Being Nice - Does it Pay?

gwenn · April 2007

Ive always prided myself on being nice. When someone says Im nice Ive always taken it as a compliment. A couple of weeks ago This American Life, the radio show did a show called "The Allure of The Mean Friend". In this show they followed a group of kids and discussed why kids are attracted to the mean kids. They then did an experiment where they followed around 2 waitresses. Both of whom prided themselves on being friendly and helpful servers. What they found was that when the servers were aloof and not outgoingly nice they got better tips. They were not mean but they were not nice and helpful either. Now in my 30's, having been dumped on in job after job I wonder if their is anything to being nice. Has this quailty that Ive prided myself in being for years, taught my daughter to be, is it worthless and is it in fact hurting us in the long run? So Im wonder what do you think? Is there any value in being nice...not to your family and friends or loved ones. Of course we must be nice to them or they would not be there for us. But just in general, to the average person...is there any value?

Im curious what you think.

teacheng1 · April 2007

Gwen, you better believe that being nice pays. I have always believed in the golden rule, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Does that mean nice people have to let others dump on them? No. In short, I'm the one who has to sleep at peace with myself, so I do what is right. But I also believe that I am worthy of respect and handle those who attempt to disrespect me in a manner that I hope others see dignity in. Hope this helps to restore your belief that you are right to be nice and to teach your daughter that being nice is a virtue, not a vice. I do wish other mothers would teach their children more about being nice while maintaining their sense of self-esteem. God bless you. - Teresa

JoanofArdmore · April 2007

Gwen, for me being nice pays.I'm naturally nice to people I like.I cant be any other way.No one has ever been mean to me, in fact most were happy.
(People I dont like I avoid, mostly, but if I must interact with them, I'm robotical.)
I'm sure it would hurt me more than anyone should I quit being nice.

jacqniel · April 2007

Gwenn, I too am a nice person - and believe in the Golden Rule. But as I have gotten older and wiser, I have tempered my 'niceness'. Sometimes, being overly nice can be an extension of a poor self esteem. When I was younger, I thought I had to be overly nice to be liked. Looking back on it, it was a syrupy, insincere niceness What do YOU want to do? What do YOU like? I was afraid to have an opinion out loud for fear it wouldnt make the other person happy and then they wouldnt like me.
As I aged and wizened up and met people with similar overly nice personalities I realized that being TOO nice can also be a social hindrance.
I had a coworker that drove me insane with her niceness. She constantly apologized for things that she didnt do, did things that I know she didnt want to do so she would be perceived as nice and in general made everyone uncomfortable she was a doormat. For me, she provided an excellent learning experience in how NOT to do nice.
So, I am nice, but not overly nice. I am not afraid to give my opinion and I dont worry anymore about everyone liking me. My life has been much more blessed since coming to this realization.
In your part about the more aloof servers getting better tips - I would say that the overly helpful servers come across as desperate and maybe even a little annoying (I hate to keep being interrupted by a server when I am having a conversation with my DH or friends. I am not there to visit my server!)
So here is to niceness. May it ever reign!
Jacque

nancy75 · April 2007

No it doesn't because people will always take advantage of you. But i'm still nice.

ADK · April 2007

I am always amazed that being nice does travel - usually with driving. Some one lets me go, so I let some one else go and they let some one else go, etc. etc.

Overall, I believe in Kharma - what goes around comes around. So, if you don't want to be mistreated, don't mistreat anyone else. I know I am not as nice a person as my DH, but I do try to treat people with respect and dignity. I do think being nice pays but I think Jacque really hit the nail on the head - overly nice comes across as desperate. You can have opinions and be nice, too.

Isabella4 · April 2007

I too hope people I come into contact with find me nice....I do try hard to 'do unto others as you would be done by' and, like Joan, I will avoid those I find I can't like at all!
I will go out of my way to avoid anyone I find annoying. Well out of my way. Like sending DH to answer the door if its someone who I know will just get to me!
Since bc I no longer sweat the small stuff, I try to be friendly and helpful as much as I can, but be nice to awkward people.... never!!
Does it pay ?? Oh yes, I am sure it does.
Isabella.

lke · April 2007

Yes I think it pays to be nice. But you should never treat other people better than you treat yourself. Also, you should demand a certain level of respect from others. If you let them walk on you, they will. If you make the accountable for thier actions, you are really doing them a favor.

LKE

helensdaughter · April 2007

My motto is 'everyone is guilty until I prove them innocent'. Now yest I know this is tough but I ONLY want good people in my life and the ones worth keeping will show their good qualities pretty soon :-)

hugs
Vicky

iodine · April 2007

I go along with being nice, but not a door mat. also Karma with come back and bite one of us in the ass.

A gal let me have a parking place close to the door last week. I waited for her to walk up and told her how gracious she had been and how much I appreciated it (i have awful knees).

She said she had seen the pink ribbon on my car and was a survivor, we both had a laugh and I think I made her day by telling her how great she was.

My daughter and I believe in "pay it forward". She feels that being nice to people where she lives will provide someone being nice to her parents when we need it here. Sweet thought, huh? I sorta feel the same way.

