I can't get my act together and I don't know why
Comments
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patrice, I'm so glad you heard from your son and that he's ok. What an adventure he's having!
I can tell you are having a very difficult time. Someone once said to me "you can only move as fast as the slowest part of you can go." I know how distressing it can be to feel like a slug so much of the time. Yet, that's where we have to be as we recover from this devasting illness. At least for a while.
I was so certain I was finally kicking my fatigue to the curb last month. I was picking up steam, got my office decluttered. I was so certain things would be SO much better once my office decluttering was done. Well, I went right back to feeling fatigued! This is my reward for all that hard work?? grrrrr Then I realized I had slacked off on taking the magnesium supplements I started in August. If I'm suddenly able to get some things off my to do list this week, I'll come back here and let you know. There was a really good article somewhere about how a magnesium deficiency can actually make us feel depressed.
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Awwww, Patrice, you're so sweet.
If I had a scanner I could scan the pic of the kids on their mountain climbing trip. I believe my dd got her love of adventure from her dh. Next thing these kids will be doing is hunting big snakes! Shut my mouth!

Shirley
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I wanted to bump this thread because I enjoyed reading it so much when I was still too....whatever I was.....to post. I still can't get my act together...and I don't know why. *sigh*
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Hi. I have read some of this and i feel the same way. I am not new but I read is all. I thought I would take a chance and write but don't know what to say but I am over my treatments and still do not feel like the same person. Thank you for sharing.
p
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Glad to see this thread again - it seems we keep losing some of our favorite threads!
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i just fake having my act together ............... since nobody i care about seems to be fazed in any way.......... i just keep on keepin on!
it sure has taken it's toll though ..........
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Yeah Shel...I hear ya.... I have isolated myself so much that I don't know many people anymore but the ones I do don't ask how I am doing so I just plod on and keep on keepin' on like you do. Maybe that makes me stronger but I have found that often I feel like I am in a fog...like I'm numb or something. Just haven't got the energy to react often BUT when I do it's pretty dramatic
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gsg, I just read your first post. I feel just like that. I wrote a whole lot more but deleted it as I just can't bring myself to talk about it. Thank you for being so honest. I think you have helped many women by opening this discussion.
gb
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thanks for all the new posts in this thread! i'm in a hurry right now, so no time to address each one of you.
In the meantime, here's an update on all of the things i've accomplished in my house since i started this thread amost a year ago:
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LOL, Patrice. What you HAVE done is make us laugh.
I've done some decluttering, but now I'm stuck. Can't seem to focus on getting the rest done. Sometimes it seems when I declutter more clutter finds itself in my house!
hi5 says:
"....but I have found that often I feel like I am in a fog...like I'm numb or something. Just haven't got the energy to react often BUT when I do it's pretty dramatic."
hi5, I know exactly how you feel.
I was just talking about this with a couple of friends of mine who KNOW how I am. Shirley
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i told my mother today i may have thanksgiving dinner at my house to see if that will motivate me to whip this place into shape, but i told her not to say anything to anyone yet in case it doesn't. if i don't get it together, we'll all go out to dinner...which is what everyone thinks we're going to be doing this year. so it's nice to know i have an out....but it would also be nice to have everyone over here so i could see what my dining room table looks like. i haven't seen the top of it in over a year.
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wow...I am fairly new at this. Diagnosed in 3/07...8 chemo, 2 surgeries..no radiation. But reading this...made me feel like...yes...yes..I know what you mean. My house is fine, thanks to a loving family who hired someone to keep it clean. But my motivation...just not there. I work full time. Still have one daughter at home. But today, I thought...I feel like an alien. Like I am not myself. Sometimes I am sad, depressed...then happy and ok with things. I feel like I have no idea who I am. I have always been energetic, and goal oriented, but I dont know where that person is. I hurt, I am tired.....sorry..now I am babbling...good to know I am not alone in my feelings. Any help is greatly appreciated! Thanks!
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my3girls, you're normal...LOL What's normal?
Patrice, my dinning room table has boxes on it. Stuff that was my FIL's that I need to get rid of OR keep. He had these old home movies and put them on tapes. They're not very good, but I need to go through those or throw them out. I can't. My kids would probably like them. So, my "intention" is having those old 8 mm (is that what they're called?) put on discs for my kids.
Good luck on getting a little organized so you can fix Thanksgiving dinner. However, it's SO much easier just going out...no cleaning up afterwards. You know after you eat turkey that it makes you sleepy.


