One year ago today

lisaelder1972 · June 2007

One year ago today my idenity changed.Gone forever is the carefree 33 year old Mom who worked 80-90 hours a week and enjoyed it.Gone is my childrens Mom who they sais was crazy and cool,I was the Mom who would jump on the trampoline with them,skate with them,bowl,fish.Their friends loved to come over just to see what I would say or do next lol.Gone is my husbands wife,the wife who wasn't too exhausted to make love to him,wherever and whenever.The wife who had never heard the words vaginal atrophy and who thought being hot was being sexy.I was never beautiful but I did try to make my husband proud to have me on his arm,now I hold his arm so I don't fall.Gone is the long,curly dark hair down my back,it is replaced by a short spiky style that I would never have chosen on purpose.Gone are the breasts that brought him joy for 17 years,they are replaced by silicone,they are strange to him,and to me.Gone are my hip bones,they are buried beneath the 40 pounds I have gained.Gone is the smile that I always wore because even if I am feeling halfway human enough to want to smile,my teeth are rotting out from the chemo.Gone are my dreams of growing old alongside the man I have loved for over half my life.Gone are the visions of holding my grandbabies and reliving my children being babies again.Gone is my ability to ever give birth again.Gone is my ability to do the job that was so dear to me.Taking care of the elderly and disabled,I am one of them now.I miss their smiles when I would take a little extra time to style their hair and put make-up on them.I miss sitting on the edge of their bed and listening to stories of their life,I learned alot from them.Before BC,I cleaned house everyday,cooked a hot meal,and kept the laundry done.I'm not able to do that now,not everyday.

I lost Lisa that day and she is not coming back.I have to reinvent her.I have a good start.My husband is by my side and my beautiful babies still make me so happy.I have my friends here.I can't express in mere words what you all mean to me.I love you from the bottom of my heart.I am having a hard time emotionally right now and I haven't been on much but you are still with me,and always will be.

Hugs,
Lisa

mibriggs · June 2007

aww lisa
what a touching post ....it is so true we someway have to pick up all the broken pieces and re invent ourselves.
I am getting ready to celebrate my 1 yr survivorship on June 19th and I am struggling a bit because I lost my dad a couple of days after my last treatment.
We are so lucky yo have this wondeful place for support, and it is so wonderful to meet great people like you.
I pray you have many many many more years to celebrate

much love
mel
xoxo

PS you are beautiful

my chemo video:

lam · June 2007

Lisa, your post brings tears to my eyes. We may not all experience emotions over the exact same issues but we all have feelings that run as deep as those you describe - the fears, the sense of loss, the ongoing anxiety, dealing with a forever changed body/spirit. I am sorry that you are having difficulty with your arm. I hope you can get this resolved ASAP. I am so glad that your husband has remained such a rock for you throughout this whole ordeal - what a blessing for you. I'm looking forward to reading many, many more anniversary posts from you!

Hugs,

kjackie02 · June 2007

Lisa, I am crying as I type this. You just said everything that I have been feeling. I lost me.
I am sorry you are feeling this way. Just wanted to let you know you are not alone.
Jackie

wallan · June 2007

Your new self will be a better one. It is healing to mourn the old you though. And you are blessed to have a loving, supportive husband.

God bless.

Wendy A

tflowers · June 2007

So true. I find myself daydreaming about the past alot. Two years today I was in surgery having my mast & recon. 10 hours on the table and how life has changed
But I'm only going foward.xoxo

Anonymous · June 2007

Lisa...I am so sorry that you're feeling so 'lost' but, as Wendy said, it's healing to mourn one's old self as she makes way for the new person she is becoming. Knowing that you're loved, though, is the greatest...and the one thing that you haven't lost!

Marin

suave · June 2007

Lisa, your post is incredible but I would like so of that old Lisa. It is never too late. We know of those that went to work and never came back. It is painful. You are alive and you have so much to live for. How about a smile? I like you picture. Please bring that old Lisa back. You deserve to spend time with her.

