Spouse refuses recommended treatment

My heart goes out to you with this challenge. It is hard to be the spouse and support of someone going through breast cancer; it produces it's own fears and challenges. Your wife is going through something personal and frightening and as much as I know you want to help her make this decision, this is going to be her's to make and it sounds to me that she is at a point right now where she is closing in on herself and trying to protect herself. It's not that unusual. Some people want immediate surgery, immediate treatment. Some people go into a "panic" mode and shut down, hoping it will all just go away. Add that your wife is also coping with MS, she must feel totally devastated, and wondering why all these things are happening to her.

My suggestion for now is to love her, let her know you are there, try not to "nag" at her and to convince her of anything for the moment. Give her some space to think and to process this. Keep the children busy and relieve her of some of her other responsibilities so that she can process this. Pampering is good. It sounds like what you have done so far is loving and wonderful and when she is thinking more clearly she is going to love you even more for this.

Find information for yourself, read what you can and be informed to help yourself, your children and ultimately your wife. Have the information ready for when she says she would like to see it. It would be helpful if her doctor could refer her to a psychologist so that she could talk about how she is feeling with this. And should your wife remain firm in her decision to not seek treatment, you may well want to seek counselling for yourself so that you have an outlet and somewhere to discuss your concerns, fears and feelings. Support groups (such as this but also through your community) often have survivors who will answer questions and that can help your wife make necessary decisions.

The hardest part of this for you is that you cannot make these decisions and you can't force what you want. It's frustrating I'm sure. I've been through this with family over other issues, not breast cancer. I chose to have a lumpectomy and treatment because I was prepared to fight on. Your wife may realize that she wants to keep going for you and the children and will opt for a treatment plan.

One other suggestion is to read through this site and copy and print things that you think would help...not just the medical information, threads that are on the discussion board that might prove useful...from women who have been there and have experienced this. The good and the bad.

Will keep you and your wife in my prayers and hope that you find some resolution to this...both of you.

C.

Usually when the recommend mastectomy for multi-focal DCIS it's because the cosmetic outcome will be less desirable than a simple mastectomy.

My cousin has MS and does the injectable thing. She tires easily but she's certainly not down for the count!


Has she considered reconstruction? To get the best results with implants, which are the simplest method, it's better if you haven't been irradiated.

Maybe she could have the lumpectomies, then judge whether she'll want to live with the results before embarking on radiation. If not then maybe she'd be more hospitable to a mastectomy.

It sounds like the IDC is small, give her some time to think about this. It can't be easy to have cancer on top of MS and some time might be helpful for her.

Hi Ned,
The posts above have some good advice about this being her decision. It really is her decsion.

However, I really know where you are coming from. Guys like to fix things. It is only natural to want to feel that you have done the best thing to fix this breast cancer thing.

I had a similar diagnosis in March and I chose the bilat mast. But it was not an easy choice. One of the big things that sort of kept me from chosing mast was my husband and our intimacy.

When I look back on this time (I called it "crazy time"), I can think of a few suggestions for you that might have smoothed out my decision with my husband.

- Give her time. She is going through a lot of emotions. Be patient, let her cry, listen.
- Words of reassurance. Even if you have said it dozens of times, don't stop. Tell her you love her (with or without breasts). Say something that will re-assure her that you two will continue intimacy (albeit possibly different).
- Buy yourself the book "The Breast Cancer Husband" and let her catch you reading it.

If the decision becomes hers, she will probably fare better through the post Mastectomy time. If she feels swayed or pressured to chose mast, then she may have a tough time with second guessing.

Really, though, the best thing to do is just love her.
-Anne

Does she fear the loss of a breast or the surgery? I feared cancer so much that losing a breast didn't impact on me.

But I feared the surgery itself. My husband wanted me to have a bilateral mastectomy but I was too afraid of so much surgery. Now I wish I had done that. But the fear of two surgeries was just too overwhelming for me at that time.

Could be the surgery itself that is frightening her?

I wanted to just block it all out and hoped it would go away but thankfully I was able to come to my senses and realize that I had to act not hide.