Shirley
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welcome to this thread, my3girls...i've decided to forgive you for having a clean house since it's not of your own doing. Seriously, though, it's awful feeling like an alien in your own life, isn't it? Unless someone has experienced it, it's impossible to describe it to those around us. It can cause guilt when we have a lot to be thankful for, but still...we have to recognize and "own" the fact that this is what we're going through and try to find our way back...or to....whatever our new normal is going to be. I'm not there yet one year later.
and, Shirley, I can always count on you to make me feel as though I am not alone.
Today my husband suggested/asked that I seek professional help for the obvious depression I'm going through. He's probably right. But here's my problem with that. I am soooo sick of going to doctors. It's all I can do to make my follow-up appointments for the breast cancer. I've been noncompliant with my thyroid appointments. I was supposed to drop by in October for a blood level check and didn't. I've been carrying a reminder card in my purse to schedule a 1-year follow-up with the radiation oncologist for a couple weeks now. still haven't made the appointment.
I've hit a wall. The thought of going to a doctor becomes OVERWHELMIMG for me. The appointments I have gone to, I lie and say "everything is great!" I had someone at work the other day tell me how good I look and he said, "It's because you are such a happy person." Oh what a fraud I am.
I cannot motivate myself to do anything. Right now I'm supposed to be on-line signing up for new insurance where my husband works. I've pushed it to the last minute. I can't motivate myself to look at their website. That too is overwhelming. I didn't file my taxes until October 15th, etc, etc.
I wish I could hire someone to handle/live my life for me until I'm able to resume it.
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p.s. i hope you know i was kidding about the "forgiving your clean house." i realized after i posted it, you don't know me or my (depraved) sense of humor.
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good news!!!!! we can't sign up for the insurance from home so my husband has to do it tomorrow. yessssssssssss!
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i'm happy about that and yet i'm sitting here at my computer crying. it's official. i'm completely crazy.
i'm going to go put clean sheets on my bed and pull them up over my head. love you girls-
Patrice
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Patrice, I sooooooo, soooooo know what you mean by ANOTHER doc's appointment or even making an appointment with a NEW doctor!!! I'm seeing my gyn for the first time since I've been dxd with bc....March '04. I must go. Oh, how I dread it. Plus I go to Duke..a litte over 2 hours way. How stupid is that!? I could find someone here, but I don't want to.
Most of us could use a therapist. I'm not liking myself one bit either. I'm moody as hell. I want to beat up my dh! Oh, I forgot, we need to make up our minds about which kind of insurance we want..either the cheaper monthly payments or the more expensive monthly payments. Our insurance will not be nearly as good as in the past. That's whole 'nother story that I have been so upset over.
But thanks for reminding me!
Okay, I need to go. Tomorrow is a big day.

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good luck tomorrow, shirley. i hope everything is fine for you gynecologically speaking. isn't it fun hearing "now scoot down"? LOL.
i can completely relate to your feelings with regard to beating up your husband. i've become very unreasonable. i hate the person i've become. i lash out and later have such regrets...and then i do it again. i can't control it. i've never been like this before. i worry sometimes i'll never find even a sliver of the old me again. breast cancer didn't kill me...and yet it took my life.
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Well tarnation, I just typed a long message and my browser crashed. I was making some suggestions for things you might try to feel better. Now I'm wondering if the universe is telling me to keep my mouth shut. Anyway, patrice, I echo your dh's concern about the depression. I personally am adamantly opposed to taking antidepressants to feel better. After a very long time of trying this and that, I feel like I'm finally getting the upper hand in how I feel. I don't know if my browser is going to crash again, so I'll stop here and just put the ball in your court. If you want some of my suggestions, you gotta ask! ...and am I correct in assuming you object to taking antidepressants?
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None of this seems real like it isn't happening to me. Tha gal who talked about the fog is so right. I should be going on with my life but I'm disconnected to life. I was at that club where they used to be real nice on here because I read alot. They say they welcome everyone but I was made fun of and they didn't believe me. They said next time to be from the North and not be country? I posted on this thread a little the other night but I have been mostly a reader. I am struggling just like everyone else is. I feel that same fog and my husband isn't understanding. I don't have anyone. Thank you.
Mary Pet
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Mary Pet: I'm very sorry you had a bad experience elsewhere. You are welcome in this discussion at any time. It's horrible feeling alone...as if there is no one who understands the fog. Here, we do. Open up about your frustrations and struggles here, and I promise you, you will not be judged. While our shoes are all different sizes, it seems many of us are walking in the same ones.
Althea: I've had the same thing happen where I'ved typed something long and had it disappear. You just want to aaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!!!!! Thank you, though, for taking the time to type something out for me.
I'm not against antidepressants at all. I've never needed them before. I've seen firsthand how they've helped others around me. My problem is getting it together to ask for them. I don't want to talk about my issues with my doctors. I don't talk about them with anyone in my life. This is the only place I open up. Anyone who knows me...except my husband...would be surprised I authored this thread. As I've said, outside the house, I'm pretty happy and functioning. It's when I get home & I'm alone with my feelings that things go south.
I'm happy you're getting things figured out, and I'm open to any and all suggestions that will get me there too.
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Love this thread.
You girls make me laugh.
While I cry.
Yet, I'm sleeping, I think. It's a dream, right?
Wish I could wake up.
We're all crazy together!!

