Oogy Feeling

I have bounded and blundered along, since my dx 4 years ago last July.Paying attention mostly to my SEs from Femara, and my hopes to live a full  life as a chemically-produced 90 year old.

I see my onc every 3 months.But I've almost forgotten why.

So yesterday I was in a Dollar Store.I like to buy black Halloween socks for $1.

And at the door were piles of plastic Trick or Treat loot holders.Plastic buckets, colored orange and looking like pumpkins, colored black & looking like witches cauldrens, colored white with ghost faces.

And it all came back to me in a flood of horror.

How I was terrified to begin chemo.It was right around now, my first tx.

The terror came pouring back when I saw those buckets.I remembered how I had bought one.A simple white one (with a ghost face).Which I couldnt believe I wouldnt need to carry every time I left the house, while on chemo.

I DID bring it to my first chemo.

My daughter is a chemo nurse.She took me to my chemo txs.She gently tried to tell me that I wouldnt need the bucket.But--being the mom of 3 small kids, she let me go ahead with carrying it when I insisted.

And to increase the horror, at my first chemo, Adriemycin & Cytoxin, we were very early.We had to wait in the waiting area which is also near the door to outside.Sitting there with my bucket, I saw a very young, very, very wasted-away stick of a girl being led slowly by her husband.He gently sat her in a chair, and went to bring the car.

She was carrying a plastic bucket!Hers was plain white.

After the young husband brought the car and practically carried his wife to it, helped her in with such care and love, after they left, I whispered, appalled, to my daughter ,

"Will I get like that?"

"Oh I pray not, M.That woman is dying."

My daughter was weeping.

I was terrified.

This was my intro to the wonderful world of chemo.

It didnt last long.

At my onc's, they run plain water in IV until the labs come up.

Then they run "good-time" drugs-Ativan,Decadron, other goodies.LOTS of them!You get calm and happy immediately!These continue throughout the chemo.Along with Aloxi, Zofran, other anti-nausea drugs.

The (huge doses of) chemo are almost incidental.

As soon as the IV started running, suddenly I wondered why on earth I brought that silly bucket.

Next the nurses started bring our choice of drinks -LOTS of them, to wash the poisions out as quickly as pozsible.Mine were orange juice hzalf& half with cranberry juice.The chemo ran so slowly, there were trips to the potty needed.All while hooked up to IV and moving my IV pole! Whod'a thunk?

Since my daughter was there, the nurses would bring us fabulous stuff--from the drug reps.Imagine deadly nauseating poison going in unnoticed while eating fantastic French pastries!"Girls" (the nurses and my daughter , and me) sitting around talking and laughing.There was definately a party feel.It could have been a day spa.A bizzare one, OK.

I became completely casual and unafraid, and stayed that way throughout my  whole tx.I hardly blinked an eye when my nails turned black, when my nose bled, when Taxotere gave me fierce , constant diarrhea.(I simply ate nothing but cake!It didnt irritate my tummy.)

My onc(Dr Feelgood) writes down our proticol for the next 3 days--he knows he has stoned us good & proper and we wont remember.There will be Zofran taken every 4 hours.There will be Ativan each night of the three.During Taxotere there was lots more Decadron taken orally for the 3 days.

I forgot to mention a card of Emend for each chemo.A large cap an hour before tx, a smaller one for the next 2 days.I always swore Emend had something high-making in it.It always made me feel warm and..happy.

I grew sanguine about my tx.Nothing was bad.Nothing was frightening.Everything was fine.I  used to do my housework for the 3 weeks during the days after chemo.

I cant say I LOVE chemo, but I do love my onc!

His method was to hit cancer really hard the first time around."First chance is the best chance."

But he gave all these DRUGS to make everything fine, really fine.

And so I truely had forgotten the terror, the abject terror of starting chemo, until I saw those damn buckets yesterday.

I still have mine.It lives onthe shelf of my coat closet, holding gloves.

But the sight brought back so fully the truely awful feeling of having chemo on your appointment calendar.

<sigh>

So to all of you who have had chemo, I send my congratuations.We did it!!!

To all who may be starting, it is really OK.

If you're afraid, or sick, tell your onc you need more drugs!(If they can pump poison into us, they can CERTAINLY pump drugs in to make it easy!)

It is doable, and it ENDS!

To all , hugs.

J

Shirley--LOL! Time sure does fly by.Cuz we're having SO much fun on AI.

But I agree.We are very lucky to have it.

Boy, that must have been pretty hard.Making a big family dinner with THAT hanging over your head.I'm sure some wanted badly to hug you and wish you well.But you knew they did.And it did work out well.Phew.

Congrats, Sista!Ya done REAL good.

love, j

Hi Towanda,

By now you are back from your 6 month check up, and feeling happy.Good for you!And you wont have to go back for ages!

Yes certain things are traumatic.And I bet NO ONE has had more frightening traumas than we bc girls.I'd bet there is something for each of us, that brings the trauma back, if only briefly.

I had my chemo in my onc's suite of offices.I also met with him there, after my lumpectomy, to discuss my treatment.I was so totally ignorant I was certain he would say-"OK Joan.An .8 cm tumor-it's gone.ONLY 1 lymph node was hot.Go home, forget it all."When he didnt was the time I realized I was in deep, deep doody.

(Sometimes I think about it.Could all that chemo, and hormonal therapy really be for nada?Could I really have been OK w/just surgery?The proverbial crap-shoot.)

Hugs and blessings to YOU, and please come and report your good news!

love, j

Shirley I know what you mean about the Christmas dinner not really being that bad.We had a big neighborhood party around the time of my biopsy.I was all ready to give it a miss.Stay home and brood. But my friends convinced me to go.So I made a huge BASIN of potato salad, laced with dill from  my garden.Yes it helped to distract me.And certainly the party did.Although at one point, a friend who is a very devout Christian insisted on a hand-holding around our table, and a prayer for my result.I was actually touched and hopeful that it would do the trick.

(Well I guess w/out it, it could have been worse.)

One friend of aboutr my age had experienced a stereotactic biopsy years before.Ginny said she told the docs:"I dont have THAT!"

And she didnt.

Anyhow, the party was definately distracting.

I cleaned before my surgery.Not because of not wanting anyone to see, but because I'm a germ freak.

I wore nothing next to my surgery , afterwards, but  new white t-shirts that had been laundered in hottest water & bleached to a fare-thee-well!

Lots of love, Shirley, Sweetie!

Wow, Madalyn! Never felt the urge to clean?You didnt have Taxotere/Taxol!They give so much decadron with it--you could dance (or clean) all night!At least my onc did.Truely, he was Dr GFeelgood.I was a hippie, and journeyed through the 60s-70s on my own natural high.I dont like dugs, and do not take them.

But truely.When is a better time for drugs then when being infused w/poison?I felt great! And he never let me feel the least bit nauseaus, either.

In beginning, I asked him "What should I eat, on chemo?"

"Anything you WANT!"

And I did.My appetite was great.(A little too great, from the Decadron)The only nausea I ever felt was in my mind, when I was terrified to go on chemo.

I'm glad you are moving away from your chemo experience.And yes, the hot water bottle thing was just the flashback to worse times I was going on about.Arent we glad we're moving past?

hugs, j