Pauline3837 · June 2007

Dear Lisa,

Your post brought tears to my eyes and a knot in my stomach and the pain you are going through brought back sad and fearful memories. Yes memories of me, who I was then.....strong, fearless, optomistic and so very happy and then the memories of who I had become after going through treatment.

Will you get back your old self?......probably not. You become different....but better!

You WILL love more
You WILL laugh again
You WILL stop and smell the roses along lifes garden
The Pain will lessen
Your Fear will find it's place on the shelf, hidden beneath life's treasures.
You will cherish good days and you will celebrate great days.
You will appreciate today and all it's gifts.
You will not take life and all those around you for granted.
You will learn to love and trust again.
As for the sex.....well that's up to you and hubby. The extra pounds.....well my husband says I'm built for comfort not speed! (God bless him)

"May you find hope in your heart, love in your life and peace in your soul.

Life this side of cancer is good. Each year gets better. I hope you can believe that.

LiveForToday · June 2007

Lisa, one thing I have found over my life is that nothing ever stays the same.....our bodies change even without being tormented with cancer. Our personalities, our wants, our needs, all change as we grow older sometimes for the worst, sometimes for the better but we learn to adapt to changes if we are fortunate to live a long life.

Just know that the "real" you is still there... just may take a little re-adjustment to accept who we are becoming.

Thank God for the love of our life that holds our hands over our lifetime and our children (and grandchildren) that make it all worth the fight! You will get thru this and man what a testimony you will have for the newbies coming aboard...

love, peace and huggs to you, Sherry

newvickie · June 2007

crying as I write this too as I lost Vickie and don't know where to find her. I don't like the new me...there I said it. I hate the new me. I hate that no one recognizes me. Long blonde hair gone, replaced by short brown hair...oh everything gone. I just feel totally and completely lost.
Sorry...this thread isn't about me just wanted you to know that I know how you feel and I'm sending you a big hug.
Love
Vickie

karen1956 · June 2007

Lisa - what you wrote brought tears to my eyes. So much of what you wrote, I also feel in my heart. I wish you years of NED and hope that one day again you will feel good. Isn't this place just the best where people know just what we mean and feel. HUGS!!! Karen in Denver

lizws · June 2007

Lisa, you are a beautiful woman. I'm not sure any of us feel the same after we've lost what we have. Your post made me cry and realize I've had those same feelings just haven't acknowledged them in a very long time.

We love you.
Liz

honeygirl · June 2007

Oh Lisa , you have brought tears to my eyes too. This is a great place to come and share your thoughts , feelings etc... because we know exactly what you are feeling. I feel just like you. I loved the old me. And it broke my heart when I lost a part of me I will never get back , physically , mentally and emotionally. But I feel sometimes we are "stripped naked" to be renewed. I don't look the same , or feel the same , my outlook on things have changed. But that part of me that when my Son calls me and just "needs to talk to me" or the way I make my sister laugh or the way she makes me laugh or shares thoughts and passions with me. The content feeling my Mom gives me when I hear her voice on the phone. The way my SO has been by my side and treats me the same. That part of me will never change. The soul and spirit part of us no cancer or anything else can take away from us. Hang in there Lisa , Gods peace and Blessings to you and your family always.

newter · June 2007

I feel a lot like you, Lisa. BC has taken my health, my looks, my energy, my fun loving personality, my brain cells. I really think this disease has made me a lot more self-centered by default because surviving and getting through a day of work, kids, dr appointments is so much harder now. I find it hard to concentrate like I used to because my mind reverts back to BC and such. I now live in fear of mets or new primary. I am an insurance drain and worry about reaching that magic "lifetime maximum" number. Every little discomfort is cause for worry. I have more surgery to look forward to due to BRCA 1 status.

