single, dating with one breast

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Emiliana45
Emiliana45 Member Posts: 8
edited June 2014 in Life After Breast Cancer
single, dating with one breast
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  • Emiliana45
    Emiliana45 Member Posts: 8
    edited December 2007

    I'm recently divorced, just had breast removed and started chemo this week ac/taxol. Will lose my hair, etc. Just before chemo I met a nice man and went out a few times. I haven't told him yet. Any tips out there about how to share the information with him about what's going on for me. Part of me feels the timing is wrong and I should just not date until after chemo ends. I plan to have reconstruction after chemo but that will take about a year. Thanks.

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  • LuAnnH
    LuAnnH Member Posts: 8,847
    edited December 2007

    I only had one breast removed also.  I have dated alot over the last 8 years.  It is hard to decide when to tell someone about your breast.  I started telling them sooner rather than later.  I guess I didn't want to get attached and have my heart broken because they couldn't handle it.  I still dated alot of nice men and a few long term.  I hope things work out well for you.

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited December 2007

    Emiliana....I dated throughout my treatment, but since I had a lumpectomy, I didn't worry much about the "breast issue." Still, that's not the only question in the dating arena and, for me, it was a matter of not wanting to be viewed as sickly and having an uncertain mortality. My solution was to be upfront and tell the truth (though not necessarily on the first or even the second date, but when I felt myself wanting to go further in the relationship) and let the chips fall where they may. As LuAnn says, you don't want to become attached and then find out that your guy is one who just can't handle the heavy-ish issues.

    We have had a few threads going over the years discussing this and other single, dating survivor issues and, of course, there's my pet thread, the "MOJO" one. I'll try to find one of the dating ones and bump it up for you.

    ~Marin

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  • Emiliana45
    Emiliana45 Member Posts: 8
    edited December 2007

    Thanks Marin. Sorry it's taken me a while to get back to the site. I started chemo last week. I appreciate what both you and LuAnn shared. The situation I thought I was in hasn't panned out so I did not have an opportunity to tell him. In some ways, it's a relief. But I also know that the question is going to come up again for me as it would be nice to meet other men.

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  • snowyday
    snowyday Member Posts: 1,478
    edited December 2007

    Emiliana this is a tough conversation for me. And I'm sorry it didn't pann out for you but I do understand the relief. But now I that I'm just about finished the rads I'm thinking about real life again and I really screwed up. When I found out I had bc I didn't even give the guy I was seeing a chance to deal with it. Just sort of didn't call or email, answer phone, well dumped him in July.  It wasn't nice of me, but I didn't want a hero.  But I'm feeling really bad now, he knows I'm really independant and he came over, after a night of drinking walked from a friends house, quite a way.  Well my sister was at my house and I'd never let her meet him either and she liked him alot 3:30 a.m. and all. He finally told me his sister went through cancer years ago, now I feel like a real shit.  But I still don't want a hero and if I'm lucky he'll still be around when I feel better.  If not I really screwed up now I feel really shitty never gave him a chance. But everyone was making cancer everything in my life and I just wanted to be left alone,didn't want to think about cancer or dating or explaining and really didn't want to be sick around anyone.  Made sense at the time, but I feel nasty now.Pearl  Does anyone understand what I did cause at times I sure don't.

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited December 2007

    Oh Pearl....The "problem" I see with how you're thinking of this is that you're beating yourself up for not having behaved "properly" with your guy. Hell, you just found out that you had freakin' cancer!!!! Why on earth should you be expected to behave in any predicatable or ordinarily "normal" manner? When we hear that verdict, most of us go into warrior mode and just start marching. Anyone or anything that distracts or detracts from our single-track purpose cannot be dealt with in any regular manner.

    I say ease up on yourself over this and give yourself a little time to deal with the end of treatment because that, in itself, is a challenge and deserves your attention and emotional energy. Then, as you regain some sense of "normalcy," you may find that you want to approach him and make an effort to at least explain where you've been at and why you were compelled to behave as you did and, having made that gesture, let the chips fall where they may. Or not.....maybe you'll just feel it's not worth pursuing and you'd rather move on. Frankly, I think that this time in your life is all about YOU and whatever means you discover to best get through this crap, they're your right to employ.

    Bottom line, Pearl....give it time and all will work out in the end. At least that's my take on it, FWIW....

    ~Marin

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  • snowyday
    snowyday Member Posts: 1,478
    edited December 2007

    Thanks Marin: I'm in tears as I read your post. I agree with what you said about going into warrior mode.  I just didn't want to deal with one more person dealing with my cancer. I had so many people trying to tell me what to do, when to do it I just shoved them all away and stayed close to my sisters. Problem is now that one sister met him she thinks I'm absolutely nuts to have done what I did.  He has a huge house, makes a six fiquire income and she just doesn't get it that that is not what I need or want at this time.  I know they just want the best for me and want me to be taken care of. But thats the worst part, the thought of being taken care of no way, couldn't tolerate it. And when I really thought about last night, I realized my biggest fear was that I might have given in and settled just to be taken care of.  I've had some good friends who have "settled" for financial reasons mostly and they sure aren't happy now.  One of my best friends told me before the cancer was diagnosed that I was marketable. Marketable, wonder if she saw me now, if she' say the same thing.  Honestly sometimes I wonder why I make my life tougher than it should be but I just can't settle. Pearl

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