too. I get through the days just by placing one foot in front of the other, writing down everything I have to do, because I'll forget stuff if I don't. Scared is right there all the time, on my left shoulder. It gets most real the day of treatment, and I took the nurse's suggestion to pound an Ativan down about an hour before the appointment. There's no need to be pioneer women about this, get your pharmaceuticals filled, have them ready to go. They're your weapons to fight this monster within. Sure, the chemo is your main machine gun. But you also have a  pistol, a knife, and other survival tools in the fight: these are the antianxiety drugs, the antiemitics, antinausea drugs, etc. There are ladies out there that delay and delay their chemo from the fear. There are those who seek out wacky alternative treatments because of fear. I think each of us posting here feels the fear, the unknown ... but courage isn't what you feel or don't feel, it's what you do or don't do. So take that next step, pop that pill, it's a new day of battle and we must use the weapons we have to fight the battles !

And I'm still in denial too. I still keep thinking, "This is *not* supposed to be happening to me." I'm thinking there was some real beech with a name like mine and the universe made a terrible error mixing me up with her. It's the only explanation that makes any sense 

Be strong, and if you can't, then stop by here and whine a bit. It's helpful.

LJ13

First day back at work, not so bad. Flat tire on the car this morning, 16deg. F outside. Grrrrrr. Could someone please cut me a break! 

Donna, enjoy today and tomorrow. They should go ok for you.

Good Afternoon Jewels-

Vettagal- What a great story about the older lady...a message from the universe to you that all will be well. Again, I am sooo happy for you and your negative nodes.



Kathy, I just got my first chemotini date...finally...1/8/08, TAC 6 rounds 1 every three weeks...then I'll start radiation...not sure when yet...daily for 4-6 weeks. I also get the Decadron for three days during each cycle and a Neulestra shot the day after each cycle. Thanks for doing this list.



AZDonna, getting through that first chemo must be a relief. Take it easy and know we are here for you.

Julie...how did it go today?



LJ13-I'm glad to hear you are doing so well...there's hope for those of us who haven't had the dreaded N-shot...



and dear D1 OLE- Whine, bitch, scream, and swear all you want. I cannot believe what you've been through in the last few days...OMG...I'd be dropping swear words myself. Do you think the N-shot caused the spasms? I can't believe your oncologist's nurse didn't just go to another oncologist in the office and explain the situation...or call your regular physician for you to get a script... Of course that is easy to say when you don't know all the rules and politics of a situation isn't it? And I made you cry...like you needed that...GEEZ. I hope you get relief sooner rather than later.



Welcome Patti5.



Off to create chicken and dumplings as requested by my son...

SIS Kimberly

Hi Jewells,

I had my first chemo treatment today. I'm also very wiped out. Welcome to Maz and Pattie. I'm taking the AC too, so far the emend and decadron and they gave me Aloxi in my picc line. I'm not in as much pain today in my arm. Yesterday and last night it was worse. Picc line is working out fine for now. They flushed it today and changed my dressing. The only pain in the butt is that every thursday I have to go back and have the dressing changed and get  it flushed out. I have a really bad headache so far that's the worst of it. My schedule is: I get my neulasta shot tomorrow 1/4 my next chemo date 1/24 shot 1/25 2/14 shot 2/15 3/6 3/7

D1  Sorry about the muscle spams, I hope you are feeling better.

Kimberly  That's great you are a teacher, 21 years whoo hoo! my hat goes off to you. I'm so proud of my daughter for becoming a teacher.

Vattagal  glad you are feeling better.

KathyL  thanks for doing the calender. I'm too wiped out to read all the post right now. Can I ask a personal question? I was told today they give Neulasta in the arm or stomache. I was told it is less painful in the stomache. That sounds very ouchee to me! can someone tell me the best place to get the shot?  Thanks I appreciate it.

Hugs to all Sherry

Evening Jewels,

Boy my computer was smoking when I booted up ... there has been alot of activity since yesterday.

I'm kinda feeling left out with my txt plan which is different than you all seem to be having.  Not knowing what mine will really bring as far as se's, I'm feeling that anxious feeling like before surgery.  Even thought of taking a Lorazepam during the day today, opted not since I was driving to PT. 

D1 - I sure hope that your dh got that muscle relax. to you.  You have not had the best luck throughout this adventure thus far, you never cease to amaze me with your attitude, then again your our leader!!!   I hope you have an easier time of it real soon.  The "let it all out" vent is why we're all here. 

Kimberly, glad you have your game plan in tact.  Looks like you'll be starting a couple days before me.  I also noted that you have rads in the future.  I'll be bugging you again with more questions, as rads are in my future.

Vettegal, boy I re-read your node comment quite a few times hoping I wasn't missing something, I hope your still celebrating.  I see you changed your comment!  What a story to have on your day back to work.  Somebody is telling us all a little something.  I had a Physical Ther appt today.  She said to take it easy, I don't need to be pushing it too much.  She said that more extensive exercise/stretch will be pushed in about another 2/3 weeks.  She did do measurements of my arm, this way there is a baseline to check for any lymph... also I need stand/sit a little straighter.  Sounds like the mother figure!!!  I have been favoring the right side a little too much I guess.  Do you have any sensitivity to clothing down the inner arm?   I find that I'm most comfy at night when I can go to bed naked up top.

KathyL, roll call, CMF 6/mo starting Jan 10th thank you for trying to list these.

Dana, I'm glad you have an appt with an oncologist this Friday.  Remember that second opinions in during this process are very common, do not feel funny in requesting one.  Good luck, we're here for you.

Hang in there gals, Carol

I think a calander would be great

I've been terrified of doing chemo and really didn't think I would initially. However, I've gotten some additional opinions and I'm finally convinced that with my triple neg disease, I'd be too worried about mets if I wasn't aggressive.

I had been concerned about the cardiotoxicity of most chemo drugs because of a family history of heart disease. But, I was finally able to convince my onco to let me try XT (capecitabine (Xeloda) + 4 x Taxol) I had really hoped to combine the Xeloda with Avastin to avoid hair loss, but apparantly it's not approved in an adjuvant setting . Xeloda supposedly doesn't cause hair loss but I've read different things about Taxol - one says there is usually complete hair loss and another says hair thinning can be expected. Anyone have any experience with just Taxol & hair loss?

My first treatment is scheduled for Jan 16th...12 weeks after my bilateral mast. I probably should have started this sooner but the fear was keeping me from moving forward. I know I'm lucky that it's only 3 months of treatment but I'm still so nervous and like everyone, I would love any suggestions about getting ready physically, diet wise and emotionally.

Thank you so much for being here.