Starting chemo Dec 2007

At the risk of being too chatty on this thread, I just need to vent. I'm an emotional wreck today. Just can't stop crying. They called this morning needing to change my heart test, which consequently means changing my chemo start date. And for the past few days I've noticed my surgical arm getting noticably stiffer and less able to do the stretching exercises, so I think I might be "getting" lymphedema on top of everything else-- which frustrates me because I spoke to someone about my concerns last week and the earliest they can see me is next week, so how bad will I be by then? And I went in for my flu shot this morning wearing a very loose-fitting shirt, but didn't wear my bra because I didn't know if that was aggrevating the lymphedema and figured I could just roll up my sleeve for the shot, but she said I needed to remove it; and I don't know, I just lost it in the doctor's office and just started sobbing.

Then I come home and read Cheryl's posting about having chemo until next Nov and I wonder what the heck is wrong with me? There's someone who has a right to complain and she's takin it like a pro!

Maybe I should start a new thread for wimps only

Thinking of you, Loriann, and sincerely hoping your first treatment is going well.

- Sally (aka Biblio Wimp) 

Hi all!  Well, I'm back...and still kicking!!  One down and 7 to go!!  Everything went fine and as expected.  I am feeling fine for now and will hope it continues!  Drinking lots of water too!  I had Aloxi thru my IV and also took 1 Emend at start of treatment.  Will take 1 tomorrow and 1 on Sunday along with a steroid.  I have to go back Monday at 7:30 am for the shot.  They were still working with the insurance to see if it is going to be Neulasta or Neupogen.  If Neupogen they will teach me to give that to myself.  Then back of #2 on December 21st!  I had a brief moment of fear/nerves...but just held my husbands hand for a few minutes and thought of all those who have gone before me and I was fine and ready to kick some cancer butt!!  As the Adramycin started I thought...Take that stupid cancer!! LOL

Sally, Whatever you are feeling is OK!!!  We are going thru alot and we all do the best we can!  Bad days are expected and all you can do is try to stay positive and hope for tomorrow to be a better day!  I will continue to send good vibes your way!!

I'll keep you all posted but am hoping for a non-eventful (as in no puking! LOL) weekend.  Have a good evening all!  Lori

You ladies are the best. Thanks. I am feeling better this evening. No more tears. Positive attitude firmly back in place.

They changed my chemo start date to Wednesday, but I figure that gives me a day to heal a little after they put the IV port in on Monday.

And I spoke to a nurse who said my arm symptoms sounded like Post Breast Therapy Pain Syndrome (just as Cheryl described... thank you Cheryl, you helped calm my fears) rather than Lymphedema, and she was wonderfully helpful and reassuring.

Amy, is the change in treatments that you mentioned the one that they are going to stick with or did they still want you to think about it some more? I'm with you... "Steer me in the direction that you think I should go because YOU have the medical degree, not me!" Geesh. How soon do they intend to start you on your treatments anyway, or will that be another hoop for you to jump through? You must be going crazy... Come on, let's get this show on the road already!

Loriann, congrats on #1 being behind you! I liked your attitude... "Take that stupid cancer!" You are so brave.

Laurita, good luck with the food fight. There's a lot worse things than MacDonald's hamburgers, eh? Be sure to get the Happy Meal package though-- you deserve it!

Thanks ladies. I'm so blessed to have found this thread and all your help.

-Sally 

Morning all!  Well, I made it thru the night with just a small nagging headache that caused a lack of sleep!  I was up about every 2 hours and Laurita, I know EXACTLY, what you mean!  I was hungry but nothing sounded good!  I think the chicken I had earlier in the day was  a bad idea.  Just the smell of it in the fridge this morning caused it to move to be moved to the garage!!  During the night, I had a banana, peanut butter on toast, tapioca pudding and a few bites of jello....and of course water!  Trying to stay on top of that.  Got up at 8 and had cereal with my 2nd Emend and 2 of the streroids.  Headache is gone for now so that is good!

Sally, glad you are having a better day!  Stay positive!

Have a great day sistas!

Good Morning Ladies.

I know I am on a different tx than most of you. However, I wanted you to know that the second tx seemed easier than the first. I am sure that the anxiety of the first tx being over helped and so did all of you suggestions of rest, eat whatever food you can tolerate, and take things one day at a time helped too. But the symptoms of nausea, headaches and such were less. Fatigue I did not escape, though. So I rested. And every day I am feeling better.

