friendships...sigh!

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ducky1
ducky1 Member Posts: 320
edited June 2014 in Managing Side Effects of Breast Cancer and Its Treatment
Wasn't sure where to post this topic but after reading several comments about losing..changing friendships, I thought this was the appropriate place??!!
I have 2 more tx's to get through and I have to say that all in all, once I am past the 1st 10 days, it is doable. For me, the hardest part is when a friend you love just doesn't step up to the bar. That pain is far greater than my SE's! Has she called...not consistently... offered to help..yup, but in a very general way "let me know if you need anything" rather than taking the bull by the horns... gone to chemo with me...yup, but still doesn't quite get "it". Someone had said in a post that I read to tell them what you need. I did in January when this began but nothing has changed. To be honest, I had hoped that this would bring us closer but it hasn't. All the others have exceeded any support that I thought I might get. My cruise and other gals that I am in touch with through this site have been ROCKS but it doesn't lessen the pain.
She just had a bout with kidney stones. I called regularly to make sure she was ok.. brought some stuff over as we were supposed to have a "girl's" campout but it went down the tubes..understandably due to her condition. While I was there, I noticed that lots of improvements to her house. She said "you haven't seen that???"... how could I when I haven't been there since last Oct.??
Have I learned something from this disease...yup...how I will treat others who are going through this or need support! How to be a true friend!
Usually I am able to stuff the hurt down deep but just needed to vent and know that lots of you out there have gone through this.
thanks for listening
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  • purplemb
    purplemb Member Posts: 1,542
    edited July 2007
    Ducky...this is a great place to vent, but I think we have all found friends and family that have fallen into the "good time" friends & family...stay strong and be true to yourself...be the best friend you can be
    MB
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  • CaliforniaKate
    CaliforniaKate Member Posts: 258
    edited July 2007

    I've had people disappoint me, and others that I never dreamed would come thru really did. I just learned not to expect much from the others. One thing I did get out of all this, is that I know how to be a real friend if someone needs me. Kate

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  • NarberthMom
    NarberthMom Member Posts: 615
    edited July 2007

    I want to second what Kate just said. Until I went through this myself, I didn't know how to be a good friend to someone facing this kind of health crisis. Because I realize that I wasn't such a good friend before, I can forgive my friends who have been fortunate enough to miss this beast!

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  • Shirlann
    Shirlann Member Posts: 3,302
    edited July 2007
    Oh, this is tough. I was rather casual with my grown sons, so when they didn't do much (like call, send a card, come to see me) I was hurt. Then, my only sibling, when I told her said, "Oh that's what you get from all those mammo's". Sighhh, it does hurt.

    It is hard, but when my daughter-in-law was diagnosed 2 years ago with Pancreatic Cancer, I sure knew what to do. I hugged her, held her. Went every day and read to her, sang to her. We looked at albums, we laughed at jokes. I kissed her and did anything and everything I could to make her passing easier. She was only 45. Maybe my experience helped me know what is needed, most people aren't mean, they just truly don't have a clue what to do.

    Gentle hugs, Shirlann
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  • HensonChi
    HensonChi Member Posts: 357
    edited July 2008

    bump

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  • Annabella58
    Annabella58 Member Posts: 2,466
    edited July 2008

    Oh man, I could write a book on this one.

    I second what everyone else said, that you do find out how to be a friend in need.  that is the good part.  But it is like being kicked when you are down to find out how badly some folks you counted on to be there for you do react.

    I see that it is a real syndrome, I wonder why.

    xoxo

    annie

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  • pdm
    pdm Member Posts: 168
    edited July 2008

    Its really strange how when things are good your "friends" keep intouch ..when things go bad they seem to disappear...I am alone all day and see or talk to no one except my daughter..she does call me..I have seen her twice when she came to see me and three times I went to her house..my other daughter calls me maybe every other week or so....when I was on A/C I couldn't get out of bed for days...I had to wait till my husband came home from work to go to the bathroom ..I had a real hard time with A/C ..and no help at all...I am six months in chemo with three treatments left then on to radiation..

