Starting Chemo in September?? where are you ladies

Tri: I don't remember how far into taxol ur.  I have dose dense every 2 weeks and I've had 2 txs.  I felt crappy the entire time during the 1st one (real bad joint pain for about 4 days where I couldn't even walk).  I thought they'd lied to me again (or that I was the exception AGAIN anyway) for taxol being a breeze.  But since tx #2 I've felt good.  I don't have to have neulasta anymore either.  I just have some days where I'm more tired and crabby.  Hope you start feeling better.

Urbie: congrats on last tx.  Sounds like you had a good thanksgiving also.  Hope things continue going well for you.

Mary Jo: I hope I get drawn for turkey hunting, too.  I can relate to the screaming.  I warned my bf that when I actually get something, I'll be yelling and doing my butt shakin dance.  I make fun of how the people react on the outdoor channel when they get something.  Each person does their own little funny things.  One guy even started to cry over a deer ( thought that was a little weird).  My bf says I don't look very excited ever (like when I tried bowfishing the first time and was hitting fish).  But during that kind of activity, I think I'm so focused on getting the fish in and off the arrow and then back at it.  Its not like when you wait for a deer and shoot, then you're done and you have your trophie.  I'd probably even do a happy dance shooting a pheasant.  Better remember to put the safety back on and the gun down before though  .

We just got the driveway clear yesterday and we're suppose to get nailed again tonight.  I did the grocery shopping this morning so we're set that way.  And yes, I did get out to collect brush.  I might go out again this afternoon for more.  I also want to work on the insulation for the utility room (pipes are always freezing up for the washer) and one window is broken.  And I bought some christmas lights to hang along the front porch.  Geez they're expensive. 

Well, I'm still a little crabby and scattered, but I'm trying to relax about it.  I get frustrated sometimes because I feel like in that movie Groundhogs Day with Bill Murray, where I get up and do the same crap every day (dishes, cleaning, laundry, make supper).  I don't so much mind doing all those things but I realized I don't do many things for enjoyment because half the time I don't know what I enjoy.  My bf is such a go out and do things type person that I sort of just follow along with him.  But when he's working, I'm left to myself and I don't really know what I like to do.  Guess I should just relax about this, too, and just do some things.  Bf reminds me I think too much.  He's right.

Here's a picture of my dog Miller.  A kiddie pool blew through the yard one day and I nabbed it for Miller on those hot summer days.  Bf thinks that's funny.  But look how happy he his.  He's a wonderful dog.  I wouldn't want to be out in 90 degree weather with a black fur coat on.

Well I can't feel like a schlub now.  I did one of my more difficult kickboxing routines (modified so I wouldn't kill myself of course).  I made it through the whole thing-whew hew!.  Then I did a mini yoga stretching routine, some gi qong, and ended with tai chi form.  I'm surprised I remembered all 88 movements to the tai chi form.  Its been quite awhile since I've done it and you forget quickly. 

lol I am so glad you guys cleared up the DNR thing. Here - in my world DNR means DO NOT Resuscitate... as in no CPR, No heroic interventions....Needless to say, considering you were talking about hunting, I was getting more than a little confused. Blame it on the chemo - it's what I blame everything on now!

Karyll

mj: sorry to hear you're crabby. It really sux.  I also hope things improve with your hubby.  Its really hard.  I felt like that a lot during early hunting season when I was home sick and bf was in full tilt hunting mode.  He'd get up and say bye as he went out the door, stop back in during the afternoon and take off again, and then come home in the evening and fall asleep.  I could tell he didn't know what to do when I felt crappy and after awhile it did feel like he didn't care or even like he was annoyed and would just distance himself.  I didn't feel like I had a right to say anything because we've only been together a year and a half and I felt like I should be grateful he chose to stay.  Its frustrating.  But then he'll come around like the other night when he got home and was so tired he was nearly falling asleep but took me out for a drive because he knew I was snowed in all day.  Sometimes I think you just have to let the distance be there, take care of yourself and hope things will come back around. 

I haven't done the lights yet.  I spent yesterday with the insulation.  Today Miller and I tramped around the back woods and slough looking for rabbits and pheasants.  I was just too tired to keep up so I didn't get anything.  I swear I'll never get a damn pheasant.  Miller was happy to get out though. 

The plow went through the driveway so I'm not snowed in anymore.  Its suppose to snow again tomorrow but I haven't heard how much.  I want to go out for lunch with a friend yet this week and maybe stop in at my old job to visit. 

Better days ahead...