So for me...there seems to be a much appreciated break.

I go back for my next tx on Christmas Eve morning. Isn't that nice?I swear, I'm gonna bring a camera. Gotta document my '07 Holiday plans.

We put up all our Christmas decorations last weekend and just got finished this weekend. Either my decorations doubled while sitting up in the attic for the year or I am MUCH slower than usual. Guess which one it was?? I was so frustrated by mid week that it wasn't done and ALL OVER the already untidy house that I had a good cry. It helped and now it is all done. I have a feeling I'm gonna be one of those people whose decorations are still up in March. UG!

Hugs and health to all.

Jacqie

Day 7 after first tx and I feel good.  Still don't have "desire" for food, but I can eat pretty much anything again. Actually dined out with friends on Friday and ate mussels and salad.  It feels good to be close to "normal".

This is a busy time of year but I have been resting a lot and not getting too caught up in the Christmas mania.  I am glad just to be here and feeling well.  Resting lots, especially due to the cold I got on day 2 (has to be the lowered resistance due to chemo, as I haven't had a cold in a long time).

Loriann I am glad you are doing well - this is great news.  I hope the others who started this week are doing equally well.  I am thinking of you, Sally, and the next couple of days with the port and first tx.

I wanted to throttle my mom yesterday.  She is 85 and just got back from being away for a couple of weeks (lives with me).  I was glad to have her away for my first tx so I could go through things the first time on my own.  She wants to help me but at her age it is not really possible, and on the help equation realistically she is a needer moreso than a giver, but that is ok and totally expected at her age.

What I want to vent about is something that goes back to my childhood.  When I was born my father was sick - he had been diagnosed (at 40-ish) with a rare metabolic illness whose side effects had caused calcification of some of his organs, lungs, heart muscle etc.  It had obviously been a difficult time for my mom with baby #4 on the way and him having been sick for months before they were able to figure out what was wrong with him.  Anyway, my mom is a real character - a realist with capital R.  She didn't hesitate, during my childhood, to speak openly (in front of us kids) about the prognosis of the doctors that he would not live a normal life span due to the damage his organs had suffered.  She is insensitive and an intellectual and fatally rational, and was oblivious to the mortal fear this imbued in me - as a child one of the deepest fears that can be felt is the possible loss of a parent.  Anyway, I suffered with this as a kid and went through years, particularly bad from 6-10, where I had extremely vivid nightmares (theme = death) and did not sleep well.  Often I would go and sleep in my sister's bed and when she got annoyed with that there were even times I slept on the floor outside her bedroom door.  The few times I spoke with my Mom about it, she rationalized it all away.  Of course your father could die, but eventually we will all die, etc etc etc....this DID NOT help.  There was never acceptance of my fears as valid, nor comforting support, etc.....I felt emotionally alone as a child with this fear.  This is all not as bleak as it sounds, but it was a very real and horrible fear to have to deal with.  My father died of a heart attack when I was 12.  Of course it was devastating, but not long after I realized that the event itself was not the end of the world as my fears had lead me to believe.  Life did go on and although I missed him terribly and mourned his loss I continued to have a great childhood and teenage years etc.

Well, yesterday when my 22-year old daughter greeted my mom, the old woman made some comment about "well, your mom could die....".  It was said in the context of a guilt-trip laying comment because mom thinks the kids should help me more.  I was SOOOOOO annoyed!  Thankfully, I have many times spoken to my daughter (and son) about what I had gone through as a child, and they understand that granny can be a pain and you have to take some of what she says/her ways with a grain of salt, but she and I did NOT need to hear that yesterday.  The insensitivity of my mom continues to annoy (but not surprise) me.  She has absolutely no apparent understanding for the emotions of anyone, except her own.  When I told her of my diagnosis her most emotional moment was to say "I don't want any more of my kids to have cancer".  I can understand exactly how she feels, but you can see the egotistical perspective of that very statement.  (My eldest brother (Mom's firstborn) died just over a year ago of very aggressive brain cancer at 59, 3 months from dx to the end).  I don't harbour ill feelings towards her for this "flaw" in her personality.  I accept that she has this perspective and try to appreciate all of the other kind, caring things and sacrifices my mom endured for us kids.  I accept that she will probably not change as she has been this way ever since I can remember and at 85, change is unlikely.  It could not have been easy for her, facing my father's prognosis and subsequently finishing raising 4 kids on her own. And certainly the loss of my brother was not easy, as they were very close - she was living with him and his wife at the time.