     I wish I had a friend who would come over for coffee and just chat about nothing... it is so damn depressing...

    Pat

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  • kayakgirl
    kayakgirl Member Posts: 172
    edited August 2008

    Luckily some of my good friends and my husband and kids has really rallied around me. Other's well I just don't need just good time friends who can't be there when I need them. I am very upfront about asking the people who care for help. It can be as something simple as putting a guided imagery tape on an I Pod or making me soup. I tried to ask people to do something that they are good at and they seem glad for the suggestions. Someone that I am not sure how much they want to help that have given me a vague "if there is anything I can do please let me know"- I give them several suggestions and let they pick if the want to. One other thing that really helped me was to join a breast cancer support group. They are several ladies in my group that have finished treatment and are great for questions and support. It gives them a chance to talk about their cancer.

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  • psalmist
    psalmist Member Posts: 214
    edited August 2008

    As a pastor's wife, I get lots of support.  But there are others who end up feeling very alone.  I don't believe people intend to hurt others, they just get focused on their own lives and don't pay attention - possibly an outgrowth of their personality type.  I would bet they don't notice a LOT of things in life! 

    Sometimes support comes from unexpected places, like this wonderful website or a person you hardly know.  Quite a few other bc survivors in our congregation have surrounded another woman who was recently diagnosed and is fighting for her life.  I'm very proud of these caring women how are giving their time and support to a virtual stranger.  I wish for you a more attentive friend, even if she is an unexpected "angel."  Hugs and prayers,

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  • spar2
    spar2 Member Posts: 6,827
    edited August 2008

    I had a supportive husband and wonderful grown children and even the grandkids would try to help me, people I work with would even drop by and bring food, one lady made a quilt.  No support from mother or actual friends.  I think they just didn't know what to do but now we don't keep in touch anymore but I still do with my ex coworkers.  You just never know about people until something like this happens

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  • enjoylife
    enjoylife Member Posts: 578
    edited August 2008

    This is a great Post I too have seen friends and one that lives through the bible, the thing so called friends have said is sorry I havent called or come by but I have been so busy blah blah I just give them a come back like oh I know I have been busy with BC and working and chemo and trying to find the energy to get some normal things done and visiting with doctors. I actually had a good friend tell me I would come clean your house but I am so busy I have to get my lawn done and my house. I will never be that way to a friend I will go out of my way to help either doing errands or cleaning or doing laundry what ever it takes this disease teaches us all kindness and patiance especially waiting for our hair to come in ha

    Maura

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  • kerry_lamb
    kerry_lamb Member Posts: 778
    edited August 2008

    Hi girls! It occurred to me at 3am (in between fire-belly and fire-head!) that this whole process is not necessarily transformational for others (and maybe this makes us feel let-down) but it certainly IS transformational for US. The Cancer Carousel is a shite of a thing to be on..but we ARE on it so...:

    I have had BIG scales 'fall from my eyes', and I wouldn't have it any other way. In a funny kind of way that little, niggling, searching "Is there something more?" feeling that I used to have is completely gone. I KNOW there is something more..we ALL do..take Shirlann for example. She, God bless her, was able to act so powerfully as a result of her own cancer-horror. If we are courageous enough (and we KNOW we are, girls!) then we are in a position to model, nay, INSTRUCT people in how to be more deeply connected with others. Let's not forget just what a habit our lives become. We talk ourselves into the 'no time for this and that' state of mind. We on this forum have had ourselves snapped right back from that fake place! 

    We have been reminded (by way of a scary, toxic epiphany) that our purpose on earth is to take care of others. It doesn't always mitigate against the disappointments and the sheer practical challenges, but we need to remember our purpose as often as our chemo-brains will allow Smile 

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