Advice needed...

Donna...I'm so sorry that you and your family have to suffer like that. It occurs to me that though the details are different, your mother's grief isn't too different from that suffered by any parent of a child killed unjustly or under circumstances outside of their control (like almost all circumstances surrounding one's child's death, I guess). She feels powerless and guilty, regardless of her being completely blameless. As parents, we always feel that we should protect our kids, even when they're adults. And when they make decisions we disapprove of or choose lifestyles we consider wrong, we usually blame ourselves, to some degree. So she's grieving...deeply. Considering that, it seems that the best recourse might be to find her some support, preferably among other parents whose children have died violently. If that's not an option, maybe a clergyperson or a counselor who specializes in grief could help..?

My heart goes out to you, Donna. Hang in there, girl.

~Marin

Donna,

I am in agreement with MKE about getting your mother, and perhaps yourself and other family members, to get involved with the kind of group that deals with people whose family members have been lost to violence.  This kind of tragic event has so many highly-charged emotional issues involved that really have to be worked through.  Speaking with other people who have also been through this can help immensely.

Legally, i don't know what can be done to keep your brother's name clean.  That part might have to play itself out in the law system.  Perhaps others here have ideas that might help with that.  It might even be a good idea to have a consult with a lawyer.

Also, some counseling (group or individual) could be very helpful.

I am so sorry that you and your family have to deal with this tragedy.  I hope that you all are able to find peace with this tragic event.

celia 

I'm sorry for the loss of your brother. As some of the others have said, there are support groups for people who have lost loved ones through violence. As much as you and your family can, try to focus on your own grief and healing process, rather than on Bobbi, which isn't something you can control. I would not suggest going the PI route, because you might uncover some things that about your brother that you don't want to and even if you do find what you consider "evidence" that doesn't mean the police and DA will use it, which will just keep you embroiled and frustrated in the hows and whys of his death and focused on Bobbi rather than your own grief process which will prevent your healing. No matter what happens to Bobbi, your bro will still be dead and you'll have to deal with that at some point. You'll move closer to that point by focusing what you can control, rather than what you cannot.

What?  She moved into a battered woman's shelter AFTER she shot him?  That seems a little bizarre...no, it SEEMS BIZARRE! Why would she need the shelter after he was gone...no threats, etc.

My daughter used to work in a domestic violence shelter as the court advocate.  I never heard of anyone moving in AFTER the death of the partner.  It really does sound like a "strategy."   

I also find it amazing that she has collected his insurance before she is cleared. 

Nancy Grace is a pretty good idea.  You know many years her fiance was murdered?

Did this woman have bruises or anything on her to prove that she was being "violated?"  Had she EVER called out the police from ANYWHERE they had lived together? 

It makes me sick that anyone would use this excuse unless it were true.  Another thing that seemed strange was that your mom and he were no longer close AFTER this woman came into his life. 

I hope you, your dad and mom can find peace.  Do whatever you need to do to find that peace.

Hugs,

Shirley

Donna,

Has the DA shared with your family the reasons why they may be dropping the case?  As the family of the victim, I would think that you would have a right to know.  To Shirley's point, what evidence do they have that Bobbi was abused?  Were there bruises?  Was she ever treated by a doctor who suspected abuse?  Had she ever gone to a shelter before your brother's death?  On what basis is the case against her being dropped?  Do they actually have good evidence, or does it all come down to her coming across as a sympathetic character (one with great acting skills, obviously) and the DA fearing that they'll lose the case?

If you get the information and feel that it's not suggestive of abuse, then you'll be in a position to publicize what you know, whether it's going to a reporter, writing to the newspaper, contacting Nancy Grace, etc. 

Donna,

No matter what the DA decides to do about the criminal charges, you might want to check with a lawyer to see if you all can bring a civil lawsuit against her. Remember, OJ Simpson was found not guilty of the criminal lawsuit brought against him, but was found guilty in the civil lawsuit that the families brought against him.

Also, you said that this was your brother's third wife. Do you know if any of his previous wives claim to have been physically abused by him?  And, I agree with the others, I don't see how this woman was ever given any insurance money until after it's been determined that she wasn't criminally responsible for his death.

