Starting Chemo in JAN 2007

I knew last year after my youngest was out of the house that I would open to a serious relationship. The BC journey derailed any attempts to start that up. So now I have these night time thoughts that I will be alone. I haven’t worried about that too much in the last ten years. But this month, after these last months, I’d sure like someone to hold me, to assure me that “Cindy” is still present and desirable.

I look at this stumpy, worn, middle-aged, surgically mangled body that carries that frightening tag of ‘CANCER” and wonder – what man would be secure enough to walk into my world? It would take a pretty wonderful guy to do that.

I hate having these thoughts and the emotions that come with them. I hate that as I look at life after BC, it – BC- will follow me like Pigpen’s dust cloud.

Thanks for letting me put these words out there. I can’t share this part of my story with many people who would understand the BC portion of this.

Damn cancer!

Cindy

Well, it's 3:00 and I'm still in my jammies - decided to have a do-nothing kind of day. Woke up feeling crummy and it was nearly 11:00 already, then my DH came home for lunch and wanted to know why the dog we're dog-sitting was, sitting on the front porch! Evidently he had dug out and fortunately didn't run away, but still, I felt guilty. I've been lying here on the bed listening to MySpace Music and Folk Alley, ordered a couple of cd's (of my old boyfriend, but don't tell) and visited with my mom, and if I accomplish anything more than that, it will be to go to the post office to mail a package. Very low goal setting in action here today.

By the way, Tina, maybe DH does stand for damn husband! That was my laugh for yesterday, thanks!!

Caya, Skye, Viddie - sign me up as a member of the Tight Pants Club also.

Rebecca, I wish you could take video of Owen learning to ride his bike - although your description was so good I can see it in my mind already, especially after seeing the pics of him recently. At least get a snapshot or two - these are precious moments. And you don't HAVE to torture him with it when he's a teenager....but you could if you ever need to - depends on him. My nephew is almost 18 and just got out of high school, and thinks he is absolutely Mr. Cool, and all grown up. He's totally just acting his age.....but at the same time, he's just "begging" to be tortured. He's a great kid, but a couple more years will do wonders for him.

Eros....quite a strange name to give a kid. I'm sure that wasn't an easy one to grow up with, but at least it was easier to spell than Arrhiahna (pardon me if I misspelled it, but no matter how many times I look at it I can't seem to remember how it goes).

Skye, hope you're up and running with the rad onc by now, or at least have something set up. Viddie, you gave it your best shot trying to get them to give you an appointment - I'm relaly surprised it didn't work, but oh well - you'll get there.

Mizsissy, glad you decided to go camping - sounds like a great time. Wish we had a little camper or something. There was a time I wouldn't even entertain the idea of using a camper - we were totally tent campers, backpackers, campgrounds were even too civ ilized for me. I guess age and cancer changes things...now that is almost too much work. I'd like to do that, but a little more luxury calls to me too.

OK....I'm the opposite of Cindy's situation. Not wanting to lose my post, I did it in word, then forgot to post it.

Rebecca, GREAT news about your MRI. I know you're relieved, and we are also.

Cindy, just read your post. Wish I were there to give you a big hug. I know you aren't asking for a solution to a problem. And I'm not going through this alone, so I can't even legitimately say I know how you feel. But I can say that I look at myself and am afraid, sometimes, that my husband, even though he is the sweetest, most loving guy in the world, will look at me some day, see me as I see myself and split. I'm not my most attractive right now for sure, and most of my energy is expended keeping myself going rather than attending to his needs, poor guy. I mean, he probably won't abandon me, but when I'm having those low days, I'm scared too. I don't think that breast cancer is necessarily always going to stand in the way of a relationship - you'll get past this, as we all will. We're getting older, but so are the guys, and they all have their own issues, medical and otherwise, as you well know. So, I acknowledge your feelings, but don't give up hope. There's more to you than BC.

Joni, where are you? Hope all is well and you're enjoying life and feeling well.