I have not spoken to my mother about this yet.  I need to wait for my emotions to cool off so I don't lose it with her.  My kids are young adults - 20 and 22.  I have been very open about everything I am going thru with bc but they don't need to be reminded of the downside of the statistics.  I share with them my own hopeful outlook that I will beat this thing and stick around for a good long time.  Really, even if there is a 30% chance I will not be here 10 years from now - that is a long time away, it is just a statistic, and there is a lot of life for us all to live between now and then.  The time to worry about death is when it is impending, in my opinion.  And really, what is the point in worrying?  I am thankful that my kids are more or less "grown" and I don't worry about what might happen to them if I am not around.  I just want my kids to feel that they are not responsible for the outcome of this bc adventure.  I don't want them to carry around any more fear of losing me than they may already have, which is natural under the circumstances.

I am just venting.  I just NEVER want to hear my mom EVER broach the subject of my (eventual and hopefully distant) death with my kids.  Just had to get this off of (what's left of) my chest .  Thanks for listening. 

Hello everyone,

I was diagnosed with stage 1 (and no lympth nodes) infultrating ductial adenocarcinoma breast cancer for the second time and had a bi-lateral mastectomy on October 26th.  I have not had the chance to read all the comments (I just printed them all out) but I thought I would post something about myself real quick.  The first time I was 29 and had a lumpectomy, chemo (A/C), and radiation.  I am 36, single and have never had children so I am really struggling with the decision to do chemo a second time and becoming infertile or going into chemo endused medopause.  I was actually thinking about having a child next year (before I found out I had cancer again).  My doctor's are giving me a 50/50 chance of being infertile due to a second round of Chemo.  Oh, by the way my doctor's are recommending 4 doses of Taxotere and cytoxan (T/C).     The other reason I am nervous about doing chemo is the risk of developing leukemia from the chemo (especially since this will be my second go around with it).  I know that I am in the minority of the women who get breast cancer especially since I have had it twice under the age of 40.  But I was wondering if anyone out there has any advise to help me make a decision about chemo.  I only have about 2 more weeks to make a decision.  I should have gotten on a discussion board sooner but I have been doing so much research and reading and talking to doctors, friends, etc that I have felt too overwhelmed to join. 

By the way I did read a comment about support groups.  I have belonged to a cancer support group for the last 6 years.  I have found it very helpful.  Our group meets once a month.  No one pushes you to tell talk about yourself.  You say what you want (we do a round table introduction before each meeting) then we usually have a guest speaker who give us great information about many topics.  For example last month is was all about how to reduce stress through many different options.  And of course Octobers meeting was all about Breast cancer. 

Welcome, MNSurvivor.  Sorry you had to join us!

I would recommend that you copy your post and re-post it in one or both of these other sections of the forum:

Recurrence and Metastatic Disease

Help Me Get Through Treatment.

You may find that in these areas there will be more women who have gone through what you are experiencing and they may be able to help you through their experiences.  So far this month we are first-timers and haven't had to deal with the beast returning.  The decision in your treatments of course is ultimately yours, but it really helps to hear from others who've had similar experiences.  All the best of luck to you!  And please keep us posted!

Warm hugs

Laurita- My mom is staying with me during the holidays, she is 85 also and from what you described she is exactly like your mother. My dad died when I was 10 and was very sick for years before and I remember many nightmares about those around me dying. She told my daughter, who is 25, that I could die and that she should prepare herself.  My dh explained to my mother that anyone could get hit by a bus or any number of sudden deaths and that my mother should "get a grip" and that I am going to be just fine.

I agree they will not change, we accept them as they are, but we do not need them to spread their negativity to others that we love. I just want to let you know that I do understand and you are not alone.

Cheryl

joyh - welcome!

Your head must be spinning from all this, things have happened so quickly.  Best of luck to you for your chemo.  Drink lots of fluids!  Please let us know how you are doing, when you can.

Hey Joy, Hang in there. I COMPLETELY sympathize with you about the out of control feeling your life is in.....it did not sit will with me, AT ALL.I will pray for patience and healing for you. You can do it, though many times a day you probably want to scream or cry ! You will get through this miserably confusing time of decisions, opinions, and all the other $^%#@^.

