coping as a daughter

rianna,

i understand the fear of cancer coming back.

my mom had breastcancer 3 yrs ago. she was stage 2 she is good now.

any time a doctor finds the least little thing they want to make sure what it is. if it does turn out to be cancer again. it does not mean death for your mom .now days women live for years.   your mom is in my prayers. you seem to be such a caring daughter.   

Hey Rianna,



I know JUST how you feel. I don't know how old you are and what the relationship is with your mother but I can tell you what I found.



At first I thought all I can do to help is carry on like nothing happened in my tone to her, discuss trivialities, have the usual exasperrated tone when she is nagging and generally fake normality. I thought that would give her strength, minimize it and help her cope. As weeks went by though I went back on that decision and realized there is no way to minimize it. There is no way to avoid it. Or make her snap out of self-pity cries or morbid thoughts.



All I can do is shut up, listen and let her do it because she doesn't mean the bleak, suicidal thoughts all the time but she needs to express them. I let her cry and wonder why it's happening to her and stop protesting that it happens to anyone. I let her say silly things like "It's my body, if I want to die I will" and not scream about it being selfish because I know she doesn't really want to die and because she needs to feel she has a choice. I even let her say it's my fault that she got cancer, it's all the times I've upset her. She loves me, that's just the anger and the rage talking and when they're gone she's stronger.



At the same time I can praise her for her strength and will to go on when she expresses those and hopefully use positive reinforcement to help her have that line of thought more often. It seems to be working so far. It makes her feel loved, cared for, it helps me know I am doing the right thing and will not have to struggle with having treated her badly when she goes and it is even bringing us closer together by leaps and bounds.



Not an option in my case since I'm in charge of providing all the care for her and she's dependent on me but even if she were young, healthy and independent I wouldn't let her go to any appointment be it with the doctor, the biopsy ward or the lab alone



I'm also trying to do all of the info work I can for her. I can pass it on as a language issue, most of the resources are in English and she is not fluent in it. It's not though, it's saving her -when possible- from the grueling findings and from the heart jerking every bit of bad news brings and trying to dose that info when I give it to her. I can't control how much she reads online even if she understands it, I can't be there to stop her from throwing the book away when it just gets unbearable but what I can do is educate myself first, then break that info down into a tone she understands and give it to her when she's receptive.



Hope this helps.

Hi dear sisters. I am 72, and all I have to offer or say is, for heaven's sake take ahold of your mom's hand, in a quiet moment, and say something like this: "Mom, I know you will get better, but I wanted to tell you how much I love you and how much you have enriched my life. All the birthdays, Christmas' and holidays, were always so much fun with you in my life. Thank you."



Of course, each person has very different things to put in this little "speech". But I let my mom die of a stroke without saying a single word because I was so worried I would scare her. I would give anything if I had taken her hand kissed it and told her how much I loved her. This feeling of failure has haunted me for 12 years since she died. I never told her what a wonderful mom she was, how I needed her, how she loved my kids, all the things that would have warmed her heart so much, she never heard.



Well, it is too late for me, but not for you.



Gentle hugs, Shirlann