Esp. from men but fr. all- need perspective on bf

missz · April 2007

Sorry- very long- but my bf is reacting strangely in terms of supporting me.
So....yesterday was my first baseline mammogram at 37. Showed a mass, it was aspirated- not a cyst. Was biopsied and I will know tomorrow if it is cancer or not. Totally out of the blue. I am freaked out and terrified (posted in "worried" if you want to see my state of mind).
I'm in a long-distance relationship- he lives across the country (NYC). He has two children and is at the end of a not too ugly divorce, has been separated for seven months. (I had nothing to do with the divorce, I met him three months ago. I would never ever go near someone's marriage, it is sacred to me. I always accept how important his kids are to him.)
I called him as soon as I heard and he was taking a nap with one of his kids. He called me as soon as he woke up and he was wonderful: booked the first flight out, talked to me for hours. He was supposed to get here at noon today. His plane was delayed on the tarmac 3 hours, he couldn't take it, went to his office and started trying to book flights out of other airports. Then his ex called and told him she was stuck at the hospital with her mom (who sadly and ironically has bc also) and could he please go get the kids at her house and stay with them. Which would mean, of course, not coming to be with me.
His ex doesn't know about me, as the divorce is almost final and it would just complicate things. I don't like this but I understand his wish to keep it "clean" and not hurt her or have her think it has to do with another woman, not to mention messing up custody.
So, he can't say "my gf has a possible bc diagnosis and I need to be with her."
He is also freaked out by cancer because he lost his brother to it horribly. So there is that in the mix.
His choices are: choice 1) get on the plane to see me and leave his kids with the nanny at his ex's house. The nanny can't drive and he is afraid something might happen in the four hours that the kids will be alone with the nanny. 9/11 scared him and he is always afraid that the NYC tunnels and bridges will close on a disaster and the parents will be separated from their kids. I get this fear but also think it's a bit irrational. He would also have a hard time explaining getting on the plane to his ex. choice 2: Go home, be with the kids, and not be with me (which honestly, if he makes this choice, I will probably end the relationship- but I don't think it's fair to say that to him. I want him to decide on his own priorities.) Choice 3: Tell his ex what's up, deal with the divorce possibly getting ugly, and get on the plane.

He is not going to choose the third option, I know that. Too scared.

Am I wrong to think that his worry about the kids being , not alone, but WITH a live-in nanny, for a few hours, should not supersede what to me is a real crisis? I already know that he is keeping too many secrets in his life, even though they are all to protect people. But to be viewed as second priority to an imaginary crisis- am I taking this wrong?

iodine · April 2007

I am probably not the one to ans., being 63 and all, but I think your last paragraph is the key: too many secrets in his life and your feeling that you are viewed as a second priority in his life. Well, you are. His children will always come first unless you are married and then they will likely come first then,too.

I also think that you deciding what choices he has and what the results of those choices will be, even tho he has no clue about those outcomes, is rather childish. If you have ultimatiums -- tell him what they are and let him decide what he chooses. You won't have to wonder later what could have been.

Sorry to sound so harsh, but as a parent, there is nothing that comes between me and my kids. Besides, the airline and the weather messed up, too, didn't it?

I know you are in a state with the possibility of a bc diagnosis, and I hate that for you, having been there myself. In my case, my Husband didn't even come home after I left a message for him that I had been diagnosed with cancer. He did call. Whoopee.

I pray you have a negative outcome and do not have bc. If you do, please come back to the boards and I'll be the first to try to help and support you thru the medical maze, I promise. Forgive me if I have been too harsh.

sylayne · April 2007

I also hope and pray you do not get a bc diagnosis.

As for your boyfriend, it sounds like he's trying. Don't cut off your nose to spite your face!

And I think it may be a bit much, after only 3 months, to ask him to drop everything and come over right away. If you DO have bc, and if you are going to be together, and if he is going to support you, there are going to be a lot of times you need him even more. And don't forget a nasty divorce will be something you have to live with for many, many years. And that will take a toll you can't even imagine right now.

