Starting Chemo in JAN 2007

Lynn12 · June 2007

Joni, how many fields do you have? Do they do the rad with and without the bolus to the same area each day? I have 2 fields. On Mon/Wed/Fri I have the bolus and Tue/Thu I have the radiation without the bolus. They don't do the same area twice in a day. Hope you have a nice drive tomorrow.

We are finally getting some rain, supposed to rain/thunderstorm for the next 2 days. We need it. Everything is so dry.

Skye, I still crack up a Wingate Clapper. LOL! So glad you have your plan now.

How many rad treatments is everyone having?

Mizsissy, I'm still losing my hair! So much so that I had to use the lint brush on my head because there is hair everywhere, but I refuse to shave it. The hair has also stopped growing on other parts of my body, geesh! I am so bummed, but I have to believe it won't last for long.

Tina, hope you had a nice time at the wedding, I love going to weddings!

Well, I'll be starting my tamoxifen tomorrow. Still apprehensive, but know I just gotta do it. Big girl panties are on.

Ally is sleeping at a friends tonight, so dh and I are spending a nice evening together. I had a couple diet cokes to add some caffeine so I don't fall asleep at 9.

Have an nice evening!

Lynn

NOLONGERREADINGORPOSTING · June 2007

Today I cleaned and organized the big walk in closet, cleaned two bathrooms, finished a dress, and then cleaned the master bedroom and put fresh linens everywhere..whew!!!

Two days out of RADS!!!

Joni, that's lots of zaps, I just got two each time.

Lynn..I think we taxotere girls got the worst of the hair loss. Maybe it will grow faster once it gets started again!!!

luckymel · June 2007

Hi, everyone! I'm here, don't frorget about me - not posting for a couple days because I've just had a lot going on, and haven't been feeling very well, but I'm here, and reading all the posts. Don't know if I can say everything I want to say to everyone without putting you all to sleep, but I'll at least step in here and try to catch up.

First, Mizsissy, put TPPJ's picture up where we can all see it! She's been a mystery woman long enough, and the way I understood it, she is ready to show herself. Am I not right, Tina?

Shall I catch up on me first? I'm having my surgery on Tuesday, still - bilateral mastectomy only with diep to follow at a later date. I think if I were having the whole thing at once, I'd be feeling more positive, with a "new me" to come out of the whole thing, but as it is, I'm just having my breasts removed, period. I'm starting to realize that this is for real, they aren't coming back, etc. - as much as I've never been a big fan of the breasts I have, it's still beginning to feel like a big loss somehow. It may be partly because I just feel like crap, in general. I've got chronic pain to start with, before any of this happened, and this has made it all so much worse. I hurt all the time, everywhere, and so I'm taking pain meds, and those make me feel, well, like pain meds make you feel. And I still hurt. I have neuropathy in my hands and feet, and that hurts, in addition to numbness. I have lost 21 lb. with the diuretics, but I still have swelling, and my legs just hurt like crazy all the time, even to touch them. The massage therapist said it was lymph nodes, and that everything was all clogged up down there and it would just take time. I've lost two toenails, several more are dark or black so will maybe go also. I can't wear regular shoes, because it hurts when my nails (or lack thereof) rub against the shoes. I can't wear sandals, because my toenails are so hideous. Nailbeds hurt, especially in my fingers, and the loose fingernails have gotten a fungal infection in three of them at least, so I'll probably lose some of those. I've jumped through hoops trying to get a prescription for that, and should have it Monday if labwork comes back ok. My blood pressure is so low that I get dizzy everytime I stand up. ll have tubes in my eyes, and they drive my crazy. Oh, I'm on a roll now, aren't I? I've just got to get it out there, I think I'll feel better.

Ok, so for some reason, I've gotten no paycheck from my job for a month! I should have been paid two weeks ago, a partial paycheck, and then that would have been it. However, they didn't put that in, and evidently after I called and complained about that they didn't put it in for this pay period either. Then yesterday I got a letter from my disability company saying they were pleased to tell me that I had been approved for disability benefits through June 5! (My surgery is June 5) If I am unable to return to work by June 6, my attending physician has to send treatment records, documentation, etc. from all treating doctors to them before they will consider extending my benefits. So Monday, the day before my surgery, I have to get that straightened out, and my onc isn't even in the office until Wednesday! Meanwhile my dh is having major anxiety over finances as we are out of money and it is only June 2 (although mortgage, etc. is paid). I haven't even SEEN my general surgeon in over two months and his office is hopeless to deal with. And I've got to handle it all. I'm overwhelmed. I think the main thing is, I just don't feel up to dealing with anything. I've been strong and I've had a good attitude, and I don't know where all this poor me stuff is coming from, but right now I just feel like I can't pull myself out of the black hole.

