My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer

I'm here, in Mel's living room, with tears in my eyes once I read the news of losing our Shetland Pony. I still can't believe it even though she hasn't been around for a while and I was getting this strange feeling. This news, this sad, sad news....

Sending hugs to all.

Oh how I wish Mel's Living Room was a real place. Where we can go and talk to each other sitting on the couch. I need to hear everyone's opinions on this...

It is a hot, sunny July day here in Illinois. The temps are near 100 with the humidity making it feel even hotter. I am lounging in my cool air conditioning house, reading a book, with my cat near me. I look out the window at the neighborhood. It is a weekday afternoon. I think of people going off to work, doing errands, going on vacations, living their lives.

Then I think "am I letting my life go by?" "Should I be doing something?"

But then I think "I am enjoying the peacefulness before the storm". The "storm" is when the cancer gets worse. When I have to go to the cancer center more frequently for IV treatment, instead of the pills I take in the comfort of my home. The "storm" is when I am confused -- like Moth-- from the liver failing and I cannot understand my books any longer. The "storm" is when my life gets harder dealing with the cancer, when I know that my time here is short.

And I then think "it is ok that I am doing nothing and letting the day just quietly slip by".

But, is it really ok? Should I be doing something? Or, am I being lazy, am I being a hermit, and wasting what time I have left?

Thoughts????

Candy, speaking as an actual hermit, I don't just play one on TV, I question whether I am lazy or whatever but I choose not to leave the house as it is hot here too. I pass out way more easily than I used to, I can get to places by bus but the walks to the bus stop are HOT. If you are comfortable and enjoying the reading, there is no need to do something else. If there is something else you want to do, then do it. If you are comfortable at home reading, doing the treadmill etc, do it. Do NOT feel like you have to be doing stuff just to make your time count. Every moment counts, even the times we stay home. I mostly stay home as I have apps, mobile games and surveys that help buy extra groceries or devices that make me happy. Other than the young and the restless, I don't have much I watch beyond youtube aside from streaming movies.

Candy - only you can decide what is right for you. I asked myself, if I got too sick to do anything tomorrow (or 3 or 6 months from now) would I regret staying at home? And I also asked myself, if I went out and about (with whatever precautions I felt appropriate) and I got sick, would I be kicking myself (and really regret it it)? Whichever answer you can live with is what is right for you. There is no right or wrong.

welcome traveltext thanks for the information on moth. We are all very worried. Hope you’re doing well.

Candy~honey, no way are you waisting your time. Being comfortable is so important. I am also the same way, I run errands two times a week perhaps. Not long ones. But I can honestly say I am always ready to get back to my zone. My comfort. We’re it’s the only place I fully Control things. I love being home most days. Especially since I’ve found painting. Hours fly by. Slowly my gastrointestinal break down is healing. But boy oh boy. What a difficult thing now to worry about Covid. Ugh one thing after another. Hope DH doesn’t get it either. Odds are though we may. When my Son had it two Christmas ago no one else In the house got it. So I’m hopeful. I am still gutted about Shetland. Damn cancer. Miserable piece of crap.
hope everyone is doing ok. The loss of someone brings us back to reality with this shit disease. Hugging to all of you. And I wish the living room was real also. We’d never be alone

Christmas shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! Ugh!

Mara - I agree with Illimae, do not ever feel guilty for posting stable or reduction. We all need good news and to see it’s possible. I really think it is just a crapshoot. Perhaps you can just go for awhile at Christmas? Or not. You do whatever makes you happy. I’ve been staying at home on New Years Eve since college days. I just want to be at home alone in my PJs with some tasty food, a bottle of champagne, and good movies. Everyone thought I was weird at the time. I didn’t care.

Candy I too feel the struggle between “doing something” and just sitting here. All I can advise is do things you truly enjoy. I enjoy cookbooks so just checked out a bunch from the library. Other than that I feel like I’m just taking care of business, cooking and curbside shopping on a budget, calling docs, disability insurance agents. It’s a real struggle feeling like I should be doing more.Sometimes I break down because I don’t feel “useful” without my job. I know I need to take it easy on myself. That’s what I would tell any friend in my position because that’s the truth.

