Mothers with school aged children

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  • Partyoffive
    Partyoffive Member Posts: 188
    edited January 2022

    B-A-P

    I feel the same way even though my kids are older now my youngest daughter asked if I’d be there for her wedding(she’s almost 17) so chances are I will not be there. I wrestle with guilt every day knowing that I’m the reason they are dealing with a terminally ill parent and even though I know I’m a good mom and do my best every day I also know it’s a 100lb weight they carry. I also know that other families are dealing with their own issues which impact their children so I try not to beat myself up too much. I never thought I’d be gifted 8 1/2 years but I’m glad i didn’t wallow in my misery for too long and got on with spending time with all of them and trying to make memories. I too have ascites and carcinoma(diffuse) all over my abdomen and now in my uterus as well so I try to stop feeling sad and do something with my kids. Our family motto is suck it up buttercup and I hope I am leading by example. Crappy things happen that we don’t choose the only choice we have is on how we deal it. I want my kids to deal with bad things in their lives with dignity and reality.

    Kristin

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  • B-A-P
    B-A-P Member Posts: 525
    edited January 2022

    Party of Five,

    It certainly sounds like you're leading by example and I have no doubt that's what they'll remember most. Despite how difficult it has been, you're making those memories and pushing through. That's what I'm trying to do but sometimes the ascites drives me crazy and the tightness sometimes makes me feel a little sorry for myself. It's definitely not the right attitude, but I try to feel it , sit in it, and let it go ( even though it comes back) .

    I just want enough time for him to mature a little more and understand. He's an anxious kid and I know he is resilient. I just want him to have those solid concrete memories ( i can barely remember 7 and i'm 34) and to know I tried really hard. I want him to be able to say " Remember when mom did this with us?" Instead of " Did mom do this with us?" Sigh. It's such a triggering topic. This boy of mine is my light and my joy. I hate this disease so much.

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  • Kjones13
    Kjones13 Member Posts: 1,520
    edited January 2022

    BAP—I’m hear you say a couple things…hopefully I won’t forget what I’m trying to say.

    first, I’m sorry you are here but glad you found this thread and I hope connecting with others and leaning on those who truly get it, helps.

    I am one of the long haulers too. 9.5 years. My son is going to graduate in May from hs!!! And my youngest is now 10, almost 11.

    What you said up in the last post—wanting the kids to say mom did this not what did mom do?….I had/have those same thoughts as well, but then it struck me as I read that…I lost my mom last year to ovarian cancer. She was 71 and I was 42…and I actually have a hard time remembering things about her even though I had 42 years with her! But the memories and the love is in me, in my heart. I remember crying to Dad a few days after her death and saying to him—I don’t even know her favorite color or her favorite song….and he said to me, it’s ok. You don’t have to know all of those details. If those were important things to her, she would have told you about them. You know the important things about your mother, how she made you feel, how she loved you and others. You know the important things.

    When I was first dx stage 4 de novo, I wasted a couple years because I was grieving my losses. I wish I wouldn’t have done that. But I was 34 and the dr’s gave me 18 months…thank God I got longer and I’ve been able to make lots of beautiful memories…but I want more time.

    Thank you for sharing! And it’s so good to see everyone on here!!❤️

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  • B-A-P
    B-A-P Member Posts: 525
    edited January 2022

    Kjones,

    Thanks so much for sharing :) That makes me feel a lot better. I try not to focus on the eventual end but sometimes it's really hard. Especially when he brings it up. He's trying to make sense of it just like we are, except it's in the mind of a child vs an adult. I like your dads advice though - it's all so true. I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. It's never easy no matter how much time you've had. 9.5 years is a long time out from 18 months and for that I'm so happy for you. I wish you nothing but more time and good health :)

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  • Nola70115
    Nola70115 Member Posts: 85
    edited January 2022

    I have an 18 year old daughter and 3 year old son. My daughter has autism and intellectual disabilities, and she is my heart. The idea of leaving her is horrific. My son - he’s just a happy ball of sunshine and I want so much for him to have memories of me when he is grown. I hope my husband will remarry someone who will be good to them, if it can’t be me. I’m almost a year in to my stage 4 dx and so far the meds are working but who knows what to expect. I hate that, not knowing what to expect.