Today I went out to lunch with work friends - these are, some of them, current work friends, and some friends who have been gone for a few years, and about one a year, which is sadly not enough, we all get together. I've been looking forward to this for months. And I just sat there, at the end of the table, and felt so out of it. I didn't want to talk about me, and I think everybody kind of avoided the subject, but it just sort of made me realize how out of it I am now that I'm not working. I felt like a cancer patient, not one of the group, and it was all I could do not to just sit there and cry. Suddenly I don't feel so positive. I'm not so sure about my prognosis. After Tuesday, treatment is over for me. No radiation, no tamoxifen - I'm done. I'm triple negative. I have cancer or I don't, whichever it is now. I've never felt like this before, and I know this isn't a good time to feel like this, right before surgery, but here it is. I know everybody has their dark moments, and I've had a few, but not many. Usually I just bottle them up, but this one won't fit in the bottle. Hope I don't bring everybody down with me. Like I said, I just needed to get it out there. I think I'm beginning to feel better already. Back in a few...

Lynn12 · June 2007

Oh Mel, big hugs for you! You have a surgery looming a few days from now and of course you have some anxiety. The night before my mastectomy I had similar feelings. DH and I just didn't know what to do knowing I would be losing my breast the next day. So he took pictures. I'm so glad he did. I think it's totally normal to feel as you do, you are losing part of your body. But just think, the cancer will be then gone from your body. You've been through a lot of treatment and have enduring tons of se. I hope you can be at peace that you have done all you can and hit the cancer with the big guns. You'll be a whole new you, cancer free! You'll soon be able to say 'I HAD cancer'!

Hang in there my friend! We are all here for you!

love and hugs,
Lynn

meliaanne · June 2007

Mel, Sweetie, you are dealing with so much. I am so sorry that you are still in pain. And all the insane bureaucracy that you are having to handle is outrageous. I wish I could help you. Perhaps, just perhaps, it is better that you are having the surgery in stages. I think the diep is fairly involved and painful, isn't it? And mastectomy is not. It doesn't sound to me like you need more pain, and your body doesn't need a bigger assault right now.

I think that on top of everything else, worrying about money is pretty much the last straw. To not be paid what you are due, and to have to fight for disability, is inexcusable. I remember that you worked as long as you could, probably longer than you should have. Poor brave girl.

And feeling out of it socially is painful too. I honestly believe that no one who has not been thru this has any idea how tough it is. Fighting for our lives, losing breasts and hair on top of it all, feeling crappy, having to endure toxic chemicals pumped into us, it is all so much. But I look around me and see that people in my life, with the exception of husband and kids, have pretty much forgotten that I am still in the midst of it all, that it isn't a five day flu, it's a year long process, and we are still terrified. We are fighting something we cannot see and didn't cause, and most of us found by accident. Of course you feel awful. And no one is nurturing you.

We are all here for you. Sometimes it seems strange to me that my biggest cheerleaders are women I have never, and probably will never, meet. But we all get it. And we can fall apart here in a way we can't in our own lives. I know if I show fear, my husband panics, and I end up comforting him. Not what I want to do. So use us as your sounding board, and as your support. We all care very much about you, and we understand. You can rant and vent all you want. We all just wish we had magic wands to help you.
Melia

Caya · June 2007

Mel
It's good that you wrote down all your feelings, it's cathartic to get it all out - the anxiety you are feeling is normal, and I agree with Lynn - remember you will be able to say I HAD cancer - and your DIEP surgery will be here sooner than you know, and you'll have 22 year old boobs -
I also had a rough week with the headache from hell, among other things... and I also felt a bit depressed - do you have any Ativan? If so, use it - this is the time.
And don't worry, everything will work out in the end. I'm triple +, you're triple - , hey isn't there a song something to that effect? Listen, they are coming out with new treatments every day - you've done all you can, try not to worry about it - the last thing you need now is more stress.
I'm sending you a big cyberhug - try to relax.
hugs
caya

