Dealing with overbearing family and friends? (Vent!)

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booksnbikes
booksnbikes Member Posts: 14
edited October 2021 in Caring for Someone with Breast cancer

Background: Mom (69F) was diagnosed with MBC back in August. I (38F) am her primary caregiver, along with my brother (31M).

I'm wondering if you all have any tips for dealing with overbearing family and friends throughout treatment? In particular, I am finding myself spending waaaaaay too much time and energy trying to manage my mom's close friend of 40+ years (also my godmother).

She clearly has an idea in her head of what her role "should be" in supporting my mom, which differs from what my mom wants. She was sending multiple toxic-positivity texts a day when my mom was first diagnosed, but we finally got her to stop that. My brother and I made the mistake of offering to update her every 1-2 weeks, and recently she has decided those updates aren't good enough. My brother recently sent a general update via a group text, on how my mom is doing ("side effects suck, we are managing them, etc, etc"). When the friend didn't like how general that update was, she texted me separately asking for more information.

Going around one of us when we don't give her what she wants is her latest tactic, and not a very effective one, I might add, since my brother and I are close, and chatting with each other constantly.

So, I replied to the friend reiterating what my brother said, and then she messaged both of us asking us for detailed information on my mom's treatment plan: What were the results of the genetic testing? How long will she be on this line of treatment? What's next and when? How often will she be monitored? Etc, Etc...

We don't want to provide her super detailed updates on my mom's treatment plan because: 1) My mom doesn't want to; 2) It's time-consuming and not my freaking job; 3) She thinks she knows better than medical professionals (the reason she gives is that she was a candy striper in her 20s and once dated a doctor... I kid you not!) and I don't want to invite her unsolicited medical advice; 4) She is a high anxiety person, and I fear that more information will only open up more questions; 5) For reasons #3 & #4, my mom doesn't want her around a lot, or to be very involved in her care.

I know that she loves us and my mom, so it feels mean even saying that I am annoyed with her for just wanting to be kept in the loop. But at the same time, it also feels like she is relying on us to help her manage her anxiety about this situation.

So, I guess this post is one part venting, one part wondering if any of you have had similar experiences, and if so, how you dealt with it? Thank you in advance!

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  • kathabus
    kathabus Member Posts: 205
    edited October 2021

    Hi----I hope you feel better just getting your vent out. Sometimes that in itself helps! I find myself wondering.....why isn't your mom talking with her? Giving her updates? If she has been a close friend to your mom for all those years and then suddenly doesn't have any communication with her, she might feel abandoned. I think your mom should be talking with her. Not you. And if your mom is expecting that, you may need to have a gentle conversation with your mom about that. And if your mom wants her to back off....again, I kind of think that needs to come from your mom. What do you think??

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  • moth
    moth Member Posts: 4,800
    edited October 2021

    I deal with it by having a blog where I update when I want & with the detail I want. I said in one of my early posts to not expect personal replies as it was stressful...

    I don't respond to emails or texts if I don't feel like it. You could reply with a link to the update page or just ghost her.

    If she doesnt get the hint, block the number if you need to... reply or update her when you feel like it & ignore otherwise. It's ok to set boundaries.


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  • booksnbikes
    booksnbikes Member Posts: 14
    edited October 2021

    Thank you both for your replies. It does feel good to vent about it a bit!

    Kathbus-- My mom hasn't responded mostly because she is feeling pretty crappy right now. It seems like she's been hit with just about every side effect in the book lately, and while things are slowly getting better, my mom just doesn't have the energy to be in touch with this friend right now, who is pretty draining even in good times. But I think you are 100% right that the friend does feel a bit abandoned (my mom was calling/texting her daily awhile back, at her request, when she was going through a health issue with her husband), and at some point my mom does need to be the one to tell her to back off.

    Moth-- Yeah, I think we need to start a Caring Bridge or something. My mom is a pretty private person in general, so she's hesitated to have us set one up. But I think I will talk to her about it more seriously.

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  • MountainMia
    MountainMia Member Posts: 1,307
    edited October 2021

    I think you could say to friend directly, "I know you love Mom, and we all love you, too! You must be so worried. But Mom has asked that we provide minimal details, and we're just doing as she asked. She is very confident in her care team, and things are going as well as can be expected. Brother and I will continue to update you with the group. I know you'll understand that we won't be able to update you separately. All of our energy right now is put to seeing to Mom's needs, as they should be."

    And if that doesn't work, just ignore all other requests for info.

    I'm so sorry you're dealing with this energy-draining friend.

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  • ruthbru
    ruthbru Member Posts: 57,235
    edited October 2021

    Can you give her some jobs to do? Run errands, make some meals, knit a blanket, paint a picture, write up a book of all their great memories through the years, organize picture collages..... I think it would take the pressure off you, and your mom, if the friend felt she was being helpful.

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  • booksnbikes
    booksnbikes Member Posts: 14
    edited October 2021

    MountainMia- This is so perfectly-worded, I may just copy and paste! :)

    Ruthbru- Totally, I think we need to give her a job, and I know she really wants one. It's just hard to figure out what that should be... she has a lot of physical limitations herself, social anxiety, and her style of emotional support also doesn't jive with my mom's. So that sort of removes a bunch of options. I know what she wants to do is accompany my mom to doctor's appointments, which my mom absolutely does not want (and has told her). So, just gotta figure out what her job should be.

    Thank you for the ideas and support y'all!

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  • ruthbru
    ruthbru Member Posts: 57,235
    edited October 2021

    Goodness, the last thing your mom would need would be her at appointments! If needed, you could blame Covid for limiting who can come to appointments (which is actually true). I hope you can come up with a job for her and is both useful and very time consuming!!

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  • nopink2019
    nopink2019 Member Posts: 329
    edited October 2021

    Such stupid questions...how long on these meds?what's next? Ugh!

    MountainMia--your wording is brilliant. You must have edited several times to take out the expletives!

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  • booksnbikes
    booksnbikes Member Posts: 14
    edited October 2021

    @ruthbru- Yeah, given her distrust of doctors, I can only imagine how she'd be as an appointment companion!

    @nopink - Believe it or not, I only posted like half of the questions she sent us. *Eye roll* And my mom said the same thing as you: "What the heck is she even gonna do with all this information?!"

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