Crying Out to God...Written before my mastectomy.

Crying Out

I woke up in a “funk” today.
A brooding anger right under the surface.
I know that when this kind of thing starts happening,
There is a BATTLE going on in my spirit.
Darkness and confusion…they go hand in hand…surround me
And cloud my mind.

I have done it again, Jesus.
I have “tried” to have faith.
I have “tried” to be strong in the face of adversity.
I have “tried” to be strong for everyone,
Wearing that same plastic smile that I have judged other “fakes” for wearing.
How are you, Becky? They ask.

On goes the smiley-face and the overly joyful reply through clenched teeth and with a quaking in my soul, “Oh DOING GREAT! JUST GREAT!”
But am I?
“Oh, great WOMAN OF FAITH,
Who writes the sayings of GOD, and OH they are so right for JUST THIS MOMENT…”

So they say.
But what about ME?
Are those scriptures quoted in VAIN?
Great WOMAN OF FAITH!
HA.
I am ANGRY.
I am scared.
I am feeling such an INTENSE need to panic.
I am WORRIED.
Great WOMAN OF FAITH.
HA!

Then I remind God,
“AFTER ALL, the life I live in this flesh I live BY THE FAITH OF GOD, RIGHT?
After all, it is NOT I that live but CHRIST who lives in me, RIGHT?
OH ME OF LITTLE FAITH.
I CANNOT be strong for everyone.
I CANNOT have a glowing testimony of STEADFASTNESS of myself in this situation.
I CANNOT heal myself.
Only Jesus can believe enough to help my UNBELIEF.
Only Jesus can be my Testimony.
Only Jesus can heal me.”

Hmmmm.
As I write this, I feel a burden lifting off my shoulders.
Ohhhhhhhhhhh, yes! It IS always darkest before the dawn.
AND the Sun of Righteousness ALWAYS arises,
With HEALING in His wings.

Oh, I’ve got MAIL!
Aha! From a good friend who sends out scriptures every day too.
Wonder if HE goes through this valley of the shadow of death too.
Ok Lord, You have spoken again:

Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and he
shall sustain thee: he shall never suffer
the righteous to be moved.

Psalm 55:22

Amen and Amen

Becky