Ya know, listening to you ladies about the boyfriends, husbands brought me to a realization about my own relationship. It is relatively new - we don't share a home but I was diagnosed 3 months after we met. I didn't think he would stick around, I gave him the option not to. He said, I need to deal with this in my own way - I can't handle your problems. I was terribly hurt because I didn't understand that he was hurting and fearful himself and did not wish to burden me with even more than I was dealing with. He has since explained this to me - because he became distant and I thought for sure he was just trying to "let me down slowly". In actuality, in a strange sort of way, he thought he was protecting me -by not adding to the stress. It makes sense sort of - and we are still together in our way. We see eachother every weekend - a bit leery of the cohabitating due to both our previous experiences (and his kids are a lot to handle right now) but I just wanted to say that the "withdrawal" seems to be a common thing, perhaps a male way of dealing with their own pain (it's gotta hurt if they care) and fear (I don't want to lose you) and the male I can't FIX this syndrome. I wanted to talk ( you can tell I like to talk) - He wanted to seemingly ignore the whole thing. It's weird really but ya know? They are still there - When he said on one of my chemo days - Thursday not the weekend - I think I should come and stay with you early this week - I suddenly realized that he IS still here, and is actually here more in his heart than he would like to be.(sometimes) He just doesn't deal well, and doesn't want to compound things FOR me because he knows he can't do anything to make it all go away. His distance has afforded me strength - because I had to - and then his kindness and gentle approach made me realize he was hurting with all of this too. We are both capricorns and both very alike in certain things (except the Venus and Mars thing) and as irrelevant as that may seem at the moment - I realized that we both internalize, we both deal with things very similarly, and it gave me an insight into why he seemed distant when he was merely "coping". I dunno if any of this makes sense, it just suddenly gave me a wash of clarity into at least part of the male psyche and a reminder that they are "fixers" and feel utterly helpless in this situation and that can't do much for their ego either.......

Karyll

PS - insight and understanding does NOT stop me from snapping or biting his head off sometimes though - poor guy and yet he returns every weekend, probably really not having a clue which Karyll will be here THIS time... lol

Yes, very well put, Karyll and Paxton.  Especially the point about the Male I Can't Fix It Syndrome and the subtle ways of caring.  I think you both hit the nail on the head right there.  And Karyll, I realized something about what you said about distance making you stronger-- when my husband recently stayed in the woods hunting all week, and I was very nervous about him being gone just after I started Taxol, not knowing what it would do to me.  Well, I made it just fine and that made me stronger.  Maybe he did it to make me stronger and ease the pressure off him. And Paxton, you're right about the normal life thing being very important. I just have to make up my mind that I'm going to be ok and not spend the rest of my life worrying about this stupid cancer coming back.  Is it possible just to ignore it and assume that it wont, because I could probably do that if I set my mind to it. I would not want to be a burden to anyone either.

Paxton, hope your lunch is fun today and glad you got to visit your job.  I think getting out and socializing is very important and acting normal is good.  While hubby hunts this weekend (last of the season), I am driving my parents down to visit my daughter, where we'll all spend Saturday night and coming back Sunday afternoon.  I am a bit nervous because I hope I stay well (have the sniffles), but this is going to be a real adventure. I haven't spent the night in the same house w/my parents in over 20 years-- it should be fun!  Hope my daughter and her hubby think so... of course they will see us a lot when the grandbaby gets here next month!  They only live 130 miles away, so it should be a good trip.

I hope everyone has a great Thursday!

MJ 

Thanks, Paxton, and yes I am getting excited.  I think the thrill has just hit me, mostly because I've come out of my "fog" of all this bc.

I need to listen to my own advice about the worrying thing. I think we should just forge on and leave this stuff behind as best we can, but easier said than done.  I keep thinking how mad I would be in ten years if I worried needlessly for nothing (though thankful if it doesn't return!)  It would be better if I am more careful crossing the street or while driving... better time spent to ensure a long life!

Guys guys, cant live with them, cant live without them. (my story is that after being together with the hubby for 27 years, we went into a rut and I asked for a divorce 1 year ago and got it, but then we fell in love again and he proposed. We are currently engaged he never even moved out actually and he is paying child support to himself hehehe... )

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Last night  he was kind of giving me a hard time saying ' oh so why werent you able to sleep for 3 nights last week ? Whats wrong with you ?"

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My response was :
" Honey I do not have mange I am going through Chemo I COULD NOT SLEEP CAUSE ALL THE POISON+STEROIDS THEY PUMPED INTO ME  DUHHH !!!"

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This made him laugh. 

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I think it is hard for them to constantly accomodate us and they are human too and break down. Or sometimes we put a 'too normal ' of a front up, so they forget that we are really going through some tough shit !

