Need a little encouragement

luvmyhunny · July 2007

Hi ladies!
I am 27 and was diagnosed with IDC in Jan. I have had 4 AC and 4 Taxol. Before treatment I started with approx a 7cm tumor with nodes involvement. After treatment I had bilat mast. Tumor was down to 2.5 cm and visibla tumor regression in node showing micro mets and fat necrosis. I thought I'd feel better after surgery but I feel worse. My panick and anxiety are worse. And anytime I get upset I have a hot flash from the Tamox. I start rads on 7-31. I am just totally terrifed. THIS IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE MY LIFE!!!! How do I continue on with the doom and gloom hanging over my head? I just can't handle it. I do take Xanax when I need it and that seems to be every night. I just wanted to have a baby and live happily ever after with my hubby. I just can't deal with this.

Anonymous · July 2007

Im sorry you are feeling so much doom and gloom...it is a really hard spot in a womans life.....especially one so young with many plans for her future.....try to remember we are all here for you whenever you need and that the ladies that have finished treatment and such can help guide you through some of the rough spots...
We dont have all the answers to everything but sometimes it helps alot to talk with those whom have been in your shoes...have you a local support group in your area? or possibly a close friend that you feel comfortable talking to?
Hugs
Jule

luvmyhunny · July 2007

Thanks for your reply. I actually have a support group meeting tonight and an appointment with my therapist. I just can't believe his is my life. What happened? We went from trying to get pregnant to me having cancer. I just don't understand and now all of a sudden I am back to it being the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing on my mind when I go to sleep, just like when I was first diagnosed. I hate this. Am I ever going to be able to enjoy life again?

Anonymous · July 2007

Im trying to get past all those thoughts too...I finished treatment the end of March and it does seem to be a little better but there are after effects that are most likely going to stay with me forever....
I think as time goes by and your follow up appts get further between in time frames and the after effects of treatment start to fade you will be able to move on with your life but you have to remember you have just gone through one of the ROUGHEST times a woman can go through and try to not beat yourself up over it.....each time I find myself wondering back into that pit of feeling sorry for myself and wondering if my life will ever be the way it was before my dx I tell myself "baby, steps...one day at a time" and so for it has helped alot....I think most people have to find what works for them....
I hope your able to find that something and that your support group will be helpful to you...
Hugs
Jule

Kitty_Cat · July 2007

Hi Luv
It will get better. I know you will find this hard to believe.

Nearly my whole first year was nothing but cancer cancer cancer on the brain. I went to sleep thinking about it and woke up with my first thought being cancer.

I must have driven my husband crazy talking about it. I think I talked about cancer every hour on the hour! But that impact did lessen as that first year passed by.

It is difficult to be sailing along in life and BANG get hit with cancer. We never think it will happen to us but it did. Really tough to take this new journey when your life is so wonderful and suddenly comes to a screeching halt.

Glad your taking Xanax. I took it the first year. I couldn't have survived without it. I used anywhere from 1/2 a pill a day to four 1/2 pills a day. It varied.

But life will get better - really it does. You reach a point where you will again feel safe.

It's good you are joining a support group but if you find it makes you uncomfortable then leave it.

Jule said it - baby steps - one at a time. You'll get through it all and then look back and wonder how you did it. We love ya!!

Mmisha · July 2007

Hello there! This whole thing really is unfair. And you're right - this is not supposed to be your life. I was diagnosed at 34, stage 2B, triple positive. I'm still going through treatment and after 9 months, I am still in shock. I have started seeing a therapist. I found, for me, that it helps not to overwhelm my husband with my worries because he already has enough of his own. Wish I had some advice, but all I can give you now is my solidarity. I feel your pain.

Anonymous · July 2007

Luv & Mmisha,

It really does get better...I know you both are in the stage of this journey that makes you feel like it will never end.....

Mmisha, Im single but I felt that very same way about talking to my family too much...they were in shock right along with me so I didnt want to bombard them with all this....my girlfriend was my rock...she attened EVERY appt & all 3 of my surgeries with me.

Im still kind of shell shocked by the past 8 months...sometimes I find myself wondering if those months even really happened to me or if they were some kind of strange dream....everyone and everything around me seem the same but I know that Im not....its hard to explain I guess....but I really do understand where the two of you are coming from and I wish I could give better advice than the "baby step....one day at a time" that worked for me....

I will keep you both in my thoughts and if either of you would ever want to talk please feel to PM me if you'd like.

Hugs
Jule

Anonymous · July 2007

Oh, it does get easier. The fear doesn't go away, but it doesn't come as often. I am not even at the 2 year mark, but I do think that the chunks of time between thoughts of "What if....," or "Will I be here in 10 years?," get bigger.

There is no shame, by the way, in taking meds to ease your anxiety. Do what you need to do to get through this, then you can worry about getting off the meds. In the meantime, get help if you need to.

Jule is SOOOOOO right about the "one day at a time," mantra. There is no way we can look into the future like that, or we will simply lose our minds!