Sally, way to go with the port !Sounds like you came through with flying colors !Laurita, I am drinking my fluids, and eating my prunes, chemo #2 tomorrow. wishiwere.........hope you are resting and feeling okay after your treatment. Off to bed , warm hugs !! cindy

Morning all!  Hope today is a great day for all or at least better than yesterday!  I've been a little busy with my brother coming and all (he'll be here today) but wanted to touch base since I think of you all often!!

Welcome (and sorry) to the new posters!  There are a great bunch of women here and I hope you find some comfort here (as I have) while our lives are in a bit of a blunder!!

Laurita, I'm right there with you on the hair thing.  Getting mine sheared off on Friday while I'm picking up my wig!  I saw 2 fairly young girls at the infusion center, 1 wearing just a pretty scarf, the other nothing!  I just can't imagine myself without my hair...I want to think I could get used to the scarf thing....just have to wait & see.  I am imagining the bumpy head thing too!  LOL

Took my last steroid pill this am so nothing to do now until treament #2 on Dec. 21st.  The food issue is still tricky!  Deciding what I want is the trick.  I did have baked fish, baked potato and steamed aspagagus yesterday that hit the spot!  And a baked potato already this morning!

Oh, I was able to go with the Neulasta shot yesterday so no having to give the shots to myself for the next 8-10 days!  Score one up for me!! 

Here is an question I was wondering about...anyone know the answer.  My oncology nurse mentioned that in about 1 week I may be able to notice that my lymph node lump (since that was bigger than the tumor) is getting smaller.  I don't know if it's wishful thinking but it feels like it may already be a bit smaller.  (For those who don't know, I'm doing neo-adjunctive chemo)  So, I start wondering what exactly happens to the cancer cells...Do they die and just get absorbed by the body...do they just wither away where they are creating scar tissue (I've read that in cases of surgery the tumor is gone and just scar tissue left to remove).  Anyone know the process for that??

I worked until 1:15 yesterday..couldn't quite make it til the normal 2 pm.  At work now, but today is my short day..done at 10:30 and then going to one of the Look Good Feel Better events to learn about the whole hat, wig, scarf, skin and nail care thing and get some neat samples of cosmetics!  Looking forward to that and will pass on any good tips!!  Thinking of you all!  Lori

Bibliowimp (the alter-ego of Bibliowarrior) here. Still in a lot of pain from my IV port yesterday. Using ice pack every hour and taking the pain meds leftover from my cancer surgery, but that doesn't seem to be helping much. I even stayed home from work. Wish I had a better tolerance to pain (ok, who we fooling... wish I had A tolerance to ANY pain). But at least I'm not all depressed about it... spirits are up today (no clue why).

Called a nurse to ask about the pain and she pretty much said to take it easy and stick it out... it'll get better. Gee, thanks. At this point I'm more worried about someone simply touching the IV port than the chemo treatment itself, tomorrow. So I got off my butt and called a massage therapist on some flyer I found... he deals mainly with cancer patients... gonna see him this afternoon... no clue if this guy is any good, but hell, if he can at least get this pain to subside somehow then I won't be so worried about my 1st chemo date tomorrow.

Funny thing is, I had the best night's sleep last night since before my cancer surgery. Life is just really, really weird.

Reading about you ladies that are going to be shaving your heads... I know I want to shave mine before it falls off, but haven't decided how to go about it. Anyone have advice?

24 hours to go before chemo #1. Gotta go drink more water now. Drink water, drink water, drink water...

Big hugs to everyone. My heroes.

-Sally 

A couple of other things.....

Sally - I just see your picture now - what a gorgeous head of hair you have!  It sucks that we have to lose our hair.  Since mine is fairly long I am planning to donate it, and although some places will not take hair that has been coloured or has any grey (I score positive on both of these), I found this site here in Canada that will, if the hair colour that has been used is at most semi-permanent and if the grey is not more than 5%.  So I am IN!  I am very happy about this.  At least if I have to lose my hair perhaps someone can benefit from it someday.

http://www.cancer.ca/vgn/images/portal/cit_776/56/54/74610127cw_pantene_En.pdf

Suz45, I see that you are here in Canada - I didn't realize that!  I "grew up" in Vancouver but have been here in Calgary for longer than I care to mention (where do all those years go????).  My brother still lives in Vancouver and I hope to get out there one of these days....

Later, ladies....