So I suggest you take a deep breath (or many) and let things happen the way they will. They will anyway, you know?

KariLynn · April 2007

He is right to stay with his kids. Their parents are divorcing, their home-life changed forever and their grandma is sick in the hospital. They need him more than you do now.

You definitely need and deserve someone to support you, but at this time in his life, I really don't see how it could be him and I think you would come off as selfish if you demanded it.

If he's worth waiting for, give him time to settle his life. I'd probably keep my options open and seek friendship and support closer to home.

Good luck,
Kari

missz · April 2007

his kids don't know about the divorce yet nor that their grandma is sick. but the deal wasn't choosing between me and his kids for days or weeks- the choice was between coming to be with me for one day while I waited for my results, or being with his kids for 2 hours in case another 9/11 happened.

if this man wants to be my husband, which he does, he would have come to be with me. he wasn't with his kids after all while I was waiting for pathology reports, he was at the office.

so, maybe I'm too demanding, but i broke up with him. what if I do have bc? will he still choose these priorities?

AnnieBird55 · May 2007

Hi -
I am divorced/re-married and my current husband has two kids from a prior marriage, and I have two kids from a prior marriage. Both of us laid it out clearly before re-marrying : "don't make us choose between spouse and kids " (because we both know kids will win). So now, when either of us has a decision to make where it appears that one of us may have to choose doing something with/for a kid versus each other, we both "assume" the right/default choice lies withing the kids as priority.

Someone above said more or less the same thing: Don't throw the baby out with the bath water. You can view his coming to his kids side as a faithful father, and this is good character. Appreciate that in him.

Divorce is overwhelming - crazy time! So is breast cancer. If you both can stick it out through the crazy time you will come out of it stronger. Be loving and empathetic even when you are in need. This way you will have no regrets should things not work out.

Picture in your mind it happenning this way: The kids need him but then he is at your side instead. Say this happens on a few occassions. The kids may get an earful from their mom making excuses about their Dad having some other priority (and they will eventually figure out it was you). The kids will then resent you, and this does not fare well for the relationship in the long term.

Yes - come to these boards and post your concerns. I have (even about my husband's support of my BC) and I have a lot of good suggestions. Good luck - let us know about your path results.
-Anne

missz · May 2007

Thanks Anne- but I dn't understand how the kids being with the nanny and their mom for one day when I have just had a bad diagnosis, turns into him being "at my side" when his kids need him. Yes, his kids always need him to some extent, every day. But there was nothing wrong at home, nothing crucial going on with them.....whereas there WAS something crucial going on with me.

Of course his kids will always be #1 but when it's a choice between simply playing with them, just a normal day at home, and being with me when I am so scared- I think that is a little different. This would mean that any diagnosis or treatment I have, he will not be with me unless the kids' mom is with them (not the nanny). That just seems a bit unreasonable, in fact, I don't see how a relationship can work that way.
In the end he was not even with his kids, he was late at the office, so, the end result was that he did not prioritize me in any way. He also knows I have no family to support me here. He keeps calling and calling, and I do love him, but he has too many conflicts and secrets in his life. Sigh.

My path came back as probably benign, but "take it out anyway to be sure"...........

zonker · May 2007

Okay, here's one from a man (title - Esp. from men)

I've been married to my best friend, sould mate, lover, confidante, playmate, etc., etc. for 20 years come this October. So, be careful what you ask for (and iodine, no you weren't too harsh) but here's the perspective of your bf from a man:
1) you don't have a relationsship yet - 3 months?!?! - let's say that again - you don't have a relationship yet
2) you don't have breast cancer - God bless you for your good fortune and listen to your doctors to take it out anyway
3) my wife - since 3/27/07 had a letter about an abnormal mamogram, a second mamogram and then a sonogram, a biopsy, a lumpectomy (because the biopsy DID NOT come back benign), a schedule for chemotherapy (4 treatments once every two weeks) and then a schedule for radiation (5 days a week for 5 to 6 weeks) and then a regimen of tamoxifen for the next FIVE YEARS!!! and we're both confident that she'll be better and healthier for it on the other side