Yes, I lost so much and what I have gained has been very unwelcomed. My relationships are not the same because I can't relate to regular healthy people like I used to. They complain about the problems in their life and I just think I would love to trade places with most of them. (I know to be careful what I wish for but still can't help it)

This board has kept me sane and given me a place to hang out and people I can relate to. It has been the one positive out of all the negatives. But then again, I am hanging out on a "cancer board". How sad is that. I should be hanging out with my husband or friends and neighbors, not a cancer board every night.

OMG, so sorry for rambling on and on.

Newter

nosurrender · June 2007

FOUND

Beautiful woman with heart of gold.
Strong, loving, dearly loved, friend to many, sister to millions.
Wife of a man who loves the woman she is, no matter what she has gone through
Mom to adoring kids who don't see the patient but see the parent, the one who will never let them down and who they love more each and every day.
My friend who I treasure.
She is a work in progress and will come out of this and when she least expects it will meet the new Lisa... the warrior Lisa, who laughs longer and loves deeper and who lives every minute, each and every minute of every day and celebrates it.....

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY LISA- you came out the other side of the hardest part... it has only been a year....just wait- the butterfly is about to spread her beautiful wings and fly.

Love you,
g

iodine · June 2007

I cannot say it any better than NS said it above, Lisa. welcome to the other side of the year. You are on your way to the downhill part: the second year. Congratulations!

lisaelder1972 · June 2007

OK,my turn to cry now.You are all amazing and your responses above are just what I was referring to in my post.No matter what my problem may be my beautiful BCO sisters always come through with understanding and love.Gina,your post was amazing,thank you sweetie.Thank you all and just remember I am only a click or a phone call away.I love you all with all my heart.

Hugs,
Lisa

susan_02143 · June 2007

Lisa,

This post shows that the old Lisa and the new Lisa have common roots. My best to you as you learn to love the new Lisa fully. Mourning the past is okay, but look to the future and see how much the new Lisa has to offer the world.

*susan*

Sandra1957 · June 2007

"Lost" ~ Michael Buble

I can't believe it's over
I watched the whole thing fall
And I never saw the writing that was on the wall
If I don't land
The days were slipping past
That the good things never last
That you were crying

Summer turned to winter
And the snow it turned to rain
And the rain turned into tears upon your face
I hardly recognized the girl you are today
And god I hope it's not too late
It's not too late
'Cause you are not alone
I'm always there with you
And we'll get lost together
Till the light comes pouring through
'Cause when you feel like you're done
And the darkness has won
Babe, you're not lost
When your worlds crashing down
And you can't bear the thought
I said, babe, you're not lost

Life can show no mercy
It can tear your soul apart
It can make you feel like you've gone crazy
But you're not
Things have seem to changed
There's one thing that's still the same
In my heart you have remained
And we can fly fly fly away

'Cause you are not alone
And I am there with you
And we'll get lost together
Till the light comes pouring through
'Cause when you feel like you're done
And the darkness has won
Babe, you're not lost
When the worlds crashing down
And you can not bear to crawl
I said, baby, you're not lost
I said, baby, you're not lost
I said, baby, you're not lost
I said, baby, you're not lost

Keep hanging tough, Lisa.

lini

threadbear · June 2007

Dear Lisa, I was so touched by your first post I couldn't respond. When I have days like that, I can't post. This is a very safe place to vent, but how awesome is your bravery!

I feel like tempered steel- when it's hot, it really hurts. But I'm so much stronger when it cools down. You will be, too. You've been through so much, and at a young age. Be kind to yourself, and know your strength is in there, waiting to emerge! I'll be keeping you in my thoughts.

Laura

KariLynn · June 2007

Lisa,

Congrats on making it one year! I just passed two and the new Kari is not the one I would have chosen, but DH and the kids and my family and friends love her so that's good enough!

I have become the biggest slacker! I used to cook 6 dinners a week (we usually go out Friday) but now I have little interest. I cook because we can't go out all the time ($$$) but not much that requires effort.

The house has a layer of dust on it that someone with dust allergies should probably do something about - would rather not - old Kari would hop up and clean it. I no longer hop!

