Complete state of terror

When I chose this forum, I did so with care, ensuring that I fit into the category, "For members not diagnosed with breast cancer, but waiting for test results."

On reading the responses from my first post, I felt immediately as though I was not alone. I felt reassured and among warm and welcoming individuals. I still feel that way, but I see that I have offended some individuals in expressing my anxiety and for that I am deeply sorry.

I will no longer post in this community, I would never intentionally harm anyone and if I continue to post, I see that I may. I am going to leave this post up for 24 hours so I may thank the individuals who lent an ear and offered support through kind words. I will also include a short personal insight into my frame of mind.

There are many reasons individuals come to have health anxiety. Past medical experiences have colored my view of the medical field and to a great degree shaken my trust.

1. 18 years ago after experiencing severe neurological symptoms, I was chastised by my primary physician for being anxiety laden. I later was told I was a "histrionic female" by my neurologist. That same year I was diagnosed with MS.

2. At 82 years of age, my grandmother was treated for the entirety of a year for a UTI. Later, it was revealed that she had uterine cancer which had advanced so that the only option left was palliative care or hospice.

3. My eldest daughter had severe shortness of breath. She was treated in ER an advised that she had a rare form of pneumonia only seen in AIDS patients. She spent over a week in the ICU. On the day of discharge, we learned she had tested negative for HIV. All along I had suspected that she had a Protein S Deficiency (her father, paternal grandfather, and great grandmother have this genetic blood clotting disorder.) While she was in the hospital, I was rebuffed for suggesting this possibility. On discharge, she saw a hematologist that I had made an appointment with. We found that my daughter indeed has Protein S Deficiency, she will be on Warfarin therapy for the rest of her life. As for the diagnosis during her hospital stay, it was not pneumonia, instead it was revealed (by the hematologist who showed me her CT images) that she had suffered a Pulmonary Embolism.

Those are just a few instances in my life that have given me pause and caused me to question results/diagnoses/and the like.

With regard to my ability to nurse with extreme health anxiety, well, let's just say that's where things get interesting. Ironically, the anxiety does not translate to my patients. When caring for my patients, health anxiety, the very thing that paralyzes me, is my greatest gift. Because I suffer so, my empathy and compassion comes easily. As a nurse I am caring, patient, and kind. I know how I would like to be treated/reassured/spoken to in my difficult times. As a result, I am often requested to provide care by those who know me.

Once again, thank you to all who commented, offered kind words, and support. I wish you all the very best. To those who were hurt or offended by my posts I am really truly sorry. Positive vibes to you on your journey.