4) I am truly sorry for your bc scare because I gotta tell ya that after coming home from the radiation oncologist this afternoon - THIS OFFICIALLY SUCKS - because there's not a damn thing I can do about this but be there for her which in my mind right now after everything she's done for me in the last 20 plus years is nothing - a drop in the bucket - but since (at the risk of repeating myself) you don't really have a relationship yet after 3 monthes how can you in all good conscience force this down this man's throat as a measure of his character? I wish nothing but good health and true love for you but first and foremost I wish a better perspective on the world - a non-woe-is-me perspective

peace, love and health to you - truly (and sorry if this seemed like a rant - but come on!!

"Fall seven times, stand up eight."

- Japanese Proverb

missz · May 2007

Zonker, Three months is only three months, yes, but three months WITH a marriage proposal and a plan to move in together does seem to me like a statement of commitment, and yes, a relationship. Maybe he rushed things, maybe I fell for it, but I don't need to be taken to task for it when BTW I am not yet out of the woods as regards bc. I am NOT "woe is me"...I was scared, as anyone would be waiting for path, and he said he was coming, and he didn't show.

That said I am truly sorry for everything you and your wife are going through.

junie · May 2007

missz--I am so sorry to read about your bad times. I am praying that your tests all come back negative and that you do not have to face the "beast" head on. Should that be the case, you will find so much love and support here...

Until then, perhaps your relationship issues would best be addressed at another type of discussion board....

gentle huggssss to all!!!!

missz · May 2007

Ya know Junie, there are plenty of posts in the other forum about families/partners and in the young women's forum that are JUST LIKE this one. Some of us, not just me, are vulnerable and scared when diagnosed and wonder what is "normal" in terms of family support. So, while I will happily keep the heck away from "your" forum, I think your suggestion that our partners' response to BC is not a part of BC discussion is patronizing and frankly kinda mean.

fraid2lose · May 2007

You know, this is a forum for all types,,,so I thought...I totally understand your fear Missz,,,my life partner had an abnormal mammogram, then a sonogram, still abnormal, then a biopsy which turned into a lumpectomy because it was cancerous. Then, margins weren't clear, so a double mastectomy,,,,now,,,she has bone mets. I too have turned to this board, but, really, except for a few exceptions,,,have not felt welcome...I don't understand BC. I hopefully never will,,for myself,,,but this is hard on us significant others.....and a little understanding would be awesome,,,if not,,please point us in a new direction,,I know I would go immediately, because I still feel as though I have no one to talk to.

missz · May 2007

Fraid2lose,

I totally understand your feeling unwelcome here sometimes. I have noticed that some members here don't want to hear from a) people who have not yet been diagnosed with anything "serious" (serious being in the eye of the beholder), b) significant others of bc women, or c) younger women who may have less solid support systems and for whom that is a real issue.

I am so sorry for what you're going through and understand that YOU need support to keep you strong so that you can keep GIVING it. As I said, I'm staying in the young women and high-risk forums where I see less judgmental responses- so come over there & keep me company! You can also PM me and I'll give you my email.
Hugs,
Z

missz · January 2008

Update to all of you especially the nasty ones:

First of all my path was not "non cancerous" it was uncertain. So to say I was lucky and out of he woods was unfair. Turned out to be "benign" if ADH plus ALH is benign.

I hope Mr. Zonker who likes to kick people when they are down is happy to hear that my bf and I are going to marry this year. So, "3 months is not a relationship" - *** you. We made it through surgery, divorce, his drug addiction which is what caused all the weirdness, and my continual screening as a high risk woman.

I would think that forums like these are about support and not attacking. I only came back to share that the darkest days can be bright again. No thanks to many of those above.

Esp. from men but fr. all- need perspective on bf

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