But be assured, If you break in line in front of me when I've been waiting the longest, ain't gonna happen, kiddo!(unless it's groceries and you only have a couple of things and I OFFER)

Yes,, I believe in being nice but mostly because I feel better. It makes MY day. And often, it makes someone else's day as well.

jasmine · April 2007

Being nice doesn't mean you can't have your own opinion or that you let people take advantage of you or that you can't expect to be given common respect in return. My grandfather used to say 'Never be haughty to the humble and never be humble to the haughty.'

Being nice DOES pay. Maybe you won't see it immediately and some people will not respect it. Let's face it...there are just mean people in the world who have no respect for anyone.

Being nice is something you do for yourself more than anyone. It has more to do with who YOU decide you are inside and not what others are. You can't control how other people are but you can control how and who you are.

Who do YOU want to be???

And studies are a dime a dozen. Anyone can write a clever article or creat a study with a bias they wish to convey.

VickiTN · April 2007

I agree...being nice is something you do for yourself, mostly. At least, that's how I feel about it. It makes ME feel good.

I refuse to allow the meanness of others to invade my spirit and turn me into someone I wouldn't like to be around. But, at the same time, I certainly don't allow anyone to take advantage of me or treat me disrespectful.

I used to take more crap off of people than I should have but, as I've gotten older I've grown to care less and less about what people think of me...and more about what I think of myself.

I think being nice does pay....and that what goes around does come around, eventually.
hugs,
vicki

Sierra · April 2007

Hi Gwenn:

It is important to be nice as far
as I am concerned,
but I use the word "kindness"
nice, similar but not same I know

You can not love all of the
people all of the time
but try to do best

http://www.kindness.com.au/

Assertive but polite is a good motto
this is important in life, and I find
after an experience of breast CA
this is brought to the forefront
for many (myself included)

When you deal with the professional world, it is
a somewhat different. I worked in hospitality, (hotel management) so it was important to ensure the client received best of service/treatment, but not to be intrusive
We had excellent training, (transactional analysis) also
saw ourself on closed circuit, which really helped
to see yourself in doing a presentation LOL also
in Europe, being a waiter is an art, it is not like
in our country here.. They study in Switzerland etc.
or at Cornell in US. I like a good waiter.. LOL

I do not expect to be paid
or reap any benefits
but rather feel very blessed
to be here to extend kindness
AND
some days I miss the mark

Best to you

badboob67 · April 2007

Being "nice" is not the same as being a doormat. The study involving the waitress probably has more to do with context than niceties. When I go out to a restaurant, I enjoy having a "nice" waitress, but I am not there to socialize with her and can feel uncomfortable when her "niceness" comes off as insincerity. I think we can all sense than insincerity and will question the motives of an overly "nice" waitress. Being nice to gain acceptance or favor is different than being a kind and caring person who recognizes the humanity in others. I try to be "nice" but I am also assertive. Treating others as I would like to be treated is much more effective than behaving in an egocentric, rude, and childish (what I consider not "nice") manner.

Nice does pay--as long as it is sincere and heartfelt. There will always be those who take advantage (yep, I have many stories I could share). The great thing about being nice, though, is I can feel GOOD about the way I have treated people and can honestly say that many of the negative experiences I have had were truly THEIR problem and not mine.

iodine · April 2007

Being nice is also just using good manners.
On a flight, was asked by flt. attdt. if I wanted a drink, of course I ans. Yes, Please. May I have a cranberry juice. When she gave it to me, I said thank you very much. I was amazed when she did a double take and remarked that I was the first person she'd had in days that had thanked her or said please. We BOTH smiled.

I've said please and thank you to drive thru boxes and the kids taking orders get confused and think I've ordered something not on the menue. LOL

gwenn · April 2007

Im heartened to see that almost everyone answered yes, it does pay. I agree that being a doormat is not the same as being nice. So how does standing up for yourself get confused with being a b$tich? It seems whenever I set boundaries with people Im a you know what. As my bf points out to me if people get upset when I set reasonable boundaries then they are not friends that I want. It seems to be a very tricky rope to walk. I enjoyed reading all the responses.

VickiTN · April 2007

Gwen,
What I've found is that those who confuse me standing up for myself with my being a b$tch are those who just really don't like the fact that I'm standing up for myself. Calling someone that is their last resort in an attempt to knock someone down. When someone starts calling names, that's when I know that they have nothing else to support their argument.

I don't think it's a tricky rope to walk....it only starts getting tricky if you start trying to shift your boundaries to either please someone or hurt someone....if you stay true to your course and to who you are then those who can't accept you for what you are will be weeded out and those who do accept you will be walking straight on that rope with you....and, they're the ones who are the true friends.
hugs,
vicki

jasmine · April 2007

Quote:

So how does standing up for yourself get confused with being a b$tich?

For me, I've only seen this principle apply to women for some reason. Rarely, do I see this applied to the men in my workplace when they choose to 'assert' themselves. Its not always a fair world but you do the best you can to be nice and be true to yourself at the same time.

Sierra · April 2007

Hi GWen:

Assertive but polite
If people do not like this
then Rise Above It
Can not please all people
all of the time

I reset my boundaries
and many did not quite like
it. Maybe some of them need to reset
their boundaries

Eleanor Roosevelt
No One makes you feel
inferior without your consent

Further, you have no control
over names people Might
call you or how they react

))

Honour thyself

Being Nice - Does it Pay?

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