Grief

SandyAust · July 2007

I am not sure where to post this but I feel the need to ramble on so I have chosen to come here.

My mother died four weeks ago today. On Sunday I am moving across the country to Hobart, Tasmania where she lived. Now it will just be Dad, not Mum and Dad. This is a sad time. She was supposed to be there.

I am not rolling around in despair or anything. I am getting on with my life but there is this horrible finality to death and at times I have this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. Obviously my Dad is devastated and it is sad to hear the pain and loneliness in his voice.

At least I know what to do about my feelings about Dad. I can support him and be there for him. But what do I do about Mum? Whenever I think about it I just realise my feeling are futile, nothing is going to change she is dead, so what is the point of pain, regrets or might have beens, wish we had done, wish I had said. There is no point, it is futile. So I push these things aside and I live and I am basically happy. However I believe it is not healthy not to deal with these feelings so I am dealing with it by rambling on here.

Don't worry I am basically ok but I just need to ramble on. Death is so final and grief really is futile but it helps to talk or write.

Thanks and take care,

Sandy

LiveForToday · July 2007

Hi Sandy, I am so very sorry your mum is gone. I don't have any magic words to help make things better but my husband and I have a funeral home and deal with death daily. Every one has to find their own way thru grief just like you have to find your way thru cancer. Of course family and friends can help but it is all yours to bear.

Please don't beat yourself up with what ifs....we do what we can do for our families while they are living but we have our own lives we have to muddle thru. People don't like to hear it but time does help with grief. Give yourself some time but you are correct in dealing with it now and trying to understand the process.

Just sending your a big cyber hug across the ocean. I am sure you are a strength and a joy to your dad.

You and your dad will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Sherry

VickiTN · July 2007

Sandy,
I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom. I lost my mother to bc 11 years ago. One of the things that helped me the most in dealing with my grief is writing in a journal. I wrote in my journal every day for over a year. I poured all of my emotions and pain into those pages. Although, at times, it was very difficult to do because my writing would make me cry - but, the process was very cathargic for me.

I also attended a Grief support group. One of the things I learned in the support group is that if you don't deal with your grief, it most likely will pop up later in your life and express itself in other wasys. So, it really is a good thing to face the pain of grief and walk yourself through it now, rather than try to push it down inside you.

A good cry can be very healing....I cried every day for a very long time, but, I kept trying to not let myself cry. I finally stopped crying and feeling so much pain when I told myself that the pain and crying represented all the love I had for my mother (I wouldm't be hurting so much if I hadn't loved her so much)...So, once I started embracing the pain, it started to fade away.

Right now, the loss you're feeling is like an open wound, but, it will get better. The sadness of the loss doesn't go away, it just stops hurting so much after a while. In the beginning, I couldn't think of my mother without crying...but, today I think of my mother and the memories of her bring me joy....they will for you, too, one day.

Sending prayers of comfort and peace up for you and your Dad....
hugs & love,
vicki

P.S. I don't know your religious beliefs/thinking, but, I do believe that I will see my mother again one day...and that's another thing that helps me. And, I do believe that her spirit is still with me and I still talk to her quite often. I believe it's not too late to tell your mom things you'd like her to hear....

iodine · July 2007

Hi, so sorry for the loss of your mother. It was very difficult for me when my Mom died, too. I didn't handle it well, couldn't grieve I guess.. tried to "get on with it".
Finally, I chose to go to counseling and after a couple of months I found a way to grieve and learned why I had trouble doing it in the first place. It was very helpful for me.
I still miss her, wish there were things I could talk to her about, show her, but I do want to believe she is watching and protecting us as a guardian angel.

KariLynn · July 2007

i like Vickie's idea of writing your thoughts down. It's important to acknowledge them - they're real and after you do it might be easier to let them go.

I was thinking if you want a ritual to let go could tie them to balloons and send them off - kind of hokey but may help.

Sorry for the loss of your mom. I can't imagine what you're feeling and what your dad is dealing with.

