Just found out Mom has been hiding it for 2 years+

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dawnjs5k
dawnjs5k Member Posts: 111
edited June 2014 in Caring for Someone with Breast cancer
I am numb, angry, and scared right now. My mom has kept that she has been having problems for over 2 years from the entire family. She just went to the doctor for the first time on Monday and it looks like she is in stage 4. We actually do not have a diagnosis, but we know that the cancer has eaten her entire breast, it is in the chest wall, and she has multiple nodules on her lungs. She is still going through tests with a bone scan today, CAT scan tomorrow, and more test on Friday. She will meet with the oncologist on Monday. I do not even know what to expect at this appointment. I have know for about 18 months, but I could not convince her to go to the doctor. I am not understanding what would make a person go this long, but am trying not to question her. I just want to love her and take care of her right now. If there is anyone out there that can offer me words of advice, encouragement, prayers, or anything else I may need, that would be great. We are all just in shock right now!!

Thank you so much!! Dawn
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  • badboob67
    badboob67 Member Posts: 2,780
    edited March 2007
    Dawn,
    First of all, let me tell you that you and your family are in my prayers.

    Secondly, as to why mom would hide this for two years....Fear is probably part of it. Some of us find it too difficult to anticipate having our fears confirmed, so avoid seeking out medical care that could result in a diagnosis and prognosis we are not willing or prepared to accept. Some of us ignore signs and symptoms with the mentality of "not me". Some of us worry that finding out will be a huge burden to the people we love.

    Your mom very well could have been thinking that it is cancer, but not knowing about advances in treatment and their effectivenes, she may have believed there was nothing that could be done. She also may have fear of the treatments. My husband worries about the day I will have to begin chemo. I am stage 4 with bone mets and have been treated with hormone therapy so far. My husband watched his grandfather go through lung cancer and chemo years ago and fears that I will suffer in the same way. Lung cancer is very different from breast cancer and chemos are much less difficult to tolerate these days. Still, the uninformed think the words "cancer" and "chemo" mean their days left on this earth are very few and chemo is a ravaging, horrific experience.

    It does sound as though your mom has significant involvement in the breast area. That doesn't necessarily mean that she is in stage 4. But, even if she is, there is lots that can be done for her!

    Your mom, I'm sure, has been doing the best she can. Fear can be immobilizing. Maybe she was trying to protect her loved ones from this. I know that I am very driven and concerned about protecting my children from the effects of my cancer.

    I am thankful that your mom has finally seen a doctor. Now that she has, you all can move forward onto treatment! Please try not to be too angry with her.

    Many hugs and prayers headed your way!
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  • ravdeb
    ravdeb Member Posts: 3,116
    edited March 2007
    I know a woman (mom of my daughter's friend)who has something healthwise wrong with her and wouldn't go to see a doctor. It took a lot of convincing. She didn't want to know. Yet, she was terribly afraid. When they finally got her to go, they had to take tons of tests and couldn't find what was wrong but suspected cancer...lymphoma. But, nothing was conclusive and she has stopped going to see the doctor. She told her son she is tired of all the tests and she just wants to live her life.

    I also don't understand it because living with constant fear instead of knowing what is wrong and getting treatments, would seem so much better to me.

    But everybody sees things differently.

    I hope your mom gets all the right treatments and feels good soon. Good luck. It's a journey. She will need your support, but sounds like she's got it.
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  • LuAnnH
    LuAnnH Member Posts: 8,847
    edited March 2007
    I have a friend I work with who knows she has a recurrance of breast cancer but refuses to see the onc. She just can't face the fact that she is only 26 and it is back for the 2nd time. I have tried and tried to get her to take care of this but she would rather pretend it doesn't exist than to face the fear of cancer. It may seem unbelieveable to you that she would let it go but to look at ones mortality is a very frightening experience. You can't look back and wonder "what if" now. Best thing to do is move forward now that she has decided to face this beast! If your mom is a computer person, invite her to join us on the message boards, I don't know if I could battle this without the support I get from the amazing people in this cyber community! If she is not a computer person, take the time to teach her about it. That may turn out to be the best gift you could give her.

    I would live for today and move forward as if she just realized she had a problem and help her move through these scary waters.