I’m sad to hear of ShetlandPony. This disease is awful.

Kikomoon, I think last night was just the insecure, depressive side of me thinking that because my family all mostly talk to each other, they don't care for me which in hindsight is really stupid. If they did not care, why on earth would they take me shopping every week. Not sure about Christmas yet. Might ask about going to a restaurant for the Festive special or something with DB and SIL and though we are not exchanging gifts, I will still ask for grasshopper pie on my birthday instead of a dinner. I will keep reminding myself that the thought no one cares is really, really false and just keep doing stuff that makes me happy.

Not too much happening here, the usual mobile games and surveys and laundry, got some new cloths that I get to wash, it is wonderful. Will be waiting for the people to come put in the keyless lock on my apartment door. Also have to look into picking up mail at some point as well since it cannot be delivered.

I have always been more hermitlike, even in my younger years, happier to stay home rather than go out a ton after work. Even as a teenager I did not go out every weekend, I had friends that I said hi to and socialized at work or school but never was asked to go anywhere so got used to staying home. DB has always been more busy socially and had a lot of friends he still sees to this day. I accept my lifestyle now and am not unhappy about it, when I do go out, I go myself.

I did have a good time shopping last night, in 3 stores, got 4500 steps which is pretty good so there is that. I bought corn flakes after reading they are high in iron, decided to take a cup, grind to a fine powder in my grinder and put the cornflakes in cooked white rice for iron, peanut powder for protein and combine with caesar dressing, low fat mayo and seasoned with italian, onion and steak seasoning. Sounds weird but was delicious and not too high in calories either. Still waiting for the people to come replace the lock on my apartment door as well.

I love the keyless lock installed, it works quite well and is good. I really like the colour as well.

Mara and all you other lovelies. I may not say how thankful I am to read all of your worlds here to trust that immediately we understand and care so much as if you were my neighbor. So I’m sending hugs of appreciation to all of you. Life is short.

Thanks for the shout out, SeeQ. I am in the same boat with others who are struggling with pain management. I lost another 10 pounds (I’ve lost 65 pounds so far) and my onc has no idea why. I have continued with my Faslodex shots and will be scanned in August to see what’s causing the pain. I think it’s progression, as expected, but she thinks it’s the sarcoidosis that’s causing it. We’ll see if the PET scan reveals anything. The hard part is that cancer and sarcoidosis look alike on scans, so it’s difficult to know which one it is.

I am so, so sad about Shetland Pony. She has been a regular here for a long time. May God surround her family with peace.

I don't have too much planned though I am going to go over to my pharmacy to pick up a prescription. May walk part of the way depending on how the bus is running. Still not taking chances with the heat. Tomorrow, will have to check my mail at a depot nearby, the mailman cannot deliver here until the outdoor box is fixed, property manager yesterday said they are waiting on parts so hope it is soon. I don't get too much in the way of mail so not too concerned on waiting.

It is warm and muggy, temps feeling into the 90's, might break 100's into the start of next week. It has not bothered me much since I don't go out much but I am careful. Decided that if I walk to the grocery store nearby, will bring my walker as it will hold groceries and I can push vs pull and sit down as needed if hot.

Candy, only stuff I am doing outdoors today is picking up a prescription, will take the bus most likely and then if bored, may go to the grocery store, walk the aisles. Have decided that I can afford to get peanut butter since I have cookies in the fridge from a couple of weeks ago. Laundry also being done as well as mobile games for cash and surveys.

Breakfast is beefless ground warmed up in frypan on low, spinach and corn in same frypan, taco seasoning on top as well, when they come out, put a bit of bran for extra fiber and queso, went back to queso as an additional topping which is not full of calories either. Yesterday just ate rice in the morning and had chocolate milk which filled me up making me miss supper. Not good. Doing better today for eating.

Oh mara, I'm so sorry. I'm glad those ladies saw you were in trouble and gave you a ride home. It's so discouraging to try something, and then have it not end well. I hope you're resting at home.