How do I tell my kids?

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southernchick
southernchick Member Posts: 52
edited June 2014 in Caring for Someone with Breast cancer
I was diagnosed in March with Breast Cancer. The doctor thought the lump was about 1 centimeter. I had a lumpectomy and it turns out the lump was almost 2 centimeters. I found out it was stage one and the sentinel node biopsy showed it had not spread. The dr. said I still had precancerous cells that needed to be removed. I later found out she meant DCIS, which I had never heard of. All the other tests came back encouraging. The Fish test was negative, the Oncotype test showed low risk for reoccurence. I was really very happy. NO chemo for me!!!! I had a reexicision for the DCIS....no clean margin on one side. Had another reexcision, still not a clean margin on one side. Now the dr. says I have to have a mastectomy...I was blown away. I didn't even think this was possible after all the good news. I have decided to do a bilateral skin sparing mastectomy because I don't want to go through this again. I have had numerous health problems in the last 13 years. I am having reconstruction starting at the time of mastectomy, with expanders.
I am 45 years old and my daughter is 15, my son almost 13. My son worries more about me than my daughter I think, he is very sensitive. He plays baseball and this year for the first time was picked for the All Star team. They are in the middle of their regional tournament and have made it far enough to be guaranteed a place in the state tournament. I don't want to tell him now, and mess up his head and his baseball game. The problem is...I can't go to the State tournament. He and my daughter will be leaving the state tournament with my mother in law to go on vacation without coming home first. They will be gone when the surgery is done. (Well, my son may be going on vacation, depending if they are still in the tourney when mother in law has to leave. I think it would be better to let them go and enjoy the baseball and vacation, and when they get home, everything will be done and they can see that I will be alright. Does anyone care to share their opinion on this? And what on earth do you say to kids so they don't worry themselves sick over this?
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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited June 2007
    Im not sure there is anything you can say...my kids are both grown adults and when I was dx'd my daughter turned into my mother so to say.....my son kind of did the head in the sand thing but if he thought I needed or wanted something he was the first to get it....I tried to re-assure my grandkids but I never could find the right words....Im 6 months out of treatment and my 4 yr old grandson still asks if its ok to give me a hug or apologizes when he thinks he's hugged me too tightly....
    That is the thing that I HATE most about BC....no children should have to grow up that fast and thats what it seems to do ....
    Hugs
    Jule
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  • kkthom
    kkthom Member Posts: 19
    edited June 2007
    Read your post and wanted to reply. Hoping your son's tourney went well. I'm newly diagnosed, had lumpectomy last week. Will go over path report on Mon. Dr. says I will need chemo and radiation. I have three children, Brandon 15, McKenna 11, and Brock 3. My oldest was very upset when I told him, he cried which upset me more than anything. He's always so stoic which I suppose comes with the age. I don't think my daughter really understands, though I've tried and my dr. sister has tried explaining. We were very honest about what the dr. said and what may be expected from treatments. I think this helped tremendously with their own fear and in reassuring them that I'm not going to die. I'm a single mom to boot, so my parents have been so supportive and have stressed to the older kids that they may need to step up around the house in the coming months. Like you, the kids are very busy in sports and once school begins again, it's going to get even more busy as B will be on varsity football then basketball. Again, thank God for my parents! I've told him it's ok to talk to his friends, I'm glad he has them to talk to. Little Brock keeps me laughing and makes me appreciate those little things in life all the more.
    It's so hard anyway to be a parent - you just worry about everything all the time and hope you're doing things right. It isn't fair that they have to go through this.
    Kim
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  • LuAnnH
    LuAnnH Member Posts: 8,847
    edited June 2007
    I hate to jump to the other side, but I would tell the kids before your surgery. As they hit those teenage years they like to get mad at parents easily. I know from experience that my son who was around the same age as your son is now got so mad finding somethings out after the fact. You think you are doing things to protect them and yet still hurts them. He told me he was angry that I didn't think he was big enough to know the truth. It is almost like a double edged sword with teenagers....UGH!!! It's a tough choice and you know them better than any of us giving advice. Use your best judgement and hope for the best!

    LuAnn
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  • ccccccc
    ccccccc Member Posts: 66
    edited June 2007

    I am not diagnosed (and hopefully will not be when this is all through)but I told my daughter about a month after finding the lump. I felt that because kids are so intuitive to their parents feelings (especially strong ones like fear and anxiety) that I needed to tell her so that she would have some idea what was going on. She is only 8 so I didn't go into details. She told me she already knew that something was wrong. I told her about the lump and that I needed some tests done to make sure every thing is ok and that I was very worried about the tests. She seemed to understand and now she knows why I am so distracted and why sometimes I am anxious. She knows it has nothing to do with her. Personally I'm glad I told her.

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