Post traumatic stress syndrome

Options
Kayla
Kayla Member Posts: 15
edited June 2014 in Life After Breast Cancer

It's almost two years since my diagnosis. A year since post-mastectomy infection that knocked me out of work. Six months since my husband came through his own life-threatening health ordeal. Four months since I started back at work in a high-level demanding job. Six weeks since I was treated for Lyme disease and a few days since I was finally given the all clear on the MRSA (resistant staph infection), which I finally cleared up from my feet. I'm hitting a wall. Crying jags. Feeling disappointed and guilty that I'm not jumping for joy at being alive. Blowing up at my adolescent son, who is probably going through some of his own PTSD after having lost nearly two parents in two years. I am feeling beyond anxious. I'm having difficulties falling asleep and staying asleep. I'm fearful that my state of mind will lose me my job - the one that supports my family. I already have a call in to my doctor, so I don't need to hear that I might need medication. I know that. I am willing to do whatever I need to do.



Has anyone else gone through this? I am logging in under a new name, because I am paranoid about colleagues finding me on here, but I have to admit I was a regular on this site, until I got caught up in taking care of my husband. And I also have to admit, that I kind of wanted to walk away clean from this community, not because I didn't get nurturing and support, but because I just didn't want to feel like cancer had a lifetime grip on me. I just wanted it to be over. I wanted to close the book and get on with my life. Dammit, it's really got a hold on me, after all. At least the experience of it, even healing and recovering from it, does. I just wanted to move on, but I guess I haven't dealt head-on with the devastation, the loss, the sense of insecurity, the fear, the loss of confidence. And I think there are expectations that I should be extremely grateful and beatifically saintly as a result of my experience. I am so not. I'm not grateful. I'm pissed, hurt, sad, depressed. I feel old before my time. I feel exhausted and stupid and snarly and cranky. Today. Right now. Thanks for listening to me unload. It's a weight I can't carry by myself anymore.

· Share on FacebookShare on Twitter

Comments

  • Loriwarrior
    Loriwarrior Member Posts: 20
    edited October 2007

    Kayla-

    I hear where you are at.  At least for this moment here and now this is how you feel.  What I know is that this too shall pass. It's tough to look dx and the future in the face and keep on smiling. You get a star if your "doing great" and you get one taken away if you behave in a human way. I noticed your post re PTSD, as I have a diagnosis of PTSD that has been treated years ago and it took me back.

    My husband was sick for a year 5 years ago and now we are dealing with my dx and tx.  Lot's of unknowns, but I find that the more I learn about whats going on the better I feel.  I don't feel great just satisfied that I am doing what I can with what I have and am taking things as they come one day at a time.

    I hope you can find your way to a little peace tonight.  Maybe some hot tea and a hot bath?

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • LizFL
    LizFL Member Posts: 377
    edited October 2007

    You have been through a lot in the last two years and you have probably been pushing yourself to keep going and do the things you needed to do.  After dealing with all the problems you are probably totally worn down. You need to slow down and take care of yourself.  Hopefully your doctor will prescribe medication that will help.

    Is it possible for you to get away for a short vacation? Sounds like you really need a break.

    Hugs,

    Liz

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited October 2007

    Oh my, Kayla!  If I were in your situation I would be probably feeling exactly the way you do.  You are no super woman.  There IS NO SUCH PERSON!  The more you hold it "in" the worse YOU are going to feel.  That means mentally feel.  You've dealt with the illnesses, but haven't dealt with your emotional needs.

    Yep, you know what you need to do and that's just what you're doing...getting in touch with your doctor.  Sleep deprivation is horrible.  I've been there, done that!  That in itself can wear on one's nerves...AND you are working a high-level demanding job!?  And then feeling guilty for being less than a perfect mom to your son is another load you are carrying.  You've got so much on you.

    I'm glad you came here.  I hope your doctor can get or give you the help you so need.  Perhaps he can prescribe something for your nerves and for sleep until you can, if you need, get other meds which may take longer to get into your system.

    Hang in there, gal.  You ARE going to get through this.

    Shirley 

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • chemo072
    chemo072 Member Posts: 682
    edited October 2007

    Hey Kayla -

    Thank goodness the MRSA is gone!!

    Whew. 

    And it's only been a few days since you got that news?  It seems like a crying jag is entirely normal.  

    For what it's worth, my family had years where every 3 months something traumatic would happen, sometimes the incidents doubled up on each other (for instance, grandma died and mom dxed with breast cancer, all on the same day; during my baby niece's hospitalization my father witnessed a city bus drive off a bridge, etc. etc. etc. ad nauseum), so we've dealt with a bunch of the fallout.  Mostly what happened to us is the inability to relax, constantly living in "crisis" mode. 

    On the measures of stress scale, my score was in the several 100s for years running.  My guess is that yours is off the charts as well.  Anyways, big hugs to you.  Things will get better.

    Also, I'm part of an group that deals with a LOT of PTSD - families whose children need/get liver transplants. What they've said that works:

    * journaling (blogging works for me) or scrapbooking (in fact, read here for a funny story about a woman who was losing it and the nurse that saved her)

    * group therapy (telling your story, realizing that the story is shared), Belleruth Naparstek's workshops & CDs, emotional freedom technique (sounded woo-woo to me but it actually made me feel better),

    * swimming in Hawaii ;)

    * therapy - the kind that examines what's happened in the past, not just the kind that only looks at the present and the future. 

