How does one 'move on'?

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Gracie2007
Gracie2007 Member Posts: 1
edited June 2014 in Life After Breast Cancer

Ladies, I'm having a horrible time right now. I just finished Taxol on Monday and should be doing that happy dance and starting to 'move on'. But I'm stuck right here, can't move. On Wednesday of next week I have to have a bone scan, calcium blood levels are up. It's probably parathyroid, but many it's scary. then a Pet ccan the next Monday, due to tumor markers being up. THATS probably from the Taxol, but between that and the calcium levels, I'm really scared.



So I can't move on....dang it. And I was so ready to try. Now I don't know how...am I ALWAYS going tob e this scared of everything that comes up? I don't know if I can live being scared all the time. And I can't imagine going through even more chemo, although I probably would if I had to. But DANG....I'm ready to move on.



Help.



Gracie



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  • Bugs
    Bugs Member Posts: 1,719
    edited September 2007

    Gracie,

    Deep breaths, honey.  My markers were sky high (I thought) during chemo...especially Taxol.  Remember, your markers can show high because of DEAD cancer cells, also.  Your dr's are being proactive, which is good.

    Are you always going to be this scared if something comes up?  Sigh...it's the nature of the bc beast, babe.  I think, though, that as time goes on we learn how to deal with the fear.

    Come here often...vent to us..we understand how you are feeling.  Keep us posted on your PET.

    Hugs,

    Bugs

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited September 2007

    (((((Gracie)))))....The fear is indeed part of the journey, but it really does get much better as time goes on. That's the key....time. Give yourself some. Keep coming here to share and vent and even help other women who may be even more afraid than you and eventually you'll realize that you feel stronger and less fearful. It never fully goes away, but it does recede somewhat. And life becomes quite manageable, even quite delightful again. It'll happen....just give it time.

    ~Marin

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  • GracieM2007
    GracieM2007 Member Posts: 1,564
    edited September 2007

    Thanks so much. I need to cry, but dont' want to do it alone...isn't that silly? I just wish that someone could hold me while I cry and tell me everything is going to be ok, although I know there's no such person and it will never happen. My husband would hold me while I cry, but he certainly can't tell me everything is going to be ok.



    My cousin, who is a 17 year survivor, told me the day I was diagnosed "from this day forward, your life is forever changed". I knew what she was saying at the time and we discussed it, but boy, I never expected this overwhelming, constant monkey on my back.



    I'll be ok, I know that, I just need some time to deal with all of these emotions.



    Gracie



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  • Shirlann
    Shirlann Member Posts: 3,302
    edited September 2007

    Hi Gracie, I am so sorry all this "after life" is hitting so hard, not fair!

    Here in California, we are all in HMO's and the only aftercare and tests we get are referrals to Dr. Krevorkian!

    Just kidding, but as FItChik says, time does wonders.  You will begin to get your confidence back and your feet back under you.  This is a terrible shock to your self confidence.  Just terrible, and takes a long time to recover.  You know, mentally, with your brain, that you are probably just fine, but your body takes its own sweet time forgiving you for scaring all the parts half to death, and will let you be happy when it wants to.

    Anyway, that day will come.

    Hugs, Shirlann

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