I thought the same thing about why she would check into a shelter AFTER the fact....why would she need protection if the person who was supposedly abusing her is no longer alive...Have you had a meeting with the DA to discuss all these things?

This sounds very similar to a case that was tried recently in a small town here in Tennessee. A preacher's wife shot and killed her husband (shot him in the back). She ran off with their three girls and was finally caught. She was brought back to Tennessee for trial and her lawyers claimed that she had been mentally abused (can't remember if they claimed physical abuse, too)...Any way, it was a big publicity trial (on national tv, so you may have heard about it). The woman received a very minor sentence and is now trying to regain custody of her children. Sounds very similar to what's going on with the woman who shot your brother. The entire town and church rallied around the woman who shot her preacher husband.  I never knew what to believe....but, I always thought it was a sad thing that the husband was not alive and able to defend himself. It all rested on what she claimed that he made her do, etc.

Again, I'm praying that your family will somehow find resolution and peace.

hugs,

vicki

Hi Donna, I'm so sorry to hear about your brother.  Is there any church you are affiliated with that you could go to, to talk to the pastor/minister?  I'm a pet loss grief counselor and I know many times it helps to talk things out to someone, maybe even join a support group for those that lost siblings or lost siblings to violence. I own Lymphland.com for lymphedema support and we talk about all sorts of topics and support each other on all aspects of life.  You are more than welcome to join us just to talk or vent. 

I would write things out too, start a blog on your brothers life, all the memories, good things, then share the events of the court case.  I would think there has to be some proof of abuse before they can just drop the case or plead to lesser charge. 

I feel so bad for your mom and family. 

hugs, Tina

I am so sorry for your and your family's loss.  I have read your responses and think you have gotten good advice.  My prayers are with you.

Donna I am sorry to hear of your loss. I hope that you and your family can find peace.  A memorium where you can post all the good things about your  brother is probably a good outlet.  I would avoid discussing the actual circumstances of his death, however.  This could look like something you don't want it to be.

There are so many women who suffer in silence...but there has to be some evidence of abuse to substantiate the murderess getting off.  Was she claiming self-defence? There'd still have to be evidence. If the trial is not over then none of the details can be fully disclosed can they?  She shot him so she is guilty of 1st degree or something.  It makes no sense that she could just get off. 

There's a situation going on right now where they exuming a woman that was married to a policeman.  Her death was called "accidental."  All but!  Now that his fourth wife is missing, they are checking into this fourth wife's "accidental" death.  By the reports of the medical examiner it sure didn't appear to be an accident.  Finally this family may get some justice.  If they had gotten this guy earlier this other wife may be still alive today.  Well, it's assumed at this point that she's dead.

I so hope that this woman that shot your brother gets what she deserves.  I don't know that I could stand by without talking to the DA before he lets her off.  I'd want to look at the police report that night and any evidence they could share with you. 

Good luck, Donna. 

Shirley

Hi Donna:



I can not add any advice

here, excellent input

but.. do send lots of

healing and special thoughts

to your Mom and also

to you.





Counselling, of course will help, and

perhaps in time she will go for same



Understandably, you and your Dad

need someone else to step in for this



Take good care



guess you are back now





Hugs,

--How about contacting the producers of 48 hours---they have brought national focus to

many unsolved cases and may put a fire under a reluctant Prosecutor.

My heart goes out to you and your family.

It seems like more sorrow than one family should have to bear in a lifetime.

Hugs,

Susie 

Donna, I really hate to say this, but it's my UNPROFESSIONAL opinion that if you do not try and find out the REAL story that this will stick with you.  I am usually sympathetic towards the woman, but in this case something stinks!

If you know the name of the insurance company, call them and tell them what you think.  That no one has given you proof that your brother had ever beaten her or had threatened violence against her the night of his murder.  YES, MURDER!

Okay, I didn't mean to stir up more fire and anger. 

Do what you need to do for yourself and, of course, your parents.

Hugs

Shirley