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  • kkcita
    kkcita Member Posts: 24
    edited January 2022

    I have an almost 10yo and almost 6yo. Two years out from metastatic diagnosis. Initial treatment was right after my youngest was born. I'm not sure that I’ve accepted the idea that I probably won’t be there for my kids as long as I’d like, which would be for like 35 more years! I guess you never know and have to just go one day at a time. I just pray to get a lot of time out of each line of treatment.

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  • Mexhay
    Mexhay Member Posts: 24
    edited January 2022

    @kkcita - our kids are about the same ages. And I struggle at times, as well, with thoughts about the future. I'm so grateful to be living and diagnosed at a time when new developments and treatments are always on the horizon. I have dark moments that creep in, but for the most part I've been able to live with quite a bit of guarded hope for the future. That said, I try to be so intentional about helping my children build relationships with other caring, loving adults who can be around to support them well into the future if/when I'm gone.

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  • syrgrl
    syrgrl Member Posts: 2
    edited January 2022

    I told my kids last night. It was awful. My 16 year old was a mess and my 14 year old is in denial. First diagnosis was when my my boys were super young. Heartbreaking to not be able to say YES when my oldest kept saying "but you are going to be okay, right?." I tried to be honest and talk about how my doctor thinks it is treatable for years without having to give too many details. As hard as this is, it is nice to have others on here that make me feel less alone with this diagnosis.

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  • Mexhay
    Mexhay Member Posts: 24
    edited January 2022

    I'm so very sorry, syrgrl. Those are such tender ages to be digesting the news. And I know how hard these first weeks and months are as you're digesting and adjusting to the news. My hope for you is that your relationship with your kids deepens and matures as a result of all the unanswerable questions that are and are to come. Much love and hope to you all.

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  • leftfootforward
    leftfootforward Member Posts: 1,726
    edited January 2022

    syrgrl- hugs. Those are the hardest conversations.

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  • Micmel
    Micmel Member Posts: 9,450
    edited January 2022

    syrgrl.~ hug for you. I've been there. I can tell you that here I am six years later and my Youngest son just moved out on his own. It willl calm down and Itcan be treatable. My son had just graduated in 2015 and in 2016 January I was told. He was 18. It was hard. Love on them. Kiss them alot. I'm here six years later everyone is different. It's not like it used to be. There are so many different treatments now. I'm so sorry you had to have that talk. I'll be thinking of your famoly

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  • Moderators
    Moderators Member Posts: 25,912
    edited January 2022

    Chiming in to let you know that we have our

    VIRTUAL MBC Meetup TODAY (WEDNESDAY) AT 4PM, ET:

    Register here: https://breastcancer-org.zoom.us/meeting/register/...

    Hope to see some of you there!

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  • syrgrl
    syrgrl Member Posts: 2
    edited January 2022

    Thanks to all fo the support and kind words!

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  • Dancemom
    Dancemom Member Posts: 369
    edited January 2022

    Its hard to talk to the kids about it. Especially when how you feel and what treatments are, is changing all the time.

    I've kind of down played the "stage iv" part. It came all at once, so the word CANCER was shocking enough. I've shared specifics about my treatment and focused on how those help. 11 doesn't react. He knows I take medicine that sometimes makes me tired. He also knows I just had a mastectomy, and he has been very helpful. 24 doesn't really say anything. But she's been over to help with housework while I recover from surgery. 20 is my biggest worry. She spent winter break quarentined with me and was my nurse. One of her close preschool friends died of cancer (neuroblastoma) whe they were in Kindergarten. Her best high school friend's mom died of BC during college applications. She is now a biochemistry major and knows everything about all my treatments. She also works in a lab and is publishing a paper on radiology treatments. It's too much for a kid.

    But!!!!!

    I am letting 11 go to his first indoor social event in 2 years! Parents are drs and protocols are similar to school (very strict). I am very nervous, but omicron wave here is going down and he needs to play.

    Nola, it is that not knowing that is so frustratingly hard.

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