How do you cope with negative people?

I don't have any great words of wisdom here - my first reaction would be just to avoid her as much as possible. This is what caller ID was made for. Just don't talk to her unless you absolutely must. I know you'll have to see her during the holidays - hopefully you can spend most of your time with more positive family members.

Maybe you can print out some great bc articles and pass them on to your SIL so she won't have to do too much internet reading herself.

If she calls you with questions maybe your husband can give the responses back to her.  

There's no point lowering your behavior to her level, just like you pointed out. You can be a role model for her - showing her how a strong woman can go on with life gracefully through a difficult time. If she can't do the same, that is her choice. You can't control her bad behavior.

You can control how you react to her.

Good luck! 

Well, you certainly won't be identified by simply complaining about toxic family members!  LOL  There's plenty to go around.  I finally figured out how toxic my sisterinlaw is recently (rants are in my thread asking people about allergies to cats).  My mom is a perfectionist and worries about things that aren't even worth worrying about.  I had to take a timeout from my own mom during treatments. 

I hope there are others in your mil's life who can be there for her.  It sounds like the price is too high for you to be part of her support system.  You're still recovering from your own illness.  It would be better for you to help people who appreciate you.  People who don't, well, keep em at arm's length is my suggestion.   

Looks like you have been given allot of great advice!  It's a shame that your MIL made you feel bad at all going through BC.  Shame, shame.

I too have found out allot about myself and others going through this journey.  I am happy to say, almost everyone has been a positive force in my journey!  I had to get rid of the one negative..and that was my  new husband.  So I do know how you feel.

Just keep your distance as much as possible, and answer questions only if you have too.

I wish you a blessed Holiday...chin up...stay positive!!

xoxo

Lisa

that was what my grandmother used to say...she spoke very little English...but in her own way...it got across!  You can't change it my worring...so why bother.  'WORRY IS FOR SHIT" HAHA!

I think some people are just negative..no matter what generation or what they have gone through.  I have tried to stay clear from any and all!

You didn't say if your relationship with your MIL has always been strained or has just gotten that way since your bc. I know the situation is upsetting to you but if you've been close in the past perhaps your MIL is frightened and doesn't know how to react to the fear. Her age may also play a factor as that generation viewed things alot differently. Maybe you could refer her and your SIL to a different website for their information and just not mention that you belong to one. I know we all handle and react to situations different but she is elderly and I imagine quite frightened. Good luck with the Holidays.

I know that this sounds ridiculously simple, but it has been working for me, so I'll pass it on. I come in almost daily contact with a few invasive, negative people and, for a long time, I  would seethe inside and just want to kill them. Well, I still want to kill them, but the negative comments have begun to subside since I came up with a few zingers to try to stop them dead in their tracks. These are really just honest replies like "I don't really feel comfortable talking about that" or "Why do you want to know that?" (of course, that wouldn't work in your case because she has BC and wants to know your business to compare hers with it), or even just a blase "Wow, I just don't want to go there." The point is to hit the ball back to their court and try to make it so that they'll look really obnoxious if they pry any further. Having an audience always helps too.

~Marin

There is a lot of really good advice that has been posted here on this thread.  I am a fan of the school of thought that you can't change the toxic behavior of someone, but you CAN change the way you deal with them in order to minimize their toxic effect on you.  I had a very toxic mother and an estranged relationship with her for most of my life.  The only way i learned to protect myself was to limit the amount of information regarding my life that she had.  Otherwise, she would use any fact about my life against me in some kind of negative way (usually in public and in front of someone important to me). She was devastating.

I would set your boundaries ahead of time and not let your MIL hear anything about you that you don't want her to hear.  In fact, i would tell her that you do not feel comfortable discussing the subject of breast cancer.  If she asks you specific bc questions, divert her by telling her to ask her onc or doctors because you don't know the answer, or tell her what to look up on the internet.  I think it should be perfectly understandable that people may not want to talk about their illness or experience when they are recovering and trying to move beyond it.

Remember to not give away too much of yourself because you give away your own personal power or strength that way.   Good luck!!!! 

Sue, this seems very bizarre to me.  I would ask her why she is sending you such strange material. 

All of us had to put up with obnoxious behavior from friends/relatives.  I had more support from the ladies on these boards than my own family.  I found out who my true supporters were very quickly.

Catherine

Sue, send her an email that politely and formally requests that she not send you any further items related to cancer or dying.

Explain  that you have decided not be associated with people who discuss negative things and if she cannot help in this way, you will no longer be able to accept her emails.

Boundries.  It has to start with you.  It may sound harsh, but that is what I taught all my clients who were newly diagnosed.  I even wrote it out for them to carry in their wallets.

I carry the same thing in my wallet.

Sue, I have a lovely caring receptionist in the place where I work who always asks about my welfare.  She ran the Race for Life here in the UK with my name on her back and made lots of sponsor money for cancer research.

The other day she presented me with an "inspirational" story of someone who had bc and when I reached out to take it she informed me that the lady had died the day before.  Now I have read a few cancer journeys and was depressed and hopeless when they died and my doc advised me to give them a wide berth.  "They are not YOUR cancer journey" he said.

I refused to take the article, explaining as kindly as I could that it wasn't for me, and she couldn't understand my refusal.  I think I upset her, and I wouldn't have done that for the world, but I have to put myself first.  Sadly, it's how I keep positive and deal with this my own cancer journey.

Big hugs

Valerie S