Melia, halfway through tomorrow - WOO HOO!!

Love you all,

Cindy, I second Mel's sentiments. I worry too if I am still attractive to my husband or if something happens will anyone want me. I thought of that when I pondered the reconstruction issue. Then I decided if a new husband (not that I'm looking for one) didn't accept me, body and soul, for what I am, what kind of person would that be? In fact, I think I am a "better person" for having gone through this bc. Yes sometimes I get cranky but I have found out how strong I really am. I have gone through chemo, surgery, fears, worries, and found new friends through it all. Although I regret this disease, I do not regret who I have become - a stronger, more faith-filled person through it all

Mary, I've only slightly had those thoughts about "who'd want me" in this condition... if not my husband, who really has been more than I could ever ask for during this. He's been fantastic.

But.... if for whatever odd reason, he wasn't around, I feel so much more confident, empowered, I don't know what, after going through this, I'd be disgusted w/a guy who didn't 100% respect me for what I've been through. It's kind of like after you have kids...you develop this whole new level of self confidence, won't take "crap" attitude...

Nearly forgot - for Jan, Lynn. and Viddie, the report on my friend Joyce - I went to see her at the hospital yesterday morning and ended up bringing her home, as they decided to discharge her! She looks fantastic. No major pain to speak of, just sore, of course, and taking the occasional Vicodin for that. Her breasts look fantastic!!! I was thrilled - made me very excited to get my own done. Even with the swelling, they were gorgeous, and she already has sensation. I couldn't ask for a better appearance or overall outcome for her, and hope mine is even half that good. Her tummy is also nice and flat. I just talked to her DH today, and he says she is up and around and doing well, but still resting a lot. So, girls, DIEP is the way to go! I'm ready any time.

Hi all,
Mizsissy,
Sounds like you are going to have a great weekend. I have osteoporosis and they will probably put me on
Tamoxifen. Is that your only choice? Did they suggest that you also take Fosamax? That could help prevent you from getting osteoporosis. Just curious: why don’t you need deodorant?
Shorti,
I am glad you are feeling better.
Rebecca,
That’s great news! You must be sooo relieved.
Sounds like you are having a lot of fun with Owen. I did not have the patience
to teach my kids how to ride their bikes. I left that to my dh.
Skye,
I hope you are feeling better. I can’t believe they haven’t called yet. Maybe you could call them tomorrow to light a match under them.
Nancy,
I also think you should call the nurse.
Amera,
It does get bothersome after a while. They mean well, but you want to move on. I find that friends or acquaintances are reassured when I smile and say I am doing just fine. I also have an old friend who lives in Ca who also found out about me and is calling quite frequently. So is my aunt who lives in Ca. I want to tell them to stop calling because I am okay, but I know they do care and I do not want to hurt their feelings. I sometimes do not want to answer the phone, but that will only mean that I will have to return their phone calls.
Jan,
I am glad you are feeling better. I think The Sopranos is going downhill- more violent- Tony is really losing it!
Lynn,
I am so glad you had a great time. Did your cold go away?
Joni,
I am so glad you had a fun weekend.
Cindy,
I know it is hard. This BC thing sucks! I know what you mean about not feeling desirable and I am sure most of us have had the same thoughts at one time or another.
You are still present and desirable. We all are. We just do not feel like we are right now- actually we probably are not right now, but we will be again, after BC. Thoughts will follow us, but they will also pass, and it will get easier. We do not have “Cancer” written on us, although we think we do. Remember that everyone has their own set of problems and issues and there are wonderful guys out there who are looking for a wonderful warm loving soul mate.

I guess I have worried about s/e, incompetent bureaucracy, my kids- all the stuff that is front of me, but I have not let myself think of the actual BC and what it means and what the future will be like. I am not even thinking about the actual surgery that lies ahead. I guess I am afraid to do all that. I do not want to break down, so I just plow ahead, worrying about the little things. Denial keeps me going. Denial can be a wonderful thing.

