I'm scared of a reoccurance....
I was diagnosed three years ago, had lumpectomy, and radiation and tamoxifen. Every year I get really scared everytime I have my mamogram. I know that's normal. But I'm really stressing this year because - and you're going to think I'm crazy - but four years ago when I found my lump, I found it because I pushed my dog who jumped on my bed, (who, by the way, never jumps on my bed) I pushed him off the bed and I somehow brushed past my boob and found the lump. Also, I noticed during that time he would chew on his front paws constantly. I thought it was because he somehow knew something was going on -- I was expecting my first grandchild and there was much excitement in our home. But after finding the lump I had the mamo and was diagnosed. Now, four years later, I'm due for my mamogram on monday and I'm scared because my dog jumped on my bed the other day. He never does that. It just reminded me of the only other time that he did that was when I had the cancer, and he's chewing on his paws again, too. I'm scared that somehow he knows something is wrong. I feel so silly for feeling that way, but I can't help thinking about it. And there is no way I can discuss this with my family because I don't want them to worry, or think I'm crazy. You are the only people I know that I can talk to about this because I know you would understand. I guess I just need some positive thoughts and prayers to come my way. Thanks for listening.
~Mary~
Comments
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Hi Mar, Know exactly how you feel. Weird isn't it what we remember? The things that set us off? Hopefully, the things you sweet furbaby is doing are just "things" and really don't mean what you thing they do.
I really don't think you are crazy, I think you are remembering the things you noticed when you were dx'd. I know I remembered tiny things the day I was dx'd that no one would think of, and I wouldn't have thought I'd remember either.
I hope you'll come back and let us know everything was great.
Until then, everything is crossed, even my eyes!
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Dotti said it so well Mary...you're not crazy at all. We all fear recurrence when it's time for the mammogram or any other follow up test. We can push it to the back of our minds and get on with life but when it comes time for those tests, it's right back at the forefront.
Try to focus on your dog just being loving right now. Maybe he's just sensing that you are stressed and worried...he can sense the fear that you are coping with and maybe it was just a loving gesture to let you know he's there.
In the meantime, positive thoughts and prayers that all is well with you and we'll want to know how you are so please check in until you have, and when you have the results.
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Mary...About a year ago, I started a thread about my being superstitious regarding a recurrance and how I would do, or not do, certain things that, for whatever reason, I thought would jinx my cancer back. There were tons of posts describing everyone's little signs and signals that, for them, meant it was back. One woman even said that her house was in fairly severe disrepair but she couldn't bring herself to be hopeful enough to have anything fixed for fear it would trigger more cancer. Others talked about certain weather conditions that, if they occurred, mimicked their 'first time' and indicated it would be coming back. So all I'm trying to say is that not only is fear of recurrance common and normal, but so is trying to predict it and steal ourselves for the dropping of that other shoe that many of us wait for. Hang in there....maybe your dog needs some skin cream or some valium?
~Marin
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You are not crazy at all! Dogs have a 6th sense about these things - whether they can smell the cancer or just an overall "sense" that they have. Maybe your dog was feeling insecure that day and wanted to be on the bed with you? I am sending you warm positive thoughts.
My hand hurt for several days last week and I couldn't remember if I had hit the desk hard in frustration at work. So I am thinking "oh no, bone mets." I had MY DOG smell my hand. He didn't do anything strange, so I felt better.
As mentioned previously, it is normal to feel this way.
I try not to worry about it, there is nothing I can do; had proph mast on my good breast, cannot remove my bones, my lungs, my liver, my brain (although that might not be a bad idea
) and I am not having my ovaries out.
So my new philosophy: live each day like it is your last and plan for the future like you are going to live forever.
Raye
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Well, two of my cats are licking me quite a bit. What does that mean, for Pete's sake!? I'm thinking it's because they are grooming me OR they just love me.
May I steal your name....good__grief! LOL
Just saw my onc and am going to schedule a brain MRI. Okay, I hope the cats stop licking me before the MRI. LOL
Shirley
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Yes, and many of us are like this prior to
a mammogram or tests
I am coming up for eight years
and still ask for healing to be sent
So, I send you a giant basket of
healing and some bright white light
Sure you will do fine
Hang tight. Take a clonazepam
Breathe deeply -
Like everyone has said, we all do this.
Did you ever think your dog is saying, "Hey, everytime my paws itch I jump on her bed and she touches her boobs?"
I hope that made you smile. I am not making light of your fear because we ALL have it.
Much luv,
Watson
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Hi Mary, I do understand your fear. I have it also. We all do. It is only normal. I do think though that your over worrying yourself a little with your dog jumping on your bed again. I know our minds can play tricks on us and we just believe certain things. I would not over worry to much. I think your going to be just fine. Good luck.
God Bless,
Kaloni
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