Do I wait to tell my husband?

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Queenelisa
Queenelisa Member Posts: 8
edited December 2021 in Not Diagnosed But Worried

they found a lump in my left breast at my last mammogram. I returned for an ultrasound and the lump is 2.3cm. I have a biopsy Wednesday. I didn’t say anything because of the holidays…now I don’t know how to say anything! Should I just wait for the biopsy results? This is not a place I ever expected to land. I don’t know how to do this…..

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  • AliceBastable
    AliceBastable Member Posts: 3,461
    edited November 2021

    Nobody can answer that for you since we don't know your husband or what your relationship is like. I didn't tell other relatives (I have very few), but I couldn't imagine not telling my husband. Good luck.

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  • Dancemom
    Dancemom Member Posts: 369
    edited November 2021

    it is a very personal choice. I did not tell my husband until after my second biopsy last March when it was first determined I needed a mastectomy. He tends to get very reactionary when worried and there is already too much stress in our lives. I try to be on a "need-to-know" basis. I realized that he'd need some info in order to help me after surgery though. I did tell my sister because she is a nurse practioner and more understanding so is calmer. The stage iv part came out to my husband and mom last week. I think we all just need someone you can trust to help you think through things calmly.

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  • ruthbru
    ruthbru Member Posts: 57,235
    edited November 2021

    As Alice says, we don't know the dynamics of your marriage and can't tell you what to do; but I will pose this question: if the shoe were on the other foot and your husband needed to have a biopsy, would you prefer that he not tell you until after he had it? Or would you want to know what was going on from the start? How you answer that is probably how you should proceed.

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  • Queenelisa
    Queenelisa Member Posts: 8
    edited November 2021

    Thank you for your responses. I ended up telling him last night…knowing I would not have a moment alone with him again until later in the week. I’m not sure if it was the best decision I’ve ever made…he too is a stress collector…but the cat’s out now.

    Praying for a manageable biopsy.


    Thank you!

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  • ruthbru
    ruthbru Member Posts: 57,235
    edited November 2021

    I am glad that you DID tell him, Queenelisa. If you get good news, you can celebrate together. If you don't, at least he won't be blindsided .......which would be even more stressful for you and him both. Try to stay busy, busy, busy between now and Wednesday. We will be thinking of you and crossing our fingers. Let us know how things go.

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  • Moderators
    Moderators Member Posts: 25,912
    edited November 2021

    Queenelisa, the waiting is truly one of the hardest parts. If you can, try teep busy the next few days, to keep your mind distracted. Please keep us posted on how you're doing. And good luck on your biopsy!

    The Mods

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  • 7of9
    7of9 Member Posts: 833
    edited November 2021

    get him on board now so he can adapt and carry on. My husband was stressed but was the rock and soldier I needed when starting treatment and making quick vacation, wills, and scheduling family events. Glad I did.

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  • Queenelisa
    Queenelisa Member Posts: 8
    edited November 2021

    Truly…thank you for your responses and support! I am an OR RNFA and I'm on call Mon and Tues…so I will likely be pretty busy. I'm hoping that will help the wait.

    Your responses may seem like quick little comments to you..but in this strange/scary new world I'm.dipping my toe into…they are oxygen. Thank you!



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  • ruthbru
    ruthbru Member Posts: 57,235
    edited November 2021

    Thinking of you. Hang in there!

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  • Queenelisa
    Queenelisa Member Posts: 8
    edited December 2021

    left breast invasive ductal carcinoma. What the hell do I do now????

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  • ruthbru
    ruthbru Member Posts: 57,235
    edited December 2021

    breathe, get a notebook to write down questions and responses for when you meet with your oncologist, stay off Google (the home page of BCO will give you lots of good and true information and guidance), when have the complete pathology report back & have met with your oncologist to discuss your treatment options....then you will no doubt have more questions and decisions to make, once you have a plan in place it is actually easier than it is right now. Sending positive thoughts your way.

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  • Queenelisa
    Queenelisa Member Posts: 8
    edited December 2021

    Thank you. Google is an asshat!

    Catching my breath. Already texted my surgeon…he’s a friend. He will see me today. I need to write some stuff down. Thank you!! :)

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  • AliceBastable
    AliceBastable Member Posts: 3,461
    edited December 2021

    What helped me was deliberately planning fun things between appointments, tests, and surgeries - picnics, day trips, just doing silly things like watching funny movies. Think of it as stockpiling positive memories.

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  • Queenelisa
    Queenelisa Member Posts: 8
    edited December 2021

    thank you! That is a great idea! :)

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  • ruthbru
    ruthbru Member Posts: 57,235
    edited December 2021

    Another smart thing to do is to bump up dentist appointments, eyes exams, haircuts etc. so that they are out of the way for awhile.


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  • AliceBastable
    AliceBastable Member Posts: 3,461
    edited December 2021

    Ruthbru, that's a great idea. I was in the middle of some dental work when I got my diagnosis, and it was the dentist who explained to me about getting any dental x-rays out of the way well before time so I wouldn't have them too close to radiation.

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  • moth
    moth Member Posts: 4,800
    edited December 2021

    Queenelisa,

    Sorry you find yourself here.

    I sympathize with getting the dx at this time of year. I got my stage 1 dx in 2017 on Dec 4, met with my surgeon on the 5th, had surgery on the 12th. We actually had a normal xmas that year. I went tobogganing lol.

    I hope your next steps flow smoothly for you. Hang in there - this period between dx and actually starting a treatment plan is the worst part. It gets better 🤗

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  • Queenelisa
    Queenelisa Member Posts: 8
    edited December 2021

    thank you all for your helpful ideas and support! I just got my labs back. Test results are in! NON AGGRESSIVE HER2 NEGATIVE! This is all good news! Lumpectomy..hopefully Friday…not sure exactly what comes next…but I guess I’m as ready as I’ll ever be!!!

    Again..thank you all! I hope your holidays are filled with joy and great memories!!

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  • ruthbru
    ruthbru Member Posts: 57,235
    edited December 2021

    Glad for your good report and that you can move forward quickly! Good luck Friday

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  • sbelizabeth
    sbelizabeth Member Posts: 2,889
    edited December 2021

    Queenlisa, one project that was extremely helpful to me (probably because I'm an organization freak; it calms my brain and gives me a sense of control) was to build a 3-ring binder that kept all my cancer stuff together. I made dividers with labels of lab reports, pathology reports, surgery reports, radiation reports, doctor's office visits, pharmacy, insurance, and "questions" where I kept plain paper for keeping track of questions I wanted to ask.

    I brought my binder with me to everything, so I could keep it updated and refer to it when necessary. Even my doctors borrowed it from time to time; it was faster and easier to get the reports or results they wanted to look at than either going online to look for it or calling another doctor's office.

    Wishing you the best for your lumpectomy this week. You got this.

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  • Queenelisa
    Queenelisa Member Posts: 8
    edited December 2021

    Lumpectomy yesterday. I feel a little swollen…and a little sore, but otc Tylenol is more than enough for the pain. Surgery went well.

    I still haven't been able to connect with oncology. I guess I'll have to chase them down on Monday.

    I like the 3 ring binder idea! I have a small journal like notebook I've been using, but a larger notebook to carry everything sounds comprehensive and helpful! I like it! Thanks!

    I think it's radiation next. This all has happened so quickly..I have some information to look up so I have a clue! Haha!

    Thank you all!!! ~E :)

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  • ruthbru
    ruthbru Member Posts: 57,235
    edited December 2021

    Glad to hear that you are doing well! I'm a 3-ring binder lady also!

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