Cindy, I am sending you a big hug. You are not alone and you are certainly not alone with your thoughts. We are always here for you and do understand your fears and feelings.
Love,
Viddie

Caya,
Is this your first child leaving for college? It is hard at first, and you will miss her, but you will quickly adapt. It becomes special when she comes home for the holidays. Even better, you get a place to visit and explore- and you get a travel guide. They grow up so fast.

Mel, I hope you feel better tomorrow. Thanks for the report on Joyce. I am glad she is doing so well. That is very encouraging. It looks like there are four of us that are having the Diep surgery: Jan, Lynn and Mel, and me and perhaps you also, Caya.
Good night,
Viddie

Viddie,

Cassie is my second child to go off to college. My elder daughter, Amanda, is in her third year at univeristy - but she is only a 2 hour drive away in London, Ontario - halfway between Toronto and Detroit. It was hard having Amanda go, but in the three years she's been away I've become much closer with Cassie - so we will be empty nesters this fall. But they do come home, and you're right, I will have somewhere new to visit. We will be taking her out on Labor Day weekend to move into residence, and I've never been to Victoria. It's supposed to be beautiful - very colonial, and it is the provincial capital.
Let me know Viddie about you being on Herceptin and having the DIEP surgery
thanks
caya

I think you can pretty much do anything on Herceptin. A woman out here, married to an ex NFL player...she's kind of the like the local BC celeb..always on TV, guest speaker at every event... anyway, she discovered she was 4 mos. pregnant while on Herceptin. She said she may have been the first person to have a baby while on Herceptin. The girl is 4 now and appears to be doing fine.

Ha! Battle ax! Yes, that's her, Caya. But she thinks she's this NY sophisticate....reuses her Niemans bags so people think she's been there again... WHO CARES???!!! Who the hell do you think is looking at you so closely that they are saying "oh, gee, that woman shops at Niemans!" Get over yourself, I say. She wouldn't be caught dead at Target. Not my kinda person.

Good morning ladies...

Strength is coming back. I actually ran a little yesterday, not for the exercise, but because I needed to shake things up a bit (if you know what I mean)..well I didn't get instant success but the scale registered a bit lower this AM. Radiation fatigue is more difficult than chemo fatigue; it takes longer to recover.

Got the camper packed up except for food, which will go in the car. We were pleasantly surprised to find out that all our towels, clothing, etc., fits in a storage area under one of the seats do we don't have to pack a suitcase.

The camper idea came to me last summer after spending one (1) night in a tent at a local campground so we could canoe first thing in the AM. We had an inflatable bed, but it didn't inflate properly because the new pump broke almost immediately. It was *EXTREMELY HUMID* and we felt like we were sleeping in the bottom of a shower stall. I woke up exhausted, dirty, grumpy and looked around and saw the campers. So I just had in mind that we'd get one, a real light weight one, if it came our way, and one did. This is a very nice little compact thing and packs up into about the dimensions of a queen bed when we attach it to the car. My tent camping days are OVER!!!

Deodorant? Viddie, no, I don't need it, anyway, not very often. I think it had something to do with going through menopause. BTW Jan, it is possible to get a very nice bath with just a sink and a bath scrub sponge. Fill the sink with water and put a fluffy towel down on the floor and watch and scrub away. You can actually get quite clean. This is also a great remedy for hot flashes; you can cool off quick!!

Sewing..I've been doing it since I was about 12 because my mother thought clothes were nothing but vanity, and the only way I could get 'em was to make 'em. I've found that painting helped with the sewing, I felt more empowered. Also helps with color choices. The dress I made Mena was really a very simple easy one to sew. I really hope she likes as much as you gracious folks!!!

Where is Robertin?

Nancy, how are you feeling? Did you call the nurse?

Viddie, anything new with your surgery?

Good morning everyone. Well, I guess it's early afternoon, actually. Not dressed yet but got up and put on makeup and made dh some lunch. I'll dress later. Feeling better today - still tired, but much better than yesterday.