Caya · June 2007

Mizsissy -
You go girl! But be careful not to overdo it!!
I had a very lazy day - DH is in New York,had the houae
to myself today - did some paperwork, read a bit, picked up a few things at the grocery store, sat outside with some of the neighbours tonight on my porch - almost felt normal, except for the headscarf and swollen left ankle, almost no eyebrow/eyelashes - ah, the lovely Taxotere s/e.s Oh Lynn and Mizsissy- does this mean my hair will fall out AGAIN - thanks to the Taxoere? although I have to tell you, my hair never totally fell out, i had a bit of grey hairs and some dark stubble all along...
Melia, you are so right, not many people "get" this crap - it's so nice to have all you gals to talk with... I also feel I can't really let all my fears out , as DH, DDs and Mom start to panic, so I have to be the brave one.
caya

luckymel · June 2007

Ok, now I'm better. Congrats to Nancy, for being done with the dreaded monster taxol! And to Amera and Mizsissy for being done with rads! That is so wonderful, and I'm so happy for all of you. I sort of thought I was the only one who was having this post-chemo toxicity going on, but I see that there are several of us who are having symptoms several weeks out. This too shall pass, right? I'm proud of those of you who have chosen to just go "topless" already. I'm not close to doing that, yet, just a bit of stubble. However, I pretty much live in a buff when I'm at home. Don't know what I'd have done without them. Nothing else fits my big head or looks right on me. I'm just a buff girl, I guess.

I'm so bummed I missed the chat the other night. I'd have loved that. Will probably miss Tuesday's also because of surgery, but will try to be there on Thursday.

Amera, I feel bad - I was going to warn you about the waxing and I forgot! I have a little home waxing kit (Poetic Waxing, if anyone wants to try it - it's great). I tried back during chemo to wax away a few stray hairs and nearly ripped my skin off, and my skin is much more sensitive now. I won't be trying that again for a while. Everybody else be careful. My one long eyebrow hair fell out - I kind of miss it!

Got my Carolyn Kaelin book this week - it's not the one about getting through breast cancer, it's an exercise book, targeting the various kinds of breast surgeries you might have, etc. Looks very good. The other book I may return, the one everyone said is a downer. I don't need that, and I don't feel like I've been victimized my having breast cancer, or my life has been totally ruined, so I'm not sure that a book written with that perspective would do me much good. Anyone - is it worth reading or not? The After Breast Cancer one, is the book I'm talking about.

Melia, I can't wait to hear about the wolf preserve. Sounds very cool. Skye, be sure you take a pic of you in your new wig for us all to see, although I am attached to ol' red. I got a new wig too, but it's just the same one I had, since my old one was getting worn. Why mess with success? I'm glad Wingate Clapper turned out to be a good guy. Maybe someday you can ask him about his name. Mizsissy, I love your hair dream - especially where you had your dh come check to be sure it was real and not a dream. tlc, you must be superwoman - with all the side effects, keeping up that schedule and running a family. What am I complaining about? You put me to shame. Joni, you sound good. I wish I lived up near you, would love to be able to get to the mountains so easily. In a few years, I'll have a mountain in my backyard, but for now we're stuck down here in the swamp. I was driving on the tollway today and thought about when you got stuck without any American money on the tollway. I cracked up thinking about it - my laugh for the day. Lynn, I can't believe you're losing hair still - or again. Nothing you can do, I guess, but for what it's worth - UNFAIR!!! Thanks for your words of support. I thought you were having an evening alone with dh? Or do you still keep checking the boards - I do that. Drives him crazy. Caya, hope your headache is staying away and your computer woes are soon behind you. Mary, hope you are soon feeling better. I should be talking to you - we're in close to the same place.

