Starting Chemo in JAN 2007

Robbin, I couldn't delete either, all I could do last time it posted 3 of mine was to edit the extra messages.



Jan, you are so lovely! Your hair looks very thick in the photo. I think that is a cute and flattering style on you, as well. You could go anywhere like that.



Caya I hope the HC infusion went well. I haven't felt really well since my last one on Monday, I don't know why that one should have been any different. I managed to go grocery shopping and put it all away, I'm sitting with feet up now while DH and DS make dinner. Speaking of DS, he got a part time temp job to tide him over til he gets a real one in Chicago...tour guide at a petting farm/zoo! The tours are mostly inner city kids second grade and under, and the place even has a camel. It should be quite an experience. I am so pleased. - Skye

Jan, I am right there with Rebecca, Your pic brought tears to my eyes. Just knowing what you have been through and seeing how gorgeous you are now, amazing!! That BC didn't beat you one bit, your a beauty!!

That is a beautiful photo, Jan. I think we understand the reluctance to be without the cover-up but you certainly don't need it.

Cindy 

I absolutely loved hearing Anne Lamott speak last night. Her ability to share the very ordinariness (sp?) of life and how that hinders or helps as we seek to know God is truly fantastic. She read two of her essays and talked about the effort to write. She writes as a Christian but I believe that her words would speak to almost anyone who seeks a spiritual life.

She was orginally slated to speak at Creighton University but apparently university officials caved under the pressure of the local archdiose and canceled her appearance. The school and Lamott had agreed that she would not speak on the controversial topics of abortion and assisted-suicide but that did not suit the local Catholic authorities

There were police at the event. There were many protestors. One of my friends on his way into the Holland Center was engaged in conversation by a protestor who warned of eternal damnation for all who listened to Anne Lamott. Roger asked if he'd ever read any of her works. Of course not! Roger told him that picking up a book would probably be a good idea. 

I don't have to agree with her on everything. But I can agree that in this very human imperfect world, the struggle to reach a state of Grace, a place of connection with God is universal.

I spoke to a woman about my age (50). I saw her in the crowd on the way out. Her scarf was rather a magnet. "Can I ask, are you in treatment?" She smiled "I had my last chemo yesterday. I stayed in bed all day today so I could come tonight." 

I shook my head at her and said "This is my chemo hair after 5 months." She was pleased to know what she might expect. She starts rads in a few weeks.

It was one of those brief moments when you connect and then release.  And you can smile because of the common ground you share.

I stood in line (me and about 3oo people) and had Anne sign her latest book. I told her I'd read it this winter and spring during treatment. Then Roger took my photo with her and with Kathleen, my friend and his wife. I'll see if I can get a copy and post it here. 

I'm sitting here tonight trying to catch my breath. I'm not sure I've breathed much this week. It's been the wildest for me since my own journey started a year ago.The busiest not medically related. I just need to get through work tomorrow and then I'm crashing!!

Oh wait, there's another lecture tomorrow night. Dave Pelzer who wrote "A Child Called It" and several follow-up books is in town.  I'll have to think about that one. 

Cindy 

Jan, awesome picture.  You look like a model.  Honestly do.  You would NEVER know that hair wasn't deliberate.  Whoever said you will come to love that pic was right.  You will.

Well, I have very discouraging news here.  The DH was put on "paid administrative leave" today, along with his #2 guy.  They canned the CFO not too long ago, the DH's boss and I had been worried as he had been his safety net, i.e the one who went to bat for him, etc.  There is zero chance of it working out.  They sent a freaking courier here with his brief case and wallet!  Locked him out of g.d. office.  Unreal.  So...  I am left to decide if I should demand my ovaries out now, while I'm insured...rather than wait 3 mos to re-ultrasound them.  I want to move up the D&C also.  I have 7 more Herceptins, through January.  I'll def. have to pay Cobra through then.  My poor kids....we haven't told them.  They are going to be devestated.  Poor little Paul....he was so excited tonight telling our friends about how he's getting a trumpet and going to be in the 5th grade band...  he's such a sweetie (when he isn't pissing me off!   I guess none of this matters but our health and the kids...  although I do need to secure good insurance.  It will be very hard for the DH to get another job as any time this kind of thing has happened, he's kind of seen the writing on the wall and began interviewing ahead of it coming down.  We knew things weren't too cool right now either, but because the kids love it here so much we decided to let it ride...and we lost.  Not a good situation at all...  even if we pay the house off, taxes and insurance will run well over $10K a year....  and we still need health insurance.  Oh boy..... 

