The other shoe?

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Anonymous
Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
edited June 2014 in Life After Breast Cancer

Hi my chicas....I've been trying to remain mute regarding my 6-month follow-up with bilateral mammo tomorrow, but I ended up with nightmares last night and realize that I'm pretty nervous. Two years ago, I had just started rads, after having completed chemo and a lumpectomy. I was completely bald, including no eyebrows or eyelashes, as you would expect. But I was happy and optimistic and really & truly taking things a day at a time. Since finishing treatment, I've become more and more self-confident, both in general as well as in terms of remaining NED. And last month, I met a man, a man who has triggered in me feelings that I'd forgotten ever having experienced because the last time was back in my teens. Things have been so good and just seem to be getting better & better. I KNOW that you all know where I'm going with this.....I'm absolutely terrified that, in the flash of just one moment tomorrow, everything will change and will just wipe all of the happiness and optimism right out of my life! I can't shake this and really needed to share it with you who know that feeling....the one where you're just waiting for that other shoe to drop.

UGHHHH, I so freakin' HATE this disease!!!!! Yell Yell Yell

~Marin

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  • ADK
    ADK Member Posts: 2,259
    edited November 2007

    Aw, Marin,

    I hope everything goes well tomorrow and things continue going great for you.  Remember - worrying about it won't change a thing.  DEEP BREATH!!!!!  {{Cyberhugs}}

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited November 2007

    Marin.....

    yep, thats the way it feels....once we seem to be getting our lives back and are happy again one of these appts come up and we live in that fear factor again!!!!

    I hate it too......I have a 6 month follow up with onco the 16th so am walking in your shoes again girl...but ya know what? I know that Im ok walking in your footprints cause I know everything is going to be just fine at your appt and all this fear really is for nothing!!!!!......

    Hugs

    Jule

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  • NoH8
    NoH8 Member Posts: 2,726
    edited November 2007

    Whenever I get anxious about that, I try to remind myself that I don't want any regrets of wishing I had done this or that, had said this or that differently or told someone I cared. We're going to live with uncertainty for the rest of our lives. Some of the people who post here will not live to a normal life expectancy due to cancer and that's so very sad. Worrying isn't going to change our outcomes, just make us miserable. Try some positive self talk, it really works.

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  • caaclark
    caaclark Member Posts: 936
    edited November 2007

    Marin,

    Boy, do we all know what you are talking about!!  I feel EXACTLY the same way.  I don't normally suggest drinking to others but maybe a nice cosmo tonight would help.  You know, sort of a celebration preview for how you will feel tomorrow after your appointment is over.  I really don't have any other words of wisdom except to tell you that what you are feeling is perfectly normal but I know you probably already know that.  Try to distract yourself as much as possible today and take lots of deep breaths.

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  • LisaSDCA
    LisaSDCA Member Posts: 2,230
    edited November 2007

    Marin, hon - you will cruise in there tomorrow, let them give 'em both a good squeeze, and get on out. 'Cause it sounds like you got some waaay better things to be doing right now, woman! Kiss

    The anxiety is natural - but look at it, name it, give it no power. That is all it is: worry. It's not a disease, not a diagnosis. You are already a two year survivor. Just keep on doing that. We're with you.

    Now, go have some FUN!

    Lisa

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  • Calico
    Calico Member Posts: 1,108
    edited November 2007

    Marin,

    I can't take the fear away but know how you feel ;)

    Especially when you feel good like now, you think it could end with the cruel disease striking again.

    You live a healthy life style, exercise etc., you are doing everything right. Please take comfort in that. The odds are so low....you will be fine!

    I will be thinking of you tomorrow!!!

    Here is to a all clear mammo!!!

    God Bless

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  • Diana_B
    Diana_B Member Posts: 287
    edited November 2007

    Hi Marin,

    I'm sorry you're going through this - I'm exactly the same too. It's awful imagining yourself thrust back into the treatment world.

    I'm with caaclark - a glass of wine and perhaps try to be with friends this evening?

