STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER

all this dealing with banks has me thinking. Right before pandemic, before my diagnosis, I was going to travel to parents to visit but also to go over paperwork. I am oldest kid, but also I have siblings who all speak with me but not all the time to eachother. Now my parents are 2 years older, ei very elderly, and I have stage 4 cancer. So much to think about....

We still laugh since we get mail from my deceased in laws saying they are "pre-approved" for credit or life insurance. Then there are the many Medicare plan letters that come for them saying how they can change their plans. They used military health system. We shred it all.

It is hard when there are siblings who do not speak and live in other places. A dear friend lived here and his oldest sister lived in another town several miles away and was executor. She pretty much ordered them to do everything since they lived here and she made all the decisions and wanted them to do the work on the house before they sold it. There were 4 siblings. Now no one speaks to anyone at this point. Sad.

My DH grandma put in her will that if anyone complained about anything they were cut off. She was wealthy. It did save a lot of arguments that way.

I have a boy and girl and handing off some things I think my daughter should have or may want if she wants them now and letting her have them. They live in another State and she is our executor and our son lives here. I could see him getting in there then there could be issues afterwards. I know DH has given him some tools and things already he needs and he will no longer use.

My Dad has done the same thing and is sending me stuff already.

After handling the estate for my DF and filing numerous papers to have policies transferred to my DM, I learned years later that some had not been transferred even though I had filed the correct forms with death certificates. Fortunately I was able to find the right people who corrected this for me after my mother's death. Being the executor of a parent's will is a thankless and time consuming job especially when I live in the neighboring state. My DM went to live with my youngest brother several years before she died and became quite hostile towards me (for no known reason nor transgression) so imagine my surprise when I learned I was still the executor of her estate. While she had kept good records on her annuities and we had previously established beneficiaries for most, there were several she had not done. This presented all sorts of problems to establish beneficiary status and I can attest that many of these companies do not offer any assistance but a lot of runarounds. I spent my days off on the phone contacting these companies trying to find out what they needed, getting their mandatory forms for completion, getting some of them notarized, combining her bank accounts (had to get an EIN number to do that), fighting to get back money the bank had deducted in fees despite the fact that she had sufficient funds in the account, and then discovering that my DB who was handling her money forgot to pay two semiannual payments on a small insurance policy that they then refused to pay on her death. It wasn't enough to hire a lawyer to fight but it was her money and they had no regrets in stealing it. This was no picnic to execute and let me tell you of my 3 brothers, only one offered to assist me; the other 2 just wanted their money. Because this happened during Covid and many government offices were closed, it took even longer to accomplish. So my recommendation for your loved ones would be to make sure you have established beneficiaries for all annuities, have someone who has access to the bank accounts so money needed for the funeral is readily available, make sure your insurance policies are paid up to date, have a DPA for finances as well as healthcare decisions, an up to date will, use legal counsel to determine state taxes since the penalties can be high if there are filing errors (lawyer fee was deductible from IRS so worth it), use an accountant for filing any IRS taxes (this woman saved the estate several hundred dollars which was more than her fee), and leave a written document that lists all your annuities, bank account info, copy of the will and power of attorney as well as your funeral wishes. Handling my DF's estate was easier by far than my DM's and for all the work I did, I did take the full amount permitted by law for being the executor. I had considered not doing this but the lack of assistance from those that benefitted (I did send my assisting DB a check in addition to his share of the estate), convinced me that I had well earned it after sacrificing my days off to settle the estate.

I also had a problem when my Mom died. I sent a letter and a copy of the DC to hospital and said when estate was settled, I would pay the bill. A few months later they called and said they were sending her to collections. Pretty sure she wasn't worried about her credit rating. Being an executor is a big pain. Even when there is not much left to distribute. My SIL passed in December and my brother has had a horrible time getting info on her car loan. He wants to pay it off, in order to sell it but because the loan is in her name no one wants to give him the balance. You would think people would be more understanding...you are grieving and have to deal with all this other BS. We put our house in the kids names a few years ago, hopefully when we are gone this will make things easier.

I am thinking we should prepay for cremation too. We have done it for my MIL who is still going strong (kinda) at 93. That way the kids don't have to think about it. We are not old, old but husband has had one heart attack (major) and I have cancer. So maybe we should take care of that.