Wanted to confess that I'm a "Lost" watcher also. I keep getting aggravated and saying I'm NOT going to watch it anymore, but so far I'm continuing on a week by week basis. I said this season they had better get their act together or I was going to stop watching, and I think a lot of other people felt the same way. I think they're trying. I still get confused, but watch it with dh and let him explain things - he has a better memory for details right now.

Robertin is still alive and kicking. I've been reading most of the posts, but have been kind of busy trying to squeeze in a full day at work. I finished chemo 2 weeks ago, and it is nice to get that energy back, realizing that it's here to stay. I went to a workshop in Iowa (Iowa City) last week. We drove, because it's only 5 hours away and for the first time I was wearing scarves all day, because most scientists had seen me in December with all my hair, and I thought it might be a shock for some of them. I am so used to the bald look that I kept scratching my head. One neat thing: this Nasa official from JPL (Jet Propulsion Lab) came up to me and asked me if I had cancer. I told her I had just finished chemo and she gave me a big hug, and told me that she had just recently finished radiation (she too had BC). As a matter of fact, when I saw her last November, she was still wearing a wig. She told me that radiation was easy. By the way, she did chemo and still would fly to Washington DC to discuss budgets. I think she practically lives on an airplane. She was so positive and happy. Great to see that.
Last Monday I got my CT scan and markings. I felt like I was in a sci-fi movie, laying perfectly still on this narrow table with the lights dimmed and the x-ray machines rotating around me. Cool! I like the two techicians and the doctor too, although he was taken back when I asked him if I could have a copy of my treatment plan, so my friend can go over it. My friend got his Ph.D. same time I did, but he went on to become a medical physicist. He's a research scientist and intern in Philadelphia. Actually his research is on how to make the radiation less harmful for the heart and lungs. The oncologist didn't seem to like the request, but consented in the end. Hey, it's my body and if I'm offered a free second opinion, I will take it.
I now have a peach fuzz on my head, but my eyelashes are still falling out. My nails seem to be floating on their nailbeds (I tried to each some pistachios the other day), and it looks like I will lose the nails on my big toes. I think radiation is going to be a breeze, because the hospital is only 10 minutes away. I will go during my lunch break each day. I am already putting the 100% aloe vera jel on my breast, and am looking for the non-metalic deodorant. I think our healthfood store has one. I guess I have to say goodbye to the Bath and Body Works body wash for a while. Ivory soap it will be.
I've been reading about your trials and victories. Life sure is that way, so I keep thinking of my dear friend, who wakes up each morning and thinks "oh good, I have another day." Tomorrow I will find out if my liver is okay. The Hepatitis C flared up during taxol and I really don't want the treatment. It's equivalent to 18 months of chemo (although no hair loss, but the side effects are equally nasty), and the success rate is pitiful. I'm seriously considering no treatment at all. I've lived with the virus for 29 years now. It's always been dormant, but it took a bout with cancer for the thing to wake up. Oh well, this too will pass. Enjoy the day, and hopefully the sun. I'll pop up more often.

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Mel, I hope you feel better tomorrow. Thanks for the report on Joyce. I am glad she is doing so well. That is very encouraging. It looks like there are four of us that are having the Diep surgery: Jan, Lynn and Mel, and me and perhaps you also, Caya.
Good night,
Viddie

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I'm trying to catch up on posts. This is my first week of reduced hours (16/week now!), so have some time.

Mel, I read in another post that you are some better with the swelling down now. That's great! I really have appreciated your reports on Joyce. Don't know her, but love that she is doing so well with her DIEP.

Viddie, add my name to your DIEP list. The date is July 23rd and I can't wait. I look forward to getting it over with and having my new shape. Also in the back of my mind, I'm thinking I might retire then. I'm just not sure yet though. Someone mentioned DH meaning darling husband.....mine is retired and DH means something different every day! it really would be nice to have lazy days forever...I think.?