Ok, I have a funny for you all. At least, I think it's funny. Before I met and married Larry, 15 happy years ago, I spent 10-12 years entangled with someone I loved (and will always love) very much, but it was not really a happy or healthy relationship. Not a bad guy, but bad for me at that time. We still keep in touch, very sporadically (like every few years). Anyway, he has recently put out some cd's, that are very good - as in, if I didn't know him, I would still listen to them! I emailed to compliment him, and he asked for my critique. Most are instrumental, but one with words I said that I hated at first because, although it was a good song, I felt like he had pulled out the bitter and negative part of his personality that had been so damaging to me, way back when, and written words to express that, so it was hard to hear. He rather sheepishly wrote back and said that he had written that song after reading the book "Hannibal Rising" and was using Hannibal as his inspiration for the words! Guess he knows how I remember our time together!

Rebecca, thanks for the gift of more pictures of your lovely family. The little cabin looks like it will take a bit of rehabbing, yet, but what a neat thing to have. How far away is it, from you?

I agree with everyone who has had people suddenly expecting them to be ok now. Most people just don't want to have to deal with it anymore, I think. They want us to be ok. So, I try to be ok, give the people what they want. That's why we have each other. I promise not to continue to wail and moan - I really don't do that much in real life.

DH is getting stressed about money, since I've had no income for a while and we are unsure what the disability will do (although they'll pay in the end, they may delay). So, hard to budget. Anyway, last night, I was reading using my booklight, which runs on three RECHARGEABLE aaa batteries, which last for months at a time. So, he comes up to me and says that I'd better turn off that light, it's using batteries. I said well, they were rechargeables anyway, and he said "they don't have an infinite capacity for being recharged, you know." Poor guy - I guess when you can't control the big things in life, you pick your battles, huh? That's one I'm going to remember. Like the time he told me I didn't have to read every page of the newspaper, that wasn't what it was for ??????

Ok, I'm going to lose everybody if I don't shut up, so I'll stop. Thank you all for being such magnificent people and such wonderful friends. Hugs to all, and thank you all so very much for being here.

TPPJ · June 2007

Oh guys, tons of posts tonight. I'll read them all manana. Wedding was good. I don't quite know how to upload my pics onto this site, but if you want to see my hair (or lack thereof) e me at tinajones@aol.com and I'll forward it to you.

Robbin65 · June 2007

Quote:

Two days out of RADS!!!

Joni, that's lots of zaps, I just got two each time.

MizSissy,

Two days out of rads??? CONGRADULATIONS!

I get 4 zaps each day. 2 in each direction. My question is... how did it go, how do you feel? I am half way through and then I am DONE!!!

Are you tired at all? Did you have any damage to the breast area? Just curious...

viddie · June 2007

Dear Mel,
I am sending big hugs to you. I am so sorry you are not feeling well. I wish I could be there to give you a big hug. It is okay to feel yucky and it is even better to express how you feel. It does seem to make things a little bit better. That's why we are here. We understand. Feeling crappy is no fun. Cancer is shitty. We all have our real bad days, but we somehow pull through. You sound better now. Writing it down and sharing your feelings with us does help.
Is your massage therapist helping with your neuropathy? I agree with Caya that if you have ativan, this is the time to take it.
Maybe it is best that you are having the mastectomy first. That way your body can heal longer before you have the long Diep surgery. You are very brave. You are the first of us to have the Diep surgery. It is indeed scary to have your breasts removed, but you are also removing the cancer threat and in a month or two from now you will have new perky cancer free breasts.
Bureaucracy can be a bitch, but you have very good cause, you have already did 99% of all the paperwork, and once the glitch is straightened out, they should take care of it.
Money has also been an issue and concern for us lately. We were all working prior this, and did not expect this to happen. We will be back to work, and things will improve. Right now, we have to let go and take care of ourselves.
Things will get better.
I am glad you told us how you feel. We all care about you. I am glad you sound better now. I hope you can rest tomorrow. Of course your body is tired and hurting - it is recovering from all the toxins you had to endure. The one good thing is that those toxins kill the cancer. We will be here to help you through. Please keep writing. Tons of hugs to you.
Love,
Viddie

TPPJ · June 2007

QUOTE: After Tuesday, treatment is over for me. No radiation, no tamoxifen - I'm done. I'm triple negative. I have cancer or I don't, whichever it is now. I've never felt like this before, and I know this isn't a good time to feel like this, right before surgery, but here it is. I know everybody has their dark moments, and I've had a few, but not many. Usually I just bottle them up, but this one won't fit in the bottle.