We are all here for you.
Love and prayers, Deb

OutdoorGirl · July 2007

Hi luvmyhunny, I hope you will be able to hang in there. BC is a terrible thing, it takes control of your whole life. I can tell you , after a while it does get better. I too was terrified the whole time I was being treated, and I thought that cancer would define the entire rest of my life, but truly, life goes back to "normal". Rads will be easy after what you have gone through (I had the same, 4AC and 4T). I finished up rads at the end of March and am on Tamoxifen, but I actually have nearly whole days now when I don't think about cancer. Keep taking the Xanax until you don't need it any more. I took it nearly every night while I was in treatment, because I would have these terrible episodes where I thought I was going to stop breathing because my heart was pounding so hard. It is very important to get enough sleep in order to get well. You have been very busy trying to heal, but you need to take some time out to grieve for what you have lost. The vision you had for your life is forever altered, but that doesn't mean that life is BAD. It will take some time to get used to your altered reality. It sounds like you could use some counseling. Check with your oncology center about talking to a social worker/counselor..they should be able to set you right up.
Outdoor Girl

maggie3333 · July 2007

I understand how you feel on some level...it's hard to not think about cancer all of the time. It does get better but I think that cancer will always be something that I think about. Maybe someday it won't be on a daily basis as it is now but as the years pass and you get further from treatment, etc. you can move pass the doom and gloom. I am a very upbeat person and it is hard sometimes to stay so positive all of the time. I feel sometimes like I have to keep my attitude up all of the time and it is frustrating sometimes. You are allowed to feel however you feel~if you are feeling mad or sad then that is your right. But, it does get better. I am almost one year from my diagnosis and I seem to think about it less than I did at the beginning. Try to look at things in steps and put small things behind you. I move past things one at a time and celebrate each one. Try to find the good things from cancer. I have met some really wonderful women because of it and have some really great friends that I wouldn't have if it weren't for breast cancer. Try to find silver linings wherever and whenever you can. That is what helps me cope. HTH

genavive · July 2007

YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS. I am exactly a year out from being diagnosed at age 29. My husband and I already have 3 kids and it was very difficult going through treatment while trying to raise them. I am inviting you to read my blog of this past year because I know exactly how you are feeling. Both my husband and I took turns writing and it may help your husband as well. go to:
www.tojenshealth.com
Start reading from the bottom entry on up. The first one is "surgery update." It starts with the day after my bilateral mastectomies. You may email me to if you like. simonson13@msn.com. I will help you in any way possible. I still can't believe that this is MY life and sometimes I just want to wake up in another body or crawl out of my own skin. You will get better and you will stop thinking about cancer all of the time.
All my love,
Jen

Anonymous · July 2007

You go, girl! I had a 15 month old at time of dx. He is a very energetic 3 now, and I can't believe I was able to do some of the things I did during tx. I did it all for my hubby and son. They were the reason I fought!

Love and prayers, Deb

Jaybird627 · September 2007

I don't think this is supposed to be ANYBODY'S life!!!

I was severely depressed at dx and all throughout tx but refused 'help' (anti-depressants). I was a mess! No details, but believe it or not at age 44 I thought my life was over! So, I can certainly understand your frustration and despair. Truly I can.

What helped me was about a month on an anti-depressant (I went off because I didn't like the SE's) and then I decided (after almost a year of thinking my 'life' was over) that I wasn't going to let BC rule/control/dictate my life and I just started living again despite my dx.

That's a very simplistic explanation but I just decided that BC wasn't going to get the better of me (I'm BRCA2+) and if I gave BC the control then I'd have no control and since I like being in control then it was up to me to decide my future and thus my next step.

Somewhat cryptic but I hope you get my point. Look forward, not back. You are your future. Good luck to you!

Jaybird

CaNatalie · September 2007

Hi Luv, my name is Natalie. My story is very similar to yours, only I am at the begining of this whole process. Like you I am 27 years old and dx with BC on 8/30/07. The main thought that kept running through me was also "This is not supposed to be my life!". I am also married without kids (in fact we were going to start trying right before I found my lump). So, all I want is to live, have a baby and enjoy life with my husband. I am doing similar treatment , I start chemo followed by double masectomy. If it makes you feel better, reading your story has helped me feel normal during such an abnormal time. I find comfort in reading your story because you are about 7 months ahead of me in my journey, and look, your are still going strong! That is great news that your tumor has shrunk so much. Hope to talk to you soon!

Natalie

whoablaze · October 2007

Hi Luv-I feel your pain, too. I moved to Germany at 32 with my husband to work for an American newspaper in January 07...with no knowledge of German. Three months later I was diagnosed with stage II BC. I found myself having to not only deal with dx and treatment, but do it in a language I could not understand or speak. My doctor was wonderful and spoke relatively good English, but nurses, technicians, etc. only had rough English. I had a lumpectomy at a German hospital, and chemo in a German oncologist's office. Things are much starker and more like a "train station" as my doctor describes it. I think the worst situation so far has been going in to start radiation. I pride myself on my strength, but at some point you need to understand what is happening, and my radiooncologist cannot speak English, other than a handful of words. To be shifted around on the CT scanner, try to understand that I could not get my "marks" wet for 6 weeks, etc. was just too much. I am sincerely thinking about quitting my treatment at this point. I don't want to gain any more weight, and I can't imagine having any more scars on my breasts. Not only that, but five years of Tomoxifen and the shot to stop ovary production just seems to be too much.

Is there any hope that I can forget all about this and just live out what's left? I am not afraid of the cancer...just the bills, carrying too much weight, and feeling completely out of control. Is the treatment worth it? By the way, I don't have children, nor do I plan to.

Good luck, Luv. You have some exciting things in your future to look forward to. You'll get through...just as they say...one day at a time.

Need a little encouragement

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