At the end of the road

I can only tell you about my experience when my father was dying. He was diagnosed w/lung cancer. Had surgery and lived for about 7 years after that until mets to brain & bones. He was always a kind of angry person and very critical. When he got sick, it got even worse. He snapped at everyone, and accused my mother of trying to kill him. What I said to myself at the time helped me to continue to see him and care about him and that was, That this is not my father, it is the cancer eating at him. It is in his brain and he can't help it. My dad was German, not Irish. But I sometimes think that what we may not like about someone ends up being worse when that person gets sick.

I thought the docs were not doing justice for him, so I fought to get him better care. My mom was scared and paralyzed by his anger. He would order her to leave the hospital room and not come back. I kept telling my mom that this wasn't true what he was telling her, and that it was the cancer and pain causing him to act out.



You are in a very difficult place right now, and I am so sorry you are having to experience this. Can you try to share the burden of being at the hospital w/your brothers and sisters? Or are you already doing that? Sometimes it helps to get away from the situation. I don't know how people in Ireland feel about talking to a family therapist. I found that I could understand more about what was going on by talking to a therapist. It helped me stay strong and not see my father as a nasty person.



My father-in-law became ill at the same time with ALS. So, my husband and I also drove 500 miles every month, and stayed with him for a week or two at a time. We had to convince him that he needed a caregiver to stay with him, and that he could not live alone. He also became very angry. He was Irish and it was very hard for him to show his emotions. He kept alot bottled up inside. His wife (husband's stepmother) died right after he was diagnosed. He had a hard time talking about her, and when he did he would start to cry. then he would stop right away and was embarrassed by his emotions.



I believe that both of these men were actually angry at their bodies for betraying them. That is because I often feel that also, since I was diagnosed with bc in 2004. I know that my dad and f-in-law were very independent men, very stern, and my f-in-law sounds very much like your dad.

He was always very dignifed and a gentleman.



I hope this helps you. Again, I am so sorry you are going through this. Hopefully, you are blessed to have so many siblings to share this burden.



I hope your mother recovers and I'm sure she will feel badly about her anger during this time.



grace

Maybe I misread the original post, but it didn't read to me like this is a stage IV cancer patient who is hospitalized.

Perhaps your mother is being hostile because she feels like crap. Maybe she has a problem with how your dad is handling it and it makes her feel less than supported or cared for. She not only feels physically horrible, but I am sure she has lots of fear as well.

Your mom has had a lot of change foisted upon her by this rotten disease. I hope you won't find my advice to you insensitive, but perhaps you could be thankful that the "end in sight" that you are talking about is an end to her TREATMENTS, not the end of her LIFE.  It can get much worse than having a hostile, but ambulatory and non-metastatic mom to deal with.

Hi dear family member, sometimes, like children, when we are scared silly, we act horrible to see who will stick around, who really loves us. Sit down with your mom, have a heart to heart, and ask her why she is so angry. Help her with this, or get her a counselor. She may think she is dying and no one cares. Communication is so important, and it often gets lost in the treatment shuffle, and cancer treatment takes so long, she may have the impression she is dying, and she sounds like she isn't. She needs a long heart to heart with you, and then with the onc and you, then at least one or two sessions a week with a therapist who specializes in long, drawn out illnesses.



I hear a great lack of communication. She may have thought she heard she was doomed, no one said anything different, so many ugly scenarios. So try to get to the bottom of this.



Gentle hugs, Shirlann