Take care,
Kari

achurch · July 2007

Dear Sandy,
The loss of your Mom I think is one of life's hardest things to bear. Your feelings and grief are normal. When my Mom died about eight years ago, I was devastated. We were so close. When I'd see a white haired woman in a store, I'd think for a moment, oh there she is. Time heals, it will for you and your Dad. The sadness doesn't go away, it just gets put in a place that's easier to bear. My heart goes out to you and your Dad.
Alice

pdb · July 2007

Sandy -

Not too far ahead of you in the grief process. My Mom passed away on April 12th after a very brief (and unexpected illness). She was just 74 years old. Like you, my sisters and I now focus on our dad's needs. Unfortunately, none of us lives near him so it is a challenge.

I don't know how to make this adjustment any easier. I miss my mom every day. I still find myself reaching for the phone to ask her opinion or share a story about the kids. She was full of life and very involved until the last few months....didn't even know she was sick.....

I hope that acknowledging that we are sad helps us move forward. My best to you as you navigate this journey.

Phyllis

Sierra · July 2007

Dear Sandy:

I am very sorry to read about your Mom's
passing.

Your post sounds very wise
in that you get your feelings out
and we need to share, and do this
on a daily basis, I believe
during this time of grief

I have not lost my Mom, but she is
not well at age 88, falls quite a bit

Sending my condolences to all here
who have lost their Moms

Take care

Your Dad is blessed to have you

Hugs

junie · July 2007

many, and BIG huggssss to you! I can't add much to the good words before me. Your post just really struck a chord with me--I was mentally fussing at my mom today because I couldn't pick up the phone and call her for help with a recipe! My mom's been gone for almost 4 years; dad died 2 years ago. When we were emptying out their house after dad died, I ran across a little twisted piece of gold in the bottom of a dish. It was my mom's first wedding ring, just a little band of gold. It was cut off her finger over 30 years ago in a hospital when it was discovered that she was allergic to penacillan! My dad later bought her some nice diamond rings--which my older sister claimed.....but, I took the little band. I had it cleaned and re-welded and wear it every day. They were married for 64 years before mom died, rather unexpectedly and that is a loooonnnnnggggg story. Anyway, it is just a little piece of her that I find comfort in having. Won't be leaving much else, but hope to leave it to my daughter, who will leave it to her oldest daughter, and so on.....

regardless of the relationship we had with our mothers--we miss them...gentle hugs to all!!

TheShopMama · July 2007

Dear Sandy,
I am so glad you chose to post here. Just talking about your feelings is sometims so very healing. My mom was diagnosed with colon cancer in July of 2004 before I was
diagnosed with breast cancer in December. I was in chemo when she was dying and it was quite some time before I could grieve. I was fighting to get through. In 2006, I lost my youngest son. So I do know the aching of losing a loved one. So many good things have been suggested. Keeping a journal is a great idea. You can write your feelings... a letter to your Mum.... questions... poems.
Our mothers are so special. No matter what our relationship with them, they are still our mother. I was fortunate to have a close relationship with my mama... but there are so many things I have regrets about. Just know your feelings are valid and you can come here anytime and talk with us. I will be praying for you, Sandy, and for all those who have lost their moms. Remember the happy times. They will be what gets you through! Pam

Brendatrue · July 2007

Sandy--
Experiencing grief is not futile. Although it will not change the past, living and learning to cope with grief allows us greater opportunities to know the depths of our hearts, to forgive ourselves and others for past mistakes, to learn how to live richer, more meaningful lives. Perhaps your sense of futility comes from a more expanded awareness of the absolute finiteness of life on earth, which can create both distress/angst and desire to make life a more meaningful experience. I, for one, believe that experiencing, knowing fully, and learning from grief can add to life's meaning.

I hope you will find peace as you experience the loss of your mother.
Brenda

Brendatrue · July 2007

I found this today & thought you all might find it useful:

Grief is an exquisite emotion that helps us become fully human and fully alive. That seems like a contradiction, but its not. Grief asks us to drop down into the river of life and truly mourn the passing of what we love and value. If we dont make that journey, we cant move forward whole in our lives. I call grief the utterly necessary river of the soul because it reconnects us to life after weve experienced deep and profound loss. When I see people running from grief, I feel such sorrow for them, because I know that they wont be whole until they grieve. We fear that grief will break us in two, but thats not what happens. In true grief, our hearts break open, but they dont break apart. We arent emptied by griefwere expanded. When we come up and out of the river of grief, we have more capacity to love, and more room to breathe. (Karla McLaren )

Take good care--
Brenda

Grief

Comments

Categories