Regrets?

One of my priorities in selecting a course of treatment was that I not have any regrets. I wanted to be as aggressive as possible and never have to look back asking, "would this recurrence have happened if I had been more aggressive." Like Cheryl, I also had a bilateral mastectomy without reconstruction and I've never regretted my decision.

Unlike you, all of my body image issues seemed to disappear after I was dx with cancer, especially as I met more people who (eventually) did not survive their cancers. As far as I can see, being alive is a beautiful thing, and being alive and healthy is a bonus. I think about my first friend to have died of breast cancer, before I was even diagnosed and that she would give anything to still be alive, looking how ever she did, just to see her grandchildren grow up.

Have you talked with a therapist about your feelings?

A second opinion would be a good idea.

Are you a candidate for a reconstruction with your own tissue -DIEP or TRAM?

One thing that I have come to accept on my reconstruction journey is that in the end I am about as happy with my changed breasts as I was with my originals.  Which means that I'm not 100% happy. However I manage to get dressed and live that down most days.

There is a terrific amount of psychological adjustment in breast reconstruction. We hang a lot of our unhappiness about breast cancer on the hope of the reconstruction. When things don't go right, which is often a matter of perception rather than fact, the disappointment can be mighty.

I wish you luck. 

Leah,

You are not alone in how you feel.  There is another thread in which someone asked whether anyone regretted their decision to have a mastectomy.  Initially all the responses were positive, "it was the best decision I ever made", but then I posted, voicing my surprise that not one person had any regrets. Since then, there have been a few others who have dared to say that having a mastectomy isn't always easy.  Here's a link to the other discussion:  http://community.breastcancer.org/topic/87/conversation/674532?page=1

I think there are certainly lots of women who jump at the chance to have a mastectomy, since it so significantly reduces their risk of a recurrence or getting BC again.  Generally, these women will be happy with their decision.  There are others, myself included, who don't have a choice but to have a mastectomy because our cancer is too wide-spread within our breast.  And there are women who have the choice and struggle with the decision.  Those of us in the last two groups may certainly have some regret and difficulty living with a mastectomy.  That's normal.  A mastectomy is a change to your body that you didn't want, that confronts you every day.  It changes how you see yourself.  But even for those of us who wish that we hadn't had a mastectomy, I think that in time, we will adjust, accept and move on.

For you, as the others have said, I think the first plan of action should be to see another PS.  How recently did you have your surgery and how long have your been 'under construction'? Perhaps if the expansion is taken more slowly, you can continue to increase the size of your reconstructed breast.  Alternately, an option might be to have a lat flap, in which additional skin is brought over to your breast.  Or, if neither of those options is possible or what you'd like, perhaps a lift of your 'good' breast will make it almost as perky as your reconstructed breast.   

My PS was careful to explain to me that the objective of implant reconstruction is to look normal in clothes.  Although it's still a struggle for me at times (and I'm 15 months past replacement surgery), with the proper choice of bra and clothes, I do look good in clothes - in fact, better than I ever did before.   You are still in the middle of your reconstruction process.  You need to find out all your options to get the results you want and you need to give this more time.  It's not easy, physically and especially, emotionally.  Be patient with yourself, allow yourself to feel angry at times - that's okay - and then take charge of the situation and do what you need to do to get yourself onto the other side of this hump.  You'll find lots of help here!   

Leah,

I think that the emotions that you are feeling are in fact part of the healing process for many more women than will admit it.  If you go to the Reconstruction Forum, you'll find lots of posts from women who are, at least initially, dissatisfied with their reconstruction and/or frustrated with the process.  In fact, from reading this board over the past 20 months or so, I'd say that very few women are happy initially.  The good news is that most women do come to accept their reconstruction over time.

I completely understand your anger at not being given certain information before your mastectomy.  While some of the women here see some of my posts as being anti-mastectomy, that's not true at all.  I think mastectomies are exactly the right surgery for many women, for many reasons.  I just get frustrated when mastectomies with reconstruction are presented as being simple "boob jobs" that will eliminate all risk of BC in the future and simply & easily give you a new perky perfect set of breasts.  In actual fact, mastectomies are major surgery that create a permanent change to your body.  The reconstruction process is long, complicated, sometimes painful, often requires revisions, and more often than not the results are not quite what you were expecting.  Over time, most of us come to accept, often like and sometimes love our new bodies, but for most of us, it does take time.  I'm not anti-mastectomy, but I do think that it's important that anyone going into the process be fully informed about it.  Too often, doctors present only the best-case scenerio, and too often, women who've gone through it talk only about the final results, not the process or the difficulties. 

Okay, time to get off my soapbox (yet again!).   I hope that you are able to get closer to the results that you want, and I hope that, like so many others, you do come to like your new figure over time.