Starting Chemo in JAN 2007

6 years ago today George and I had both stayed overnight in Boston...I don't remember why, my mom was staying with the kids.  We both had separate cars, I left the hotel around 8 and got to the office around 8:15.  I had only been there a little over a month, we got the news and everyone was trying to get information.  George had been trying to call me for over an hour and finally got through, told me he's on his way and we're going home.  It was a long drive because we had separate cars (about 100 miles).  We got home and watched CNN.  I was schedule on a flight to NYC on September 12th, the next day...obviously that trip was cancelled.  We did go a month later and went to ground zero, which was still smoking.  It is something I will never forget!

Nancy,

I am so sorry you're feeling depressed...you're not the only one.  My "vacation" was a real low point for me...I had thought I'd be getting back to normal now and painting and so forth but it hasn't happened.  In fact, my regular doctor has just doubled my prozac and put me back on Ativan.  I'm going in for a checkup on Friday.

You know, it was really scary what they said in the literature about taxotere and I am wondering if it did something to my brain...especially the artist's part of it.  But there have been a lot of other issues too...the wedding, my mother's stroke, worries about friends (I tend to really overdo this), the breach of trust that we've discussed.  All together it was a lot.

Well, I do have some good news to report that might help.  A lady from a local arts group called me in NY and asked me to enter a show; she said she really wants me to be represented and suggested that there be a financial incentive as well if I won an award.  So I still have plenty of old paintings around to enter.

I'm going to try to work at drawing and painting for at least an hour a day.  Maybe I'll get somewhere.

So much fun gabbing with you ALL again.  I really do feel this is a very positive place and is so good for everybody!!!  Just look at Joni...!!!

xxxoooo Myranda

Good luck Robbin! Sending lots of good thoughts your way. I agree with Rebecca - if they don't ask then don't say anything. If they do ask I would say that I had been ill but am fully recovered now, full of energy and ready to get back to work. You will do great!

Robbin, Good luck!  I do a fair amt of hiring, and there are often gaps in resumes. The accountant I just hired simply said "family issues".  Another lady yesterday said the same. Doesn't bother us in the least, as long as we can check some past refs. You will be fine!

Robbin - I think it's all in how you say it. With the right approach you can tell them why you've been out of work by showing them you are tough, resliliant and that you know how to handle a crisis. Tell them if you can handle chemo you can handle anything they can throw at you

Let us know how it went as soon as you get back - I can't wait to hear! 

Myranda, that is so cool that you got that phone call. I would buy your paintings because I liked what I saw and I'm picky about paintings. They have to spark something in me, something that makes me feel good. Ha my boss and I were shopping for art for the new office. E-gag some of them were pretty awful. But your's a definate award winner! The ones you let us see online were enjoyable and I even whispered under my breath, Wow!!!

Thank you all for the pep talk, I did something today I went through my drawers and closet and bagged up everything I know I cannot ever wear again for donation. Then I tried on my prothesis ( I've been too sore from rads to wear) I have 4 bras with the pockets and I was wanting to see which if any were comfortable to wear now. Well I had such an emotional meltdown, I cussed them I wanted to throw them across the room and I wanted my breasts back! Right about that time my Dh called he helped me through it and I actually felt kind of cleanse if that makes any sense. We talked about reconstruction and he wants me to just talk with a PS. He knows I am so on the fence, I do but I don't. I don't know, I am very sad though at my "new" look, it tears me up inside. I guess all this is coming to surface, because I was so consumed during treatment as we all were, that I wasn't giving my looks any thought. Now treatment is over and I see the physical outcome.  Am I being to vain? Is this normal to feel this way, I see myself disappearing, I can't help but feel like a freak. Sorry as I shed more tears. The waterworks are in full force. I'm on my 2nd refill of Tammy, is that causing this?

Nancy - I embraced my prosthesis from Day 1 - started wearing the soft one in my cami about 3 weeks after the mastectomy.  I bought a real prosthesis about a month later, and wear it all the time.  I think you should go talk to a PS.  I saw one last year before my mast. to see if I would be able to do immediate reconstruction, but I was still so worn out from the breast reduction, shingles, the dx etc. that I opted not to do anything at that time. I have another appointment with the same PS in early November, and will go over it all again.  Maybe I will do it, maybe  I won't.  I know Viddie has said she is very happy she did the DIEP.  The Tamoxifen can definitely make you weepy and overly emotional.  I discussed this with the onc. at my last visit, and she said this is a totally normal reaction, especially if you were pre-menopausal ( I was).  So hang in there.  Your DH sounds like a very supportive guy.

