New! please help- being pressured by parents

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irish4
irish4 Member Posts: 19
Hello everyone,
I have read your posts for awhile, but this is my first time posting. I am 34 years old with 3 small children. I was diagnosed with breast cancer last Nov. Stage IIa - no node involvement. I had a double mastectomy since we have tested positive for the BRCA gene. I went through 4 months of chemo finishing in April. I am now taking tamoxifen and getting used to the idea of being in menopause at 34. I am preparing for my second stage reconstruction next week. Throughout chemo, I have tried to keep life happy and normal for my 3 children, however sometimes I am overwhelmed with first the shock of it all, anxiety, some fear of recurrence. These feelings come and go, but my issue is that my parents keep telling me I'm too negative, not being positive enough and I should just "get over it-the cancer's gone and I need to move on"
I am just not there yet, I am still trying to make sense of everything and adjust to this new life, new body, and all the changes menopause brings.
Anything you can share would be apreciated!

Comments

  • nash
    nash Member Posts: 2,600
    edited August 2007
    The "be positive" line is a load of crap typically spouted by healthy people who have no empathy with what you are going through. Sorry it has to come from your parents, and sorry if I sound harsh about it, but it's something that really grinds me when people say it. "Moving on" is also a tad difficult when you know you're BRCA+ and you have kids.

    In fairness to your parents, they are probably so afraid of losing you to cancer that they unconsciously think that if you act that everything's fine, then everything is fine and you will live a long and healthy life. They really do want this behind them because the alternative of their child dying is so horrible.

    And in all probability, everything WILL be fine. However, being diagnosed with cancer at 34 (I was 38) especially with small children, is a heck of a lot different than being diagnosed at 74. We've got 40 or so more years to get through, hoping for no recurrence, hoping for no new primary, hoping for no debilitating side effects from premature menopause. Etc, etc.

    You sound like you've handled your situation with a lot of grace under pressure. I'm sorry you have this frustration with your parents now. Just know that you are not being "negative" in your feelings--you're being "normal".
  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited August 2007

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited August 2007

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  • determinedmom
    determinedmom Member Posts: 276
    edited August 2007

    You are a grown woman now with 3 children of your own. You will always have your own emotions as will your parents theirs. Even though your cancer may be gone, it will always be a part of your life and they need to understand that. They have raised you to be who you are today and you are old enough to stand up for yourself. Let them know how you feel and how their comments to you make you feel. You are their child, i'm sure they'll understand if you really talk with them. Best wishes.

  • Lauriesh
    Lauriesh Member Posts: 692
    edited August 2007
    I was diagnosed at 37 with 3 small kids also.
    I first want to add that I started feeling worse emotionally after I finished treatment. I ended up going on antidepressants . (which is very common for bc survivors)

    I also found a young bc survivor support group. It was wonderful. I only went about 4 times, but just seeing other young women dealing with what I was dealing with and feeling everything I was feeling helped tremendously. I stopped going because I realized the further I get out from my diagnosis, the easier it becomes.(or maybe its the antidepressants) Its now been 2 1/2 years and I am starting to believe that I am going to be here to see my kids grow up. My youngest is starting kindergarten next month. It is a milestone that I thought, after being diagnosed, that I would never see.
    I think dealing with the menopause issue was one of the hardest things. I think it was made worse because other people don't think it was a big deal. My mil made a comment that I should be happy that my periods are gone. People don't get that it can be a traumatic thing to go through when you are in your thirties. The loss is something you need to mourn.
    If you are dealing with issues of vaginal atrophy and painful intercourse, talk to your drs. There are options to help deal with those problems.
    I lost both my mom and dad since I was diagnosed. The only good thing about that was it really hit home how short of time we have here. I did a lot of soul searching of how I want to spend the time I have left, whether it be a year or 60 years. That also helped me move on. Every moment spent worrying about recurrence or what-ifs, is a moment wasted.