Oh, Mel... good luck on Tues. I can relate to what you said above. Try to remember when you feel oh, I'm triple neagative, I've done all I can do... that we all feel like that, whether we "get to" take Tamoxifen, Herceptin, whatver. And bottom line, from all I read and God knows, thats far too much, it's all a crapshoot... women w/tiny tumors can do terrible and those with "gentle giants" can go on forever..... I'm really thinking it's out of our hands. We have done all we can and we have to trust in it. Boy, do I need to convince myself on that last line more often...

skyedivine · June 2007

Hey Mel, you have so much to deal with, I think you are doing an amazing job of it. Know we will all be thinking and/or praying for you on Tuesday. And eventually when you do go back to work, you will be "in" with them again. For right now, you are totally in with US! I personally thank God every day for every one of you and wonder what state I'd be in right now if I hadn't stumbled upon this thread. Meant to be, I sincerely believe!
I had an insane worry for months that was just relieved. I'd had this dream that seemed very profound, where I was trying to convince some sort of authority figures that I could accomplish some important task, and they were telling me I only had until May. I interpreted that as meaning I only had til May to live. I've had some precognitive dreams in my life and this one seemed real, so I was holding my breath all last month. Every day I'd wake up and think, wow, I'm still here. And when the 31st came and went with me still on this side of the grass, I realized that stupid as I was for taking it so seriously, it was still probably good daily practice to be that happy about being here even with our roof starting to leak, unlaunched son moving home, doc and insurance probs, funky fingernails, etc.. Not that it gets rid of any problems or that I won't ever feel nervous or worried about the prognosis again, it just strangely helps.
And Mel you won't ever lose us no matter how long you go on. I feel honored that you trust us enough to share everything.
P.S. I'm curious, did your dh ever tell you what the newspaper IS for? :-)
--Skye

IowaCindy · June 2007

Some times it seems as if we're handling this all okay and then BAM - it feels as if it's piling on and it's too much.

When you call work on Monday, establish a relationship with someone in HR or whoever helps. Let them know that you'll be contacting them personally to follow up on the disability issues. That way you don't have to keep explaining from scratch if there are more calls. I've been able to go to the same woman these past months in getting my disability managed. She's done a great job. (Maybe you should ask for "Julie" )

Cindy

PS I think it's okay to have some anticipatory grief in losing your bosoms. Go ahead. Talk to them, give them a loving pat.

IowaCindy · June 2007

P.S. I'm curious, did your dh ever tell you what the newspaper IS for? :-)

wrapping Fish

Bird cages

puppy training

IowaCindy · June 2007

sheez, that hair thing is really strange amongst us all. I lost mine on AC. It started back slowly after the second Taxotere tx. Although my brows and lashes continued to fall out. They warned me that my hair might fall out after I was done with Taxotere but it didn't happen.

It's really coming in now. Very thick. Very, very, very short still. Very salt and pepper with my white spots. I definitely look like the mother of my blue heeler dog!

IowaCindy · June 2007

"Cindy, I didn't feel like we answered too much re your concerns a while back about finding a partner. What is your thinking on that now?"

Those thoughts seem to have receded from the forefront of my mind. I spent some time thinking on it and believe myself discerning enough to avoid a man that would give me grief about my body.

Right now it's a non-issue as far as there being a gentleman on the horizon. At least I haven't recognized him as such. And I've felt pretty yucky this week with the rebound chemo effect and the radiation fatigue.

Actually, I don't why I've felt so bad. I've been light-headed the last two days and that's new for me. I don't know what's causing that. I'll have the nurses at work check my blood pressure on Monday if it continues.

Oh yeah, my toes are peeling. The skin mostly on the ends are peeling off. My nails are okay, though. How strange is that?!?!?!

It's always something to think about with this cancer stuff, huh?

Cindy

NOLONGERREADINGORPOSTING · June 2007

Mel,

We know you are going through a whole lot. A double mastectomy is a really big deal and it takes a lot of courage to go through with it, especially knowing that it will take stages and more surgeries before your body starts looking whole again. BC is very humiliating for women...the surgeries, the chemo, the hair loss, the weight gain, the hormonals..but we know why we do it, because staying alive and healthy is more important than any of those things. But there is no single thing that can not be overcome and dealt with, and you will be fine.

