Scared Anxious feel like I am losing it!

Anyone who has not gone through any cancer or maybe cancer situation does not get it. I have been going crazy. I have a 3dmammogram and sonogram on Thursday for my abnormal mammogram. I dr Google everything and have made myself crazy. I already was but this is the worst. My I am in tears and afraid of the worst. I see my friends die from Stage 4 cancer and it just rips into my heart. I was told something abnormal in my left subaerola region.

All the nurse kept saying is you will be Be fine. My health has been going into pieces since I lost my whole family in 4.5 years. I then got arrested before my husband died I asked him to give me a blood pressure pill and he gave me an ambien so I drove all over Tampa sleeping with my granddaughter in the vehicle. So I have had to endure this still am. I get something and I don't even have to turn around soothing else pops up. I know my last blood draw I had low lymphocytes am high neutrophils . I know I am depressed and anxious and being diabetic and underweight 93 lbs scares me more. It's like my mind is all over the place. I'm mad sad! I can't talk to my friends because they have no clue how I feel and they are healthy. So I am all alone. Why would god allow this to happen? I have suffered enough. Maybe not…My reasoning is if I have this crappy Zappy then I don't even know how I will deal with this? I think I would deny treatment and die. Because I. Will never be the same person I was before all these horrible things. This time last year I felt fine.Happy. Then boom on my dead sons bday my body went crazy. Now I don't even know who I am. I'm sorry for ranting and raging. I can honestly say I can't stand my life.