    LuAnn
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  • dawnjs5k
    dawnjs5k Member Posts: 111
    edited March 2007
    I just wanted to say thank you to those who have posted. It is nice to hear encouraging words. My mom has gotten the CAT scan and Bone scan results back. It seems that the abdomen and brain are clear. The lungs have many nodules, the chest wall, and a possible place on her right hip. They are unsure of this one right now. I am going to spend a few days with her tomorrow, so I am going to try and show her this site on the computer. Maybe after she meets with the onc. on Monday, she would find a site like this comforting. I do not believe her receptors will be back by Monday, but the surgeon said she thinks that the onc. will start chemo anyhow. She said it will probably be a very aggressive treatment. I am sure I will have more questions at that point.

    Thanks for the support!!

    Dawn
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  • badboob67
    badboob67 Member Posts: 2,780
    edited April 2007
    Dawn,
    I'm sorry about your mom's news, but so glad that she is moving forward and treatment plans are in the works. Please let her know that we are here to help in any way we can!
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  • nancy75
    nancy75 Member Posts: 26
    edited April 2007
    Hello Dawn! I'm Nancy. Couple of weeks ago I found out that my sister was diagnosed with breast cancer. She's in stage 3 and its very aggressive.
    When she first came to me....she was crying, unsure of what to do or who to go to. She told me that she found a lump in her breast and did know what it was. So I told her to come over my place and we'll both work together and find out what we need to do and if I had to I'd take her to the ER. While she was coming over, the first thing I did was get on the computer Yahoo Health, Web MD anything to try and find out as much as I can about lumps. I called her back and from the symptoms I was reading off the computer, I was asking her questions. She began to cry and so did I because the more questions I asked the more I heard her answers, Yes....which scared me...(i know not as much as her!) To make the long story short...I know that she's known about it for quite some time but was tooo frightened to say or do anything about it.
    The second appointment I went with her too, I was in the room with her, this was the first time I had been in the room with her and the first time i'd seen her infected breast. I could not comprehend WHY in the world would she let soooooooooooo much time go by. I was pretty amazed at how much it progressed, her infection. I was speechless. I had to find strength inside of me to not cry because I was sooo worried,scared, angry, just like you. Till this day I don't understand. The one main thing I do for her now is just give her as much SUPPORT as I possibly can to show her that she is definitely and will never be alone.

    I truly do wish you and your entire family the absolute very best. Be there for eachother. That's what family is all about.
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  • dawnjs5k
    dawnjs5k Member Posts: 111
    edited April 2007
    I have just returned from the visit with my mom. It was a long and hard week. She did meet with the onc. on Monday of last week and we found out she is severely anemic. He started her on Venifur treatments and ordered a PET scan. We met with him again on Wednesday. He confirmed stage IV with many bone mets, lymph nodes, lungs, chest wall, breast, and ribs. Her ER was positive. She is supposed to start her anti-estrogen treatment this week. We also had to put her in the hospital on Wednesday night. She was having terrible pain in her arm. They are still unclear as to what was causing that. She is still having bleeding from the breast, so the onc. has set up for her to start having radiation treatments. Hopefully by Thursday of this week. It has all been such a whirl wind of events, but she seems to be handling it ok. She is now wearing a pain patch with dilaudid for break through pain. I hate seeing her on so many narcotics, but know that it makes her comfortable. I appreciate all of the prayers and good wishes that you have all made.

    Thanks!!

    Dawn
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  • lv2cmp
    lv2cmp Member Posts: 1,363
    edited April 2007
    Dawn just read your post and want you to know I am thinking of you. I know your mom treasured you being there with her.

    Amy
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  • dpbelew
    dpbelew Member Posts: 4
    edited April 2007
    Hi Dawn, I just read your post. I understand what you are going through. My mom was diagnosed Sept 2006. At that time I found out that she had hidden this for a couple of years too. She just wanted it to go away, but it didn't. In November she was diagnosed with mets to the spine. She is 73 and has a hard time accepting all of this. We have gone through radiation twice and she is now on anti-estrogen treatment. I have been the family "fixer", but this is beyond what I can do. It breaks my heart for her to go through this. I live over 800 miles from her which just adds to the pain. What you can do is give her support and love. Help her understand - what she wants to understand. She may not want to know every detail at first, but you probably will. The people on these boards can provide you a place to ask questions, get encouragement, and let it go if you need to. They have gotten me through many nights over these past 7 months. I don't post much, but I am inspired by their love and compassion. Get to know her doctor and understand her treatment. Be her advocate. It was hard, but I had to let go of those 2 years. I can't get them back, but I can give her support and love and help her move forward.