We will be sending you positive thoughts and praying for you on Tuesday. What time is your surgery?

xxxooo Mizsissy

NOLONGERREADINGORPOSTING · June 2007

Robbin,

Everybody probably responds differently to radiation but I noticed that it made me a little sleepy after a few weeks. Week 4 or 5 were the critical ones when your skin starts getting pink. Then it gets red, and for a short time you actually get a sunburn. My nipple got very tender for a while. I also think I overdid it a few times and I got very tired and learned to take it easy.

I have had one wierd thing and that's some heart problems, but I had a history of heart problems; I've had a little arrhythmia and breathlessness but I don't know whether it's from the chemo or the radiation.

But then, once they stopped the big zaps and started the boosters the skin started to heal and my energy came back. They've told me I'll probably feel a lot better in two weeks, but that fatigue can last 4-6 weeks.

Anyway..it's great to have energy coming back just out of nowhere..kind of like having a new life with lots of blank books to fill. A surprise you didn't expect.

Mizsissy

Amera · June 2007

Robbin, I did really well with radiation. I felt pretty normal throughout. I did get some minor itching and dryness on my skin. The boosts did make me feel more sunburned but I've been using my burn blocker cream (they gave me some at rads) and it appears to be working well.

I am tired now that I'm finished. It is strange. I really felt well during rads, continued to run and get back in shape. But suddenly I don't have quite the stamina I had. I think it's a delayed effect since I finished last Thurs.

I went to the gym yesterday and got through a very tough class but needed many breaks. A week ago I didn't need any. But really, it's nothing major. In fact, if I hadn't just been through chemo and rads, I'd chalk it up to allergies.

My breast looks just the same, just a little pink in spots, and that's fading. Hang in there. Half way through--yippee!

Amera · June 2007

Mel, I totally understand the work anxiety. I took the second half of the school year off and won't be back until Sept. I went to the high school graduation yesterday and I was an anxious mess beforehand. It didn't turn out to be bad. People were really nice and happy to see me and it was great to see the kids. I had a lot of seniors before I left and they all gave me big hugs. Even the giant football players. It was really nice.

Everyone kept saying how good I looked. I think, really, that they were expecting me to weigh 70 pounds and have green skin. The eyebrows coming in really make a difference. In fact, one of the cosmotology teachers (it's a comprehensive high school with lots of tech studies programs) commented on how mice they looked. Good thing after going through all that pain to get them that way

I am also going back next week for an end of the year luncheon. I have my two good friends meeting me at the door so that when I walk in, it won't be as much of a big deal. I realize that folks won't be as interested in me as I imagine. But it will be wierd and as far as my anxiety level about the "big reveal" I think it will help to not have to go it alone.

I am using this as a small way to transition back to work. It is a huge school and I'd say maybe about a third of the folks know. I imagine it will be like diving into a sea of turtle faces but am hoping it is not.

Hang in there. Finishing treatment has been weird. I have been busy so I haven't had much time to think about things. However, I do know that evey ache and pain makes me think twice.

And as far as that book, it is useful in some ways. But honestly, I think this group is the best resource and support I have encountered. The book says nothing new and honestly, she is a bit of a downer. If I'm in a down mood it helps, but if I'm upbeat and looking for some positive stuff, it's not the book for me.

NOLONGERREADINGORPOSTING · June 2007

To you gals who have allergies,

I developed allergies very late in life and recently have hay fever symptoms. I felt absolutely great yesterday when we had the house closed up for the AC, but it cooled off last night and I had the window open. I started getting a little congestion but I didn't want to take a zyrtec because it makes me too groggy the next day, so I decided to wait until morning and take a Claritin (which will keep me up at night).

I woke up this AM struggling to breath because my nostrils were closing up...a little scary. Took a claritin. The congestion has cleared but I feel weak and tired. Is this a symptom of hay fever..just a general weakness & fatigue? Or am I just tired?

Mizsissy

TPPJ · June 2007

QUOTE:
And when the 31st came and went with me still on this side of the grass

SKYE!!!!! LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!

TPPJ · June 2007

MizSissy,

I never had allergies in my life and I have had an ever so slight stuffy nose, red eyes... so I think I may have a touch of them now. I'm def. not sick. I feel great.