Tina - So sorry about your DH and losing his job.  Why doesn't he try contacting an executive personnel headhunter agency - hopefully he can find something in your area.  Really a bummer. And you do not need the stress right now.

Mary - sometimes they hold the graduation in the fall and call it "commencement".  They do it so that kids who are taking summer school classes can graduate with their class.  I personally prefer for them to do it in June, and I think this is the last year they are doing it in the fall.  Cassie graduated with honours and won a special award for her co-op class.  She worked as an editorial assistant on a magazine second semester and got a 95% in that class.

Viddie - glad the PS fixed your boob. Hopefully it will stay closed and finally heal up.

Mary, Herceptin for me is going along okay.  Today was # 7  - 10 more to go.  I go every 3 weeks, my infusion takes 60 minutes, then they watch me for a half hour for any reactions. Skye, I hope you are feeling better.  Sometimes I am very tired the first few days after the infusion.

Cindy and Nancy - I have also heard of brain zaps when trying to wean off antidepressants.  I still haven't started the Effexor, although I filled the script - the bottle is in my nighttable,anytime I want to start it.  I keep putting it off...

It's Kol Nidre tomorrow night and Yom Kippur on Saturday - that's the big Day of Atonement.  This will be the first time in my adult life I cannot fast on Yom Kippur - the nurses today specifically told me not to fast, because of the medication.  So I guess I can't.  But I will still take part in the traditional "Break the Fast" meal - I made a vegetable and cheese casserole and will also take a green salad with this great multi cheese dressing I make too.  My mother is having that meal on Saturday night, there will be about 15 of us.

Caya

Tina, I am really sorry about the job situation. That is so scary, esp on one income with children. And I know you love your area. Do your best to protect your health insurance, as I know you will. My husband lost his job last year, two months before my diagnosis (the police arrived and took his bosses off in handcuffs, turned out they had been siphoning off $, and the co basically went bankrupt). But I was working, and our kids are grown, so it wasn't nearly as bad. You probably feel like a mother cub, with the kids, and now you need to bolster him up too.  It's hard to be the mom.

Viddie, I am so glad you are feeling better. Your posts are always so sweet and "other centered" so it's nice to hear you talk even a tiny bit about yourself!  What a ride you have had with the recon.

Cindy, I am so impressed with Anne Lamott. I love her writing, and would love to hear her speak. Her Christian walk sounds doable to me, not saint like, but a way of life. I keep trying, but am not always on track.  I would love to find a church that fits me the way hers seems to fit her.  And I love her writing about mothering.

Caya, your girls sound so lovely. You must be very proud of them. We have had such a bad year, but I keep telling myself that as long as the kids are ok, nothing else really matters.

I am glad this is Friday. I need a weekend. I still haven't really unpacked from last weekend, the laundry is a huge heap, and I have a daunting wedding list to work on. The wedding is two weeks from tomorrow. Eek. Deep breaths .....

Melia

Hi,



Tina, I am so sorry about your situation. That really stinks. There is no loyalty anymore. Could he start his own recruiting company again? If you moved back to Boston, you would know a lot of people, not to mention, Lynn, Amera and me. I will be praying that Paul finds another job very soon. In the meantime, Cobra lasts for 18 months, so you will have coverage through all your procedures. Does Paul have any pension?



My dh retired unexpectedly after pancreatic cancer 4 years ago. It had been tight, and we did have to tighten our belts quite a bit, but we did make it. His company kept us on their insurance plan until last year. Now I am on his Cobra until next December, and he is old enough for social security, but that turns out to be almost as expensive. Our kids are grown, and that does help. Sometimes it is quite a challenge, but because we are older and wiser, we know how to stay out of dept and live within our means. I am still on temporary leave with Weight Watchers, but plan to return sometime soon. You can and will make it through this. I am sending hugs your way.



Rosh Hashanah is the Jewish New Year and Yom Kippur, ten days after, is our day of Atonement when we fast and ask for forgiveness for all our sins and promise to do better this year.



Nancy,

I love your jokes. Make notes and read them if you have to. I always write notes and my docs roll their eyes when they see them, but I do not care. Don’t walk out of the office until you are satisfied. Good luck.

Viddie

tina  my your situations with work and health care are trying ..... one of my coworkers lost her job while i was off and her dh has stage 3 colon cancer .  She is outlooking for work while hubby is doing chemo . I still keep in touch with her and she is hanging in . I hope that your dh will find something . I count my blessings with me and hub having "good" jobs with benefits .

