feeling lost about comforting partner

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flyhigh21
flyhigh21 Member Posts: 11
edited June 2014 in Caring for Someone with Breast cancer

My fiance has been under rad treatments and previously chemo. She is having treatments done in europe. I know she is exhausted and there has been times where she has not spoken to me in over a week. I asked her yesterday if she wanted me to stop saying anything affectionate and she pretty much said yes. She also said just seeing couples holding hands makes her nauseous. I can only imagine what she is feeling since she wont talk about anything serious and I do not want to stress her. She has about 2 weeks of treatments left. I have heard of patients losing sexual desire for a while but what about not wanting emotional connections? This radiation therapy is making me feel like im almost losing her and not to the cancer. I dont know what to do. Any family, partners or cancer treatment patients out there that can give some advice or info??  I would greatly appreciate it.

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  • cancerhater
    cancerhater Member Posts: 7
    edited October 2007

    just hang in there. my mother was like that. it got to the point where she did not want to get out of bed. she argued with her own mother (my grandmother) when she would go to her house to take care of her, and tidy up the house and even cook for her. my mom was angry at the world. she put the cancer into remission and she realizes that she should not of been so mean to my grandmother..... hang in there.

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  • maddie103
    maddie103 Member Posts: 24
    edited October 2007

    My mother-in-law (69 yrs old) was diagnosed with Stage 4 bcmets to liver in May 2007 (original stage 1 dx was March 2003 - had masectomy and was taking Arimidex) - cancer still came back.

    Anyway, since her Stage 4 dx, it has really changed how she deals with her family & friends.  She lives by herself (divorced for many years) so it is up to her son (my hubby) and her daughter to check up on her and take care of her.  She can be downright mean with them sometimes whenever they make a comment and/or suggestion (not cancer related either, just in general).  She has withdrawn a lot too.  For example, we used to see her on a regular basis and now she hardly returns phone calls and barely leaves her apartment (unless it is for a medical appointment).  She makes plans to do things with her daughter and son but when the time comes to put the plan in action (i.e. they will pick her up and take her to one of their houses), she won't answer the phone and avoids them.  She lives in an affordable housing senior high-rise and it is a secure building and you can't even surprise visit her (she won't answer the buzzer to let them in).

    I don't want to discourage you, your fiance may come around.  Sometimes my MIL has moments where she'll let family reach out to her.  My hubby was away for the weekend with our son and my MIL welcomed a visit from me and her 2 year-old granddaughter.

    You would think people facing Stage 4 cancer would reach out to loved ones for their emotional support.  But it seems everyone deals with it differently - like my MIL who puts this wall up around her and rarely accepts any help, love and support (even though she definitely needs it).

    Good luck to you and your fiance.  I hope she comes around to take advantage of the love and support you want to give her.

    Linda - PA

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  • Shirlann
    Shirlann Member Posts: 3,302
    edited October 2007

    I would gently suggest anti-depressants.  They are a miracle.  It is hard, but her life will improve and you will get your girl back. 

    I don't know quite how you go about mentioning this, but talk to her onc/doc and see if maybe they will suggest it.  Push it. 

    She is withdrawing due to excessive stress and depression.  Very common with cancer patients.  They just get so far down, no one can reach them.

    So try to put in a call and speak to her doc/onc privately, tell them just what you are saying here and ask for their help.

    This will work, if you can get her to cooperate.

    Gentle hugs, Shirlann 

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  • flyhigh21
    flyhigh21 Member Posts: 11
    edited October 2007

    thank you for the comments cancerhater, maddie103, Shirlann. I really would like to talk to her doc but she has not given me any info and I doubt she would. But I will try and ask about any info about her doc. I found myself getting ready to say stupid things to her. This is very difficult. I know it is very difficult for her but in a way im going through it with her. I believe I will be here for her no matter what but part of me feels at a loss because I do not feel the love that I felt with her in the past. I know that it is very most likely the treatments but it is still painful. I am here and she is over a thousand miles away going through this so I cannot see her face and I cannot sense the same way I would if we were near each other.

    I am left feeling rather pathetic because I have never felt this way about anybody else and I cannot even stop for more than 15 minutes without starting to feel I am going crazy. And I certainly cant tell her how I feel, I actually think that would be selfish of me to do so.

    I really am greatful for the comments. It reminds me that she's just not herself.

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  • Shirlann
    Shirlann Member Posts: 3,302
    edited October 2007

    Dear Flyhigh, don't for one second feel that this disease is any easier on the loved ones than it is on the patient. Sometimes I think the loved ones have a harder road.



    Keep on loving her, she will come back, it is just so draining, you have no energy/mojo/courage/interest, take your pick, to do anything. It is awful and she is at the bottom right now.



    So try to hang on, she will come back, and God bless you for who you are.



    Gentle hugs, Shirlann

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