    My prayers are with you and your mom.

    debbie
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  • Mary1968
    Mary1968 Member Posts: 58
    edited June 2007
    Going through the samething..my story
    My Mother is 60 year old. For years my sister and I been telling her to visit her GYN and to do a mammogram. She never listens to us and at 60 years old she has never gone for a mammogram. A while back she told me that she had a small pimple on her left breast, I told her you should have it check out. She never did. Three weeks ago her diabetes doctor after seeing her left breast refers her to a breast specialist.
    My mom after all these years had to do her first mammogram. The radiologist discovers multiple lumps in her left breast and in her lymph node.
    Yesterday, I went with my mom to her surgeon appointment. He told her that he will perform a full mastectomy. My mom condition is so bad that the surgeon is going to leave her lymph node alone. He will have to perform another surgery for the lymph node at a later time. Because, her cancer has not been confirm by a biopsy. He told her that the biopsy will be done before the mastectomy. The only reason why he has not order a biopsy is because it will be too painful for her. The surgeon is however certain that is cancer. That gave my mom false hope that maybe she do not have cancer. I know she have cancer. The doctors will not be ordering CAT scan & PET whole body scans if they were not certain that she have cancer. This Monday will be her CAT scan and PET whole body scan. I am terrified for her. I wish it was me instead of her. My mom walking has gotten worse and now she can hardly move her neck. I am not in denial my mother is gravely ill.
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  • brittim1978
    brittim1978 Member Posts: 1
    edited June 2007
    Hi Dawn,

    Well it is comforting to hear that there are people out there that are going through the same thing as my mom and our family right now. I am 28, and my mom was just diagnosed with aggressive stage 4 breast cancer on June 8th. Her nipple appeared indented about two years ago, and she ignored it. Her breast started to deform, she ignored it. Her arm started swelling to the extent that she couldn't shampoo her hair or put on her makeup anymore, so she got annoyed and finally went to the doctor. This week we have been doing all of the tests, scans and blood work to see if and where it has spread. Her nodes are positive, chest wall, and most likely her bones. Her breast is completely gone, and her oncologist says that what is there now is cancer. It is horrifying and absolutely amazing at the same time. I am optimistic, but very scared. Thank goodness I found this website...what a comfort it has been for info, similar stories, stories of hope and support. Good luck,

    Brittany
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  • dawnjs5k
    dawnjs5k Member Posts: 111
    edited June 2007
    Just wanted to update everyone about my mom. Believe it or not, we have successfully passed the 3 month mark. She is doing quite well cancer wise. Her blood test for the cancer antigen is now within normal limits. She has made it through her radiation treatments. She is still battling infections in the open wound, but if the cancer is gone from the chest wall, they will do skin grafts to fill that area in. She had her bone scan and CAT today. She will find out on Tuesday how things look. The most amazing thing to come from all of this, was my diagnosis of Stage I BC. I have mixed ILC and DCIS. I am still going through all of the garbage to get my treatments going, but have had the cancer surgically removed. Just know that sometimes God prompts our stubborn mothers at a time to help us and that was the case for me. I hope that all are doing well.

    Dawn
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  • iodine
    iodine Member Posts: 4,289
    edited June 2007
    Glad your mom is progress and hate that you had to join the sisterhood as well! Bummer.
    We'll be here for you, as I think you know.
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  • CaliforniaKate
    CaliforniaKate Member Posts: 258
    edited July 2007

    Dawn, my mom was diagnosed with stage 3 IDC six years ago, at the age of 75. She also let it go for a long time, knowing something was wrong. She ended up with a 6.5 cm. tumor with chest wall invasion and 2 positive nodes. Two years later, I was diagnosed with IDC, stage one. I know your shock. At least when I was diagnosed, because of mom, I was really informed, and had already met all of her doctors, so I knew who I wanted to go to. Mom is now in a nursing home from other problems, but her cancer hasn't returned. Kate

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