Amera one thing I do not look forward to is the first week back to work and dealing with strange questions . I was back in for a visit about a month  ago and one guy asked me "what i had learned " through my experience ...... i was nice and answered that good health is the greatest gift we have and proceeded to try and walk out of his office ..... he then added at "least you are not stage 4 cancer " "thanks " i thought .  and kept my mouth shut no point in carrying on that conversation . I am a buyer for a printing company and am in charge of the scheduling of 25 printing presses . A highly stressful job . My plans are to drop the "supervisor" position and just stick to the purchasing . I have been at this company for 20 years and in the industry over 30 so i have many connections. I will be on the phone most of the time building up supplier relationships . And the perks of being taken out for lunch !

Viddie sounds like you are getting there must feel a bit better to get another thing out of the way . It seems so long for you and recovery you'll make it i am sure . Hugs to ya .

Jan you are stunning and the short hair suits you . It seems like its taking forever for hair to grow back , it does grow slower it seems !

Caya : yes there are so many causes out there right now . You have to pick one or two and Terry Fox has been mine for a while now .

here are the pics from the run I am in the middle of the one on the far right (shortest with cap )

Nancy vent vent all you want i still get days when i feel like crap and wonder when all will end if it ever will . I am done my treatments and am still having trouble with concentration , get bone and joint pain alot . Sleep is no problem for me thats all i seem to do , I have had some problems with dizzy spells and am going to a specialist at the end of Oct . I have to get a hearing test , I know its my inner ear and sinuses , chemo did them in . The ringing in my ears gets annoying and if I close my eyes and put my feet together i fall over to one side .

Ohhhhhh the joy of treatment after affects ....... and as for the word "remission " not do no hear that much around here . Doing great and well are my stand bys . As long as I am standing walking and talking thats great ............ midlife had to attack me one day or the other  

Tina what a terrible thing to happen, especially right now. But you seem to have a cool head and very good handle on it. Here's hoping he can get back with that other recruiter.



Cindy I envy you getting to see Anne LaMott in person. I'm about 2/3 thru Plan B, and while I also don't agree with her every political statement, I just enjoy her writing and humanity so much that it doesn't matter. I want to see that pic...was she still wearing dreadlocks?



Viddie, I don't think those docs throw the word "cure" around lightly. If he said it he must have meant it. I'm fully believing that my dh is cured of his protate cancer.



Sharon, very cool pix! Doin' that Janis Joplin thing again. :-)



Mary, good luck to your friend. For me the Herceptin is ok, like Caya I'm tired for a few days after infusion. But I also have se's of runny nose, and when I sweat it burns and itches like insect stings. But I'm grateful there is something to treat the HER2.



Nancy and Cindy, I'd never heard of the brain zap thing. Amazingly weird! Hope that goes away.



Hugs to all and wishes for lovely weekends. - Skye

Tina, just read your news and am so very sorry for you and your family.  I know it wasn't totally a surprise and that you've been worrying for a while (waiting for that proverbial "other shoe"), but that doesn't make it any easier.  I guess you have to just trust that things will work out, he will get another job, and that there is somewhere else he (or you) needs to be right now.  But my heart just hurts for you now, to have to cope with another major life stress.  You've had enough - but I also know you're strong, and you'll get through it ok.  We are all right here with you.

Nancy, I was thinking about you all morning, not even realizing you were at your appointment alone without your DH.  I could have at least called you - literally couldn't get you out of my head today.  I hope things went ok, and that you got some answers you can live with.  If not...we'll figure something out, girlfriend!  You have got to get some sleep.

Sharon, thanks for posting the pics.  I see where you got your nickname, for sure!  Your heart is so big, I forget it resides in such a little person. 

Have to go run errands...will check back in in a while.  Love you all.

Tina, I am so sorry to hear about DH losing his job.  It is becoming very commonplace these days.  I pray that a door will open for him. 

Nancy, I'm glad you are taking the dr's scolding so well.  We are what we are, I guess, is her theory, but she could have said it nicer. 

Caya, don't feel bad for not fasting tomorrow.  I believe we have all atoned for our sins this year in what we have been through.  May Yom Kippur bring you all peace.