Robbin- please let us know how the interview turns out.

Melia - glad you booked the colonoscopy. And we will be ready for the whining - lol.

I'm off to my MIL soon for our Rosh Hashana dinner - picking up DD Cassie at the subway. Amanda is coming in tomorrow afternoon so she'll make it for the second dinner. Should be lots of eating, I'm going to try very hard to stick to my low carb regime.  It's working, I'm down 4 lbs. this week.

Shana Tova filled with good health and happiness for all.

PLEASE PRAY FOR MY MOM

I've spent most of the day talking to doctors, physchiatrists, brothers, nurses about what to do with my Mom, and I've come to the conclusion that the best thing to do is bring her home.  I don't think the doctors and nurses are doing her any good, and she is angry and combative and uncooperative.  Called the nurses' station several times today and she kept on hanging up because she couldn't talk and couldn't think.  Bout the only thing I could get out of her is that going back home is a YES.  She'll have my brother and sister and her new kitten, and I don't think the doctors can do her any good.  In fact, her doctor told me today that six days after a stroke if she's not improving, she's not going to improve.

This is very hard for me.  Up until a week ago she was giving me advice about everything, my illness, my brother, the wedding.  She was my staunchest advocate.  It's hard to lose her.  But I've known that she'd probably go sometme soon and I guess its time.  And it's best that she be home with family and her kitten...she'd been waiting for this kitten for months and months...

I had hoped to have her come out her to visit me in my house and maybe that's still possible...I like to think all things are possible with God.

Myranda 

Myranda,

My Dad had a stroke 12 years ago. At that time, and I know this is outdated, the doctors told us that improvement would continue for a year. It did. He is now in pretty bad shape, and we are fighting lots of issues, but he did have a number of good years after the stroke. So please don't give up.

Skye, I cannot imagine that it is bone mets. I am so sorry about your hassles with insurance.

Nancy, Sweetie, hang in there. And hang onto that sweet husband of yours.

Caya, enjoy the holidays.

Rebecca, how are you feeling physically?  And Viddie?

Ok, ladies, time to get organized for my business trip / birthday weekend / time with the kids. I hope everyone has good days and nights, and I will be thinking of you.

Hugs, Melia

Skye, I have to ask...who made you get a blood count before seeing the dentist? I have a dental cleaning in the morning! No one ever mentioned it being a problem. The dentist knows what Iv'e been through. now I'm nervous YIKES!

Myranda, I will pray for your mom and you.  I know how hard it is.  I had to put my mother in a mental hospital and my dad in a nursing home when my son was 2 months old.  Take care of yourself and believe that things will work out.

Caya, Rebecca, Viddie, Happy Rosh Hashanah (sp?).  What is that noodle pudding called?  That's what I remember from when my DH's family had dinners.

Robbin, good luck on your job interview.  Melia, have a good trip.  Nancy, it really sounds like you want PS.  If so, go for it!

Rebecca, hope that car situation and money problem straightens out. 

Skye, why is your blood count low?  I didn't think rads did that?

I got good news today.  I am in menopause according to the blood work!  Yeah, so these hot flashes are not for naught.  I asked if I had to worry about getting pregnant and they laughed.  Guess I'll make Oprah if I do.  Also the ultrasound showed the ovaries were fine.  The Pap was fine.  I do have four fibroid uterine cysts but I knew that -- they are not anything to worry about.  So now I just go for the CT scan on the 17th and hope the liver looks good.  I had a colonscopy a couple of years ago and I didn't think it was bad either.  The worry was worse than the procedure. 

Melia, have a wonderful weekend!  And I am so HAPPY that you scheduled your colonoscopy. If necessary, I'll come out there and hold your hand, but I'm sure you'll be fine.  When it's over, and you know it's a piece of cake, maybe you can convince Skye to follow your lead (unless of course she decides to schedule one now, too).  Listening, Skye?

Robbin, I hope the interview went well today.  What kind of job was it for?  I think you have the right idea about not bringing up your cancer unless they ask you directly.  As others have said, it can be a positive thing, depending on how you present yourself.  Please let us know how it all went. 

Caya, happy Rosh Hashanah - hope you enjoy having the girls around this weekend.