    Darya 

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  • iodine
    iodine Member Posts: 4,289
    edited November 2007

    Hi Kiddo, just hangin' in there with ya.  Got it all crossed, and will be waiting with baited breath till you come back with an all clear!

    We all know the crappy feeling, and wish we could take it from you, but you'll be ok when it's over.,

    Hugs.

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited November 2007

    Aww, Marin! Best of luck tomorrow. And I second the notion that some wine may make getting through the night a little easier...



    Now, tell us about this GUY :o)

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  • Harley44
    Harley44 Member Posts: 5,446
    edited November 2007

    Marin,

    I know the feeling.  I am just getting through my treatment, since my chemo ended last month, and my breast reconstruction is scheduled for Wednesday --  oops... that is the day after tomorrow!  YIKES! 

    Well, just as my life is starting to settle down, I can't help but think about that, too... 

    Try to relax...  We will all be thinking about you, and waiting to hear the "ALL CLEAR!"    That glass of wine sounds good to me right now, too.  It may help with my pre-surgery jitters!Laughing

    Hugs,

    Harley

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  • pconn03
    pconn03 Member Posts: 643
    edited November 2007

    Marin:

    Sending all good wishes for perfect results tomorrow !!!  Each of us knows exactly what you are feeling but just know also that we are all "out here" for 'ya.

    God bless,

    Pat

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  • Binney4
    Binney4 Member Posts: 8,609
    edited November 2007

    Marin, how wonderful that you have someone new in your life! Just the thought of him makes you smile all over, right? I'm grinning right now just thinking about it! Thanks so much for sharing your joy with us all.

    Oh, and I'm sorry about your having to deal with the "scaries" tomorrow. I've been hanging around these boards a long time and know that because of our ever-lovin' "history" the mammo folks often look real closely at our films. And as a result a lot of us have gotten the dreaded "call back" for more views or (gasp!) ultrasounds -- and still ended up with an all-clear in the end. So no matter what goes on tomorrow, hang on to your smile -- you've got plenty of reason to flash it!

    All best,

    Binney 

    P.S. to Harley - Best wishes for smooth sailing on Wednesday. Whew! Almost finished!

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  • hymsie
    hymsie Member Posts: 31
    edited November 2007

    Hang in there, honey.  The wines not a bad idea, and prayer might help if you think He hears you (I do.)  I just started this journey a month ago, and I guess once the cancer hits, the fear never totally leaves you.  Just have to sing and dance and do something else, even clean the toilet, so the fear won't take hold....I guess.  Blessings to you. 

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  • Bren-2007
    Bren-2007 Member Posts: 6,241
    edited November 2007

    Hey there Miss Marin,

    I know what you're talking about!!!  Fear is the worst SE the beast brings us. Well, you know what ... F--- him!!

    From what I've read, the second year mamms are the worst for bringing out our very most primitive fears.  So, in a sense, you're very normal.  But that doesn't lessen them does it. 

    I love you gal ... always like to read what you share, cause I can sense your joy of living.  Cancer is just a bunch of haywire cells that would try to rob us of our sense of security, peace and joy. 

    Are we supposed to moderate our level of happiness in the off chance we might get a recurrence? I say NO NO NO! 

    I love it that you've found someone to be a teenager with all over again.  Rock and roll girlfriend.  Hold your head up high and own that mammo tomorrow.  You're gonna ace it!!

    I'm holding you in my heart tonight and tomorrow.

    Love,

    Brenda in VA 

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  • Fitztwins
    Fitztwins Member Posts: 7,969
    edited November 2007

    Yeah, I totally emphasize with you honey. I called to make my mammo and was just sick to my stomach. Then having to rehash,

    Yes, diagnostic, no Right only, yes..history of BC.

    I hate it, it doesn't get easier, and it just sucks!

    Deep breath, glass of wine (or juice), and you good thoughts that it will be okay.

