Here goes..... Anyone estraged from their mother?

Stacey.
I had a terrible dragging up by my mother.
Both she and my father fought like cat and dog, drank, smoked, and regularly beat up myself, my sister and my brothers. Being the eldest of the brood I caught it more than the rest did.
There wasn't ever much food in the house, no carpets on the floor, and no heat or bedding in winter.
Regularly the bit of furniture we did have was smashed to pieces, and the windows put thru, and most w/ends we kids were drinking from jam jars.
She ruined my childhood, my teenage years, my education, and my wedding day....in short, she was a bitch.
As soon as I could I was out, and into night education to catch up, and I did it. Went to college, rather later than I should have, but I DID it !!!
I didn't talk to my father for the last 20 years of his life, and haven't seen my mother now for nigh on 25 years. She is in a nursing home, and, so I am told, everyone thinks what a lovely little old lady she is. I could tell them quite a different story. Only 1 of her 5 children gives her an occasional visit, her grandchildren won't go near her, the rest of us just hate her for what she did to us.
Do I regret not being in contact with her now she's a little old lady. NO I DON'T.
I never thought it of any importance to let her know I had bc, she just never comes onto my radar anymore.
Isabella.
ps. being the eldest, it fell to me to settle all her nursing home bills, make sure the nursing home buy her things she needs, and not come knocking at my door when she needs clothing, just send me the bills to pay. The state give me money each month to do this, as she would not get a penny from my pocket. I resent having to be responsible for this, but one of us had to do it, and all the others volunteered me !!!!

Hi again Stacey.
I also never had a birthday party, nor even a card...just nothing. No card on my 18th, 21st, and no Christmas presents. In fact I was 11 freaking years old, delivering newspapers, when I saw a family wrapping up presents thru a window just before Christmas, wondered WHAT on earth they were doing !!
Money was stolen from me, for booze and cigarettes.
I had been saving up pots and pans etc. for my wedding, and my mother took a hammer to all the boxes, and smashed the lot, because I was not handing over all my wages each week ( I had too much to spend on 'rubbish', so she smashed it all)
Clothes...what a laugh, we looked like walking rag bags.
Today, my mother would have been locked up for both physical and emotional abuse, but back then ?? everyone just turned a blind eye.I was very regularly taken to the school nurses office with cuts and bruises, but no-one lifted a finger to help us out of all this. (apart from my grandmother, who DID try, but she got a beating from my father for her trouble, so she didn't often come to our house)
I had a very hard time as I got older, adjusting to a normal family life with my DH and children, but I did it !! I never lose a moments sleep over my mother at all, I shall not go to her funeral, she is absolutely nothing to me....and I CAN live with it.
Isabella.

My mother wasn't physically abusive but she also had BPD and I was the child she loved to hate. I didn't allow her to control or manipulate me and it made her very angry. I realized several years ago that the relationship was just toxic and I set limits (no unwitnessed contact). I felt liberated. I also felt orphaned, as my father divorced his children along with their mother. However, it was the healthiest thing I could do for ME. When my mother passed last year, I felt I had already done all my grieving. I didn't even cry because there was nothing to cry over.

Her younger sister is more a mother to me and I can't bear watching my aunt get older. She's such a wonderful person - I can hardly even imagine she and my mother were raised in the same household. The hardest part of my mother's passing has been watching my sisters as they grieve and miss her.

I have to say that I know full well what my mother would be saying right now about my BC if she was still alive. She'd be telling my sisters that I deserve this. And she wondered why we had no relationship.

You've already done the best thing you can do - break the cycle. The next best thing is decide whether or not you can have any kind of relationship with your mother and if so, set the limits on how that will happen. Or just give up - some things just aren't meant to be. I sometimes still cry when someone tells me about their wonderful mother, but not as often as I used to.

Stacey, just sent you a note to see how you were doing and your mailbox is full.....not going to write it again but did want to say hi.

Margaret

Hi Stacy:

Sorry to hear this and it is
good to share with others, it
will help

Junie: I too had a post here, then edited
and lost it


GMG: A good move to tell your son that
NO, it is not the same. I too had a step father
but, wanted the real Father. It is not like this in all
cases, I guess. Good luck! Further, not always easy to
be a step parent, goodness, seems being a parent sometimes
is hard enough

Will just say, very difficult
families. My family was divorced
and my childhood very rocky, in and
out of the two family units. My Father
never ever changed. He died of lung
cancer. I started to travel at a fairly
young age, living abroad.

I still have my Mom, bless her heart
but it has been a difficult relationship at times.
She is not well now, and I feel dementia has set in
to a degree. Step parents work sometimes, and
other times, they do not. Guess we have to
accept the things we cannot change.


Best to all

E Mail private
anyone on this topic


Isabella : That is very sad, indeed



O/T PS.. Strange, my two grandmothers
I had a wonderful relationship with
them. Anyone else?

Stacey, just saw this thread so it's been awhile. I know two people with bi-polar, a mother and her son. It's very difficult for them to have friendships and relationships.

GMG, I like what you told your son.

Sierra, I'm a stepparent - have been since my stepdaughters were 2 and 5 and they are now 27 and 30. I love them like they were my own and vice versa, but I have to tell you that sometimes it can be the most thankless job anyone can have. Fortunately, I don't feel like that often.

Margaret