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What I found out that as long as I found some humor and was able to laugh at my situation he wanted to be around me more. Or if I made him feel needed(not in a clingy kind of way), and his efforts were making me feel better(thats the fixer you gals were talking about), he sticks around a lot more. 

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Pax.. I am scared of you girl !   stop shooting those animals !!! lol.. ( I know I know I am one of the stupid gals who tends to puts her head into the sand and likes to think that the juicy hamburgers just grow on the trees) Yes going out and socializing is really important, didn't you just feel good about showing up at your workplace ?

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MJ my doctor prescribed Nexium which really shoots the heartburn down, maybe that might help you ?

have fun on your get together this weekend !

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I have been going to some Kundalini Yoga sessions and am using one of the meditation tools to try to control my 'freaking cause cancer will return' feelings which are getting stronger as the end of chemo nears ( I guess now I at least feel that the cancer cells are being blasted but afterwards !!! ). So when I start freaking out I just say it is ok to be scared, ok to be freaking out and then move on with other stuff. Some days when I am strong this is possible, some days it is not.. thought I would share.

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The Kundalini Yoga says never to deny your feelings accept them as your feelings/thoughts and then put them aside, as if you start fighting them they actually get stronger.

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 I also ordered some Qi Gong books from the library, going forward I am planning to integrate mind-body therapies to prevent the C beast from getting a foothold. As far as I am concerned my body either caused or let the C stuff grow, and I should be able to reprogram it to not to do this again.

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Anyone has any experience with Qi Gong ? How should I get started ?

Aylin - the trigeek on her upswing !

tri: there is some good video online and I'd bet on dvd, too. 

Have a great time on your weekend, mj.  I hope you get passed thinking you should have gotten bc.  Its sad...but we've all had bizarre thoughts or feelings throughout all this so don't get too down on yourself for it.  Like tri said, don't fight them; acknowledge them and allow them to pass without reacting or taking on the baggage.  Once thoughts, feelings or events pass, you can see how hollow they really are and that it has been us who chose to weigh ourselves down with the meanings we chose to attach to them.  I mean, doesn't it just piss you off when some guy isn't bothered by anything?? 

I feel guilt from time to time.  After college I started having panic attacks out of the blue and it was just devestating.  As the anxiety took over, depression set in and I remember thinking I could never kill myself and thought maybe getting something like cancer would do the job.  I never did anything to increase my odds of getting any kind of cancer, but just remembering that I thought that doesn't feel good.  Having cancer now also makes me feel some guilt over being depressed and having nothing to really be depressed about.  But luckily I know enough now to have these feelings but not put much stock in them.  Everybody does and thinks weird things. 

mj: I hope things smooth over with dh over the insurance money thing, too.  Life is too short to get too stuck, but I can also see if he is hurt that its going to take a little time to heal the situation.  Hopefully it will all work out and you can get back to a normal life after treatment.

I am going to a pampered chef party this afternoon.  It will be nice to get together with some women for a change.  Seems like when we get together with several couples, the women stand aside and talk about their kids and kids clothing.  I try and listen for awhile but end up with the men.  I don't have very many girlfriends.  I get along with the girl hosting the party.  She's married to my bf's best friend so we do a lot with them.  She likes outdoor stuff and is more like me.  Well, except she's 21, was a dairy princess, and is the Farm Girl model for Fleet Farm.  But she is genuinely nice and down to earth. 

Well, I need to exercise and get ready.  Have a good weekend everybody!!

Hello Ladies,

Its been a long time since I've posted. I started rads this last Monday. 1 week down, 5 more to go. I haven't gotten any burns yet but definitely feel the fatigue.3 weeks after chemo, I am now losing my big toe nails, at least I think I will lose them, they have turned black and very sensitive. The whole rad team is absolutely wonderful! They are so much better than my onc team. I have to drive 20 miles (one way) for 10 minute tx but at least its not further. And its worth it to be treated like a human being and not just a cancer patient.

I know what you mean about being tempermental...holy buckets I'm 51 yrs. old and find myself having temper tantrums!! Luckily I live alone so there's no witnesses! LOL!

I was driving home today and actually couldn't remember where I was! Luckily my daughter was with me but I think it scared her. Sure hope its not permanent! I find myself saying the wrong things too. Email for voice mail, etc. Anyone else?

I had an appt. w/ onc. (I finally get to go 3 months now instead of every month). I asked him when I could get my port removed and he said that he likes to leave them for 1-2 yrs. because that's when the strongest chance of recurrence is! Boy, that was like a slap in the face! I haven't even finished tx and he talking about it coming back!

He's a jerk! When he was closing the door to leave he said "Maybe the next time I see you you'll have hair"! I'm happy to not have to see him till March!!