    Personally I'm curious about Playback Theatre, but not sure how it'd work for breast cancer.   

    And I know you don't want to immerse yourself in the world of cancer, but I went on the Harmony Hill cancer retreat and it actually helped a lot.  Just to be taken care of for 3 days made a huge difference for me personally.  At first it was confronting because it was so much cancer, but after a few days that just became a given and I got to find out more about all the amazingly talented women at the retreat.  Plus it was free.

    Also, one of my strategies has been to overlay the trauma with a really good experience - so, for instance, 1.5 years in to the string of traumas, a friend convinced me to go to Thailand for a few weeks.  Best move I made that year - all those positive images and experiences are etched into my memories just as much as the trauma.  Plus having something to look forward to really helped. 

    Hope you feel better, and that time helps. 

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • JoyRebecca
    JoyRebecca Member Posts: 787
    edited October 2007

    I know all about that wall...

    It's going to sound kind of crazy, but I got a wiffle ball bat and when I'd get in the frame of mind where that wall just loomed in my face, I'd beat the crap out of my mattress as hard as I could for as long as I could, imagining that I was really kicking the crap out of cancer. It worked great.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Kayla
    Kayla Member Posts: 15
    edited October 2007

    Thank you all for sharing and soothing me.  I did take a bath and drank chamomile tea last night. I slept pretty well.  I will look into all of your recommendations.  Am going to get a healing massage tonight and go back to a group that I went to last year for people facing life-threatening disease. 

    I totally related to Amya's post.  I didn't even mention our two elderly, frail mothers, who were both hospitalized during the last year, my older sister, who is going in for back surgery next week - I'll be taking care of her three kids while she's in the hospital, or my son's chronic illness... So I guess it's kind of normal that I'd be totally strung out.  That is actually a comfort.  I keep putting all sorts of pressure on myself. Shirley totally got my number.  I have tried to be the star of my own action-thriller-soap opera for too many years. It's time to get human.

    Lori, I'd love to know how to get through PTSD.  Liz, I'd love to get away for a vacation, but already did in August, which clearly wasn't enough.  And Joy, the wiffle bat idea sounds great, but I don't trust myself with any "instruments of violence" for the time being.  I'm afraid I might use the bat on anyone who crossed me right now.

    Just admitting how bad I was feeling was a huge relief.  I've been hesitant to tell my friends or family members who supported me through all of our woes, how bad I've been feeling, because I thought I'd leaned on them too much already and was tired of whining.

    Thank you all so much.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited October 2007

    Kayla,



    There's a lot to be said for sweating - getting physical, if you will - as well.



    For me, the physical drug of choice was karate, which I started during radiation. Beating the living hell out of something and screaming as loud as humanly possible was VERY good for me. In fact, I think that if I would not have started karate when I did, someone in my immeidate family would have been hurt (for real!).



    Science points to all the endorphins and such that flood the body when you are physically active. Not sure about all that, but I do know that it feels great to be able to move, bend, stretch, sweat and scream. Your plate sounds pretty full right now, but maybe you can squeeze in a dance, aerobics or kickboxing class once a week. Looking forward to a physical activity helped me get through many a week during and after treatment. If cost is an issue, check out town community and senior centers as many offer free or extremly low-cost classes. Your insurance might also offer a re-embursement or credit for gym membership or classes.



    All the best to you. I hope life's upswing begins for you soon :o)

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • silvergirl9114
    silvergirl9114 Member Posts: 381
    edited October 2007

    Kayla--

    Too many of us have been down this road where BC is the final straw. Within several years my niece was murdered, my crazy ex husband threatened to have me done in, my Mom died, my daughter was nearly killed in an accident---etc, etc, you get the picture. Since I am Wonder Woman, I didn't even realize I was having a problem until SO and I went to couples' therapy because we were fighting a lot (well, duh). PTSS is no fun but I was doing my level best to pretend the elephant wasn't there.



    Several things worked to get my head back together----I destroyed an exercise bike. It wasn't so much the exercise but the feeling less strung out afterwards that helped.



    Talking it out and allowing myself to feel what I was feeling---we are not bulletproof and these experiences really bring that fact home. We can't take care of others if we aren't taking care of ourselves first and I viewed this as self care.



    Massage therapy---I was carrying everything in my spine and shoulders and this really helped. As my massage lady said, "our bodies always remember even if we think we forgot".



    And last of all---tincture of time. I'm 2 1/2 years out (almost) and find that recognizing the PTSS, working to detox the experiences and just waiting have helped. You do get caught in that constant fight or flight response but it can be moderated once you see it for what it is. I still get crazy every time my onc looks at me funny but hey----there isn't a CA patient alive who doesn't do that.



    We're here for whatever you want to tell us.



    Jeannie

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • althea
    althea Member Posts: 1,595
    edited October 2007
    I recently read Invisible Heroes by Belleruth Naparstek.  It is really a great book for healing.  I highly recommend it.  It shares how to use guided imagery to heal from ptsd. 
    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter

Categories