Love to all,

Nancy, while there is certainly no shame whatever in taking an anti-depressant, I was a little shocked at your doctor's bedside manner. Couldn't she have gotten her point across without making you feel like a bad bad girl? Also, if you are post-men, did she explain why you can't have a med with fewer se's like Femara? Honest, I can barely tell I'm taking it. Regardless, you have a right to your own feelings and even when docs persuade us to change our minds for our own good, our thoughts and beliefs on our treatment should not be belittled. I'm not comfortable at all with how that went for you.



Nancy and Caya, if ever there was a reason for not fasting, bc recovery would be it! I'm glad you are both doing the right thing for your bodies this time around. I'm selfish; I like to see my sisters stay healthy. Rebecca, that's neat your family finally understood and promised to come next year. I am sure that for me, it would be like spending Christmas alone. Hope it never has to be that way for you again.



I had a very strange day yesterday. Started with a Milwaukee newspaper reporter calling me with a list of questions about vampires, continued as I whipped up a list of odd and eccentric people for a Chicago publisher so I could get a contract to write part of a book about them, and ended with a last-minute request to do a 2-hour radio show from midnight to 2 am (Central) on the coasttocoastam.com show about weird things in Michigan. So I was up very late. But it went well I think. When I finally got up this morning, dh had gone fishing. And I can tell I'm gonna need a looong nap later on. Remember that neighborhood dog that was biting all the neighbors? Well they penned him into his backyard and now he barks all night long and wakes me up continually. We want to complain but the owner is rather scary..he sits on his front porch and shoots arrows into a dummy deer halfway between his house and the street, which is entirely legal but dangerous! Anyway the dog is affecting my sleep. I guess I just need to buy earplugs; that is what some other neighbors are doing. It's a small enough problem compared to what Tina and others of you are going through, and I intend to have a good weekend anyway (never did get to call the onc's office yesterday and didn't hear from them either). - Skye

Tina, that really IS scary - didn't realize they were accusing him of something, and of course, not telling makes it all the more anxiety-producing.  No wonder the poor guy needs Xanax and Ambien, and thank goodness he's got some!!  Someone definitely has it in for him, so it's a good thing you got an attorney.  For his sake, I'm glad his friend is coming.  Someone who really knows what he is feeling can be a huge support right now.  And you have all of us, you know.  Keep us posted.  ((((((Tina)))))

Skye, what an interesting day you had yesterday - and what an interesting life you lead.  I would so love to hear one of your interviews someday.  Do you have any on tape or anything? 

Nancy, you got scolded, and although I'm sorry that it upset you, I hope that it opened your eyes to what you are doing to yourself by not taking the meds.  Somehow, you need to get your mind around the fact that there is nothing shameful about needing to take antidepressants.  I think you know this intellectually, but it seems that on another level, you feel it is a sign of weakness or something.  But look what you put yourself through, by trying to be strong and do without them!  If a little scolding is necessary to get you to take the meds you need to keep you alive and healthy, then she was right to scold you.  I would rather not take antidepressants, also, but wouldn't dream of stopping them at this particular time in my life.  You need sleep to stay healthy and keep the cancer at bay, not to mention you need the tamoxifen to prevent your cancer from returning.  We all love you, I know your family loves you, and whatever you need to do to take care of yourself now I hope you will do.  If that means giving up your struggle over whether or not to take your meds, then so be it.  There's just no reason to put yourself through that.  So, big hugs to you girlfriend, and please, please take your Effexor and your Tamoxifen!

Tina, that all sounds so outrageous. The business world can be so cold and cruel. Glad you got a lawyer. Hang in there dear girl.

Nancy I feel better reading your second letter, it sounds like you feel she is very competent and I'm sure she has your best interest in mind. I'm ER pos. too and HER+ but not PR+, perhaps there is some difference in there that made her recommend tamo instead of Femara. My doc just said Femara had fewer se's, that is why he chose it for me, and I'll have Arimidex after 2 years too. But if I needed Effexor I wouldn't hesitate to take it and you shouldn't either.

Mel, I do have lots of cd's and dvd's around here. If you PM me I could mail you one to listen to. They often send me copies of shows but I can't stand to listen or look at myself, always hear things I wish I'd said differently. You can hear the archive of last night's coasttocoastam.com broadcast but I think you have to join their Streamlink to do it, it's like $7 a month.

Here's my minor milestone of the day. I hauled the frames of my screen porch wrought iron furniture out on the lawn (dh hauled the sofa) and spray-painted them all with Rustoleum. I'd wanted to do that last spring but it seemed an impossible task. I admit I took a nap after the hauling part to rest my torn rotator cuff and another nap after the painting, but it's done. One more step back to old life! - Skye