Take care ladies! Best of luck to those of you finishing chemo.

Hi to all!

I just got back from a totally wonderful weekend visit with my daughter and her hubby, my granddog and future grandbaby! My daughter played flute in the orchestra for the Christmas pageant at her church last night, so we all attended that and it was so uplifting and enjoyable. My parents and I had a great trip, traffic was very light both going and coming (pleasantly strange!), and we all had a fantastic time! DH called me several times-- thankfully he missed me and I sure missed him.

Paxton, thanks for your encouragement. And I can relate to everything you said, including the anxiety attacks over what we think is now "nothing"-- I had those about a year ago, all connected with menopause, but gee I wish that's all I had to worry about now. So, you are not alone and are perfectly normal. But please don't feel guilty about the thoughts about getting cancer-- like you said, everyone thinks and does weird things! And how was the Pampered Chef party? I got so excited when I read about you going-- my daughter is a Pampered Chef consultant as her second job (she is a kindergarten teacher also), and of course I have gobs of that stuff and I love it! I promised her I would host a show in the spring for the Help Whip Cancer pink campaign that they usually have. Did you buy something nice? I guarantee I know every product by heart... and I can't cook a lick but love it anyway! You sound like me with the girlfriends... I get along better with guys because I don't spend my time at the mall or the jewelry store or other typical female stuff. Most ladies think I'm nuts talking about shotguns and hunting and fishing, and lots of times I make guys mad because I try to be educated on outdoor issues and it makes them feel threatened-- but that's more a Southern male thing because my Washington State born hubby and brother-in-law are not like that. ps-- I hope you have a great time ice fishing-- hubby used to do that in when he lives out West and it sounds like so much fun-- let us know how you do.

Trigeek, of course we could get together with a no-kill DNR! There's lots of things we could do! I'd settle for rock painting right now just to get out of the house and in the outdoors!

Cheryll, Yes I have definitely mix up my words and say one thing when I mean another-- thank Heavens I'm not the only one! Please post more about your rads experience so we know what to expect, and I wish you all the luck with and hope it goes by fast. But I hope to Heaven my jerk dr. does not suggest leaving this dang port in like your jerk dr. did, because I think I will just haul off and hit him. I actualy asked the nurse practitioner about the recurrence within 1-2 years and she said no, that is not true. I know I keep mine for a year (next Nov.) for the Herceptin, but beyond that, it goes! It hurts almost constantly and bothers the crap out of me! (Anyone else's port still annoying?) I agree with Paxton, we got to keep living!!!

Marietta, how are you doing? Hope you are well and enjoying the holidays!

Have a wonderful Sunday evening, everyone!

Mary Jo

So glad you had a great weekend, mj.  You totally deserve.  Hopefully you'll have a good week.  Um, I ended up buying a pizza stone at the Pampered Chef party.  It was fun but all older women so I didn't meet anyone to really hang out with, but that's ok.  It was still something to do.  They do have a lot of cool stuff.  I just can't afford it, heh.

I had a GREAT time ice fishing.  I got 4 large walleye so of course I have to put a picture.  Its the first time I've really gone ice fishing (hard to believe since I live in Minnesota). 

Wow, Paxton, AWESOME fish!  I know you are excited about them!  How cold was it?  You so deserve to have fun fishing and to be very proud.  I bet you had lots more fun fishing than the PC party-- I certainly would! (oops hope daughter doesn't read this).  I know what you mean about the PC products being pricey... I have really had to rein in my finances and most of mine I got through a show I hosted, plus hosts get a discount.  The pizza stones and the other stone pans are my favorite, plus the weird can opener they have-- worth every penny.  I'd still rather fish than be with a bunch of old (or young) hens talking about cooking... 

I go for Taxol #5 tomorrow and I'm already up at the crack of dawn, can't sleep.  I am so sick of this bc tx crap I could just crawl in a hole.  I hope to just sleep thru the whole thing tomorrow and wake up next year... anyone else sick of it all?

And I know I've posted this question before, but here goes again-- anyone else have a "sweaty head"?  If I go without anything on my head, it sweats!  WHY?  It drives me nuts.  Wonder if it is the menopause/hot flash/night sweat thing?

have a great Monday, everyone!

MJ

My head feels more clammy than sweaty MJ when I don't have anything on it. I don't get very sweaty even on my head covered but I think sometimes - is that my head that I can smell? I think perhaps it is because I am used to having some nice shampooing stuff and then I get a scalp whiff - lol... Rarely is my head wet except in the tub/shower - but it definitely has like a sheen all the time....and  I don't mean a blinding one.. LMAO, but like a coating or something... it IS quite odd.

Karyll