Now...if I could just find my F#$%ing ruby red slippers!
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I've faked having it together for years. And since bc 3 yrs ago I've had to fake it even more. My pcp giving me zoloft has helped, but I am out of that and my husband switched jobs and we are waiting on his insurance cards to get here. Today was just really hard to fake being sane. It just seemed like pick on me day at work. Maybe the zoloft just brightens them all and today I truly saw them again. It just all really got to me today and by the time it was time to go home I was almost in tears. Hopefully tomorrow is a better day.
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Hey Patrice - I finally got the nerve to talk to my PCP about an antidepressant. When he came in the operatory, he commented on how great I looked and I must be feeling better. I had decided that night to ask for some kind of help because I couldn't stand feeling the way I did any longer. Anyway..he gave me a sample of effexor and I started taking it that night. It has really helped. I still am not my old self - and maybe I never will be - but at least I am able to function better. I actually have started cleaning my house again and have been able to rekindle some old interests. I explained to my GP how embarrassed I was about not being able to handle life and he was totally understanding. He said to me that I never had to take tamoxifen before, but my health and body have changed, so taking a mood enhancer is just another step in healing. Going through BC is physically draining and also emotionally challenging. I finally had to admit that I owed it to my family to try to feel better, and I also owed it to myself. We have all fought very hard to get through tmt, now we have to do whatever it takes to find something to make us feel better. I have also joined a support group for people in tmt and people finished with tmt. It really helps to just hear that the feelings I'm having are not unusual. I have made some wonderful friends and have started to finally feel better about myself and have hope that things will gradually improve. I have terrific friends, but unless you have experienced cancer, you can't understand the aftermath. Sharing with people who understand, really helps. THis is much longer than I intended, but I really feel for you and totally understand how you are feeling. I hope things get better for you soon. - Sandy
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dont worry gsg...I dont take it personally. I do like my house clean, and I keep up on it in between cleanings. But everyone is different. I do understand the fog part. I have to say ladies, and I hope I don't offend anyone...but the one thing that has helped me keep a positive attitude, and work through the thoughts, is prayer. I know it may sound cliche..but I find the days I take the time to speak to Him, my day is so much richer, and I feel as thought I can cope!
I don't want to preach, by any means, it is just what helps me, and I wanted to share it with you. I wish all the best to everyone.
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dont worry gsg...I dont take it personally. I do like my house clean, and I keep up on it in between cleanings. But everyone is different. I do understand the fog part. I have to say ladies, and I hope I don't offend anyone...but the one thing that has helped me keep a positive attitude, and work through the thoughts, is prayer. I know it may sound cliche..but I find the days I take the time to speak to Him, my day is so much richer, and I feel as thought I can cope!
I don't want to preach, by any means, it is just what helps me, and I wanted to share it with you. I wish all the best to everyone.
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I just love this thread. I don't even have to type anything, gsg and others say everything I'm too tired to
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I'm at work and have to make this fast.
juanita: I hope you had a better day today.
Sandy: Thanks so much for that post. It really hit home with me.
My3girls: Please come clean my house.
ItsLisaLouWho & EyesofTex: Thanks for the comments!

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I do not want to hear about clean houses. We are almost to the hazmat suit stage here. At present it is impossible to get from the front hall to the living room because there is a stack of stuff to go to Goodwill (it's been there for a few weeks). I am months behind on filing stuff, still haven't done last years tax return, just sent them a check saying this should cover it, my passport has expired - I could go on. But I still cook. It's the only thing I do, but I cling to that little bit of competence.
Patrice, I took note of your comment about thyroid appts. We have thyroid problems here. One son is hypo, another hyper. The hyper one isn't much of a problem. The hypo one isn't a problem exactly, but when he gets moody I know to ask if he's seen his doctor lately, usually it means he's been off his meds or they need to be adjusted. Doctor appts are a pain - but do go for the thyroid thing, it might make a difference.
Take care
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