But anyway, after two years I have come to learn to love the new Kari too - it's still the same me but with some nicks. Take it easy on yourself, you are probably the only one who hates the new Lisa - everyone else is happy to have her around!

Hugs,
Kari

PS - I would imagine there is a retirement or nursing home where you could volunteer an hour or two or adopt a couple of residents who don't get visitors. Turn the new Lisa into someone you can love!

PPS - if you can afford someone to help with housework, you might feel less bad about that. We have to re-prioritize and I doubt a dirty bathroom is on anyone's list!

Chattypatti · June 2007

Your last paragraph started with "reinventing" Lisa. That's exactly what you're doing. It's a new you. You may not know it yet, but you are stronger and wiser. You will rise up again from the ashes of your "old life" and begin anew. Hang in there and get to know the new you. You will come to love her again.
Patti

Toronto · June 2007

I had to wait a while to respond. That was one powerful statement. Good for you for laying it out there. I have a feeling the new Lisa is going to be a force to be reckoned with.

Live long and prosper (or are you too young to recognize that)

PoohRN1962 · June 2007

Lisa, you ARE beautiful.
I, too, feel so many losses this past year, but there is also hope.

Thank you for your beautiful post, and congratulations on your 1 year. Here's to many, many more...

Pauline3837 · June 2007

Just bumping this up because many cyber sisters feel this way and can benefit from the responses.

shokk · June 2007

Marsha this is for you.......think about it........you may have to let part of the old Marsha go......but there is a wiser Marsha on the other side.......love ya.......

sherloc · June 2007

Holy Moly girls. I so didn't need a crying headache this morning.
The Shirley I used to know is indeed long gone. But I can honestly say three years later the New Shirley is so much better. A bit more achey, a bit less tolerant, a bit more saucey, a much better wife, mom, sister, friend, woman.
A toast to each and every one of us as we "reinvent" ourselves.

sherloc · June 2007

Thank you Lisa and thank you dear sisters. This thread has inspired me to finally finish the poem/song I started 3 years ago. Never could think of an ending till now. So hear it is in all it's corny glory. Dedicated to everyone of you. My sisters, my friends. Good Lord how I hate crying.

New Reality
words by Shirley Larson

Doctor said, the tests are back
the news is very bad.
Your gonna need some surgery
And drugs, and lots of scans.
Don't be afraid, we'll fix you up.
Your gonna be ok
By the way, I forgot to say
Welcome to... your New Reality.

But the grass is greener
the sky is bluer
and childrens laughter fills my ears.
I've learned to dance,
O aint life grand
In this New Reality.

So here we go, lets kill this beast.
Come fill me with your poison.
Yes I'm afraid, but I'll survive
Living in my New Reality.

I've changed it's true, of course I have
I've been to hell and back
But from this day, till journeys end.
I'll embrace my New Reality.

Cause the grass is greener
The sky is bluer
Childrens laughter fills my ears.
I've learned to dance,
O aint life grand
In my New Reality.

Take my hand, my sister friend
I'll walk with you thru the fire.
A candle must burn to shine it's light
On your New Reality

nitewind · June 2007

What an amazing post! You posted just how I feel. I celebrated my year in May but I still haven't come to terms with my "new" self. I hate looking in the mirror because I don't know who that person is looking back at me. I used to keep my dear sweet grandson before all this, I had him three days a week and we had such fun. Now, I can't find the energy to spend two hours with him. I hate what this monster disease has done to me, everyone tells me I look good and things are all back to normal but they will never be normal again. The fear is always there, I feel like I've aged 30 years in one years time. Thank God that I can come here and vent because I can't do it anywhere else.(except maybe in the shower and then it's all tears). I know that we will survive and get thru this but when? It's so easy to not know who I am or if I will ever be back.
Hugs

shokk · June 2007

((((Sherloc))))) that is so moving.......wow......thanks for sharing.......geez now I'm tearing up.........

One year ago today

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