moving beyond till the mail came

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BethNY
BethNY Member Posts: 2,710
edited June 2014 in Life After Breast Cancer

I've been posting in Moving Beyond for quite some time.

I have been in moving beyond mode for quite some time.  I'm 3.5 yrs out from dx, and I'm exactly where I think I should be.

My fear of recurrence is low.  Much lower than the first year out of treatment.  I don't have ill feelings during breast cancer awareness month.  When I help newbie's I don't "relive" the moments.  I know I've been there, done that, and I am empathetic and helpful to them, and it doesn't bring me back.

I have long hair, great breasts, and only see the onc every six months.  My life has moved beyond in every sense of the word.

I have the job I dreamed of, financial freedom, and a great guy to boot.

Then, I got the mail today.  About a year ago, I received word that the original breast surgeon that did my lumpectomy/snb who I hated was leaving for a different hospital, and I filled out forms to have the info in my chart sent to me.  I completely forgot about it.

A huge package arrives in the mail today, and I've been sitting here reading it all for the past hour.  It shouldn't affect me.  I don't know why some things are bothering me. 

Like after my lumpectomy, I tried to explain to my friends and family that my breast was now one size smaller than the other, and they didn't believe me, but now I read that she took out 10cm of tissue-- and why this is bothering me is ridiculous...as you all know I went on to have bilateral mastectomies so what does it even matter?

Then I was reading about my her2 FISH results... if you're her2+++ some of you may know that on the FISH test they will count the number to see how overexpressed it is-- and my thing says it was too numerous to count.  Why do I care?  I got herceptin.  I'm fine.

Maybe it's getting to me cause I'm a little PMSie.  Maybe cause my onc checkup is next week.

The only aside, is that halfway through this 60 page mess, I was reading so fast, and for a minute I read age 40, left breast, family history, and I was like-- whoa-- wait a minute... I got four pages of someone elses report... way to protect hippa laws and privacy-lol.

Anyway, I'm sorry for the long ridiculous rant.  Long ago I put away the cancer stuff.  The hats, scarves, blood counts, copies of reports, cards, its in a box that I couldn't even tell you where it is.

So, I should just throw this away, right?

I should throw it away, and by tomorrow I shouldn't even spend a minute of energy thinking about it, right?

here's the part where you chime in and say, Yes Beth.  Throw it out, and stop thinking about it.Foot in mouth

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  • abbadoodles
    abbadoodles Member Posts: 2,618
    edited December 2007

    Yes, Beth, throw out the whole lot of it, including your scarves, hats, etc.  Donate them.  None of that is doing you any good.  It won't jinx it if you throw it all out.  Don't be superstitious.  (Did I spell that right?)

    Get rid of the reports, too.  Look forward.  Re-visiting the past accomplishes nothing. 

    Was that enough of a pep-talk?  Now, get moving.

    Tina

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  • purplemb
    purplemb Member Posts: 1,542
    edited December 2007

    dear beth... the new normal will always have that little nagging pain... but as the mom of 3 I still worry that they are fed warm and driving home safe too... and the youngest is 22 { :) }.. so somethings never fully go away... you have done the best for you and have moved on.... great.... keep looking ahead...

    MB... ps I'll take any donations for my "cancer Closet" for those that can't afford... hugs

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited December 2007

    Well, Beth, of course the "sensible" thing is to throw out the whole effing mess. But where in the cancer experience do we learn how to respond sensibly? No where. It's always crazy-making and it sounds like this is no exception. As I read your description of receiving the package, I could feel myself reacting just as you did (and our treatment histories are very dissimilar!). Part of it, I think, is the feeling of major things having occured without your knowlege...feeling deceived, betrayed, kept in the dark or, better yet, stripped of your personal power in some way? And that feeling of being rendered powerless takes place at many junctures of the bc journey/process and it just feels very scary. The best thing that you can do for yourself right now, IMO, is to take any action that will allow you to feel empowered and in charge. If that means bronzing those records, so be it. If it means having a celebratory burning of them, I say go for it! It definitely is very much about MOVING BEYOND...and you can do that...once again!!!!

    Go for it, girl!

    ~Marin

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  • NoH8
    NoH8 Member Posts: 2,726
    edited December 2007

    I wouldn't throw it out Beth. You may need it one day or you may have a daughter who needs it one day, even if only to understand more about your health and her health (sorry if you're not planning to or can't have kids). You may want to write a book one day. If you don't want to keep it, can you have your doctor add it to her/his files?

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  • snowyday
    snowyday Member Posts: 1,478
    edited December 2007

    My concern would be you received four pages of someone else's information, did someone receive yours.  I would contact who ever sent this pile to you and ask some questions.  But your in remission and be happy, enjoy it pack it away somewhere and leave it be. But the four pages that aren't yours, who do they belong to  and why did you get them.

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  • althea
    althea Member Posts: 1,595
    edited December 2007

    I think it's completely normal for the magnitude of our treatments to hit us while we're not expecting it.  You especially are so young to have a history of this horrible disease.  Yet, you prevailed with flying colors.  It should take one's breath away to see what it takes to conquer the beast. 

    You will prevail over this difficult moment the same way you prevailed in the past.  I think this is true regardless of whether you keep the records or not.  I have mixed feelings about that one.  On one hand, it took a year for this set to show up.  If you ever needed them in the future, you already have a copy.  On the other hand, is keeping these records you find so upsetting a bad thing?  