Rebecca · June 2007

Mary- be careful an do not push yourself too hard with the weights! You will get back to it for sure, it will just take time.

Skye I am so glad that things went well with Dr Wingate Clapper (I still giggle when I read the namehow silly). I think that it is hilarious that he LOOKS like his name would suggest.

Regarding Rads: I get two zaps each time, and I am getting 14 with the bolus, and 14 without.

Lynn that really stinks about your hair! I have a little bit starting to come back in, but it is not very firmly attached. I called it my 1 oclock shadow . My eyelashes and eyebrows are still falling out, never mind coming back in. UGH Do not fret the tamoxifenit is a breeze, particularly compared to what we have been through. I still get hot flashes but they are not nearly as bad as before!

Speaking of change.I went out and got new glasses yesterday, and they are totally unlike anything that I have ever worn before. I am a little nervous, but there was a voice inside my head egging me on! Instead of the conservative small wire frames that I usually get, I bought big, bold colorful plastic frames. Maybe later I will post a pic for you all. I have not decided if I like them or not.I guess time will tell. I wonder if it means anything that I made such a dramatic change? They are certainly comfortableand when they darken they are AWESOME sunglasses.

Mel- first of all HUGS! Then, I just have to say that it is so completely unfair that you have to deal with all of this NOWnow is the time that you need the support, and you have to go around and beg for it. That is inexcusable! I would also like to know what they based your disability benefits onit sounds like a mistake. Back to work the day after surgery? LUDICROUS! Whoops.got to your next post. Glad that you are feeling better.HUGS again for good measure and being such a strong wonderful woman. I am glad you enjoyed the picturesI love to take photos (artsy and otherwise) and I love to share them. The cabin is about 4 hours away from our home. One day I think we will move there permanently, but not until the kids are grown.

ARGH I did not check the list at all yesterdaywe had a family day at the pool, and I have so many to catch up on. I am about done for nowI will post again later. Happy Sunday everyone!

goldnmom · June 2007

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{MEL}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}......damn this horrible disease! All of this just sucks, and we still have to endure it. One thing I have decided, we will get through this as the warriors we didn't know we could be. You are facing the big test of your surgery, but you will pass with flying colors! It's okay to feel down and overwhelmed...it will pass and you will put your fighting gloves on again. It dawned on me one day just how tough we really are to go through this. I thought to myself, from here on out, just don't mess with me!!!! All will work out for you too, disability and all. Good idea someone had about keeping in touch with only one HR person.

I'll be thinking about you all day on the 8th. Is there any way your husband can post after your surgery? We will be on pins and needles to hear about you...

Ellie

Anonymous · June 2007

Mary I had my mastectomy on 12/18 and the numbness has gotten better. Its still there, but I can tell a difference. The tightness is almost completely gone. It really only bothers me under my arm. If Id done a better job with stretching during chemo, it would probably be better than it is. The part that really bothers me is the drain site which still has some tightness and keeps me from sleeping on my left side. But dont get too discouraged. I can tell a big difference over the last 5 months and if I hadnt been on chemo during that time I think it would have improved even more. Finding something to wear will get much easier as time goes on. At first I would wear the camisole only when I had to and then jump right into PJs by dinner time. I liked wearing a very soft cotton tank top underneath. By 6 weeks I was comfortable enough to go get fitted for a prothesis and mastectomy bras. Once I did that I was able to wear regular clothes. Still, I could only keep in on during the day at first. Now I manage to wait until after dinner in the evening to put my PJs on.

Cindy I had the same skin changes too. The one thing that was nice about chemo for me. Im dreading my old, oily skin coming back.

Mizsissy Ive had a very similar hair dream. I find myself looking in the mirror everyday hoping to see some new growth!

Joni I am laughing about Thor. Maybe tug of war would be a better game for him

Lynn I cant believe you are still losing hair! Its got to stop soon.