    Laurie
  • LittleFlower
    LittleFlower Member Posts: 405
    edited August 2007
    Irish,
    It's been just over a year for me since diagnosis, and i still feel alot of the same things you mention in your post. I found it so hard when i was encouraged to be 'more positive' and still do. I think people, especially our families, who care just want us to be happy, healthy, and 'normal' again. I used to get aggravated at that 'positive' comment but now just realize they don't really know what to say. The point is, they have good intentions, but they can't ever understand your fears, concerns, anxieties associated with cancer. I might recommend a support group. It's amazing to realize that we all have the same fears and thoughts! I used to think i was odd with all my own fears, but listening to others say the same things helps me realize that this is a terrible thing that's happened to us, give some validation to that, but at the same time, we need to find a way to move forward and push back into our 'regular' lives. How and how quickly does this happen? good question that i don't have an answer for - but i think support groups and therapy might be a start! wishing you well on your road to recovery...
    LittleFlower
  • Methusala
    Methusala Member Posts: 285
    edited August 2007
    hi,
    I have to agree, I think your parents are scared to death for you, deep down inside, they are truly scared. People seem to say the most insensitive things, but I'll bet your parents aren't meaning to hurt you so. Maybe you could suggest a support group for THEM? would they go??

    My son just turned 5 on Aug. 3, and I'm too trying to do everything to keep his life normal. It's not always easy is it? I get really tired of people saying "you'll be fine". i want to kick the next person that says "you'll be fine".

    I read a very long time ago that it takes two full years to get over a crisis in someone's life, like death, divorce, illness, etc. so, using two years as an emotional milestone.. I"m just saying, it's OK to need more time to heal, mentally, physically, emotionally..
    best wishes.
  • Cynthia1962
    Cynthia1962 Member Posts: 1,424
    edited August 2007
    Irish - there isn't very much I can add to the wonderful replies you've already gotten, but I thought I would mention a book I just bought myself that deals with this issue. It's called Picking Up the Pieces - Moving Forward After Surviving Cancer by Sherri Magee, Ph.D and Kathy Scalzo, M.S.O.D. Sherri is an independent oncology researcher who has designed cancer recovery programs for more than 15 yrs, and Kathy is president of a consulting group specializing in change and transition management. I ordered my copy from Amazon because it wasn't available locally.

    I haven't had a chance to start reading it, but from what I already read online about it, I think it's going to be helpful. One of the chapters deals with Assessing Your Relationships. I might start with that one myself. My sister has been MIA since my dx and I'm pretty bitter about it.

    I know it's going to be a long time until I start to even remotely feel "normal" again, and it isn't going to be the "normal" my family and friends expect. I keep reminding my husband that everything has changed and the change is forever so he shouldn't expect things to go back to the way they were. I'm not the same person I was before my dx - emotionally, physically, or spiritually - and it shows. I think we all deserve some leeway and should be allowed to feel what we feel when we feel it without having to apologize or pretend to feel something we don't!

    Best wishes,

    Cynthia
  • SusaninSF
    SusaninSF Member Posts: 1,213
    edited August 2007
    Irish,

    I was first diagnosed at 36 with a 6 year old and a 2 year old. I truly believe that most of us come out of this stronger and oftentimes, surprisingly, happier. I believe that dealing with cancer gives us a tremendous appreciation for life.

    It's a love of life that you can often recognize in others before you even know they had cancer. The mother of one of my son's friends I noticed had this glow about her. It was only well after my diagnosis that I found out she had had thyroid cancer.

    I don't think we can ever "get over it" and I think we would be losing something valuable if we did. Life is full of important lessons and experiences, not all of which start out as positives.

    I don't think I need to tell you all of this but perhaps you can give your parents this perspective. Perhaps you could even show them this thread.

    Hugs, Susan
  • Paula15089
    Paula15089 Member Posts: 373
    edited August 2007
    I have exactly the same issue with my parents. It doesnt help that i am an only child.
    I agree with those saying that its your parents dread at the thought of losing their child that makes them want to stay in denial. I used to try to make them understand my fears... but i've stopped now. You know, they would have gone to hell and back with their child being diagnosed... i know it aged mine 10 years.
    I dont want to make it worse.. so i put on a brave face in front of them, and if i want to complain - i come here!

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