OT -- allergies to cat hair and other things

Thank you everyone for chiming in on this.  I am still undecided whether the sil really has allergies to cats.  All I know is she was the last to arrive at my house and the first to leave. 

In addition, she chose not to include herself and her daughter on the Saturday excursion to the beach.  The window of time available for it was a bit tight, and the reasons she cited were needing time to return to my Mom's house to get swimsuits and not wanting to feel rushed.  She opted to visit the beach the next day with my niece and didn't invite anyone else to go with them.  On the morning of their last day here, I was in the car with my Mom, the sil and the niece.  My Mom is hard of hearing and the niece has an exceptionally meek voice.  The configuration started out with my Mom driving, sil in front, niece in back.  As I take over the driving duty and Mom is heading for the back seat, sil leaps out of the front and insists that my Mom sit in front.  By this time I'm thinking, my gosh, this woman can't even stand to sit in the front seat with me for a 15 minute ride.  Or, did she not want my Mom to sit in the back seat with her only granddaughter?  

I feel like I'm in a persona non grata club.  I have witnessed this behavior between her and other family members.  For 20+ years I have believed that she and I got along fine with each other.  Boy am I ever slow at figuring things out!  It's sort of like a chinese water torture.  At what point does it change from being a steady drip of water on the forehead to being torture?  There probably isn't a tangible threshhold.  It's only possible to assess with some considerable hindsight and the realization that the stream has been steady for a long time. 

I compare how she behaves towards the family members who get the 'minimal toleration, if that' treatment.  I now realize she treats me the same way.  I am grieving the loss of the relationship that I thought I had with her.  By the time I work all the way through this, I doubt I will feel any sort of loss in the future if she leaves the planet, or if she and my brother were to get divorced.  I feel sad that she's so frosty to me.  I haven't done anything to deserve it.  While my effort in the relationship with her isn't voluminous, I can at least think of many examples.  When I try to think of examples of effort she has put forward into a relationship with me, I can think of two things.  Two pieces of effort in 20+ years, and I'm not even sure those two examples would hold up to much scrutiny.  So, at long last, I can take a hint.  If frosty is how she wants things, I can be at peace with that.  If there's one thing I learned from surviving cancer and its treatments, it's knowing the importance of keeping toxic people at arm's length.  Guess this thread took a big detour from allergies to cathair!

Thank you patrice.  I've always been of the mind that family is worth effort, even if you find them difficult or unlikeable.  In fact, the nephew who was here for the birthday falls into that category.  It's hard for me to admit I have a nephew I find difficult to like, but that's how it is. 

And it's because of this nephew that I finally had my moment of clarity.  I was noticing how frosty my sil is toward the nephew last year during a visit.  On Saturday, my nephew and I opened the door when sil and niece arrived.  The niece walked into the house and didn't even say hello, look at or acknowledge her cousin.  I don't have kids, so I don't know what typical behavior is.  She's 12, almost 13, and very quiet and shy.  I'll give the niece the benefit of a doubt.  My jaw was near to the floor.  My nephew said something like, well hello to you too.  

My sil came in next, and I'm not sure she said hello to the nephew either.  I was still reeling from the niece totally dissing her cousin.  That moment became the catalyst for me to see things clearly for the first time.  I saw how my sil treats people in the 'persona non grata club'.  That part has been going on for years.  It wasn't until this last weekend that I realized I was in the club too.  I just didn't know it any sooner.  

My relationship with my brother is pretty good.  Especially during treatments, he was a big source of encouragement and support for me.  When I visited them last year, I have to admit that the relationship suffered as a result.  My other brother got divorced, but I am still continuing my relationship with his exwife.  There was friction between those families for years.  When the divorce happened, my sil frosted out her ex-sil with no time wasted, and my brother was on board with it.  Because the frostiness had come into the open, I was beginning to take more notice.   My brother isn't frosty to me, but he has been toward my brother as a result of a tiff from 4 years ago.

I remember as I was visiting last year, I was observing a phone cord which started in the kitchen.  The cord stretched up one doorway, across the wall by the stove, and through the doorway to the dining room.   That cord literally had a half inch of dusty, fuzzy grime hanging from it!  My first impression as I saw it was, it would take YEARS to accumulate that much dust!  Since it's above the stove, perhaps it took less time.  But BECAUSE it's above the stove, I just can't fathom how someone can stand to cook underneath that kind of grime.  It's way beyond clutter.  Their house is filthy.  In my book, there's a difference.  Just clutter is bad for our health.  Filth is even worse.  Ok, I feel better now.  I'm done ranting now.