Mel I am sorry that you are feeling so bad. The loss from having a mastectomy is very real. It is good that your diep will follow soon after. Maybe all the post surgery pain meds will cheer you up some I cant believe you have to go through so much crap for the paycheck and disability. Honestly, those insurance folks have no compassion whatsoever. I hope all goes smoothly on Tuesday. Post as soon after as you can to let us know you are OK. On the topic of books I am taking a break from cancer reading. I just get myself too worked up. Im about halfway through The Art of Happiness which I am so enjoying. I find it very uplifting and positive and directly applicable to everything I am dealing with now.

Chat I like the idea of a standing Tues. and Thursday time so that whoever is available can drop in.

We went to an annual cancer survivors day cookout this weekend. It was a bit too much cancer for me, but they had great kids games and activities so it was worth it for a morning of wearing out the kids. I met a woman with 2 pet therapy dogs and got some good information from her. Its my goal for the summer to get one of our dogs trained to pass the exam so we can do pet therapy work. All of the stories here about biting/barking dogs make me so made. We put a lot of time and energy into our dogs to make sure that they are good neighbors. I dont understand why people let their dogs get so out of control.

I started tamoxifen on Thursday. So far I havent noticed any side effects. Im still having lots of hot flashes, no different than during chemo.

skyedivine · June 2007

Hi Ladies,
Cindy I have that same peeling toe problem. Looks icky with sandals and foot creme doesn't control it much. Strange!
Rebecca I love the idea of the big colored glasses. I told dh yesterday that I am seriously entertaining the thought of coloring my hair blue when it gets half an inch long or so. A nice flattering teal. I thought if my nails fall off and I have to wear gloves I'll wear some retro ones with blue polka dots that I have and finally look strange enough to write the books that I do. People always express surprise that I look too normal and conservative for what I write so maybe this is a chance to express my true self?

PITY PARTY ALERT! I'm moping today because we had planned to meet our Milwaukee son and his girlfriend at the Brewers game and tailgate first with beer brats. DS's darling girlfriend Holly had asked to make the cake. It's also youngest son's birthday tomorrow (they have the same b-day) but he ended up having to stay in Chicago to work, and I woke up feeling completely dreadful, all I could do was fix the watermelon and veggies for dh to take, then hit the sofa. So dh went without me, it will be him, ds #1, ds girlfriend and 2 ds friends to use the other tickets. He will bring some of Holly's cake home for me and ds#2 who will get here in his own sweet time. In the meantime, I have no idea if this is leftover Taxol, Hercepetin se, or garden variety virus or even fibromyalgia though it doesn't feel like that. How are we ever to know what is wrong with us anymore? Anyway, I hadn't been to a game in ages and have never missed a son's birthday party in their lives, so am moping as hard as I can, and in fact think I could win the Stanley Cup of moping if such a competition was available.

Just to go on in that vein, yesterday I had breakfast with my two best gal pals who have both been close to perfect in respect to being there, listening, etc. After I'd finished lamenting over the fortune it's costing us to have our leaky roof torn off and redone (work starts tomorrow), one said Gee, it's kind of like the roof has been torn off your whole world this past year and now this is just the final symbol of it. She was so right! I only wish that the work done on me was like that done on the roof and came with a 30-year guarantee!
I wanted to put a smiley face after that last statement but I just can't do it today. ;-Q - Skye

Anonymous · June 2007

Skye - There's nothing wrong with a good pity party every now and then. I hope you enjoy the cake.

luckymel · June 2007

I woke up this morning with eyebrows! Yesterday I had none. I still had to fill in and darken, but I could at least see where they were supposed to be. Very strange. Still no eyelashes, but my hair looks thicker this morning also. I don't think this is just a change in attitude, either. I guess when you've got nothing, a little more is a lot! I also look a bit like a blue heeler, Cindy - maybe we're related?

My surgery is, as far as I know, at 1:30 on Tuesday the 5th. I wouldn't be surprised if the time changed between now and then, as the scheduler left me a message on Friday and I didn't call her back in time. Will kekep you all posted, and will ask Larry to post afterward if I don't get to come home. Thanks everyone for the words of encouragement.

Skye, I'm so sorry you're feeling bad today, especially when you're missing the birthday and the ball game both! We all have our days, not that that makes it any easier. It might be best if you've just got a virus, I'm thinking - at least that goes away eventually. Meanwhile, eat lots of cake when they get back with it!

Must get on with my day - house chores today, insurance chores tomorrow!

Starting Chemo in JAN 2007

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