    Janis

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited November 2007

    EXCELLENT NEWS, my wonderful girlfriends....ALL CLEAR, N...E....D!!!!!!!!!! I spent last night reading your supportive words and, with tears running down my cheeks, resolved to be strong, knowing I could make it through whatever news I got today because you were all here to hold me up. And, so, oddly, I felt completely calm this morning. And it turned out to be the cleanest, least worrisome clinical evaluation I've EVER had! No extra views (WHAT???!!!) and nothing even remotely strange or suspicious on exam. I was terrified that she'd find something and, ya know, do the hesitate-and-linger thing with that look on their faces? Nothing but smiles. OMG, I feel so incredibly grateful for yet another reprieve, another chance to make my life what it's intended to be, to make it count by becoming a loving compassionate inhabitant of our planet!

    Thank you so much, everyone, for being here when I needed you!!! Please know that any one of you can count on me to do the same for you! I just SO love you all!!!!

    ~Marin

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  • ADK
    ADK Member Posts: 2,259
    edited November 2007
    WHOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!Laughing
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  • ravdeb
    ravdeb Member Posts: 3,116
    edited November 2007

    That's terrific! Now, enjoy that new man in your life!

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  • myrenewal
    myrenewal Member Posts: 203
    edited November 2007

    YEAY!!  Wonderful to hear all is well!

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  • caaclark
    caaclark Member Posts: 936
    edited November 2007

    Marin,

    I just logged on specifically to see if you had posted.  So glad things went well!!  Yippeee!! Now is it time for a drink?? :)

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  • pconn03
    pconn03 Member Posts: 643
    edited November 2007

    Marin:

    Alleuhia !!!!!!

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited November 2007

    Hooray!! Happy to hear such good news - but don't think you're off the hook about said gentleman caller. We want the scoop!

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  • shorfi
    shorfi Member Posts: 791
    edited November 2007

    Marian...so glad to hear happy news. I'm like you too...hate that hesistate and linger look, but sooo glad you didn't get it.

    La chica que usted necesita salir y celebrar hoy. ..and que beberé para usted esta noche. La manera de ir.

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  • Beesie
    Beesie Member Posts: 12,240
    edited November 2007

    Marin,

    Great news!  Smiling bright for you!  Cool

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited November 2007

    You sweet, sweet ladies! In response to Felicia's insistence that I dish about my new man, I'll say that he has me swooning and feeling all tingly.....and those are reactions so very foreign to me that I thought I was getting sick at first Surprised! And here's the hilarious part....cynical ole me met him ONLINE!!! I swear I did! I was getting ready to give up on that 'silliness' when I saw his little 'smile' (like a wink on match.com) in my inbox and clicked on his profile. Superficially, he didn't seem at all 'my type' except that he's into fitness and staying in shape, but there was just something about him. So I 'smiled' back and we started emailing, then he phoned me, we had brunch a few times, went to a museum and last weekend, he made dinner for me at his house. It was wonderful (not the dinner, him...oh, the dinner too!)!!! I guess you could say that I'm right smitten, girls! He's just so gentle and thoughtful and respectful and mature and affectionate and....you knew this was coming, didn't you.....totally hot!!!!! CoolAnd, of course, I'll be keeping y'all posted!

    Now off to celebrate....as instructed!!!!

    ~Marin

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited November 2007

    Marin, I am so pleased to hear that all went well with your mammo.

    It's SUCH a relief to get these "necessary" tests over with.  Now, have fun with the new man in your life!

    Shirley

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited November 2007

    Marin - I'm smiling for you, girl! So happy to hear that you are happy! Watch that tingly feeling, though - especially when it involves HOT fella. It'll make you do things, lol...



    I'm high fiving my computer screen :o)



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  • celia088
    celia088 Member Posts: 2,570
    edited November 2007
    Yippeeeeeee!!!!!
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  • honeygirl
    honeygirl Member Posts: 1,718
    edited November 2007
    Marin , Horray ! What great news. Now , take "the other shoe" and throw it waaaaay out into the ocean and go have some great fun with that new man in your life. I am so happy for youSmile. Hugs , Melody
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  • Diana_B
    Diana_B Member Posts: 287
    edited November 2007

    Fantastic! I'm so happy for you!

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