Myranda, I'm so very sorry about your mom.  How far away from you does she live?  I'm thinking she doesn't live in the same town, right?  Please don't give up hope - the recovery from strokes is so unpredictable.  Your mom may come back more than you are thinking she will.  I'll keep her in my prayers.

Nancy,  you are definitely NOT being too vain.  Of course you want your old body back - we all do.  We did what we had to do, to stay alive and healthy, but that doesn't mean we have to like the results.  I really encourage you to see a PS and discuss  your options.  I'm strongly biased toward the diep reconstruction if you're a candidate for it - it's a bigger surgery up front, but once you're done, no worries about having implants replaced or capsular contracture - you just have breasts and that's it, no more surgeries.  If you can find a doc who can do diep, they can give you the pros and cons of all kinds of surgeries. If you talk to one who doesn't do diep, they of course won't include that surgery in the pros and cons.  I wonder if part of your weepiness is a result of your med changes?  Starting the tamoxifen is bad enough, but I hate to see you making it even harder for yourself.  Big hugs to you, and let me know if I can help.  Your dh sounds like he's a great support.

I had my last radiation treatment today, girls.  I teared up the moment I walked into the place, and didn't stop until I left.  There's really a sense of loss, after seeing those people every single day - but they all are quite aware of that, and that makes it easier.  I've decided to keep all my care centered there, and they are already planning for my followup, so I still feel very cared for.  M.D.Anderson is a wonderful place.  They all came out for me to ring the bell, and they all gave me a hug - the doctor, the nurses, the techs, volunteers, everyone - and gave me a gift and a certificate.   It was really a good ending - I left on just the right note.

Good night all.

Robin good luck on the job interview you will do fine

Caya,  Rebecca , Viddie  have a great celebration ahhh and enjoy the food

Myranda dig deep for strength you can do it hang in there . Ps I live in Bradford north of Toronto , its funny alot of people get Brantford and Bradford mixed up , Brantford is the home of Wayne Gretsky hockey player . Bradford is know for its carrots we are by the  Holland Marsh known for "muck"farming I am going on a studio tour on Saturday , do you have them in Mich ? I am also trying to get back sketching but an finding it tough . It comes and goes and your brain has to be in that space hard to get to when stressed and anxious . I am scatter brained lately friggin chemo brain still pops up. I hear ya gal be strong .

Nancy you are not being vain I am in the process of getting ready to go back to work and am having trouble with my body and looks . My big thing is my hair and the lopsided boobs . I WANT MY HAIR BACK

the wig i have is not doing the trick ,i go between oh its ok to yikes !

WTF ( I swear ) make me feel better .....

but a good trip to the mall for a new outfit may make me feel better .

Funny how all the surgeries and rads and chemo i got through but its my looks that are having a toll on my emotions .....

Sunday I am volunteering at the Terry Fox Run for cancer research I as a cancer survivor am part of "Terry's Team " I got a t shirt for the run and a pin . I will be helping with people when they register and telling my story . I am going to do the 1 K walk too I have been training on my bike every other day . Getting out and letting people know that living with cancer does not mean you are fragile and putting a face to it helps . I need to "fit" in again and get back out .... 

Oh and Joni .......... WOW congrats man ....... ya did it  

Nancy, you are not being vain at all, and you should not feel bad for wanting to have your breasts back!  In some ways, even though I DID get breasts in the end, I STILL want MY breasts back....but I  know that can not happen.  It is a very disconcerting thing to have such drastic changes occur to your body in such a short period of time.  We have all been transformed, and for many of us it has not even been a year yet that this all started.  I agree with the others, it may be time for you to start investigating reconstruction.

Skye, naughty naughty....stay OFF google until you find out what is going on!  My gut feeling is that it is too soon after chemo AND too soon after your last scan to be another tumor.  Hang in there, the PET scanner tells all......

Caya  L'Shana Tova 

I am so glad that Amanda showed up at your house last night, what a lovely surprise.  I did not have a dinner last night, but am planning to go to a service this afternoon.  My mom is coming to visit this weekend, so maybe I will hold off and make a big meal to celebrate the new year then.  Holidays like this are always hard for me because I ache to have a big celebration but really do not have anyone to celebrate with.  Life goes on as usual.

Sorry about your mom Myranda.  There is nothing worse than feeling like you have lost a loved one, yet to have that loved one right there. I am sure that she is still in there, just give her all the love and caring you can and all will be well in the end.