You know how people talk about finding dimes after a loved one passes away? I found a dime in my vacume, my sister found one on her seat at a play and my niece had one in her chicken finger basket when we were out to eat last friday. My SIL hated cleaning, she loved going where my sister was at to see a play, and we bowl every other friday where we ate last week. Could be wishful thinking but I believe there is an afterlife. Made me feel better anyway.

Mammo and US on Monday. Hoping for probably benign.

Spookiesmom, I put pennies in the ground at the base of gravestones when I visit my family's graves. It started when we were in a city on vacation where my maternal grandparents are buried, and I didn't have anything for them. We had some new pennies with us, so I stuck those down so they'd know someone was there that year (I'm an atheist who believes in a non-religious afterlife). I started doing that at other cemeteries, and even on a long trip that included several generations of graves. Seven years ago, our sweet little dog Hilts had to be assisted over the rainbow bridge, and the last thing I told him was to let us know when he reached Grandpa. I didn't want to go home to an empty house so Hubby and I stopped to get something to eat just to pass time. As he got out of the car, there was a bright brand new penny on the ground, with a dent that looked just like a small tooth had bitten into it. I keep it with a lock of his hair that I clipped that morning.

I had not heard of that tradtion so that is interesting to hear of that one. When we were able to travel (pre COVID which we can't right now) we often like to go to historical sites and often go to old cemetaries as well that really old. It is interesting to see them from the early days of the country. Makes me wonder in a hundred years or so what people will think of ours.

I do family genealogy and did it with my cousin who has since died of BC. We would visit old cemeteries looking for relatives but also to see some of the really old grave markers. One cemetery in our hometown has ones dating back to the 1700's that are flat but raised above the ground. They provided so much historical info such as age, relationships and COD. Many are getting difficult to read since the stones (type of stone as well) are eroding from the rigors of the environment. The stone above is lovely and I wish someone would stabilize it before it too falls. One of my DB"s worked for a company that engraved stones as a teenager; this would have been a very expensive stone with that amount of engraving and this man was well-respected for his endeavors.

These pictures are from a cemetery in Barre

Vermont. We love stopping to tour the old ones! The town was considered the granite capital. Many Italians and Scottish stone masons came here at the turn of the century to work. There are so many elaborate stones. Sorry I don't know how to make the pictures smaller. I think leaving a coin or a stone at a grave site is a Jewish tradition.

Spookiesmom, that is a wonderful stone and in such great shape.

mfrube58 - I gather you saw my very first post in this forum. I spent from that date in January until three days ago in some sort of a state. It was mostly pretty unrelenting, and felt like a roller coaster that only went down. But the surgery went well February first, I only had the tiniest DCIS, my surgeon was good and I have healed well. As of Valentine's day the BS has said he'd see me in six months. I am not getting any further treatment - I was cleared by the RO on Friday, and wasn't referred to an MO.

So I should be all relieved but my body is still vibrating from the tension and anxiety I held close for six weeks. I am meditating and exercising daily and trying to think good thoughts. I agree with your suggestion of taking one day at a time, I call it putting one foot in front of the other (shorter term, smaller scale). I hope you have more good days than bad. Stay strong!

This is my favorite memorial stone anywhere. It's for an 11-year-old who had cerebral palsy. What a statement.

WOW, is right! That brought tears to my eyes!

My father in law grew up in "holler" in W. VW and there is an old family plot back there and every year they would have a big family runion and everyone would go clean up the graves and maintain them. My DH grand parents are there we know. The main family moved to town though now and out of the holler now where there is actually electrricity and running water and actual plumbing. There are some old die hards still up there though living off grid in the old ways in the holler out there.

I'm finding that MBC is a journey. My social worker said I would go through the stages of grief, and it's so strange, because I really am. I went from feeling like I could die tomorrow to now where I'm hearing that MBC isn't an immediate death sentence. I've seen people on this site that have lived for years with it. This should be a relief, but for some reason, I'm stuck in this funk and it just feels like it's just dragging things out. I'm trying to re-frame my thinking and make the most out of each day, and be grateful for it, but at the same time I'm struggling with finding joy in anything. Over the last month or so, I'm starting to come out of that funk a little bit, but it's still there. Like this big dark cloud over my head. Right now, I'm just trying to figure out how to live with MBC. I'm really encouraged by all the messages and articles I'm finding on this website, though. Hoping this funk is just part of the coping process and will go away soon so I can enjoy the time I have.

@moth, that is so true!!