    I am reminded of my last chemo treatment and a comment from one of the nurses when I said I was looking forward to getting my mediport removed.  She seemed genuinely puzzled that I wanted to get rid of it!  She said it would already be there if I needed it again in the future!  wtf!!!  I'm thinking, this woman is out of her mind!  Then she said all I'd have to do is get it flushed every 4-6 weeks.  omg!!!  Getting stuck with needles is in my top five most unpleasant things on the planet list!!  And besides that, I would feel like I'd be holding the door open for the universe to send me another round of cancer and its subsequent treatments.  Perhaps this is how you feel towards the records and what might happen if you kept them.  

    We all have comfort zones that are unique.  Personally, I keep a copy of all my medical crapola from the doctors, and I manage to do so without feeling like I'm inviting more disaster from the universe.  If you do decide to ditch them, I think a ceremonial burning would be the way to go.  Give yourself some time to think on it.  And let us know what you decide!   

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  • justanna
    justanna Member Posts: 90
    edited December 2007

    In my opinion, toss it all.  I think it would be gracious to try and find out who's report you were mistakenly given, but why plan on the worse case scenerio in the future?  Maybe donate it to someone, and then if you or one of your loved ones need similar items in the future (god forbid), buy new ones. 

    I personally like clean, non-used items.  Re-using items from a difficult period in my life  or from one of my loved one's life would feel almost obscene, as though I "caught" the cancer from before.  I know there's no rational reason for these feelings, but I personally took a lot of comfort in ridding myself of the wigs, scarves, and the "puke bucket" (which I incidentally did NOT donate, LOL). 

    Love,

    Anna

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  • MtnMama
    MtnMama Member Posts: 133
    edited December 2007

    I pored over my records last week when I received them to carry to my new gyn.  I read over every word, and obsessed about the details, raising questions ... was the percentage value of ER+ meaningful?  ... what does the doc write when the patient is not "A pleasant xx year old?" Wink  I was distressed about incorrect unrelated details (had me with one miscarriage ... I had had three, one intake had me as a smoker ... I am not.)

    But mostly I felt empowered by reading it.  I owned all of my information, and this was documentation that showed I made it through the initial daze of diagnosis and treatment.  Everyone's different in how they use information, but for me it's worth keeping.

    I'm on the diagnosis train again now, and although I'm terrified, nothing compares to the fear with the initial diagnosis.  No one grows up to be an expert in bc, so to me all of the knowledge is empowering.  Even if it contains painful reminders.

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  • Emelee26
    Emelee26 Member Posts: 569
    edited December 2007

    Hi Beth,

    I understand how you feel...my mom and I got a really pretty folder and box and we put her med recs into that..it's far away from our minds..in the back of a closet, but it's there, just in case.

    As far as the other stuff...donate it - you don't and won't need it ;)

    When you're buying yourself a nice folder and box to hold med recs..make sure you stop somewhere and buy yourself some other nice "things" aka beauty essentials or purses or something..you know, just to help with the mental stress of it all :)

    Love Marisa

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  • JoanofArdmore
    JoanofArdmore Member Posts: 1,012
    edited December 2007

    Sure throw it all out!You're well on your way and have moved beyond!

    What I have to say is that you were right, Beth, in "not liking" this onc in the first place!

    She has perverted the Hippa laws AND all patient confidentiality!

    I completely agree with Snowyday.

    Who the %$*k s reading YOUR info?

    You know someone is.

    And this makes me FURIOUS!!

    Yeah,forget about the filthy devil that bit you, throw all he paraphanalia away, forget it,but first pick up the phone and ask to speak w/the office manager, etc etc etc.

    Tell them about his abortion.

    Dont stop going on about it until they promise to get this DOC to call you and address the issue.Threaten to call the board of physicians.CALL the board of physicians (or whoever they are)

    The thing upset you!This should NOT happen!

    And probably someone else is very happy with YOUR results.(Unless she noticed that she is in her 40s, not 25.)

    Sorry, very sorry this had to happen to you.(But as they say in my family, "It should be the worst thing that ever happens to you"!)

    But now you owe it to yourself to get this matter out in the air, dont protect the onc and push it under the rug!

    joan

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  • Member_of_the_Club
    Member_of_the_Club Member Posts: 3,646
    edited December 2007

    Your are fine. The cancer is completely gone. Live your life.



    My son's developmental pediatrician recently sent me a form concerning another patient, by accident. Oops. I guess it happens. As long as we're getting other people's stuff, and other people aren't getting our stuff.

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  • BethNY
    BethNY Member Posts: 2,710
    edited March 2008

    the verdict is in... I threw it away.

    There were notes in there that reminded me of some of the hiccups along the way that I encountered- forms that my step-witch filled out that brought me back to how evil she was...etc

    friendinneed- your post actually made a lot of sense.  I'm a reformed Jew, and we donate everything but shoes... apparently there's something about not donating shoes cause you don't want someone to walk in your burdens-- I remember my mom telling me that when i was young- so I understand your post completely.

    I threw it away.  I'm so done with that part of my life.  I'm sorry that it reared its ugly head.  But I tossed it like the trash that it is.

    Thanks girls--a small reminder of my gratitude to you all.

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  • Emelee26
    Emelee26 Member Posts: 569
    edited December 2007

    Well you should still go and buy something to help take away the memory..something you could share in the makeup hints thread ;)

    I'm glad you threw it out and got it over with..no need for bad memories...luckily my mom can't interpret her own stuff without me..that way I can shield her..it's better that way

    Love Marisa

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